Shodan, she's in a fog and it wouldn't matter if you gave her a power point presentation on it she does not have the ability to hear or see it right now.
The same struggle I have in my marriage. If only I could get my wife to see and hear the things she herself said just 8 months ago and the pain / life disruption this separation is causing on her family.
Stay the course. Follow the rules/guidelines/suggestions as layed out, you're in your own fog too, remember.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Like a lot of people on this forum, I wish she would read a book or two about people having affairs, their feelings and how to get past them. Of course, I know I cannot send these to her and I know she will not read them anyway.
Yes!!!! Surely if they would read a story or two about affairs and affair fog they would make an attempt to make rational decisions rather than ones based on emotions or feelings. I am very tempted to send my wife a link to the "There's no peace for prodigals" article. I believe it describes what she's going through to a "T." Of course, I know she won't read it if it comes from me...
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Where I struggle is on the "time" issue. I know that I should be patient. Based on my wife's actions and words, I know she is struggling with her decision on what to do. I know that is why she wants time. My moving towards divorce is putting pressure on her, which may or may not be a good thing. But how can she make a clear choice if the OM is in the picture?
She can't. Which is why any good IC worth their salt would advise her to separate herself from BOTH of you while she decides. Or, work at it with you and go NC with OM. But trying to have you both at the same time, even if it's a "we need to cool it for awhile" arrangement with OM, is NOT going to allow her to make any kind of a good decision here.
Shodan, she's in a fog and it wouldn't matter if you gave her a power point presentation on it she does not have the ability to hear or see it right now.
I will continue down this path of divorce. As I stated, my one fear is that this puts too much pressure on her and she makes the wrong decision (to stay in the A) based on that pressure.
This morning, my D10 mentioned that she is looking forward to Christmas (she is a planner like me). I asked why and she said "well, besides the presents of course, I love being with my family." Well, that broke my heart. I know this breaks my W's heart as well (she was not home to hear it). I know she does not want to end our M and break up our family. I don't either but I cannot stay in a M where my W has the OM in the relationship.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I know my W has enjoyed the changes that she has seen. I can tell in her face, her reactions, her action, etc. She is spending WAY more time at home. She loves her kids. She loves when we do stuff as a family. She is a great mom. I know she wants our life together as a family.
the issue is her addiction and the love that she has for the OM (remember this is her ex college boyfriend not just a four month fling). Not to sound like a total wuss, but I can see why it is hard to break it off...If four months ago before this went down, if someone told me to never talk to my W ever again, I would tell them that they were crazy and that I would never do that. I love her, so how could I possible not see or speak with her ever again.
She is an addict. She needs help.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thanks 25...I would choose #1 without a doubt. I want a M with my W. I want to keep my family together. In an ideal world, she ends the A and we work together on the M. I work on the things that I need to do better (show her more attention, make her feel attractive, be less/not controlling, reduce stress in our lives, be more fun in general, etc.) and she works on earning back my trust (e.g., provide full transparency, NC with the OM, etc.).
But since she continues to stay in this A and DENY it (despite obvious evidence), I have no other choice but to pursue a D. I refuse to share my W with a third party.
I know it will take time to repair our M. But that times starts after she ends the A.
What did your DB coach about your approach? (Did he/she actually SAY anything abut it?)}
What do you feel has helped/AND OR Hurt your sitch the most?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The addiction is powerful and Your not a wuss either. This is a really tough situation your going through. My w has supposedly had nc with her ap for 5 months and she is still pining for him. Your wife, like mine, has made a series of choices that are consistent with leaving the M. When my w told me that "she is not sure what she wants" I pointed out that her actions say that she wants her ap, not her M. If your w can have BOTH then why would she choose to give one up on her own? You have shown your w the best man you can be. You say that she enjoys talking with you and doing things with you. Your not moving forward with D to put pressure on her. Your doing it because you have a sensible boundary of not sharing her and she is not respecting it. You are doing the right thing imho. And if she still chooses to leave then all you have done is save yourself time and pain.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
