Cadet is working on a new thread with the links. However, it takes time to get things set up correctly. He does have his regular Welcome posting that has the links for newcomers at this time. Here is Cadet's Welcome Page info:
"This is now the most current version to this post if anyone has any comments, additions, subtractions, or edits, please post them on this thread.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon"
BTW, yes, many of the old threads and postings were removed during the purge, so I suggest that if you see something that you want to refer back to again and again, to please copy and paste it into a document or print it off. No one knows when the powers to be may opt to purge once again.
I am now convinced that MLC brings on memory loss. There are several things in need of repair around our home that H is famous for starting on, but not finishing. TONS! H is the worst with this. So I decided finally to hire a handyman to come out and do a few things. I mentioned this to H a couple of weeks ago, even told him to let me know if he thinks of anything for him to do. So, last night, I let H know the handyman will be here tomorrow morning. H says "Handyman!! For what? What are you going to have him do?". So I told H my list, just a few things, one of them being a window shade we have for a huge window in our foyer, that has been sitting there in the corner after being taken down to paint our walls 2 years ago. H says, "I can do that!". I said, "Well, it's been there for 2 years....." with a smile! We laughed, but he seemed to be.....I don't know..... frazzled? Hurt? That I was taking care of this without him. I also let him know the cabinet guy was coming out next week to refinish our kitchen cabinets, another project that has been on the back burner for YEARS! Got the same reaction from H.
So handyman comes this morning and there was 1 issue with a light switch that I figured I better run by H, since he seemed to feel so out of the loop last night. So I text H with my question, he answers that he can fix this himself today. Really? All of a sudden he has the time? Isn't he working all day? WTH? I just told him, let's let the handyman handle it since he is already there, that I know H is busy and to not worry about it. With another happy face.
Did I handle that ok? H seems so uninterested with anything to do with home, so I am handling it myself, and now he is feeling hurt? Almost makes me feel guilty. Almost.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Second that on the MLC and the memory loss .. my W has admitted it herself ... we have been separated a lmost a year now and she still is confused on what days she has our S.
I think you handled the Handyman fine .. I was just reading alot of the MLC traits ... and to me you taking care of it with a handyman shows you are in a sense GAL and doing what needs to be done without him. MLC or not .. that stings ... in his head he probably thinks you need him ... I know my W does that (our sitchs seem to mirror in alot of ways) I had all my shirts pressed and made dentist appts for S and she was upset saying she could not take time off work, I informed her I was taking him and already took the day off ... the look on her face was priceless ... 180 for me.
Oh so true! I had my w text me 2 days before school started to say that D14 had failed her eye test at school with her contacts on and needed to see the eye Dr. BEFORE school started. I asked why she had waited until today to tell me and she "forgot". I told her I'd look into it and had to take a day off work, take D14 to the eye Dr. and order new contacts for her. I texted her back that I made an appt. to take her and she said "I can't take off work!" I told her that I had it handled and explained what i was planning. You know what I got back? Nothing. Not a word. When I texted her the next day all she wanted to know was how much it cost.
I think they are somewhat embarrassed by the memory loss and the last thing they want to do is admit any "weakness"! Also, they never want to say "Thank you" for anything you do that may help them out.
You handled the handyman situation very well. You've waited long enough to have that shade put back up (2 years). There are some people in this world that will start a project and then drop it and say that they will get to it and never do. I'll be curious to see if he fixes the switch for you today. LOL!
You are doing great and btw, I would have called a handyman too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your responses. I think it bruised his ego a little but oh well. He sure hasn't been feeding mine! I have always been very independent by nature. I grew up with a single mom and was trained to never rely on anyone, do it yourself! So it comes naturally and I believe it is one of the traits my H fell in love with. I guess he isn't liking it much right now, but it is a part of me that I had lost and missed!
This journey has been bringing out parts of me that got lost during marriage and motherhood. I have been reading novels again like crazy. Taking bubble baths. Watching chick flicks and old funny sitcoms. Buying flattering clothes and lingerie. Spending time with my girlfriends. Planning things for ME. It feels good. However, I miss having that other piece. The husband to come home to with hugs and kisses. The husband to talk to about my day, who actually cared. The husband to plan outings with. The husband to snuggle up with. I miss it so much.
Why doesn't he???
Last edited by mleigh4; 10/08/1409:36 PM.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I'm very happy to read that you are rediscovering yourself. That is what your journey is all about...YOU! Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had an interesting quick talk with H tonight. In a couple of weeks, we have an annual camping trip coming up. It's a huge Halloween trip where the entire campground decorates the sites and dresses up. Big trick or treat with candy and adult beverages. It's just super fun and we have been going for several years. Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago because S and I are going no matter what. I already know I can man the RV so it's on. But I asked H if he planned on going or if I should invite someone. We go Friday thru Sunday. H said he had planned on coming up on Saturday. Well, knowing how flaky these MLC'ers are, I decided to invite a friend and her S who is a buddy of my S. She called tonight to confirm and we are super excited.
Anyway, I guess H was curious about who I was talking to. He actually asked. I told him who it was and that they were going to come with us the camping weekend. H was surprised, but seemed happy for us because we will have a blast. So a little later he was asking some questions, about other friends that go and are they going. I answered that yes, the regular gang will be there. I am super excited, but at the same time, I am sad that we won't be there as a family. So I told H to make sure he explains to S that he won't be going with us, that it isn't for me to do. H said he would. Then, after that internal debate, I told H that I know we will have fun, but that I am sad and disappointed that we will not be going together as a family. He says he figures I am uncomfortable having him around. WHAT??? I told him, please don't say that. That you know this isn't about me and that isn't true. He was quiet. So I said, hey, I am not trying to fight. I just want you to know that I am sad about what has happened here. H said he knows. Then he said he didn't mean to fight with the texts the other day. H said he knows we both got defensive and he didn't mean for it to go the way it did. (WOW!). FTR, H never apologizes so that was big for him. I told him I know, we both get defensive and that I didn't mean for it to turn that way either.
Wow, I had my adult H back for a quick chat. It was nice. When he comes to our KOA camp out, I will make sure to let him know he is welcome and keep it light. Oh, BTW, H complained about how the handyman fixed a light switch. Lol!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I am processing what he said. I guess I didn't do a good job of validating. If I could do a redo, when he said he figures I am uncomfortable having him around, I would say "you feel that way?" If he said yes, I would say "I know things have changed, but I very much want to do things as a family". Darn. That would have been much better than what I said. I hope I got that point across to him. He has declined every family trip in the last year, I just have gotten tired of asking and being rejected. Maybe I should test that out with the next outing? Or leave it be? Maybe he is just temp checking to make sure I am still here?
I guess I will see what feels right to me.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
