Need help

[lostluv]

a couple side notes..... mayb eme just thinking too much?

one of the recent issues was me "snooping" and confronting her about lying to me when I found things in the history of her computer, ipad, etc. the biggest trust issue she has with me right now is that i'm "watching over her and everything she does"... honestly, i was! we would have a good day and then I would see that she was looking for places to rent online.....and it was driving me crazy!
it's been so much easier for me to get through the day recently because I'm not worrying about what she is doing on the internet, who she is texting, etc. this week she actually started using her laptop again. I won't lie, the thought has crossed my mind to check the history but then i tell myself that I need to TRUST her and rebuild her trust in me.

I know it sounds stupid, but I noticed on her night stand there was a book of matches from our wedding with our names and date. I haven't seen one of those in a few years and all of a sudden there is one on her night stand??? found that to be very odd.....

oh well, keep working on ME and let her have HER space and time.

[lostluv]

I'm having a hard day today lots of "what if" thoughts going through my mind. Worried about how our counseling session will go next Thursday. We haven't talked about any relationship things since last session. I won't initiate it....but is driving me nuts . I feel we are "stable" .......couple weeks ago the wife wanted to separate. .... I've given her space and only cried once last weekend. She definitely seems less social w me the past several days. Typically conversation (as short as it is) is initiated by me. The silence doesn't feel right. I try to be positive but most stories I read (successful or not) start like mine but get so much worse. Ours has been going on since june 1 (4 months). I did EVERY THING wrong in the beginning. ...I feel I have made progress on me, but feel it's not good enough sometimes because I still feel depressed more than happy.

[Card29]

Trust me, it takes time to flatten out the emotional roller coaster. I'm actually on a down swing lately, myself. But I promise, keep DBing, and the highs will become more and more frequent.

Have you tried not initiating conversation for at least a week? Don't be cold. Just be happy, upbeat, positive (as hard as that is to project right now). Also, how much time do you spend out of the house? Sorry, I haven't read your entire story. If you're not, you should definitely be pursuing some out-of-the-house GAL activities. Maybe even be a little mysterious about it, as long as it doesn't piss off your W.

I haven't read DB, only DR, but from what I've heard, DR has everything DB plus some other essentials that MWD developed after publishing DB. Also, it has some very positive testimonies in it from people who made it back from the brink using DB techniques. So seriously, buy it tonight and start reading it as soon as it arrives.

Lastly, I don't know if it's been mentioned to you, but is there a reason you don't have a signature with key info/dates?

[Card29]

are there any specific SUCCESSFUL threads that I can read? I'd like to read some positive stuff. seems most threads are all the same....would thing that there are people that actually have success and write about it? hope they do not just succeed at reconciliation and then leave the board leaving us hanging.....

Don't be too disheartened by the lack of success threads. Think of DB.com like an ER for M's. Most people here are either medical professionals (vets) or trauma victims (LBS's, etc.). I would say most people who end up reconciling spend almost no time on DB.com once things really turn around, just like most people who are healed in the ER don't keep hanging out there indefinitely. They might have some follow-ups with a doctor, but for the most part they are enjoying a 2nd lease on life.

Find solace in the fact that you are doing the absolute best thing for your M crisis by following DB principles. Yeah, the odds for an M are bad when they get to our point, but most people who get to this point don't do these things (180, detach, GAL). Most just do what comes naturally (beg/plead, angry outbursts, or they just drop the rope right away because they wanted out anyway). So yeah, the reality is your sitch [censored] and your W doesn't want to be married to you anymore, and that hurts more than anything has hurt before. BUT you are following the absolute best plan for your sitch, so stick to it and follow it relentlessly. Whether or not your W ever snaps out of her fog is irrelevant to YOUR path. If she is a part of your path, that will be her decision. But just as you don't control her, SHE doesn't control YOU. So take control of yourself and your life.

[lostluv]

thanks for the posts. I ordered Divorce remedy and should be here by monday.
I understand it takes time and the rollercoaster is ongoing....it really stinks!
the GAL and detach part is VERY hard for me!!! one of her original complaints was "you're not there for me" and "you don't help out enough"
I did EVERYTHING wrong the first month or so....EVERYTHING!!!

I'm really struggling with the detach - she said at the last counseling session "i don't know what I want" and suggested a separation "to see if I even miss anything (relationship)" because she feels all she is doing is hurting me and she would just be better off alone - originally was planning a 2 week....which is nothing.

However, I really need to look at the positive because after the first few sessions she said she was pretty much ready to be done. That's when i REALLY started the DBing and backing off.

as for the GAL, i've went to hang out with my friend a few times at his house, I even went to a movie alone. I did go out to a bar where my nephew was working and had a few drinks .
I started back taking martial arts (haven't been committed to that in 20 yrs)and have set my 1st goal to obtain my brown belt which I was ready to test for 20 yrs ago...but didn't.....I just need to refresh so should be a couple months or so before testing.
I work out at least 5 days a week - I have a full gym in my basement. I have thought about going to a gym but i'm pressed for time as it is working 3rd shift.
last weekend I did NOT sleep in our bed with my wife, even though there is NO chance for sex i am trying to give her space - during week isn't an issue because i'm not home when my wife sleeps.

like i said, i'm struggling with the detachment and having issues finding GOOD 180's. I'm just trying to do things around the house as if I was just living there alone and keeping things up.

we bought the house little over a year ago. i busted my butt HARD to completely gut the kitchen and remodel it with plans of doing the two bathrooms next. I did start the small bathroom and the wife actually painted it. then she primed the livingroom as we had been planning for months. I did help her a little.

here is how my negativity hurts me....I wonder if she is helping with remodeling because she is planning on staying OR is she just trying to make the house more presentable so we can sell it quicker when the time comes? why can't I just be happy that we are getting some of the work done.

really struggling

[lostluv]

another thought with a question.....
(yeah, I've been thinking tonight...imagine that)

it seems that since I have been working on the GAL and not initiating conversation much, my wife has been keeping to herself more. example: I used to ask how her day went and she would say "ok" but either shortly after I would inquire about something else at her work day and she would tell me about several things that happened throughout her day at work. over the past day or so I have been trying a 180 of not initiating much conversation. Now, i'll ask how her day was and she will say "ok" or "it was work". she doesn't really say anything else about her day. she doesn't initiate much at all! it's almost like she is doing a 180 on ME. I think i'm going to try initiating talk about her day and see if it makes a difference. I feel like she thinks I'm just being cold or avoiding her. Should I ask her if there is a reason she isn't talking much or should I just try starting conversations?

should I inquire if she has made plans for friday night? if not I was thinking of making my own plans or ask her is she would like to play a board/card game or something. we haven't done that in a couple months....
I kinda miss just staying home and relaxing on friday night because I work 3rd shift and that is like my saturday.

please advise....

[lostluv]

I'm still thinking....wish I could stop.....

wondering if it is bad that I want to keep my stand as far as a separation. I feel that if SHE is the one that wants out, SHE should be the one to move out if she truly wants a separation.

I'm sure the separation talk will arise in our next MC meeting as even the counselor seemed to be pushing for ti to give her what she wants to see if it makes up her mind.

I'm thinking that maybe we should NOT do MC until the wife has actually decided that she WANTS to save the marriage .

I hate thinking too much.....

[Shakspr]

Just checking in on your sitch. I see some progress and some backslides, but give yourself some credit. You're doing ' ok! It doesn't look like a date night, even for Scrabble, is a good idea at this juncture. Make your own plans and just do them. If she invites herself along, great. Maybe leave that option open.

Is OM still in the picture?

[lostluv]

Well, she works with him every day. She never admitted to anything and absolutely denied any kind of affair. Only said he told her she had a nice butt and she enjoyed the attention. I busted her lying about communicating through Facebook and when I was snooping (tagged her phone so I could read messages) she made her "girls night" plans end up where he was out for drinks for his bday. She did tell me he was there but denied she planned it.....but I watched the messages. I have stopped spying and checking up and try not to even think about it because the thought of it makes rage and want to do stupid things.
I'm sure she talks to him at work because she has to. She hasn't went out since . She only does aerobics on Wednesday evenings. Not much else. He is married and she would say "we. Don't talk much. As far as I know, he is happily married"

One of my 180 s is to not worry about OM because there is nothing I can do to keep her from communicating with him at work and if I think about him I back peddle and get severe anxiety.

I feel she was starting an EA and hope it never got physical. ...but I truly believe That she cannot be having a physical affair now unless it's during work hours. And I don't believe that could happen at her work place

[lostluv]

typically, it would be hard for her to join me as we usually struggle to find a babysitter a month ago the MC assigned us to do a date night and we had to cancel because we had no babysitter. We did watch a movie at home, but not even close to being a "date".

we still sit in the same room and watch tv in the evening before I go to work and she goes to bed. so it's not like we can't stand to be in the same room. just a bit uncomfortable silence for me