Needless to say she became a WAW again and started with OM #2. We are now divorced. I paved too smooth a path for her.
Ditto, here. She even tried a few years later, but fortunately by then I had found my "N.U.T.S." and it was "No More Mr. Nice Guy."
The bright side is that I'm currently in a long term relationship where we both ask for what we want, are completely open and honest with each other, and work through our problems like rational caring adults.
DB is for life. No matter what happens.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
But, the notion that M require work is a novel concept for my W. She still believes in the fairy tale idea that it all should work magically and spouses should read each others minds.
This alone would be a dealbreaker for me. I could not be married to someone like this, especially after such a huge "Strike 1." But maybe that's just me.
How can you POSSIBLY do the hard work that's going to be necessary (mine took over three YEARS, and is STILL a work in progress 7.5 years later!) to repair the damage if your wife doesn't even realize that marriage should TAKE hard work?
You will never be able to complete with the fairy-tale romantic/illicit squishiness of not only OM1, but potentially a future OM2, or OM3, Shodan. What you DO have is what we ALL have, and that's our shared family history with our spouse and the deeper-level love and bond that come with time in a good marriage. If she's not even aware that such a different kind of almost-"agape" love exists, much less WORK at it, she will spend her life pursuing purely "eros" love (in all the wrong places!), while she still has her youth and good looks.
"If she's not even aware that such a different kind of almost-"agape" love exists, much less WORK at it, she will spend her life pursuing "eros" love (in all the wrong places!), while she still has her youth and good looks."
Good reminder that we should be striving for agape in our marriages while maintaining philia and eros as well. Another vision of the trinity at work in marriage.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I totally agree. Fixing our M will take a TON of work. She is starting to realize that it takes work (based on what she has said to me). Until very recently, however, she did assume that a M was like a fairy tale. in fact, we discussed how we both can go out and find that "eros" love, but at what cost? We break up our family. I know my W does NOT want to do this.
I am pushing hard for closure. If she cannot commit make a decision, I am going to make it for her.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
So much of this I needed to read .. granted my sitch is a bit different .. MLC and all .. but still even if she comes out I know I am forced to look at my M this way. I am not so sure if she ever comes out that she would be willing to do this .. and I am one who needcs to read NMMNG about 4 more times. Amazing how someone elses post can just sit you up out of your chair and have that eureka moment. .... so much I bookmarked this
Just to be clear, theoden and Starsky's approaches are in regard to the situation AFTER the cheating WAW has shown a willingness to work on their marriage again, correct?
If the WAW is still very much engaged in the A with the OM, and has made no indication to reconcile, then I would think "standing ground" would simply drive her away faster (according to DB principles), no?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
