Putting my life back together

[NewLeaf]

Yesterday morning I came downstairs and w was on the phone w/OM (fairly certain based on the way she lowered her voice, turned away and quickly hung up). I started putting my shoes on as I was leaving and said I was going to have lunch with a friend. She just asked "how are you doing?". For some reason I have more trouble with this question than any other. I feel like it's a temp check to see if she still has me on the hook. I responded that I was doing fine, but then screwed up and added a "why?", in kind of a "what's it to you?" tone. so stupid. She just said it seemed like a couple of days since we talked, and I agreed that it had been a busy week. Told her I hoped she had a good day and left.

She was distant and cold for the rest of the day but then this morning came up and said she was making eggs, asking if I wanted some, and then has been warm and friendly. I've just kept myself busy with school work for the most part and staying out of the way.

Have meetings with two mediators this week to talk about what the process is like. Not looking forward to that at all.

[1foot2]

Yeah I hate that question. The other day W asked "how are you doing....emotionally?" No idea how to answer that. This was a week or so after I began enforcing strict PMA. I just said "fine" but it came off so flippant that I felt I needed to say something else. There's no right answer. I know somewhere in there my W cares about my feelings but it's buried beneath a lot of other crap.

[Ahoy]

I got that question yesterday too! I just beamed and said, "Good! I'm cooking some food." (he had just dropped by to deliver daughter's book bag). I treat the question as if it is light daily conversation, not an invitation to go into the deep depths of my soul. I act as if the question is directed at how I am doing in the moment with whatever activity I happen to be engaged in.

I figure: if he wants to know how I'm doing on a deeper level, he will have to ask more specific questions, and also open himself up to being honest and open about his own feelings. I'm pretty sure he's not up to that task yet, so there's no point in me opening up to him and becoming vulnerable when it's a one-way street.

Let's face it: if they really wanted to know, wouldn't they be more specific? Like ask, "How are you feeling about our relationship for the future?" or they would just be honest and say, "I'm still really confused about what I want for the future. Some days I miss you and our relationship, and some days I feel really good about being independent and pursuing my own life. Do you feel the same?"

But they probably won't, and maybe never will.

And we have to be okay with those unasked and unanswered questions in the meantime.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Ahoy! I agree, if she wants to know more she can ask a more specific question, otherwise I'll treat it the same as if a coworker or neighbor is asking. Thanks so much for your perspective.

[1foot2]

Ahoy you genius. That's the perfect way to approach it. And yes, I do at some point want that deeper honest question but I know that it will have to come from her. She knows I am capable of honesty.

[NewLeaf]

Had the mediation meeting this morning.

Before the meeting my wife asked me how I was doing and instead of lying, I said that I wasn't okay. I said that I forgave her for falling into the affair but that I don't forgive her for continuing it while we're still married and living together. I told her I was angry that she is ripping apart our marriage and that I think it's disgusting that she's continuing the affair while we're living in the same house. I told her if she's going to continue it she needs to start looking for another place to live, sooner rather than later. She said that she didn't know how I felt and thought I was happy and had moved on. Some of that was rehashed a couple of times but that is gist of it.


In the meeting itself, the mediator was kind and seemed extremely knowledgeable, though it was surreal talking about wiping out the last three years in probably just a couple of meetings, maybe even one, since we have no kids and our finances are fairly straight forward.


After the meeting we stopped at our cars and she started tearing up. I told her that I hated this, and that I wasn't okay with it, and I got in my car and left.

I'm not happy with any of this, least of all my behavior today, but I can't keep playing house with her. I feel like I'm just enabling the affair. I never set strong boundaries other than that he wasn't allowed at the house and I didn't want her calling him from the house. I'm also not happy with the way I left it and want to send her an email, realizing this is probably a terrible idea, instead I'll paste it here and not send it.

WAW,
I'm not happy with the way I behaved today, but I needed you to understand how I feel. All I've ever wanted was to find a way forward together. It is true I have been happy at times in the past month, happier than any time since June; but that doesn't mean that I don't still have feelings for you, or that I want this divorce any more than I did in June, or the day we were married. I'm not saying I would jump back in and pick up where we left off, because I don't even know right now that I could do that. I just need to set some healthy boundaries and be true to myself. I feel I've tried everything in my power in the last four months to keep the road home open to you should you truly have a change of heart, I'm not shutting that down, I'm just not going to actively work to maintain it any more. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, but most of all I miss my best friend and the woman I married. I meant it when I said I hope you never feel this pain, and that I loved you more than you will ever know.

[Drew]

I haven't been following your sitch, but as far as today I think you handled yourself just fine.

I would just let it sit with her.

Don't send the email.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Drew, really appreciate your stopping by. Has been a tough day. I won't send it.

[NewLeaf]

She left tonight to stay with her brother for a couple of weeks and is looking for a place November 1st. Says she will let me decide when to contact her again because she doesn't want to hurt me any more.

[1foot2]

Do you feel relieved? Try to find a way to that. I would LOVE if my W would do that right now, I even asked her to, which she interpreted as me being cruel. Some time to yourself would be great for you and probably benefit her as well.