Wife Still in MLC but has now left #5

[ericmsant2]

D14 wanted to stay with me and not her mother

why did you not agree to have D14 live with you?

what you don't know is this is a 180 on my W's part

Why are you still trying to do 180’s for YOUR W? Now, if it is something YOU wanted to change – then I get it. Actually, maybe I making an assumption – do you still want ex back? Cause if you do, then I actually do understand the 180.

The reason I found it so odd is because my W was adamant that wherever D14 was staying, the dog would go with her.

FTR, I actually have written into my agreement 50/50 custody of my dog. I had a similar sitch. Guess what? My dog has been with me for almost 3 months now. I have a better understanding now. Thanks for clarifying I now can totally relate to what you may be dealing with. My advice – do what you want to do regarding the dog. If W get’s pissed – ignore her.

[TSquared2]

It took me a long time to finally stop trying to figure out my W and just worry about myself, my kids and what I could control, Matt...a long time. I was so pleased to read the part you wrote that I quoted...

[Matt165]

Hey Eric,
Well in answer to why i let D14 stay 50/50 with my W and I...at the time I was still very much in "I don't think W will actually go through with this" mind set. She hadn't filed yet and was actually saying she wasn't planning to, that she was thinking a "separation". She was VERY adamant about 50/50 and when I said that 7 days/7 days may not be best she freaked out and said I was trying to "take my D away from me". She said at the time that if I didn't agree to at least try this she would ask for the house to be sold and if i would agree to at least try it and see how it went I could keep the home as she didn't want it and she would keep all the other things like her retirement and 403B's, etc. This is one of the reasons I was so PO'd when I got the paperwork from her lawyer that said i could only live in the home until D14 turned "18 + one day"! I really thought that having the home she grew up in for at least part of the time would be good for my D14 and at the time my D19 was still planning on staying with me. If I had known what I do now, I never would have agreed to it. Heck, I wouldn't have agreed to a lot of things!

When I said "This is a 180" I didn't mean a 180 for me, I meant for HER. She was wanting D14 and the dog to ALWAYS be a set. For her to say I needed to check if D14 was staying if she wanted the dog as well, was a "180" from what she wanted before now. Sorry if I wasn't clear. As for wanting my W "back", I really think that ship has sailed. Now, if by some miracle, she started to come out of her MLC and actually was able to see the damage she has done and actually want to do the work she would need to have a M, I might be open to trying. But you know as well as I do how unlikely that is to happen in time to stop this D from actually happening. We've been M 21 years and together 26. The way she is now isn't who she was for 90% of that time.

50% custody of the dog is a great idea! I really miss the one dog she has totally claimed as "hers"!

[Matt165]

Another weird day in the world of MLC!!!
OK, so this morning my D14 had a dance event. She just started doing this a few weeks ago and this was her first "event" where she will dance in public. She stayed at her mom's last night because it started really early. At noon there was going to be a "show" where D14 was going to have a small part in. I was supposed to pick her up after and get there in time to see my D14's part. On my way I get a text from W. She asks if I had gotten there yet. I text back I was on my way and would be there in 5 min. I get there and I get another text as I was parking saying D14 was getting ready to start. I get in just in time to see my D14's group do their part. It was great, she looked like she was really having fun!

There were a few more groups after hers and as I made my way up to the bleachers I hear someone call my name. It was my W and she saved a seat next to her and asked me to come sit with her. She told me that she recorded D14's routine FOR ME. (Uh?). Wow, that was really nice of her and I thanked her. She made a little small talk and it ended. We both went down to get D14, talked to some of her friends, etc. As we were leaving, I said I would meet them at her house so I could pick up D14 and her dog as I have her until tomorrow.

I get to her house just after they do and D14 wants to eat, change and get her stuff together before leaving. So, I was there for about 20-30 min's. My W was really nice the whole time. She showed me some new plants her father gave her (he owned a nursery for years), she also showed me a violet she was trying to grow from a clipping. This is something her grand mother used to do and I mentioned that. She said that was why she was doing it and that she wants to find some "hobbies" and the plants were one she thought she would like. She told me that she was going to a baby shower for one of her friends from work later and after that she was having a group of her friends over to play dominos. She told me about a cake she was going to bake and even showed me a new cookbook she got it from. She was being like her old self and we talked and laughed and she seemed to enjoy my company! At one point she even offered to make me a grilled cheese since D14 was taking a long time to get ready. (I said no thanks). She was really nice and thanked me for coming as I left.

Talk about different! This was the W I remember from before her MLC. She wasn't looking to say how I was wrong about anything I said, she was friendly and seemed to want my opinion and listen to what I said. For the last 2 years she has always seemed to want to argue about little things, find something "wrong" about anything I said, just seemed to want to disagree or put me in a bad light...not today. She also seemed while not "happy", more content than she has been lately. She wasn't all tense like she was just yesterday when she had to come and let the dog in. I could actually LIKE this person.

So, tonight I remembered that I had read something that she would be interested in and forgot to tell her today. So, I took a chance and texted her that I knew she was busy but I had read this and wanted to tell her because I thought she would be interested. I didn't expect her to text back as she has friends over. Well, she did and was nice, asked questions and thanked me for letting her know. Made me glad I texted as I wanted to show that I appreciated that she was so friendly today.

So, not sure what this change was about. I don't expect it to stay this way but I will say it is nice. I know I have to not expect her to keep being like this but I can say it would sure make things easier if we could interact like this all the time!

[fthnluv]

Catching up on your thread this afternoon. Wow! After all you are going through I am truly amazed at how much you still give to others, be it us here on the forum or your D or even your W. You are an amazing person and your W is a fool for leaving you.

I love the R you have with your D. She is lucky to have you as the stability in her life. Sometimes it is hard to count your blessings in this situation (I know!) but you have clearly done something right with the way are raising her.

I hope you are having a great day today and the change you saw in your W yesterday is continued for a bit or maybe is a glimpse of what your future R with her could look like.

[Matt165]

Thanks fth,
Sooner or later things will have to get easier then they are now. I fight every day to NOT allow the sitch my W has put everyone in change ME or who I want to be. It would be so easy to just allow my anger to consume me. To become vindictive. Believe me, in the beginning I thought about doing things that I would regret now for sure! I try to remember that I loved this person for most of my adult life and made a promise to until death. I didn't promise only if she "loved me back".

Right now I just don't have the money to really GAL as much as I would like. I'm trying to fix this and while it would be easy to blame my W or my sitch it really is up to me to make my life work the way I want it to. I still get angry at times. I still have times that I just can't understand how my W has become the way she is but I can't control anything but myself. I hope that my W is going to start acting the way she did yesterday more often. I do know that whether she does or not, I can always choose to act the way I think is best, no matter how she or anyone else around me does!

[Matt165]

Hello everyone!
I had a very hard day yesterday that is testing me to the max. I'm trying so hard to just make it. I am so close to making some money that I need desperately and things just aren't falling into place. I have sent out several resumes and haven't had one response. In the past I haven't had any problem finding a new job when I needed one. This time, whether it's because I need to find one that allows me to still take my D14 to school in the morning so I'm restricted to a certain area or something else, I'm just not getting even a call or email. I have several clients that are close to buying and all I really need is one or two to "pull the trigger" and I would be fine but it's just not happening.

So, here I am just trying to stay afloat and I get a total blowout on the way home from work. Thankfully it happened after I picked up my D14 and a friend after school and dropped them at McDonald's. It would have been worse if they were in the car with me. The problem is, I can't afford a new tire right now. All I have is the little "spare" that they put in cars now (who's stupid idea was that anyway?). How sad is that? I can't afford to go to the Dr. and I need to for something I've been dealing with for a long time and even if I did, I can't afford the medicine I need either. The idiot that is supposed to handle the money in the startup I'm at has totally blown it and until some more money comes in we are operating on a "shoe string" and I can't even draw the small amount I need to just be able to get a new tire! This is one of the worst parts of this. I have drawn almost no "extra" funds, less than any of the other exec's, but now that I need to, the funds just aren't there! My car payments are so late that I'm afraid that I may get repo'd even if I can get a new tire!

It's a long drive to work for me and making the trip on a small spare just won't work. I have always wanted to move closer to my work but since I wasn't certain if this job would work out, I was waiting to see. Now, even if I get a new job, unless I move, it will need to be close to where my W lives now so I can take my D14 to school on the way in the morning and she moved 30 miles away because it's where all her friends from work live.

I am so stressed out it's unbelievable. I may be able to borrow money from a colleague at work but I hate doing that and it's just one tiny part. Soon my electric bill and water, etc. will need to be paid and while I'm so close to making a few sales, it has to happen soon or I'm done for. I just don't understand why I'm suddenly unable to find a new job. In my business it's not unusual to not make money for stretches but this one just went too long. Of course I thought that if things got too bad I could get some funds from the business but now I can't even do that. So, this morning is going to be me driving down the freeway at 45 mph and going to get a new tire (I hope) and not trying to bring in the funds from the clients that I need to and still not making headway.

This has got to change and soon. Please send some good vibes my way that I make a sale or two in the next couple days folks. In the meantime I'm going to just have to deal with the stress as well as I can.

[TSquared2]

Hi Matt,

I'm sorry about all the shizz happening at the moment. I get the stress and frustration, and...fear.

What are you doing for you? To counter-act the stress?

I worry about you...

During the worst of my sitch my Dr. basically told me that exercise was no longer an option, but a requirement, otherwise I was at high risk of blowing a gasket, that I had to make time for myself, take care of me, so I could take care of the kids.

If I had a stroke or something, how would I be able to take care of the kids properly? Leave them in her care?

As the rational adult, dude, YOU owe it to YOU and your D's, to take care of you...And you don't need money to do it, brisk walks, sprints/HIIT, do you have a bike?

Let me know what you are doing to take care of you...

[Matt165]

Hey T2,
I was exercising almost every day for the first year of my sitch but my gym membership is up and I can't use that anymore. I still do try to get some exercise but definitely need to do more. I had been doing a workout on the X-Box and I really need to start doing that more regularly. I've started to try meditating recently and that does have a calming effect when I can't get to sleep. It can be kinda hard to motivate myself at times especially when I'm home with just me and the dog!

I was able to get a used tire from my MIL which really helped! I told her what happened and she said she had this extra tire and I was welcome to use it. Turned out just by chance to be the right size! Amazing as she drives a Toyota and I a Mazda but thankfully it only cost $20 to put it on my rim! So, a little good news. Haven't had any sales yet today but I'm working on it and really hope to have something in soon. This has just been a very stressful time and I really need to find something that pays a steady wage and soon. Too bad as this startup could have been really profitable if only things had worked just a little better.

I'm so glad to still have a good relationship with my MIL. She is so upset with what her D is doing and how she just left her M because she wasn't "happy". It really hurts her as I am close to my W's mom's side of the family and also because since her MLC, my W has totally abandoned her mom's side of the family for her dad and his wife. My MIL used to know everything that was going on with D's and now, since my W spends all her "free" time with her dad, my MIL just doesn't know what going on. My W doesn't even call her anymore!

Thanks for checking in with me T2. All I can do is keep trying and moving forward and hope I can get some money in and a new job ASAP!!

[fthnluv]

Read your post earlier and wanted to let you know I am praying for you and that your day gets better. Praying that you are able to have some success on the work & money front soon. Glad to hear that your MIL was able to help you with your tire. Yay for little miracles!