Starsky, thanks for your support. you are a good man for doing this. Don't forget that.
I just want to see marriages saved. But I *do* want to see them saved with healthy boundaries in place, and *both* spouses committed to admitting their past marital mistakes and working on it together. I'm not an "intact marriage at all costs" guy.
My W just called me. I had sent her a few emails on Mediation with notes from various people with whom I had spoken. I also sent her an email with potential times to meet with someone this week. She called me on her way home rather than email back.
I explained the differences between mediation, collaborative D and litigation. After some questions, she then said "this is a very big decision, I just need some time to think." I told her that unfortunately that while I do not want a D, this is my only option because I refuse to share my W with someone else. I also said that if she wants time, we can take all of the time in the world to work on our M, but only when I know she is committed to our M and it involves only the two of us. I told her our M will take work to repair, but we cannot start it until she is completely honest with me and she cuts off all ties with him.
I was very nice in my tone and left the convo with "you have two options. if you want to pursue this other life, I cannot control you and your decision. I will make it easy for you and we can divorce. Or, you choose to come home to the kids and me and to work on our M. But, if you choose the kids and me, you will forever close the door on that other part of your life forever and have no contact with him ever again. Since right now you say you cannot decide, then I have no option but to pursue a D."
man, this s&cks.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I broke into my W's phone again and found a text between her and the OM
This is one of the reasons your wife doesn't feel she loves you anymore. You have to understand that this doesn't come across as a confident man. Women are attracted to confident men. Confident men don't break into their W's phone....
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I told her that I saw her type in her code (literally from 40 ft away) and decided to look. I asked her about the texts and she basically denied everything. I asked "can you explain why you said that you loved him" and she said "I don't remember saying that." I also found a bunch of photos of him on her phone plus photos of them together.
More of the same. This comes across as weak and desperate. That will NEVER draw her back or help her feelings come back for you.
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I reiterated that I want to work on our M but I will not share my W with anyone else
Do you see how you are trying to sound strong on one hand and yet are coming across as weak on the other hand? "I won't share you, but I do want and NEED (needy) to keep snooping on you"..
This is why she can't get her feelings back for you. Women aren't attracted to men who act like this. It's a huge turnoff, even to a woman in an affair...
If you aren't going to share her and want to come across as confident and strong then stop snooping and stop telling her this isn't what you want. Your ACTIONS on this will show her you won't share. Your actions are coming across like you are pressuring her to break it off with the OM by using divorce as a 2x4.. Forcing her to come back won't work..... Pressure doesn't work... You have to take off the pressure...
IMHO a confident man says... "I have decided that this isn't working for me and this isn't what I want. I don't believing in sharing my wife with another man. I think you should move out as soon as possible and I am going to file for divorce and will let you know the details after I meet with my lawyer."
Confident, firm and resolved. Not mean spirited. Just matter of fact... I HAVE DECIDED...
Nothing about "this isn't what I want or stop seeing the OM or what about the kids".. etc etc.... NOTHING...
When you do this you will gain back some of the respect she lost for you. Maybe even some of your own self respect back...
Women are attracted to strong, confident, decisive men who have integrity. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong.
Sho, no more "grand pronouncements." You have given her some version of that speech 10x now -- enough. She knows your position; to keep hammering her with it is only coming across as controlling and holier-than-thou.
You "state" your position by your ACTIONS from this point forward, not by your WORDS.
Got it. People are saying pressure is bad. Clearly, moving towards a D is putting pressure on her to make a decision. I know she is waffling right now. Based on her travel schedule, she will not have been in NYC for ~3 weeks. So she is not seeing the OM. But of course, I know she is talking and texting with him.
I am being nice, kind and positive. I probably over did it on the "grand pronouncements", which as everyone has pointed out, will make her feel more guilty and bad about herself, which could force her away from me. But I am standing by the fact that I am not sharing her with anyone else and have no other choice but to pursue a D.
In fact, today she said that she cannot make a mediator meeting on Thursday. She has client meetings/calls. I told her that I would go on my own, even though she needs to be there, and then would work to schedule another meeting when I get back from my business trip next week. So while my words may demonstrate that I am "needy", my actions are moving straight forward towards divorce.
In the end, I sense that she wants time. But if I allow her time, she will just cake eat.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Yeah, she clearly is waffling. she has made a ton of changes to be in Boston more. She is doing a day trip to NYC next week while I am traveling. she could see him that day clearly. But that will be three weeks since she was last in NYC.
So I know she is waffling and needs some time to either (1) get the guts to end the A or (2) feel comfortable enough in my changes or comfortable enough to commit to working on our M. Based on her text with the OM, she clearly has said something to him about slowing down and allowing her to figure out what she wants. Based on his response on that text, he must have said something like "I cannot wait around forever for you while you make up your mind." Somewhat ironic since that is what I have said.
If she goes on her feelings, she will choose the OM b/c her feelings for me are buried so deep inside. But if I give her time, all I do is sign myself up for more limbo, which s**ks. If she chooses me, it will be because she is choosing her feelings for our family, not me. Those feelings will take a lot of time to come back.
I know my moving towards a D is putting pressure on her, but I really don't see another option. I cannot sit back and know that my W is having an A with the OM. If that is what she wants, she can have it. I want no part of an open M.
Please note: I am still being SUPER pleasant towards her and around her. I am being Mr PMA.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I have been there ... and I get where you are at. I agree with Starsky on everything he has said to you. With my sitch she atleast admitted the A (after about 3 months of my initial suspicion) I noticed a HUGE turn for me when I stood up and told her that the A was disrespectful to me, our marriage, our family, and her family .. even tossed in a "I would hate to see your parents find out about this" ... this seemed to lift a fog, she called that night crying and I told her if OM was who she wanted go and be happy, she deserves to be happy .. but asked her to actually think about how that R would really ever work ..... in your case .. how does her A really work?? .. eventually its going to run its course like they all do, might take longer with the distance ... but it will still end. I do see when us LBS try to tell them how wrong it is it makes the WAS hang on even tighter.
My advice .. SHE has to end it .. .you have stated your boundaries, started the process ... looks like she doesn't want it .. or maybe just does not what YOU to make that choice for her. I would just go about your business and see what her actions/reactions are. I do get a sense that she is cake eating, and now has to start giving this whole thing some thought .. something I don't think she has done on the high of the A and the butterfly feelings it provides.
