Thank you for posting that quote from labug. It's one of those gentle taps on the head that everyone needs to hear at some point in this process.
I can honestly say that part of this journey includes a mourning of the old comfort of our old marriage. In my situation it's a welcome experience but still uncomfortable. Our old marriage was BAD. The people we were because of that bad marriage were not good. Deep down though the people we want to be, separately and hopefully within a new marriage, are powerfully amazing.
The discomfort of putting to rest the old marriage inevitably forces me to look forward yet looking too far forward gets me in trouble and takes the focus away from the NOW (Yes, Tarheel, I've read The Power of NOW. It's so powerful that I could only read one or two pages at a time. I should re-read it. I love Tolle!!!).
I am an efficient task master by nature. Patience, gray areas and leaning into discomfort are huge challenges but I welcome them and I am grateful for the gift of time in order to process my incremental growth in my own way.
I like measuring progress. Often that means "how much further do I need to go?" which, in a journey like this one, doesn't help much because the reality is, it's never ending. It's a journey that has no destination; a true depiction of the adage "the journey is the destination". This is a welcome realization and quite a 180 for me.
This isn't so much about "getting him back" or "when will he come home" though that's often what I write about and complain about. My focus really is, "When will I get to share and practice all I'm learning?", "I can't wait to practice my 'turning towards' and all of that stuff.
I'm realizing only now that I do get to practice my empathy and acceptance skills by simply living in the NOW. Similar in concept to Cadet's "you're already dead" point but I choose to see it more as, "you're already alive" because often I find myself thinking my life won't begin until he comes back. It's just not true.
I am already living. I am already alive. I don't need (or I shouldn't need) him or anyone else to be in my life for me to live my life well. It's mine. Yes, I want to share it with H and have him share his with me but right now I am already alive.
I second your impatience- for me its not so much being anxious to have her back as it is to actually use the knowledge and skills I've developed, and to learn with her (or someone else). But I have also been looking for ways to practice my skills elsewhere- at work, in public, etc. Some of it requires a SO, though. I'm don't want to get too deep into identifying and fulfilling another woman's ENs
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
We can and should use all the skills we're learning in every R in our live's, especially with our children. Practicing what we've learned can change their lives in a very positive way.
Perhaps our greatest gift as a parent, breaking the cycle. Maybe that's why we're here.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I used skills I've recently learned just today with a friend. It was great. She texted saying "Did you hear about yesterday with D? Can we talk?" I immediately got worried. I'd heard nothing about anything regarding my D or hers. I started to sweat and prepare a defense. A defense of what I am not sure but I texted back, "sure, gimme 10 and I'll call you". I took this time to breathe, prepare myself for listening, to stop mind reading, to remember to validate and not instinctively defend pansies with an ooze.
Sure enough, I called her and it was NOT what I made up in my head it was about (again, failed mindreading, wonder when I'll stop that for good). I validated, listened and if I hadn't it could have been ugly and a whole lot less productive.
Wow, I'm so grateful I had that opportunity to practice! All this stuff works! It's not just psychobabble! I knew it!!!
On another note, you're reading a post written by Banana Republic's latest employee. yay. No really, I'm trying not to bash it. I'm seeing it as a way to get me out of the house and meet people. This job doesn't define my value, right?
Don't bash it. Look at it this way: You would not choose to have your H leave you, but the fact that he did has pushed you through doors that you didn't even know to look for, such as learning the skills to listen to your friend.
Now you have this job that you wouldn't have chosen. What doors will it open for you? Will you go through them with the same enthusiasm you've shown here?
The essence of feel the fear and do it anyway is to be curious about the unexpected blessings that come from embracing adversity. It's kind of cool to find yourself in uncharted territory. Isn't it a nice change from thinking you know what the next ten years are going to look like? Anything is possible from here.
(You know sometimes I'm pep-talking myself when I say these things... :D)
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
you're reading a post written by Banana Republic's latest employee. yay. No really, I'm trying not to bash it. I'm seeing it as a way to get me out of the house and meet people. This job doesn't define my value, right?
An honest day of work is an honest day of work.
The externals define our value only as much as we invite that to happen. You get to decide your worth.
I'm happy for you that putting the brakes on mind-reading was helpful. It works only...always. That's been my experience.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Let's see, you started with a dying, toxic marriage. From there, you have learned and acknowledged your role in its death, worked on yourself, have begun applying your new self-aware, non-mind-reading, validating personality. That's way better than the average LBS, I'd surmise.
So I'd say keep doing what you're doing: Take what life gives you, acknowledge any known realities of the sitch (good and bad, but no mind reading) and make the best of it.
Also, any BR discounts for your DB friends would be appreciated. I'm in the market for some new slim-fit pants. I'm getting ready to transition to the customer-side of our business, which means no more jeans 2-3 days a week
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Congrats on the new job Ss! Embrace it and make the best of it!
You have such great insights into yourself and your past relationship! I truly hope you get to use these new skills you are learning to make your M even better.
That's been my experience.