In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[Starsky309]

I wish she could have been there. It is a VERY sobering experience, and I believe in my own sitch it was one piece of the larger puzzle that caused the fetching Mrs. Starsky and me to step away from the abyss and put our marriage back together. Sitting there with the mediator, divvying up the holidays and stuff . . . uggggh!!!

[25yearsmlc]

I know. I assumed folks on the forum would object to it.

My pursuit of the D definitely has thrown her off. She has called me at work twice this week (never did that during the past few months) and is being SUPER nice to me, really trying to connect with me. She asked again if I was going to a special yoga class on Friday night (I said I had plans already) and she asked again whether or not she should come with me this weekend to visit my parents (my mom had a severe stroke back in May).

Is your concern that I will be hurt in the end when we get divorced and I have not detached fully from her OR that this approach will not show her that she is losing me? or both?

I have a request. I would like you to quote your DB coach's advice as accurately as possible, verbatim if you can.

Not doubting you, but really wanting clarity on this. Can you do that?
I have great faith in the DB coaches and have only had very positive experiences, with great results.

I'm somewhat confused now. So, if you could let us know just what YOU SAID to your coach and as exactly as possible, quote the coach, it might help us all understand better. Along with the comments, please tell us how You interpreted the comments, and what your DB goal is, at present.

Thanks

[Starsky309]

Tough call. I'd probably reply "It's a little late for talking, don't you think? I just want to move Besides, I was planning on using the quiet time riding up to your mom's to sort some things out myself."

But that's just me.


Starsky

[shodan]

25yrs...I mentioned to my coach that i am pursuing the D via mediation. I recounted for her the calls that we had (all of which I mentioned here as well). I also read the text message to my DB coach and recounted the spew my W had mentioned on Monday night (when she figured out that I broke into her phone). I then mentioned that we did not sleep well Monday night and that mid way through the night my wife rolled over and fell sleep on me (which is how she used to always sleep with me). When she woke up, she said that was the deepest sleep she has had in a long time and that sleeping on me is the only way she can ever fall asleep. I said something like "yeah, which makes it pretty ironic that we are moving towards a divorce. I am the same way..I sleep best when I am with you."

I also recounted that I have been very positive around her and showing PMA. I will tell her when she looks nice for work and say it with a smile. I still bring her coffee every morning for example.

Finally, one thing my W said to me Tuesday morning was that our vacation were always great. She just hated the day to day and coming home from work. So I told her that perhaps we need to reevaluate our day to day and make it more like a vacation. Don't be so scheduled, don't prioritize work, etc. We already had made some big changes to make life easier and better (I quit martial arts, which took a lot of my time during the week; we have our nanny working longer hours to make it easier for us; our kids are doing less activities after school).

So after all of that, my DB coach said that my W is pulling back (to some extent) from the OM but not enough to admit to the A and edit it. She said this could be an opportunity to show my W a little of what life could be like while also pursuing the D. She said that if I go dark, my W may see this as more of the same behavior that led to our situation (I was not available for her, I did not prioritize her, I did not act like I wanted to spend time with her, etc.). But she also recognized that this would hurt my ability to detach.

I hope that helps. I really appreciate any and all feedback and input.

[shodan]

I just texted back "I was planning to use the time along to sort things out myself."

She texted back "ok".

I know her convo will be more of the same...i was so unhappy, but this is a big decision, you seem to be taking D lightly; we always do things on your agenda, so this is more of you being controlling, etc.

None of that will help our situation.

I am not taking the D lightly and this breaks my heart. I just cannot share my W with a third party. That is non negotiable. Even if she actually ended it, how would I know? How could I trust her again? She acts all loving and caring now...but I do not trust her or her actions.

[25yearsmlc]

I just texted back "I was planning to use the time along to sort things out myself."

She texted back "ok".

I know her convo will be more of the same...i was so unhappy, but this is a big decision, you seem to be taking D lightly; we always do things on your agenda, so this is more of you being controlling, etc.

None of that will help our situation.

I am not taking the D lightly and this breaks my heart. I just cannot share my W with a third party. That is non negotiable.

THIS^^^ is clear, to the point, firm but showing pain while also being strong. It's also not obnoxious. I THINK this would move me if I were in your w's shoes, though in some ways I can only empathize to a point.


Even if she actually ended it, how would I know? How could I trust her again?

THIS^^^greatly Troubles me. IF you won't ever trust her again, no matter what, why should she bother trying to stay married? "Why climb Mt Everest if you're not going to enjoy the view?"

Of course I don't mean you "Should" trust her "NOW"... But if you cannot ever even imagine doing that, and you KNOW this with certainty, then you may as well divorce and move on now...

Ideally, if you could be granted your "marital wish" starting today,

Would You prefer to...

1) Reconcile with your wife, & create a wonderful, intimate NEW marriage:

OR

2) Split up, go your own way, and find a MRS WONDERFUL, all for you....??

Try to give this question a lot of honest thought & reflection b/c I sense a disconnect between the goals you once had here, and what you may be want, from now on...or as they say in the vows, "From this day forward".

Think you could you ever move "from this day forward" and let go of the past?

BTW, I think those words in our vows, are genius.

We all have to let go of our pasts, regardless of what they contain. Too much baggage helps NO marriage...



She acts all loving and caring now...but I do not trust her or her actions.

She, and You, need actions to match the words AND then add TIME to the recipe.

OR...not. Your choice. Try to see that as empowering...and carry on; we are all rooting for you.

[shodan]

Thanks 25...I would choose #1 without a doubt. I want a M with my W. I want to keep my family together. In an ideal world, she ends the A and we work together on the M. I work on the things that I need to do better (show her more attention, make her feel attractive, be less/not controlling, reduce stress in our lives, be more fun in general, etc.) and she works on earning back my trust (e.g., provide full transparency, NC with the OM, etc.).

But since she continues to stay in this A and DENY it (despite obvious evidence), I have no other choice but to pursue a D. I refuse to share my W with a third party.

I know it will take time to repair our M. But that times starts after she ends the A.

[shodan]

One thing I forgot to mention...when I spoke with my W earlier this week, she said something about people just staying in unhappy marriages. She said "do all of these people just stay in marriages for their kids?" I said some might but others work at their marriages.

I mention this b/c it is another sign that my W is reconsidering her initial stance that she wanted a D but also that she does not see "happiness/marital bliss" with me. Clearly, she has very strong feelings for the OM. And right now she may see no good solution. Either stop the one thing that makes her feel good or lose her family/marriage (but a marriage for which she has no feelings).

Like an addict, she has to hit rock bottom to stop. Perhaps this will be when we go through the D process, or after. Or maybe she never hits rock bottom.

[shodan]

Where I struggle is on the "time" issue. I know that I should be patient. Based on my wife's actions and words, I know she is struggling with her decision on what to do. I know that is why she wants time. My moving towards divorce is putting pressure on her, which may or may not be a good thing. But how can she make a clear choice if the OM is in the picture?

Like a lot of people on this forum, I wish she would read a book or two about people having affairs, their feelings and how to get past them. Of course, I know I cannot send these to her and I know she will not read them anyway.

[Ahoy]

If you're not sure if you want to be trapped in a car discussing this for that long, perhaps "Let me think about it" is the best option.

Do you really think she's going to make a major proclamation in a car on the way to her mom's place?

But if you think you can have her along and that it might be beneficial and you can keep a PMA then why not?