Inside My chrysalis 5

[Card29]

I was crushed when my W told me she was buying a bed for her apt. I'd already said she could have the bed as I said I liked our nice air bed more, anyway. I never liked our bed from the moment we saw it in the store years ago. Should have been firm about it. Anyway, I come to find out she had not liked it for years, either. So as soon as our house is sold, good riddance old bed

[raliced]

Last night he asked if, since he didn't have a kitchen table in his apartment (why? i don't know) he could take a couple of our stools from our breakfast bar. I immediately took that as a sign that he's planning on coming home. Long shot? Oh probably.

You know- I think the WASs do a much better job of living in the now than we do. I think by nature the LBS is focused on the future. The WAS just wants a plaace to sit and eat his TV dinner tonight.

[Ss06]

Ok, you're all right (and never harsh Georgiabelle). Bar stools mean nothing significant.

I don't want to live in 6 month increments. I need to figure that out. It's not like M or the possibility of R is insignificant enough to just set aside like it's deciding if I should have chicken or shrimp for dinner. It's such a big thing that it's hard not to hope and plan for the future with hope and search through every tiny little hint and tweak it to support my cause.

Reality though is the NOW and the NOW is that I'm enjoying a nice glass of viognier. D is enjoying a purple bath (colored bath tabs make baths much more fun!) while reading and the 4 HUGE brown and black widow spiders I found in the backyard are now dead. All is good right now.

One breath at a time. Stop living in the future. Ok. I have new mottoes. Thank you.

I really want to thank you all for coming to my side when I really need you (or just pretty much always). People IRL ("in real life") get sick of talking about my sitch (and so do I) but you guys get it. I appreciate that so much.

I need to stop fixating and complaining. I have it pretty good considering. I'm going to focus on that for a while.

p.s. it's GREAT taking time to read a book NOT about repairing relationships. I'm reading The Lavender Ribbon and strangely the main character has my name. It's an unusual name and yet it's spelled the same way that I spell it which is also unusual. Strange. Strange but awesome.

[Card29]

Man I have to find the colored bath tabs. My D would freak out

So neat about the character in your book. My name is somewhat rare, too, so I know the feeling of finding someone with the same name and spelling. I've never read a book with the protagonist sharing my name, though! Enjoy

[bravo61]

Ss
I believe we are mirror images of each other in the way we treated our spouse's. Especially w/their comments of being dead/broken inside. The only small difference I saw was I bragged bout her to everyone else but her. If you can allow yourself too, love your spouse. It says something about your character to be able to do that in spite of everything. Yeah this hurts, but pain is better than nothing. At least there are good memories to cling too. Doing the right thing is rarely easy but it's always worth it. Pray in for us!

[Ahoy]

SS -- I like your comment about living in the NOW, and that you're reading other books. You're right -- it's good to find activities that allow you to focus on other things and not fixate. You sound good and strong right now. Keep up the good work!

[Maybell]

Ss, I'm glad you're relaxing with a novel rather than torturing yourself with relationship books. here's a quote from Labug's old threads that I'm finding really resonates with me these days. It's a path to peace:


If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"

If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.

Labug and 25 were separated for 2+ years each. Mr.Bond more than 3 years. Crimson is piecing after actually divorcing. It's hard to remember, because marriage is such a huge part of our lives (especially as SAHMs), but it actually CAN be back-burnered and there will be fewer consequences than one might think. Especially in your and my situations, where both sides are being basically civil with one another.

The thing I'm coming to realize is that, the marriage being dead is a more thorough state of affairs than I credited before. If we come back together then it will truly be from the beginning. I can't "pick up" from where we are, because of my hurt about the affair, him leaving, and my resentment of the last however many years. For me to be re attracted to him we're going to have to start over and get to know each other as though we're new to one another. (Beginner's mind!) For that to happen, I'm first going to have to let go all the way.

I'm not there, but that's what I'm aiming for. I don't think any reconciliation can succeed otherwise, and I need it to survive in the now too. This, I think, is the meaning of Cadet's favorite quote about embracing the brutal truth of your situation while maintaining faith that you will prevail. ("You are already dead.")

Does that make any sense? This understanding is really new to me so I don't know if I'm being clear (and I recognize I'm going to slip up as I move forward).

[Tarheel]

SS06, have you read 'The Power of NOW' by Eckhart Tolle? I'm about 1/3 of the way through and several of the concepts sound similar to your above comments. I'd recommend it to everyone on here as it's helping me focus on what's happening 'now' as opposed to reliving the past or trying to picture what's going to happen with my sitch in the future.

[Card29]

Maybell, that is deep. I have realized before that if we do reconcile, it will be like starting a new relationship. But I've never seen detachment in that light. Detachment does many great things for us, but we also have to detach in order to start over, if it gets to that point. It is especially true for someone like you, where an A is involved.

[labug]

Starsky often refers to the Stockdale Paradox. It's worth looking up.