Newcomer living in Hell

[Card29]

Have you ever seen the Stockdale Paradox mentioned around here? I heard it for the first time today. It should be in the next DB book. It's worth a Google, at least, but here is the short version:

You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.

AND at the same time…

You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

Btw, it was developed by a guy who survived 8 years of POW and torture. That makes our sitches seem like heaven, and yet this mentality worked for him. So it will definitely work for us. And your reality is this: you have a WAW making a dash for seemingly greener pastures.

If you had to put your sitch in terms of this paradox, what would it look like? What is your hope for your M, and more importantly what is your hope for YOU as an individual man. What do you believe will happen someday? But at the same time, what are the brutal realities of your sitch? Lay it all out and face it. I don't interpret it as "dwell in misery" but "face reality, process it, learn from it".

[Shakspr]

Admiral Stockdale. Not bad for a Navy man. I may need to frame that one.

[bravo61]

Card the realities are i'm gonna be divorced. she has too much invested in that action and she has pre-determined the outcome. that said she also has to heal. the divorce (she will find) doesn't automatically lead to pixie dust and unicorn farts! the reality is i was changing before the BD so i have no intention/inclination to revert back to whom i was. my originally stated goal to my C was that i want to be a better man. do i want to share that with W first? absolutely. does it change anything if she doesn't want it? nope. that said, we could not have a relationship until she is done healing and develops self-worth for herself. my fear is that she is going to b*t sh*t crazy for a little while. i can't stop that but i will hurt for her and my kids. i can say without reservation that she is a fool for leaving the husband i've become!!! she will have a moment of clarity at some point and i know she is struggling with this. her favorite phrase right now is You Got This. she even said that it's hard to imagine anything making her happy right now.

she did call two more times tonight. she called right before her shift was gonna start to let me know that she was leaving from the tatoo parlor and going directly to work (ok don't know why you are telling me that). so the tatoo lasted over three hours and it still wasn't done-sigh. S told her bout the fun we had playing catch today-she was shocked at that one (that i bought a glove, even told her i would leave it at her apt so she wouldn't have to buy one to use). she told the kiddos she loved them (kinda stung to be left out even though i should be used to it-she even tells them she still loves me). she asked me to call her later so she could say goodnight to the kids. told her no she would need to call me as i don't know how busy she'll be.

she called later said good night to kids. S handed me the phone and told her she was being handed off to daddy (gotta love a matchmaker). she was pleasant and said that D was not signed up for daycare tomorrow and that she would get her from me as soon as she got off work (8a). told her no i would watch her so W could get a few hrs rest. W said thanks and she really apprectiates it. mot a problem even though i have to start my workweek tomorrow night (graveyard shift). told her to let me know when she is ready to pick up D.

[bravo61]

so the W got off work at 8a this am. texted me to say she would be up at 11 to get D. told her to all the time she needed. she texted at 1330 that she forgot to set alarm and bring D whenever and she might be in the shower. took D over and W answered the door. she looked SO BEAUTIFUL! she had just woken up and had a shirt with no bra on on sleep shorts. i asked if i could see the tatoo. she pulled down a good part of her shorts near the hip so i could see it. it's pretty big-i think that is one of the ways she is "claiming herself". told her if anyone could pull it off she could. i was honestly preoccupied with the skin i saw. she asked if it was so bad that it had to be "pulled off". told her no just that it was a big difference from her original small daisy tatoo. she apologized again for the alarm and i told her don't worry about it it was my pleasure to help. D got teary as i was leaving and gave me a big hug and said she was gonna miss me. i gave wife and hug and as i was leaving i heard her tell D that's a sweet daddy isn't he. i miss her and my family so much. i'm still letting her initiate contact, no R talks, being pleasant, even at soccer games/practices i stand off to the side and let her come to me if she chooses (she always does). the GAL part of it is where i struggle. i work out and started playing my guitar again but not much time to do other things as i work nights. i would love to do some volunteer work and i'm gonna look into that. my life is being there for my kids and yes my W (180) although i don't advertise that to her or walk around asking what i can do for her. struggling...

[Shakspr]

Bravo, my wife is so beautiful to me that I am in pain just thinking about her being gone from my life - as my wife - forever. I know that for many of us, that pain will diminish, but never pass completely.

That's ok. It means we're human and not some kind of machine.

Embrace your grief, cry it out, scream at the wind. It helps. Don't bottle it up. A friend of mine denied his grief after D for 3 years and it almost killed him.

Find a man who gets it, is a brother to you in spite of your faults, and just let it go. (Actual brothers, especially close ones, aren't a good resource for this exercise, IMHO.)

You will find, as I have, that it is cathartic. Afterwards, you can turn a corner, breathe a bit, and ultimately return to the good PMA you need. Keep on keeping on!

[bravo61]

thanks shake.
someone gets it, although i wish no one had to go through our own version of the st. crispin's day battle. we few, we precious few, that stood together...

it's surreal that after 15+ years i now know i can't just pick up the phone to call her and hear her voice cause she doesn't want to hear mine! she used to call me all the time or jump on the bed and just say "hey" in this chipper way that i miss so much. and it somehow contained so much love in that little word. i miss that during the night, i would sometimes feel her feet rub mine like she was just reminding herself that i was still there. all those times that i would try something new or see something and the first thought on my mind would be "i wonder if W would like this". or waiting out in the driveway when i knew she was coming home with groceries. or how she would sometimes come up behind me and wrap her arms around my waist and put her face in my back. or at night when she was cold she would ask to "sharm my warm". i miss my W and feel as if i'm dying! it's been 4 months but my pain is just as bad as the first day, only now its more real.

[bravo61]

Any vets out there see any good signs for me? She has said as recently as Aug that she struggles w/this and has cried in my presence several times. She has also told me she loves me a couple of times. She watches me like a hawk & is continually testing me & still needs her daily affirmation from friends that's"you've got this". She also made the comment the other day bout having a hard time seeing herself being happy anywhere. Read my thread and PLEASE give some ideas. We also have a road trip planned in 1 1/2 weeks for 4 days. I'm not nervous at all bout it as its a chance to show me off in a stressful situation (road trip w/2 kids and a WAS). Ladies, any ideas? Funny thing is, I get hit on all the time here in the Pacific NW (Southern charm & accent). She has also been planning this since Feb(walking away) but still struggles. Yet she has said some of the worst things & is trying to get this D done ASAP. Help!!!

[bravo61]

so i got off work at 6a this am. as i'm leaving work to go home to get in bed W texts me and asks if i'm going straight to bed. i tell her no so i can be there for her if she needs me (180). she tells me S wants his soccer jersey for a soccer camp that i registered him for a while back (its in my apartment). to be transparent apparently he told W it was at my apt last night and she does have a key. i just simply told her i was on my way. took the jersey over there and the kids weren't up yet. gave her the jersey and she let me see the tatoo again. she said that if i wanted i could stay a little while and help get the kids up. y'all shoulda seen their faces when they saw i was there to wake them up at Mama's. my D snuggled with me on the couch for a little while during which W made small talk. i told her i needed to go and she put out her hand to help me up and then opened her arms for a hug. i kinda smiled and hugged my little girl first and she kinda wimpered Daddy i miss you all the time. then my little boy gave me a hug. the the W gave me a huge hug with her arms over mine so we could get in close. while hugging she stroked my back a little bit. gave kids another hug and then she seemed to want another. gave her one (what can i say, i'm a giver-guess my LL-gifts). i'm not reading into anything so if there is anything i'm missing i'd really love to know. even people that i haven't talked to in years have called me recently have said "wow, you don't even sound like the same person". is she too close to the situation? i'm gonna maintain the course, limited contact (initiated only by her), be happy around her and act as if, work on my 180's (may go skydiving next week), and try not to be crushed by the soul stealing grief that strikes in waves out of the blue(the latest the memory of how happy she was picking me up at the airport in Feb-she ran up crying and jumped into my arms). hope all is well or at least getting better with everyone that reads this.

[LoveMyW]

It's great to see that look on the kids faces isn't it bravo??.. A real uplifting moment if you ask me!!..

As for the W stuff, as you know I am no vet, but I would say take it as it comes and don't look too much in to it.. Just let it flow and have no expectations.. We can be hurt if things aren't what they seem that way..

[bravo61]

Yeah it is LMW.
It's tough cause I remember that same look on her face.