Mindsin - pt. 4 (the countdown begins)

[25yearsmlc]

Agreed. And it's vital advice. But the implication was that he was neglecting his kids. The purpose of this forum is a safe space to vent about fixations (yes many of them unhealthy) we have with our WAS so that those emotions don't bleed over into our interactions with our families.

I believe I said I had not been "fully present for MY kids" when I was preoccupied by my h's doings. And I was simply TOO preoccupied.
I don't think this is a forum for venting, or at least it's not the primary purpose.

The primary purpose is to help apply the DB principles to our individual situations and to get support from others who have been down this road before or are on it with us, now.

Though I think Mindsink loves his kids, I also believe, strongly, that he spends far far too much time on his wife's actions/plans/feelings and what he thinks all of those are. If he were to use a coach, that's what I think they'd work on, i.e. himself. I myself did have a coach, and she was a Godsend. I had 15 sessions with her and it was magical for ME...

In MIndsink's posts, there's just way too much focus on HER, way too much mind reading and a whole ton of projecting about the future, without enough data...

and there is not enough focus on HIM. (I guess you could say that's a 180, but it's not the kind the book(s) or we were hoping for).
I stand by that statement though I'd love to be wrong about it.

[MrBond]

claire is correct. 1foot2, you are way off base.

"But the implication was that he was neglecting his kids."

And where did we say that? That is mindreading on your part and shows you aren't reading fully the message posted. When you start taking your mind off the WAS and onto something positive like the relationship with your kids, you become a better person which does show through to the WAS.

[claire7]

MrBond and 25years, you have taught me so well!

Feel free to offer some insight over at my thread any time! (Still plenty for me to work on!)

[mindsin]

Tough conversation

My W sat me down for a talk last night. She made it clear to me that she wants to file for divorce after the new year. She said this upcoming cruise will be the last family vacation we'd be going on. She burst into tears and reiterated again how she can't trust me, and that she was hoping that we could at least be friends, but even now she doesn't know.

This morning, she reached out to me via texts:

W: how are you feeling this morning, after our tough conversations from last night?
Me: I didn't think our conversations were all that tough.
W: really?
Me: yeah. Especially our 2nd conversation.
W: I am glad you feel that way. It was tough for me. overflow of emotions (in D3's room)
Me: I know.
Me: I know you're going through a lot of pain.
W: our 2nd one, I'd agree, it was actually really helpful in a calm and peaceful way
Me: It hurts me to see you cry.
W: Just for the record, no matter how challenged our relationship were, I never ever wanted to see you get hurt either. It took a lot out of me seeing you cry at times.
Me: I'm a very resilient person emotionally, believe it or not.
W: I may come across unemotional, but I do feel it in my heart of hearts. But I don't want to mislead compassion (for being together for so long) to something else for you.
Me: something else?
W: I don't want you to think if I am comforting you in any ways, that there is a chance we would get back together.
W: Which is why I've been very to the point, and not get involved in anything else.
Me: Leave that up to me to decide.
W: Well, that could be a problem, leaving you to decipher or read between the lines. You've never been the best at that.
Me: Nobody can predict the future. Did you think 6 months ago that we'd end up here?
W: I knew I wanted a change, but no, to your point, not exactly.
Do you understand that, when I say, regardless what happens with me and [OM], my decision to be happy, still stands?
Me: I understood that from the beginning.
Me: But like I said, nobody can predict the future.
W: I was thinking this morning on the drive in to work, that I actually (if you would allow), really like to read your journal. I think it helps me to understand you a little better. I think you were right to say last night, that in the past, when I thought i was doing the right thing for you, I wasn't.
Me: I will let you read it when the time is right.
W: Okay.
Me: Right now, it isn't the right time, and won't be for the forseeable future.
Me: I have no expectations. I only have hope.
W: Well, all kidding aside, you were always the more optimistic one
Me: Without hope, there is no point of living.
W: well, i have to go now. I need to fill out paperwork.

[mindsin]

One thing that stood out that my W said to me the other night was how my contacts with Ann were "the ultimate betrayal".

She said this is the one thing that has completely shut the door on any chance for us to reconcile.

I don't see it. Can one of you perhaps make me see her PoV on this? I'm really trying to understand it.

[MrBond]

"I don't see it. Can one of you perhaps make me see her PoV on this?"

I think you have a real disconnect with certain aspects of relationships. Same issue like when I asked to detail your activities with the kids. You refused to do it because you didn't understand why it was asked.

Your W is still hurting from your A's. All the sneaking around, talking to other women really dissolved her trust in you. When you first came on here, you got upset at us bringing up (what you felt) was the past. We stressed that it was very important, but rather than trying to understand, you kept arguing with us and said that you were "over it".

We told you that your W wasn't but you didn't listen. THIS is a result of that.

Then when you casually mentioned that you were confiding in another woman about your M problems. We told you to cut that off, but again, you refused to listen and argued back, using the excuse that you weren't interested in her so it doesn't matter.

When are you going to learn that it doesn't matter what YOU feel, but how your W does that matters?

That's what you're not getting.

[JCred]

One thing that stood out that my W said to me the other night was how my contacts with Ann were "the ultimate betrayal".

She said this is the one thing that has completely shut the door on any chance for us to reconcile.

I don't see it. Can one of you perhaps make me see her PoV on this? I'm really trying to understand it.

Please don't fall for this. I believe you are trying to make sense of nonsense. She has you right where she wants you.. No confidence and head spinning...

That way you won't mess up her affair by contacting Ann again.

You need to get working toward being more confident. A confident person wouldn't waste one second of time analyzing or believing that spin move that she pulled on you.. AND it seems to be working.....

[mindsin]

I understand what you are saying, Mr bond. I know it only matters what my W feels. I'm trying to understand WHY she feels betrayed by me speaking to I'M (other than trying to sabotage her A with OM).

[MrBond]

Didn't you read my post? I explained it all. THAT IS WHY. I explained in detail. What are you missing?

You talked to another woman behind her back and hid something from her like you did before. THAT'S WHY. I don't know how much clearer I can be. You claim to work with people at your job but can't seem to understand people in general.

[mindsin]

Meaning, the OMW? Is it really as simple as that, and has nothing to do with her feeling like I'm getting in the way of her A?