Just wanted to let you know you are being heard. Many others are in a situation similar to yours. However, here's the basics.
What do you need to do to work on you?
List here, in detail, what you believe you have done to contribute to your H's behavior. This doesn't condone it, but it does give you a good place to start. And the veterans on the board can give you pointers.
I am very sorry to hear that the in-laws are somehow turning a blind eye or are being supportive of your H's actions. Ignore them until they reach out to you, and let your son know that they may be just as confused by your H's actions as you are. Do not place blame.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
That must be so hard to deal with , I have similar problems and all I keep thinking is patience patience patience . And utmost restraint to not say or do anything stupid .
So be patient and be strong .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
I know im far from perfect, and have issues that I've been working on, but it seems like one step forward two steps back!When I was pregnant with our son 16 yrs ago I had put on quite a bit of weight..and my husband would tell me "You had 8 months to put on the weight so you have 8 months to take it off" !Ever Since,I have struggled with my weight, never fully feeling comfortable being intimate with him or even getting dressed up to go out, or being around friends I thought had better figures than me! He would always tell me how unfair it was to him because when we met I was petite! I never made it a priority to take care of myself I believe in turn making him unattracted to me. Being that im a mom I always feel like our son would take priority over our needs as husband and wife, and would feel so quilty if we did anything without him. Therefore we never went anywhere without him! I figured after he graduated high school we would get our together time!I have always been one if I have issues or problems I bury them and dont want to talk with him because he would bring up the same issues everytime..he says he feels like I make him feel like Im his mom not his wife, not sure what that means? This may seem like a small issue but when you have to do the same tasks day after day I would expect my family to notice I need help and just help instead of me having to ask, so when I would ask they will say I nag all the time!I enjoy doing things with my family and he doesn't and I've resented him for that because his parents always took priority because financially we felt like we owed them our time. I've resented him for several things..and of course not fully tell him my feelings. I wanted more children but he said not until I lost weight, I wanted an actual wedding instead of a Vegas wedding. Even though I never actually told him how important those things were in my life and felt as though they had been robbed from me, he could sense I was always upset about it!But never have I loved him any less because of that..I feel like I gave up talking about it because it upset him! This D is getting out of control..and I feel like I will never have my husband back in my life and Im so sad! Im really trying to start taking care of myself but feel like it may be to late! Has anybody gone through a nasty D and end up reconciling?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Thank you..im trying!Something about seeing the two of them together just makes my blood boil, because just weeks ago it was her and I doing things together and I still got to come home to my husband! Now she has him and neither show any remorse! Sorry about your situation as well..I cant fathom putting anybody in this much heartache and not feeling guilty!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
"I cant fathom putting anybody in this much heartache and not feeling guilty!"
Boy can I relate.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thank you..im trying!Something about seeing the two of them together just makes my blood boil, because just weeks ago it was her and I doing things together and I still got to come home to my husband! Now she has him and neither show any remorse! Sorry about your situation as well..I cant fathom putting anybody in this much heartache and not feeling guilty!
This causes me heartache just reading it. My heart aches and my wife is no where at all looking for an OM. To have that added sting that you know her wow. I completely agree and think it all the time. HOw can someone who once loved me (even professing it in text with me and on FB days before the walkaway) not think about the pain this causes.
The only advice I have would be for you to work on you. I am starting to belive that the best way for DB to work is for you to actual work it. Starting loving you for you. The happier you are with yourself thhe more the confidence will be seen as attractive to you H. Im no expert just as speaking from a guys perspective. My W had gained alot of weight due to health issues and early menopause. I always complimented her on the way she looked and on days when she was happy with her weight I was even more attracted to her. Will keep you in my prays.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
CMS...Thank you so much for the prayers and reminder that I need to just focus on myself. It's so true that days when I felt more confident in myself and maybe had lost a few pounds...our chemistry was much stronger! The last text I got from my friend was "Maybe if you weren't so fat your husband wouldn't have to pursue other women...you fat B****" those words will always be ingrained in my memory! And when I showed my husband he just said "you must have said something to provoke her to say that" and totally deffended her! That hurt the most, coming from the man I've loved and supported for 16 yrs!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
"Maybe if you weren't so fat your husband wouldn't have to pursue other women...you fat B****"
I'm so sorry for you. Not much of a friend. I've got some knife twisting pain going on in my situation so I can completely relate. Your emotions will roller coaster all over the place. My wife gained a lot of weight with our two children and never could shake it and I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Especially because of all her body went through for our kids.
If you seek prayer please feel free to visit our prayer circle thread on the Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy forum. I will add you to my prayers tonight.
Stay strong and don't give up no matter how dark it gets or how crappy you feel.
(((intime)))
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe..I constantly find myself thinking about everything they have done and said and what if I would have just not said anything to my H about all the calls they were making to each other...maybe we would still be together?
The only thing I have found that really takes my mind off them is spending time with my son, but he will be spending every other week with my H starting today. What have you found if anything that helps take your mind off everything?
I want to ask my H so bad why he acts like I should just be accepting of this situation, and should I just pretend that its normal to see that my family of 16 yrs have just welcomed this HW without any question? My stomach is constantly turning and I find myself crying over the stupidest things!
So I guess there is an upside to this whole thing..I have lost almost 30 lbs since this whole ordeal started. I hope the knife twisting will eventually end for the both of us and anybody else going through the same sitch!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
"Jefe..I constantly find myself thinking about everything they have done and said and what if I would have just not said anything to my H about all the calls they were making to each other...maybe we would still be together?"
I often wish I had never picked up the phone and looked, then she wouldn't have left, or would she have? We both stood up for what was right. God would not have allowed us to have the knowledge and not do anything about it for long. Our marriages were already lost we just didn't know it yet. Don't blame yourself you didn't do this. We can talk about our "contributions" to the downfall at another opportunity.
"The only thing I have found that really takes my mind off them is spending time with my son, but he will be spending every other week with my H starting today. What have you found if anything that helps take your mind off everything?"
I wish I had the answers here. I still suffer too. I can say this, please find yourself something to do on the weeks the kiddo is with H. Maybe something new you've always wanted to do, or a Zumba class, or something that makes you feel pretty, anything but sitting in the house alone with your thoughts and tears.
"I want to ask my H so bad why he acts like I should just be accepting of this situation, and should I just pretend that its normal to see that my family of 16 yrs have just welcomed this HW without any question? My stomach is constantly turning and I find myself crying over the stupidest things!"
He's in a self-will fueled fog. He would't/couldn't answer you if you tried. This is just the territory for the LBS. The crying is normal. I still breakdown almost daily. But it gets better, I promise.
"So I guess there is an upside to this whole thing..I have lost almost 30 lbs since this whole ordeal started. I hope the knife twisting will eventually end for the both of us and anybody else going through the same sitch!"
Seems to be another LBS trait, the awesome sleep depraved, stress induced weight loss. I'm down at least 30 pounds myself. Eat healthy (healthier at least) and don't focus on it too much. I would just love to get a full 8 hours sleep in one 24hr period instead of the 8 hours I get spread over 3 days. This to ebbs and flows but in an upward fashion. It get better. Stay strong!
PS, what is HW? I know you're referring to the other woman but what exactly is it?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
