standing for me

[Ahoy]

Thanks all!

bdub -- I'll check out your thread.

My question to you: does this feeling last? I totally love it.

I did have one weepy moment when copying H's benefits form. He had made a heart in highlighter around the word "wife." How can he have drifted so far?

[Card29]

A few weeks ago when I was feeling weak, I looked at my W's FB wall from last fall, when we were at our best of our first 9 years. She said some amazing things about me. She's not the same person 1 year later though

[Hoju]

Hey Ahoy, keep up the reading on the divorce/seperation laws in your state. I don't think being prepared makes you a bad DBer.

As for the feeling of being free it will come and go, at least that's how it's been for me. A cute girl will flirt with me at work or I'll have a good night with the boys and feel ok with W leaving. On the other hand some mornings I'll wake up and look over and not see my W in bed beside me and just start to cry. I don't think the hurt will ever leave, it will just become less noticeable over time as fewer and fewer things remind you of your past love.

Anyway sounds like you're in a great place right now, enjoy it. 😄

[B-V2]

Spent yesterday evening organizing and copying paperwork and reading divorce books from the library. I am a bad DBer, right?

But I feel so independent and FREEEEEEEE....

I'm do wonder if I'm going to crash at some point...

Probably.

Hello Ahoy,

You are here, so how does that make you a bad DBer (and yes, I do understand what you mean)?

Having gone through that phase myself all within five weeks from BD (getting main assets evaluated and dividing them all up on paper, followed by her filing filing the divorce - in what felt like as "warp speed" to me during those five weeks), it is a bit more difficult for me to relate to your feelings of independent and free.
Did you not feel like that while in your relationship when all was well, or are you only referring to the current phase?

About crashing at some point: always possible, it happened to me last weekend (four months after BD, three months after divorce papers filed and having applying LRT).

[Jefe]

A few weeks ago when I was feeling weak, I looked at my W's FB wall from last fall, when we were at our best of our first 9 years. She said some amazing things about me. She's not the same person 1 year later though

My wife posted a string of amazing things about me on her FB from Feb - May of this year. Now I'm blocked. Go figure.

[bdub]

Ahoy,

I have had a few down moments. However, they are brief and less intense. I cant say you will be the same. All I can tell you is that a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. My eyes are wide open now, no more anxiety. I have been able to laugh. Even noticed I look "younger" in the mirror this morning.
I can't tell you what the right decision is. I know it took me a while. I knew for 3 days, in my heart, that I was done. Once that feeling didn't change for 3 days (maybe more) I told a friend, and told WAW that I was done and satisfied that I had given it all I could. That was my best day in 4 months.
So far that feeling has lasted.

[LisaB]

Hi Ahoy! Good for you! I truly think this DB process can be a way for you to keep your dignity through the experience of separation. Sometimes going through the process we end up realizing that we are better off without the WAS. Perhaps we work hard and do the best we can and yet the WAS still isn't interested. No matter what it isn't a failure. You tried, you looked inside, and if you can't stay married then you can't.

I think it is admirable that you are standing up for yourself and doing what you think is best for your own happiness and sanity. And you are right, the legal piece of paper is not what is important. You can always reunite without it, or not.

Good luck and I hope the happy feelings continue! Life is full of possibilities!

Hugs, Lisa

[Ahoy]

B-V2, to answer your question, I feel free of him and his craziness, his neediness, his lying, cheating, and overall lack of character. It's a relief not to be tethered to someone like that.

When we were together, I know he loved me. He has had some neurological difficulties this year, which started with seizures and now is treated by medication that affects his moods. I think this set him off into a midlife crisis, and now he's overturning his universe. If he showed any interest in working on things with me, I would do it. But he doesn't, so I get to wash my hands of this crazy person.

All-- I have a question/dilemma. On Tuesday, when H told me he was "seeing someone," I told him that D14 was very suspicious that that he needed to clear the air with her by telling her the truth that he was indeed seeing someone. H agreed and said he would keep it "general." Last night I took D14 to an event and when we were driving back to H's place, I asked her, "Did you talk to your dad?" (She said she wanted to open up to him more.) She said, "I told him I didn't want him dating anyone right now." I said, "So he told you he's seeing someone." She said, "He is?"

I had TOLD H that I didn't want to be the one responsible for sharing this information, and I guess I should have been more careful when questioning D14, but I assumed from her answer, and from H's reassurance, that he was going to have this conversation with her. So now D14 is mad at H, and it's my fault (in his view.)

I called him as soon as I got home to apologize and explain how I had misunderstood what he meant when he said he would be honest with her (!). He was mad and said that he didn't intend to share his private life with her. In other words, he plans to continue dating and keep it secret, in spite of the fact that she has asked him not to. I personally could care less whether he dates or not. I am SO done with him. But it kills me that he thinks it's okay to lie to our D14 and sneak around. Whatever.

The bottom line is: this is someone I never want to be with again. NEVER. There is nothing at all attractive to me about him. NOTHING. He is just not the man he used to be.

It drives me crazy reading the posts above about how people can go from loving, positive, caring spouses -- posting nice things of FB, etc. -- and then suddenly turn into these narcissistic aliens. I'm not wasting any time on him anymore. Life is too short. I will act with compassion toward him during the dissolution process and while we sort things out for D14, but that is all.

Angry today, obviously.

[SunnyB]

Ahoy, sorry it's turned out like this with your D14. I can totally see something like that happening with my kids. My H's proposed answer to all questions is "it's none of your business". But I won't lie to a direct question so if I end up telling them things instead of him then that's his choice.

Hope your day is great.

[Ahoy]

Okay -- forgot to ask my question. How much should a 14-year-old be told. I think she deserves a soft version of the truth because she already has suspicions that are driving her nuts. And she needs to understand that H has moved on and we are not getting back together.

I would like him to say, "I have been unhappy since January, and I am seeing someone else to see if I might be happier. It doesn't change how I feel about you, or my love for you."

If he insist on dating against her wishes, I think he should say, "I know you've stated that you're not ready to see me dating right now, but this is an important part of my personal growth, and I'll make sure that it doesn't affect you."

Of course, I have no control over what he does or doesn't say. I'm just wondering, what is appropriate? Need advice!

Also, H said that if D14 asked me questions about his situation, I should defer her to him to ask him directly. That's fine, except I know he'll be lying to her. Sigh.