BOB.

[Shining]

Thank you, uR. You're on the money. (As usual). He wants this done, and done now.

I won't meet with him if you think it's best to just deal with everything via text and email. I really do believe he needs this D to happen. I am not trying to stop it. I'm not trying to change his mind because I can't. This is much bigger than that.

Without a doubt in my mind, I know that R isn't even a little bit possible. I see how broken he is. I can't fix him. I quit trying to change his mind. I'm going with all of it. Like the house, and everything else, I know the process.

I was working from my own gut, and thinking of who I want to be, and how I want to be treated, regardless of what H does. I'm so ok not meeting.

It may sound weird, but part of it was an excercise for me to just ask. Just to ask for the respect I deserve is hard sometimes. Does that even make sense?

This whole thing started because he got a bill in his mail from the ortho. The insurance is under his name, so it was forwarded to his apartment instead of mine. That was enough of a reminder of what he no longer wishes to be a part of, for the spew fest to begin.

I haven't responded. I probably won't, at least not for a long time.

Oh.... Now he texted a screenshot of someone's fb post announcing a big company near us that is hiring.... Can he really go this all over the place this quickly? The speed of his mood swings is getting faster..... I've never seen anything like it.

[Shining]

Thanks, Matt.

He is not making sense, that's for sure. While he steamrolls through to the D, and gets angry at the thought of not remaining friends, he once did say, "I didn't say D will make me happy. I'm saying I can't and won't be with you." Because it was such a beating to be married to me..... Ok. He feels what he feels. He feels beaten. True or not, that's what he is basing his decisions on.

Another thing he hasn't considered, and I am not even going to bring this up.... Is that If he D me, I would be free to date.

To be clear, I do not wish to date. But I would be free to do so, should I decide that is what I want to do.

He will come unglued. Even if we are D. I know this. Time will tell what happens when he realizes what D really means.

He has to learn the way he learns. I can't tell him. That's for sure.

[Shining]

I'm fixing me. So, he can't break me.


Now THAT ^^^^^ is going to get you to the bacon...

T!!! I want that bacon!!!!

I'm sorry, I meant to respond right away and I got distracted. I've been a bit scattered today.

It occurred to me, that while it holds H back from becoming whole if he keeps looking back at me as a distraction, that it's the same in reverse.

Like I can't fully "heal" until he is not in my life. Not like this, anyway.

I don't want this D. At all. I'm against it. Entirely against it. But, part of me? Wants it behind me. If it's going to happen anyway, I want it done, too.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news,

D13 looks adorable with her new metal mouth.

I scored another interview in my city, one mile from my apartment. Doesn't pay as much, but wouldn't need to, either. It's on Friday morning....yay!

I could tell H to take this car and shuvit..... Get something I don't have to make payments on. I don't care what I drive. A car has never made a difference in my happiness.

Just thinking of the possibilities.

[job]

Did your daughter get the colored bands for her braces? They have some cool colors and it's great that the kids can actually participate in how they want their braces to look. How long does she have to wear them?

I'm glad to see you got an interview for Friday. Write down your questions/concerns so that you can discuss them during the interview. One mile from your place sounds wonderful.

Keep up the good work!

[Shining]

Thanks, job! Yep! She went with purple . She wears them for 2 more years....ugh. Hopefully it will keep the boys away. Yeah. Wishful, I know.

I had a great conversation with the hiring manager today. She was concerned about the salary being lower than what I've been making. It wasn't even that much lower.

I shot her straight, which I tend to do...I don't play the game well. She seemed to appreciate that.

I told her what I made starting at my last place, and what I ended at. The offer would be where I started my last job. I told her that I was still interested. The location and job details (can do with eyes closed) are promising. If the benefits and people make for a good balance, the salary number isn't as important to me.

My ends need to meet at the end of the month.
I need to be in a positive environment close to my kids.

That's pretty much it. I'm a simple gal.

[job]

I hate to tell you this...but braces won't keep the boys away. Right now, they are all the rage and all of the kids that are getting them have the colored bans. My niece wore them for about 18 months and wore a lot of the purple, red and green ones. You might get lucky and her teeth will shift into place quickly. Whatever happened to clothes, shoes, etc. being the rage?

I hope everything works out with the interview. It sounds like the hiring manager had some concerns about the salary...but if you've explained things to her, there shouldn't be a problem. It's refreshing when people are honest and not side stepping around about what they are looking for in a position when they are interviewing. I'm sure she was very impressed w/your honestly and that's a strong point in your favor. I totally agree w/you about the benefits and the people are just as important, if not more so, when it comes to working and not just the paycheck.

[Shining]

Job! The braces?? Ugh!! Tell me about it! She agonized for days over which color to choose....narrowed it down to purple or blue. I think she had a poll going on instagram. Part of the 13 year old attention stuff, I suppose.

Her teeth were far worse than her brothers. She had to get an expander....one tooth just didn't have any room to come down on it's own. So, I had to crank that thing every night for 6 weeks!! Like a medieval torture device.

She was taking "selfies" in the waiting room. We had to get the before and after, of course. She's pretty excited. The pain hasn't begun yet.

It's going to be mashed potato poems tonight....

Thank you for the encouragement, job. I'm hopeful for the interview as well. It's a small company. The president has started up several in his experience. I'm planning to research him and his companies this evening. A few concerns with this one being one of his start ups, but it can also work positively.

I had the opportunity to make a pretty salary, but drive a total of 3 hours each day. I just can't make that sound good in my head, no matter what they pay. It would have been doable if my older boys were staying here. But, since it's now going to be me, single momming it with S16 and D13, my priorities have changed. Less money, more parenting. I'm comfortable seeking a lower level job to be more available for them. I'm all they have here. And they are all I have, too. And that's everything.

[job]

OMG! My sister had to do the same thing with her daughter's teeth, i.e., the expander. My niece was 12 when she got them and she's now 14, but her smile is absolutely beautiful. Just about every girl in her class had them. Now, the boys weren't keen about them at all and didn't want them if they could get away w/not getting them.

She has no idea what the pain will be like. It was jello and soup after each visit for a couple of days. Oh, and don't forget the toothbrushes and all of the other stuff that she will need.

I did 4 hours each day in commuting for many years, so I know what you are talking about. You definitely have to be close by w/your children the ages that they are. So much can happen and it could be things that you wouldn't think would happen. It's just not a safe environment any more for kids. I think you are very wise in looking for something closer to home. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers on Friday.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Shinning,

We both are dealing with spouses who have attempted suicide. I have also seen that your spouse and mine are both driven to get the divorce done. They both seem fixated on it. I feel that both you and i are coming to the same conclusion. We will have to get the divorce over for them to move beyond it. I don't believe it will help either one, but both will need to find this out for themselves. I feel my wife will continue to spiral down and keep trying suicide until either she get the divorce or she succeeds.

[Shining]

All 4 of mine now have or had braces... I never did. I wanted them. My dentist at the time said I was "on the fence".... Well. If my folks could better use that money on beer and cigarettes, my teeth were far lower on that list.

The issue of braces was one of the biggest fights I've ever had with H. I never understood it.

Almost exactly one year ago, my S16 who was then 15, was long overdue for his braces. H had a quirky thing about braces for all of my kids. I kept putting it off, and putting it off... H kids BOTH had braces. Why couldn't mine?

Even more odd, because he didn't have to pay for them. Xh has to pay. It was not H decision to make, and it didn't effect him financially. Why the issue??

I was in the emergency room one year ago, endo pain and complications leading to complete Hysterectomy. As I'm laying in the hospital bed, the topic of braces came up non-related to my kids. H started complaining about S15 needing braces, and I explained it shouldn't matter to H. Then he went ballistic and was yelling at me! As I'm writhing in pain!

I had taken S for a consultation the week before, because it was a regular scheduled thing on his plan. H made it into this personal attack on H, and said I did that behind his back. I was like, what???? How does this even effect you? It made absolutely no sense. And the fact that I was doubled over, and he chose then to address this. It made no sense then.

I know now what was going on. He was already spewing.

He threw the braces thing into today's text attack. But.....NOT D13. She can do no wrong. He brought up the fight from a year ago. The issue that had no affect on him. So we need to D.

Yep. On to the future!! It's more clear everyday. The more still I am. The answers come, job. Just as you say. They do.