^^^^^^^ Exactly....and beautifully written. I went through that with my oldest, age 15 until 17, and guess what? He is back and we are tighter than ever.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm probably the last person you wanna hear from huh ???
I also, know exactly what you are dealing with. It is that loss of innocence with them. What was once stable, is no longer...
To add to what the Rican said above...
The way it was explained to me, was that YOU are the enemy right now. Everything that YOU stand for, is the part of her life that she wants to explore.
You can't hold 'em that tight, or you will push her away.
What she wants vs. what she needs, are two very different things, and the tighter that you hold, the more that she is gonna want to find out exactly what those things are.
And as much as you wanna protect her, at some point, you need to loosen the slack a bit, and trust what you have already instilled onto her, and just guide her if and when things go astray a bit...
You need to stay strong within YOURSELF, and allow her to learn these life lessons as they come to her. Not as you protect her from them...
Cause if you are always there to pick her up, she will never learn how to deal with them on her own....
Hell, I still struggle with that greatly. I wanna protect my little girl, and keep her from harm. I just have recently realized that I cannot do that, and I want for her to become self-sufficient in her life. And protecting her, teaches her nothing about that.....
I told Eric the other day, that your Daughter is half you, and half of her Mother. And she knows exactly what your half represents. And with the way that her Mother has changed recently, she NEEDS to find that out too....
Also, HER world has been thrown upside down too, not just you and her Mothers...
She needs an outlet, and time to adjust too...
Stay with her Matt, just step back a bit for now....
And THAT ^^^^ is what I did with my stbxw through our whole R, and that led where?
BINGO!
Hey TS.....ummmm...you sure where not married to the same person
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
This whole realization, about this "protecting" and such that we discussed earlier, has given me a new view of parenting, that you DO have to let them explore, learn, fail, succeed on their own...but be there for them to help guide them, not direct.
I used to be focused on making sure my sons would never be dependent on a partner for cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc. That they were self-sufficient in basic daily necessities. And they are now.
Now I have learned to allow them to make their own decisions, though I do point out the likely consequences of what they are wanting to do, both the good and the bad. And then let them decide and I hang in the background. They know I am there.
The last thing I want is for them to have their own MLC, and declare "I feel like a child/You treat me like a child" to their partner.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi gentlemen and Mach! LOL I really do get what you are saying. It's pretty much what I did with my oldest D. After a long and bitter "war" we finally found common ground and now are very close. Tonight my D14 came to me 2 different times to ask for my advice. Once about school and once about her new "friend" Cody. I doubt she talks to her mom like she does with me. At least she never did when she lived with us. We've always been close, her and I.
I understand that she has to have enough freedom to become the adult she's meant to be. At the same time, too much "freedom", too quick, is also not a good idea. Especially after all she's been through with the D and her mother leaving and actually still is going through. It's hard enough when both parents are involved and back each other. The way things are between her mother and I, I can see my W just disagreeing to disagree.
All night tonight D14 has been excited and I could tell something was up. Well, it turns out she is going to go watch her new friend play football after school tomorrow. She wants me to pick her up and take her to get some "eye liner" and then I can drop her at his game. I teased her and said well, I really should go too and meet this guy! She just laughed and said "I will disown you if you do that!". The reason she wants to stay at her mother's is so very clear now. This guy is close to there. She can see him after school and she doesn't even have to tell anyone where she's going! Her mother won't even know she's not at home.
I'm going to have to figure something out here that will give her at least something close to what she wants while at the same time not put her in too much danger. I do understand that she must strike out on her own but, like I said, too much too soon especially when she has already had enough going on the last year and a half isn't smart.
Wow, interesting morning! So, after my D14 spent the evening the night before coming to me for "advice", asking me questions about football (she wants to know enough about the game to not look like an idiot in front of this guy), etc. we had a long talk on the way to school.
She is nervous as this guy she likes parents are going to be at the game today and she will be meeting them. This is a first for her as this guy is the first boy she likes that she hasn't known for most of her life. She asked me all kinds of questions, told me how nervous she was, asked me my opinion on how to wear her hair...on and on. Mostly I validated, tried to get her to relax and just be herself. At one point she said "You're the only person I talk to about this stuff, dad. I don't even talk to mom about it". I asked her why not. She said "I don't know. Because she's mom. I just don't feel comfortable talking to her. I don't have a sister to talk to anymore so you're the only one I have". She then started saying how she always wished she had a brother and that she wants to have a boy first when she gets M and 4 kids total....kid stuff.
How sad that one statement about not being comfortable talking to her mom was! Sad for her and sad for my W. How much is W missing out on because of her MLC? This is time and events W will never be able to get back. Once it's past, it's gone forever. The fact that my d14 trusts and loves me enough to come to me and talk about her life means more to me than any amount of money, any great business success, any "thing" I could have been able to have if I had sacrificed my R with her to get it. It's sad that instead of having her big sister there for her, to talk to, spend time with, laugh and be "sisters" with, her family is now gone and scattered.
It also is wonderful that she trusts me enough to talk to me. That she knows she can talk to me and I will be there for her. That she still believes in family and M and isn't thinking that because her parents are D'g that M can't work or will end badly. I'm very proud of her. She is such a great kid. I'm also proud of her sister who has become so hard working and responsible so quickly. They both are dealing with things in a way that makes me really understand that I must have done something right. That all the time, effort and sacrifice over the years was worth it.
I am so glad that I have my D's and I know that I always will. I'm blessed in so many ways and need to remember this in the middle of all this crap that I never asked for. I may no longer have my M but I will always have my family. Whatever my W gains in her journey, I can't imagine it being worth what she is missing now and will in the future but that is her choice. I get to chose what is important to me and I choose my kids and my family, whether she wants to be part of that or not.
WOW..Matt you should feel proud! You have a great R with your D. She may pull back a bit in the future but with the foundation that she has...she will be right back.
Good job being Dad!
As for your W - it is her loss
Quote:
I get to chose what is important to me and I choose my kids and my family, whether she wants to be part of that or not.
I love this ^^^
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Matt, what a great job you are doing with your D's! The fact she can talk to you about this stuff, huge. It shows she respects your opinion. Keep it up! You are her rock
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks Eric. She really is a good kid. I expect her to pull away as she gets into the 15-17 years, it would be weird if she didn't. I think that it's an important part of growing up to pull away around that age. The problem is some go too far, others not far enough. No one ever said it was going to be easy! For the kids or the parents.
It really is W's loss. I actually feel bad for her that she will miss so much of the rewards of raising kids. I have no doubt that someday she will regret what she is missing now. I guess it all depends on whether she finds anything close to what she is "missing" and searching for now. Who knows? It's her journey only she can decide what she thinks is important.
