The first part of last week we had some bad arguments. If we weren't arguing, I was in turmoil, not saying what I was thinking and acting like I didn't have a million thoughts bouncing through my brain all the time.
One evening I just told him what I thought, that his anger during the fights is corroding my love for him, how I fought so hard to keep us together and he was so punishing and harsh, as if I was the one who betrayed him. I told him it hurt me so bad I felt like I wanted to leave him.
He backed away from me and got really, really angry. He informed me that his life had become an onslaught of one attack after another from me, and this last attack just hurt him more than he'd ever been hurt!
And if I felt this way just because of a little argument? Why, he could never feel safe again! That he would constantly worry that Nitty might run away after every little argument! And just because he got a little mad?!?
It made him wonder: how he could be so committed to us when Nitty obviously wasn't committed at all! What the hell was he busting his a$$ for in this reconciliation if Nitty was so willing to give up so easily!?!
Does he understand the concept of IRONY at all?
My resentments became explosive. I could no longer reason them out like I did that day Mr. Gritty thanked me for waiting for him.
I went home, very angry. The fight continued through the evening via text and then through some ultra drama queen moves on his part, but I don't see the need to go into it.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
One Resentment. He is pushing for us to move in together again, but not at our house. He wants me to move into his place, or for us to buy another house and move there. He says he is not comfortable going back to the old neighborhood where we've lived over 20 years, because the neighbors "know too much."
Honestly, moving away seems like hiding to me, like he's not coming back, but just trying to run away and take me with him. I told him no but he is insistent. I feel resentful right there, like our reconciliation may be off unless I agree to move away from our old neighborhood.
Another resentment. He keeps pushing me to spend the night at his place. We ML, sure, but I'm not yet ready to spend the night there. I won't go into details, but where he is living now is a place that was very special to the two of us before BD, for so many reasons. And then I got kicked out so she could come in.
She slept in our bed, helped him host parties there. They engaged in their PA there. I found her mascara there. I keep finding her kids' toys there. Her favorite junk food is still in the cupboards and freezer. There are new candles all over the place. I imagine that she bought them for romantic evenings together and I HATE it. I won't open anything anymore, just try to ignore what is out in the open. I let him get everything we need from cupboards or drawers. But I feel like little bits of her are hidden EVERYWHERE.
The "I Wanno Know" Resentment. I want to know things but I can't ask. I want to know what kind of plan he has to keep this from happening again. I want to know when he's going to get rid of all of her stuff! I want to know what he spent our money on. I want to know who the other women are, in case I run into them. Right now they feel like ticking time bombs to me. I just want to be prepared. And most of all, I want him to know how much he hurt me.
The Flashback Resentments. I am starting to have flashbacks again, probably because we're entering the time of year when his EA turned into a PA.
#1. I remember how worried I was, fearing my H was going to have a heart attack or a stroke, because he was so stressed all the time. He told me it was his job. So I did everything I could to make life at home as easy as possible. When he was telling her how miserable his life with me was.
#2 When he had to "work late," I kept his dinner warm until I finally had to put it away. He suddenly started working later than he ever had in his career, and I never questioned anything. I was so trusting, so stupid.
#3 I remember one day last fall when I helped him find something he lost, and then he became very cold. Told me that he realized I had actually hidden the item. That there was no use in claiming otherwise, because HE KNEW for a fact that I had hidden it. The only question, he wondered, was why? "I think you just can't help yourself, hiding things from me. It's just a compulsion you have, to lie and hide things from me. I guess this is just something I must accept about you." I denied it, of course, but he was adamant. And every now and then he would bring it up and ask me if I was ready "to level" with him about it. "No? Not yet? Hmmm."
#4 That episode was so bizarre that I started noting his behavior in my planner, just in case I had to tell a doctor. I truly thought he was about to have a stroke brought on by work stress, like how he would suddenly rage at me because I was late coming home (even though I texted to let him know), or because I was a "freeloader" because I didn't work full time, or because I was spending too much time at work. I noted so many strange behaviors last fall I had to buy a bigger planner just to fit it all in
#5 One day he accused me of going to a cafe with someone because he found a receipt on the kitchen counter. I pointed out that the debit card number on the receipt didn't match any of ours and he said, "So you had your host pay for your lunch. You just can't help yourself with all the lies!" I didn't know where that damn receipt came from and I felt panicky, like maybe I HAD gone to that cafe and just couldn't remember. (Turned out the receipt belonged to S25.)
#6 -- Infinity! All these things kept me off balance last fall. Now I know the term for it: gaslighting. And I know he was projecting his sins onto me, to justify what he was doing. So many times I would tell myself, I'm just feeling paranoid. I ignored my gut.
#Infinity And Beyond! I'm remembering all this. His behavior toward me was cruel. And I'm not even going to go into the cruelties he inflicted during the S.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Back to our fights. The "How Dare Nitty Threaten to Leave Me" fight was ultra dramatic. He told me he would never feel safe again, because all I ever did to him anymore was attack him. Hurt him. Threaten to abandon him.
I thought, "Hell, I am not going to hold his hand through every tantrum and ignore my own feelings of abandonment." I imagined what it would be like to tell him "Let's just end this crap. I'd rather be D." I spent hours wondering if I was strong enough to end it.
I berated myself for claiming "marriage is forever" and there I was, considering ending it. Was I willing to end it because he was trying to reconcile and I have "the power" now? I certainly don't feel very powerful. I feel like I have no power at all. I feel like we continue to do everything on his terms.
A bit of a turnaround.
But the day after the "She's Leaving Me!" Fight he texted me and asked me if I wanted to leave him because he didn't want to come back to the old neighborhood. That was an amazing question because it showed me he'd been thinking about his own actions and how they may have had an effect on me. At least, that's how I took it.
I wrote back about how it was so hard to reach out to him after I had just endured an entire year of feeling attacked... by his PA and its aftermath and the S and the D he initiated. And yet I reach out because I believe we can save us.
So for him to constantly tell me I am attacking him when I do stuff like ask him to stop raging at me... it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and bury myself.
He said he didn't want me feeling that way. That was four days ago. Since then he's been trying, I can see that. I say something and cringe, thinking, well, he'll go off on that for certain. And he doesn't. Somehow he doesn't even flinch whereas before he would just blast away.
So yesterday I felt better, like I could breathe more easily when I'm around him.
This morning he texted me how depressed he felt, because he can see all the havoc he caused, and he is so very sorry for it. I reassured him, thanked him for trying. Told him I love him very much.
This week has shown me that it's really going to be rocky for a while, but he IS trying. So I am again encouraged. Thank you, God, for pulling me through this. I feel like I'm still walking through Hell, but as before, I'm just gonna keep on walking, and I know You are with me.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
One Resentment. He is pushing for us to move in together again, but not at our house. He wants me to move into his place, or for us to buy another house and move there. He says he is not comfortable going back to the old neighborhood where we've lived over 20 years, because the neighbors "know too much."
Honestly, moving away seems like hiding to me, like he's not coming back, but just trying to run away and take me with him. I told him no but he is insistent. I feel resentful right there, like our reconciliation may be off unless I agree to move away from our old neighborhood.
Another resentment. He keeps pushing me to spend the night at his place. We ML, sure, but I'm not yet ready to spend the night there. I won't go into details, but where he is living now is a place that was very special to the two of us before BD, for so many reasons. And then I got kicked out so she could come in.
She slept in our bed, helped him host parties there. They engaged in their PA there. I found her mascara there. I keep finding her kids' toys there. Her favorite junk food is still in the cupboards and freezer. There are new candles all over the place. I imagine that she bought them for romantic evenings together and I HATE it. I won't open anything anymore, just try to ignore what is out in the open. I let him get everything we need from cupboards or drawers. But I feel like little bits of her are hidden EVERYWHERE.
The "I Wanno Know" Resentment. I want to know things but I can't ask. I want to know what kind of plan he has to keep this from happening again. I want to know when he's going to get rid of all of her stuff! I want to know what he spent our money on. I want to know who the other women are, in case I run into them. Right now they feel like ticking time bombs to me. I just want to be prepared. And most of all, I want him to know how much he hurt me.
The Flashback Resentments. I am starting to have flashbacks again, probably because we're entering the time of year when his EA turned into a PA.
#1. I remember how worried I was, fearing my H was going to have a heart attack or a stroke, because he was so stressed all the time. He told me it was his job. So I did everything I could to make life at home as easy as possible. When he was telling her how miserable his life with me was.
#2 When he had to "work late," I kept his dinner warm until I finally had to put it away. He suddenly started working later than he ever had in his career, and I never questioned anything. I was so trusting, so stupid.
#3 I remember one day last fall when I helped him find something he lost, and then he became very cold. Told me that he realized I had actually hidden the item. That there was no use in claiming otherwise, because HE KNEW for a fact that I had hidden it. The only question, he wondered, was why? "I think you just can't help yourself, hiding things from me. It's just a compulsion you have, to lie and hide things from me. I guess this is just something I must accept about you." I denied it, of course, but he was adamant. And every now and then he would bring it up and ask me if I was ready "to level" with him about it. "No? Not yet? Hmmm."
#4 That episode was so bizarre that I started noting his behavior in my planner, just in case I had to tell a doctor. I truly thought he was about to have a stroke brought on by work stress, like how he would suddenly rage at me because I was late coming home (even though I texted to let him know), or because I was a "freeloader" because I didn't work full time, or because I was spending too much time at work. I noted so many strange behaviors last fall I had to buy a bigger planner just to fit it all in
#5 One day he accused me of going to a cafe with someone because he found a receipt on the kitchen counter. I pointed out that the debit card number on the receipt didn't match any of ours and he said, "So you had your host pay for your lunch. You just can't help yourself with all the lies!" I didn't know where that damn receipt came from and I felt panicky, like maybe I HAD gone to that cafe and just couldn't remember. (Turned out the receipt belonged to S25.)
#6 -- Infinity! All these things kept me off balance last fall. Now I know the term for it: gaslighting. And I know he was projecting his sins onto me, to justify what he was doing. So many times I would tell myself, I'm just feeling paranoid. I ignored my gut.
#Infinity And Beyond! I'm remembering all this. His behavior toward me was cruel. And I'm not even going to go into the cruelties he inflicted during the S.
Nitty that was my life expect he wasn't accusing me of taking his things but of having muliple affairs. Yes I was a lazy, woman of low profession starting with w! Even tho I worked 80hours per week at times.
I took just took the Bins out no hair done, no make up and guess who happened to drive by! Rolls eyes just my luck. How does he know to pick that moment of all times.
Last edited by Ggrass; 10/12/1411:08 PM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I know that this must be hard. That you have to examine every syllable that comes out of your mouth. That you trace and retrace every conversation. That you read piecing threads, take it slow, try not to spook him off.
I think, at this point, that I would start asking him if he understands what true forgiveness really means. And I would couple that with your need for complete transparency at some point in the future.
I would refuse, politely, to stay the night in the bungalow until every single item the OW put there was gone. He can take as long as he likes, but that is a requirement.
And know, KNOW DEEP IN YOUR HEART, that I would go to war to be where you are right now. With a shot. An actual chance. Do not let fear stop you from doing what you know you must to put your marriage back together.
Every single one of us is rooting you on. Praying for you. Hoping, that one more time, Love will Win.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Nitty, I just caught up on your situation. I am praying for you tonight. Stay firm, stay strong, and stay with the program.
(((Nitty)))
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yeah, shak some of would die. So keep on keeping on! Eyes on what you really want.
Although sometimes I think the quote "not sure if I could take him back now even if he was gold plated" sticks in my head.
My h is still fibbing his son is about over him too, looking like he could have a major health issue like demeture his memory Is shot to pieces. comments like "I have never seen the moon come up over there before" He has lived here all his life and we all know the moon didn't just move.
Last edited by Ggrass; 10/13/1410:03 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
wmwb123 and HopeTex and Jefe and Shakspr and GGrass, I am still praying for you guys, too! Thank you so much for your prayers.
GGrass, in reading what your H had done in the past and recently, I understand exactly why you would have misgivings about taking him back.
Originally Posted By: Shakspr
And know, KNOW DEEP IN YOUR HEART, that I would go to war to be where you are right now. With a shot. An actual chance. Do not let fear stop you from doing what you know you must to put your marriage back together.
YES. Yes, yes, and quadruple YES. Shakspr, we were at the precipice, looking over the brink. So close to losing our marriage! And I was planning to keep working at saving us even if we did get D.
And now we have a chance without getting D... I must not blow it.
I've been feeling sort of guilty, knowing my marriage got plucked and tossed onto The Second Chance Pile while so many others are still being driven relentlessly to D, and yet I am still struggling, kind of whining about "it's so hard, Waah!"
Maybe I can just see it as being farther on the path than you guys, kind of alert you to what you can expect during reconciliation. Like... here's a newsflash: you guys are gonna be surprised at how resentful you can become!
OK. I am going to work HARD with this second chance. Even if I have doubts, I will keep at it. There is no turning back. There is only going forward. I've come too far to just quit. I WILL NOT QUIT.
I will only express my resentments here. And I've got to get my act together, make a list of what I need to feel safe in this reconciliation.
1) A transparency plan. YES.
2) Getting rid of all her CRAP THAT IS STILL IN OUR PROPERTY. I didn't realize how much hatred I've got for her. I'm praying for help to let that go. If I'm not hating him, why should I be hating her? If I know the other OWs, I probably won't hate them as much, because he LOVED this OW, and she tried to take what was mine. She slept in my bed.
3) I need more ideas. I need to research what makes other LBS feel safe again during reconciliation. Like, I want him to start wearing his ring again. Not that wearing a ring is a guarantee, but still.
I'm not sure a list of things is as important as rebuilding trust, because once trust is built, the list is unnecessary, right?
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
