Not much progress

[Card29]

I think at least one IC session is a great idea. The sooner the better.

You also need to develop a plan in case something like that happens again. What if you catch her with OM again in a week? You would probably be even more angry. Maybe some vets can give some ideas for a plan in that sitch, but I think you should be prepared to LEAVE immediately if you saw her with OM, OM2 or whomever. You should obviously continue to pursue detachment until she is fully committed to reconciliation, but no matter how detached you get, you are at risk for an outburst if you saw her with OM. I am by no means an expert, so I would defer to the vets or especially an IC for strategies to prepare and handle that.

Also, could you go into further detail why you can't go dark, especially if she restarts with OM, or starts with OM2? After this episode, I don't think trying to live under the same roof should be considered for a second longer if she started another A. There are solutions to any reasons that hold you back from that, and none of them have to involve filing for D if you're not ready to drop the rope.

dawgy, you've made a huge step to acknowledge that you're wrong. Have you reconsidered an apology? An apology doesn't have to validate their horrible, selfish A. It also doesn't have to apologize from blowing up the disgusting A. If nothing else, I would apologize for exposing your S to that.

And don't get too discouraged. As long as it doesn't become a sustained behavior, the damage can be limited.

[PeterV2]

She has told me she regrets ever starting the affair and that she never dreamed it would get so out of control

That's ^^^ a good thing. It means she has feelings of regret. I means she's not just carrying on with the A and using every strategy to justify it. But don't harp on this with her. You have to let her go through the feelings of loss of the relationship with the OM. She will grieve that loss. She may even bring it up in conversation with you. Just listen to her and acknowledge that it must be hard to go through those feelings. Whatever you do don't lash out at her when she talks about him. If you can't take it then just give her the time out T signal with your hands. If she doesn't get it it's ok to give the signal again and get up & leave the room & go for a walk.

Regardless of what happens in the next few days, focus on remaining detached. Don't let her draw you in to any arguments or heated discussions. When tempted to rebut any comments from her do the 180 and validate and detach.
I used to argue with W every time she brought up my ex and how she thought I was catering to her, but then I learned to do the 180 and told her it must have been hard to feel that way and left it at that. Certainly defused any heated clash paving the way for baby steps in the right direction.

[PeterV2]

i feel used , disrespected , tortured , abused in so many ways i cant count

Don't we all. That's the nature of the beast. However if we act on those feelings it'll just drive a wedge into the M. That's where the 180 works. Not acting on those feelings seems so counterintuitive. Like we're being a doormat. But believe me, keeping detached from the sitch and focusing on other areas of your life that are not in turmoil is the only way to get through this. You can do it Dawgy. It takes kahunas and many don't have the stomach for it, but working the program is your only chance.

10 months is a drop in the bucket. It may take 2-5 years to get back to where you want to be. Definitely not for the faint of heart. But the potential reward is a marriage better and with more depth and passion than you ever had before. Like we say, it is indeed a marathon. Patience, discipline and focus will get you through it. We're all going or have gone through many of the same emotions and challenges. I know it s*cks. Keep up the PMA.

[MrBond]

How about IC for your son?

[MrBond]

And an apology for Maybell.

[Wonka]

Hiya, Dawgy.

I am not going to heap more shaming on the pile here.

Instead what I hope to do here is to get you to turn the focus within and examine the root cause of your reaction upon seeing OM with your W at the parking lot.

Globally speaking, people who get violent (whether in words or actions) toward the other person, it mostly is based on the two reasons:

-Their needs are not getting met
-Fear of losing something

In your case, you probably fear losing your wife. Right?

In your situation, you are in pain because your needs are not being met as husband. Right?

Seeing the OM in the parking lot was a spiritual lesson presented to you in how you would have conducted yourself in response to pain. How you handled it was a spectacular failure. No two ways about it.

You are in pain because your wife is not meeting your needs as the marital home and has turned her attentions away from you.

You feel the loss of control because W chose to be with the OM instead of you. That angers you because the sense of betrayal is very deep and wounding. The anger feeds your negative thoughts about the OM. Then you assign "judgments" against the OM with negative labels.

What do we get here? A potent mix that bubbles up to the surface.

In short summary: You've given away YOUR POWER to the OM.

You did not win nor did the OM. The OM won because he got inside your head space and took away your own power. You are SO SO MUCH better than the OM....really.

You gave your own power away by engaging in lower level emotions which are anger and rage. Then you have the brass to declare to all sundry here that you "just couldn't help it...or couldn't control it."

BULL!

Seeing the OM at the parking lot was not the real root of the outburst.

It was your inner pain in response to the event (seeing OM together with W) that is the root of your reaction. Raw pain. Raw wound. You did not like feeling your own pain at all. You wanted it all to go away NOW...right there.

Instead you transferred your pain to the OM by beating him up. That is not animalistic instinct as you claim here, Dawgy. You CHOSE not to exercise the self-control to step back or drive away from the parking lot. THIS IS ON YOU. ALONE.

What puts humans a notch above animals are the ability to use:

-Reasoning
-Logic

Let's go back to what I said earlier:

You gave your own power away by engaging in lower level emotions which are anger and rage. Then you have the brass to declare to all sundry here that you "just couldn't help it...or couldn't control it."

Please note that I did not say "feel" those emotions up there. We all have felt those emotions at one time or another (or 100x). Ohhh boy...I did entertain a dozen fantasies about landing a right hook on Ms. Wonka's OW!

This isn't a male or female thing. Or the UFC arena. What were you really 'defending' here, Dawgy?

In reality, nothing really.

You were feeling the loss of control over this situation--your W choosing not to be with you. All of this was the mistaken belief that honor was a play here and that you had to "defend" whatever perceived 'honor' there was. It is all on you on how to assign "judgments" to others--even your own wife too.

It was just your pride. It's as simple as that.

Some general questions for you to consider....

-What kind of man do you want to be to your W?

-What kind of father do you want to be to your children?

-What lessons are you passing on here?

For a minute...you might want to sacrifice your "position" for a bit while and take a look it at from W's perspective through her lens. Then you'll find a deeper understanding, awareness, or enlightenment.

[PeterV2]

Very sober analysis, Wonka. Dawgy, you'd do well to follow Wonka's lead here.

[dawgy]

Well today guys and gals I'd like to thank you for the input .Mr Bond I will defintely take son to IC after he finds out what a disappointment his mother turned out to be . When he finds out she s been running around like a tramp cheating on his father and spending time and money on the man who is helping her tear apart our family . And as for an apology to Maybell . Not a chance . i have nothing to apologize to her for . She labelled me with a complete one sided view making me out to be the bad person totally exempting the W of any responsibility . Remember how this got started??? She has been cheating on her family in case any of you forgot that point .
Anyway Im the one whos heart is hardening . As a matter of fact the way i feel today she can go pound sand up her A$$ and I am currently looking for ways to come out on top . Yes thats right I am now talking the big D . Im so tired of being disrespected and hurt and being treated like a piece of garbage i want her out . Im moving on with a new life for me and my sons without her . Ive finally seen that I cant forgive her for the constant pain shes inflicted on me for 8 months . I truly was hoping I could last longer and make it through , but anger has shown up to replace loss and bewilderment . The anger is very heavy and the D process is going to be very nasty from what i can tell . I just so heartbroken for me and my sons . More so for my boys . They never deserved any of this . Shame on her for harming her own flesh and blood . But she was given a fair amount of time to make things right and was tooo dam selfish and only concerned with her so called happiness . Well we will see how happy she will be out of her home , paying child support to two young men that wont be able to look her in the eye . Dam ... What a tradgedy Dawgy

[Card29]

If BigD is what you want, it is definitely warranted. Can't blame you. But that I would put "reconciling your anger" near or at the top of your to-do list. If you hold on to that, it will burn a hole in the remainder of your life and your sons'. My MIL went through it 20 years ago, never let go of the anger, and she is a shell of what she was. It also messed up my W, and I think partially has a hand in how quick she was to give up on our M.

I'm not saying you're wrong to be mad, just that you should not cling to that righteous anger. It will tear you apart. "Do not set yourself on fire to get smoke in another's eyes."

[wmwb123]

I would also advise not to make any decisions while you are angry. Wait a few days until you're not feeling so emotional.