Wife in denied but ongoing affair, what to do???

[Little]

Yep, I'll be coming back to hear, as well.

Glad you found a good footing to rest on. It's awesome when you say what you mean and feel like you presented it powerfully!

[blndsid]

So about last night. I started the conversation talking about the last couple weeks, how things had seemed to change between us in a good way, that'd we'd turned a corner. Spending more time as a family and more physical contact, etc.

I then told her that recently it had come to my attention that her and OM were in fact still carrying on an affair. She cut me off and asked how I came to that conclusion. I asked her do I have to have pictures? You know what you're doing and what you're planning for the conference next week. She said she didn't know what I was talking about.

I then mentioned again about her flight itinerary, how W and OM names were on the same flights there and back. She denied. I told her it could all be found online. She then admitted that yes, they were on the same flights there and back. That's about where she stopped talking. I told her I hadn't asked her a question in the last 6 weeks that I didn't know the answer before I asked. Every lie you told, I knew as you told it.

I continued with the script best I could remember it, about it being disrespectful. That I did not want a divorce, but I wouldn't stand for an open marriage. I said I was not afraid of divorce like I was 6 weeks ago, even though all my counselors had told me I didn't want a divorce with a 3 and 5 yr old. Told her you have to end it now and work with me on our marriage. I would work with her and had already started to make my own changes. I told her I was never going back to how I was, never. I told her I had made changes but apparently she had not made the changes she said she'd made. I could only change me, and she could only change her. Then I told her we both have things to think about.

I paused on occasion to to see if she wanted to say anything, but nothing beyond the "how do you knows". I then told her whenever she wanted to be truthful about everything that I'd be willing to talk to her about it, but only if she wanted to talk truthfully about it.

Paused again to give her a chance, but nothing, a little tearing up. I stood up and walked towards our front door hallway and stopped. I said the only reason I'm still in this after 6 weeks of straight lying is because of the boys. I repeated that I was not afraid of divorce like I had been before. Then I said when I have the conversation fifteen years from now, when the boys ask about what happened with our marriage, that I would be able to tell them the truth. And that I'm confident they would understand why dad did what dad did. That was the only part where my voice cracked a little, regarding the boys.

I paused to give her a chance to talk, but she just looked away with tears in her eyes. I repeated that we both have things to think about. I told her goodnight and I'd be back in a couple hours, then I left.

[blndsid]

When I got home, about 11:30, and got in bed she was awake and asked me how my evening was. Told her it was good. She asked who I was with and I told her names, including the females. Gave her a few details and the conversation ended.

This morning W got up first and did morning routine as usual. Except today she got right on the boys breakfast before I could get up. Our S3 typically comes in our room after he wakes up and crawls in bed with me for a few minutes, so I was tied up at the moment, but figured it was fine if I skipped a day.

She didn't say anything to me except good morning after I said it first. She just hustled to get the boys ready, so I just got myself ready for work. I had a full day planned for a change. As she was leaving she told S5 that W or grandma would be picking him up from school. I hadn't told her I wouldn't be back in time to pick him up as usual, but she was correct that he needed someone else to get him. Then she left, not sure if she even said bye to me.

About three minutes after leaving I get a text from W. It read: "Yes, me or my mom will pick S5 up. Also, you can check your emails or whatever way you are tracking me and you'll see that I told him last night that it is time for us to walk away from each other. Believe me, don't believe me. Whichever."

I replied: "OK about S5. I said I was willing to talk about us once you decided to be truthful about everything going on." and then right away: "I stand by that and hope we can talk like that in the near future. Whenever you are ready."

She replied: "Well that's what's going on. I ended it last night. It wasn't easy and I am sad but it's done. Not ready to talk beyond that at this point."

I replied: "I understand, it will take time. Take your time. I want to believe, and that will take me time too.

After that, nothing else until we got home. I did have some concern that the pick up comment suggested she might stay with the boys at her mom's house. But that was mind reading and didn't happen, though I would have let her do it, for the weekend at least. I could use a day off from DB.

[1foot2]

Wow, thats pretty amazing. You handled that well! I will definitely leave it to the vets to advise what you should do next.

[blndsid]

I got home a few minutes before she did with the boys. Talk was small at first but as she started dinner I asked if she wanted a beer. At first she did not, but talked herself into one. So I got one for her and myself. We talked small talk about our day during dinner. She said her coworkers were going to a bar tonight since they didn't last night. I told her I didn't have plans and that she should go.

We talked small talk in the living room later and told W my brother was having people over to watch the Aggies beat the hell outta 'bama. She had plans with her mom in the morning but thought she'd be done about 2:30, so she said she'd go along and we'll take the boys. We shall see.

So, now W is out and I'm catching up on this stuff. As she left I can admit the trust burn in the gut was acting up, but I sucked it up and told her to be safe and have a good time. Give her space, she's going to do what she's going to do.

Tonight she did stay to put the kids in bed before leaving, which she didn't do the last several times she went out with coworkers (which we all know now was basically code for the A). Maybe my leading by example will pay off. I guess we'll find out if she gets home at 11:30 or 2:30 as before. She has sent me a couple minor texts since she's been out. I've replied with minor replies.

I'm going to do push-ups, sit-ups, and the like to burn some nervous energy. I'm glad I did what I did last night but it doesn't really change anything. I still can't believe a word she says and I guess I keep working on detach, GAL, etc. until one day she maybe decides to set things right. If not, well I'm not afraid of divorce like I was 6 weeks ago.

Since Wednesday I have found I'd like to have her removed from all my family pictures. I see her in them and it makes me sick when I think of what she is actually capable of and then shows no visible remorse. I guess that will pass, or not, but I'll survive.

[blndsid]

1foot2, yeah, I guess I keep on with the detach, GAL, and all. No pressure, give her space. But because I don't trust her at all, not one bit, I have no idea what she could do that will make me believe it is over or that she hasn't just moved onto another dude, or woman.

She told me one of the people she invited to go out with tonight was the girl from the wedding, the one after some GoG action. Ugh, but I can't do anything about it and, honestly, that's the lessor of two evils right now.

It's almost funny at this point. I almost want to see how F'd up things can get before I have no choice but to punch out. I have lots of true stories in my life that people think I made up. How'd I end up here?

[blndsid]

Yeah, so she got home after 2:00 am but before 3:30 this morning. Not sure when since I was sleeping on and off, but she did sleep on the sofa. I guess to not wake me up. I decided to look at phone numbers she was texting last night (bad idea) and it included the OM cell number and another guy I think I mentioned before, that she got his number at that wedding a couple weeks back.

Funny thing she was texting OM and new OM at the same time. Bad news she stopped texting anyone after 1:20 or so, then texted new OM at 3:00 and he replied once immediately. Great. Only thing that allows me to be in denial is that maybe her battery died on her phone. But getting home around 3 when bars close at 2, makes me think we're still on the downward slide.

This has inspired me once again to stop snooping. It is killer and I know it, but I feel I need to know what's up. However, it DESTROYS any PMA I may have and leaves me in a pissed off funk for at least 24 hrs. No more Snooping (until next time).

Otherwise she was her usual two faced self today. Went to bros house to watch an awful football game. She was friendly to me and mom and everyone the whole time. Talking about fixing up our house and staying on our budget, all while my PMA was trashed. I did give her a one armed hug while on a sofa over there. Then she told me my legs were getting skinny and I should include squats and such in my workouts. She also went shopping today and offered to buy me new shorts since my old ones are too big. I wonder if she thinks my exercising is the reason for weight loss, or just in denial that I lost 25 lbs in 20 days after initial A discovery. She's a sick person.

We got home and she fed kids and I bathed them. Somewhere in there she came to me and gave me a long hug, and I hugged back. Then she sat with the boys while I updated another resume. Then she put them to bed.

As I sat here writing the first part of this post she came in and laid on the bed with me. She was acting in a similar fashion as two weeks ago when we had sex, so I kept my hands off.

We talked a little small talk, including my resumes and I told her I was going to nail one of these recent positions I'd applied for. That I needed a job with benefits since I'd apparently leaned on her too much this last year. Reiterated the need for benefits (in case of D, but No mention of D of course) and said I'd start wherever I could and work up.

She talked of watching a movie together in bed and I said I would, but before we could decide she said she wouldn't stay awake through it. I hadn't run in two days so I decided to end our laying down time by going for a run. Now I'm back and finishing my post for the day.

It is so hard to keep a PMA. Snooping is stupid. I was in a bad place most of today, but running and working on getting more work helps with that. I feel my biggest 180 would be reliable employment. Even if I'd be making less than my small business does, her perception of stability is a check direct deposited the same day every month. I'll keep working extra jobs like I have been on top of the small biz. Every bit helps.

Oh, and trying to detach is a struggle in my sitch. I actually felt better with her on the sofa last night, regardless of why she chose to sleep there.

[Wet]

Hi blndsid, snooping? I have done more damage to myself bc of my snooping than anyone else can imagine. Here is what LoisB wrote to me (I'll use your name for better effect) about snooping that was very helpful:

"Stop IT!!! blndsid, Stop, stop, stop!!!!

Push it away. Push ALL that NEGATIVITY away. It's not helping.

Stay in YOUR Lane...Life is better there, NO drama, NO more rejection. It's bad enough, don't make it worse. Guard your heart.

Imagine yourself at 5 years old, all cute and cuddly and loving and trusting and innocent. Imagine that lil blndsid.

Now, imagine throwing that cute lil guy in with the lions at the zoo. Just pitching him in there like a toy for the lions to play with. That's what you did when you snooped. You fed that cute lil guy to the lions.

Don't do that!"

I like your signature tag, but you already know - "people are crazy", so don't do crazy things like snooping yourself. Good luck.

[blndsid]

Thanks wet. The last two snoops were both one snoop too far. 2nd to last I had thought (hoped) she'd come around which she hadn't (although it did get me back to DB tactics as I should have been). The last snoop suggested she's moving on to OM2 (and possible OM3 being an ex-boyfriend in the texting that night).

I'm not sure how so many suffer through these situations and keep taking a beating. I know I'm already dead, like in band of brothers, but I find myself wanting to hope otherwise and just keep my head down.

Then today we spend time at a pumpkin patch as a family, trying to keep PMA with the kids, while all the time she has no problem acting like nothing's wrong and all are happy. Meanwhile I figure she'd probably f the goat if it sent her some sext messages first. There's some mental poison and PMA at work for you, in case you wondered if snooping was good or bad for your mind.

Otherwise took boys to church today. W didn't go so she wouldn't have to sweat through the service (rimshot). She leaves for her week long conference on Tuesday. Woo hoo. Honestly, it will probably be good to have her out of the house for a week. I'm finding it hard to look at her. Still want her out of my family photos.

So the last 4 years we have done Halloween at my mom's neighborhood with all my brothers and their kids. This year W wants to do it with the friends from the wedding a few weeks back, and trick-or-treat there too (rimshot). For those keeping track, OM2 lives next door to the newlywed couple. Yea for our happy family of 4.

So yeah, I'm avoiding the snooping and working on a PMA this week.

[blndsid]

Today was rather interesting. We had an exchange of emails that started with her sending me her itinerary for her flights and her comment like: you already have this, but just in case. I f'd up and replied that I was tired of the lying, and sneaking and that I hoped one day to have a truthful conversation about the past several months.

This basically opened the floodgates regarding the fact that somehow I knew what was going on (snooping too much) and that I had to destroy any records I had of the A before she'd talk, etc. My responses were apologetic in that I didn't mean to start a full blown R talk via email. Her replies were pretty colorful and I kept mine calm and vague. Hard to tell how she reads them, as all I say or do is attacking her or otherwise wrong.

I went to work for a few hours and W was home when I pulled in. She was getting clothes together and I brought up the email exchange. I didn't want to go a whole week without draining the wound. Honestly, for all the hostility I was glad she was showing some emotion about the R.

Apparently she read through my text messages to my best man and didn't like what she read. We have discussed all different angles to my switch and some rubbed her wrong. I told her he was my best man and sounding board. I said you have OM to talk to, I have him. Best man is currently in another country, so I considered him far enough away to be inert, and trustworthy as hell, well beyond my wife for sure.

We had it out but eventually calmed down. No yelling, but she raised her voice a few times. I didn't give up my methods but told her I was done snooping for various reasons. She even asked if I'd hired a PI. Then said she was sending horrendous texts just to hurt me assuming I was reading them (which I can't, luckily). Apparently f-ing another person is ok, but snooping is one of the 7 deadlies.

Anyhow, it calmed down and she went to her mom's for a while with boys, to talk trash or trial S I'm sure. I bought groceries and cooked dinner.

So much more went on but that was the short version. She continues to lie and say it's over. Repeatedly. I've decided I don't or can't care anymore. I'm looking forward to a week without her lying to me and me snooping to my detriment. I called this hell week before, but maybe time apart will be good for us. No more snooping, I can do this. It's funny how ticked she got, not knowing what I know, but I doubt it helped our sitch. This week is all about letting go. Wish me luck.