still waiting

[Jefe]

Honestly, it makes me want to go out and have a meaningless relationship with someone RIGHT NOW. But I'm not in my 20s anymore, and I'm not an idiot, and I know that wouldn't solve anything. And I know it would really be just to get revenge on crazy H, to have a secret of my own. It would destroy everything. But right now everything already feels so destroyed.

Boy, I can relate with this feeling.

[Shakspr]

Ahoy: Are you getting any DB coaching? I know the vets are a big help, but you seem to be at a critical juncture.

Thanks for checking in on me yesterday. I hope that you find a healthy measure of detachment today.

Sounds like you should go re-read Sandi2's 37 rules. I try to hit them every other day.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy, re the dealing with the feelings today, take heart from your D take heart from being you, Your feelings are the feelings you have now and you will be happy again. Try to remember good times you have had in your past, times you laughed and times that made you feel good. If you try to catch the sad thoughts before they get you down and replace them with the happy ones. The pain we are all feeling will pass, we are decent people or we wouldnt be posting here. I have no wise words but one day you will be happy and properly happy. Take care RD500

[25yearsmlc]

Maybell, I'm glad my interactions have been of help in some way to someone. I'm not doing so well right now. Feel like I blew it with my daughter yesterday a bit, although we are in a more honest place with each other now.

I'm glad you're in a more honest place and believe me, that's important. But I ache for you and your d. Our d's are still working on their R's with their dad. They were hurt when he left and he's digging himself out of a hole he made. (So you know, I'm glad he's doing the work and at times I feel sorry for him. Other times I want o scream at him that I had warned him of this!

But why say "I told you so" if one can avoid it?

I am struggling the way you were a few days ago.

On the one hand, I DO NOT want to ever be with H again. EVER. I do not like the person he has become and cannot respect the choices he's making. He does deserve happiness, and he should absolutely be free to make choices that serve his happiness in his life, but the way he has gone about this is causing so much harm to me, and more importantly to our daughter, that I will never be able to see him in the same way again. And certainly never trust him. So what's the point? Why am I fighting to save a M I don't even want? Out of fear? Out of a need to "win"? Out of a desire to keep our family intact at the expense of my own need for a real loving, trustworthy partner? I need to be done with him. Really, really done.

Great questions. But as you suspect, YOU are the only one who can answer those questions and you can only answer them for you.

Financial considerations are not meaningless, esp when there are children. If you could somehow KNOW that you'd be financially secure after divorcing, would that make a difference? A big difference?

Also, I am a big fan of redemption = I believe in it and think the wayward spouse has to know the "Road home is paved and smooth" if he/she makes the effort.

So I'd say to an LBSer, "don't make it harder to return than it already would be."

OTOH If you know, truly, that you cannot ever forgive him, (for whatever reason), then cutting bait now might make sense...

Do you KNOW that you'll never trust him again? (Even if you forgive him)? B/C if you really truly KNOW That is reality, then actually you have some clarity...

Keep posting, b/c as important as this time is in your life, it might be the only thing you really do FOR you and your peace of mind.
And remember, you will be happy again. Model that inner knowledge and inner

peace for your d. When she faces a setback or betrayal in life (and she will) you will have shown her real life examples of how to get thru it to the other side.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

There is a point in showing your d that marriage CAN mean sucking it up for a time, while you figure things out. It's not the same as dating a guy who mistreats you, and with whom you'd quickly terminate a relationship.

Your daughter can see what a serious VOW the marital words are... and SHE will know you did your best to make this work even when it hurt like he11 and you wanted out. There is a lot of intrinsic value in that.

So you hurt like he11 - and yet you still hung in there - until you knew if there was a future with him, that would yield you AND HIM happiness.

That ^^^ has value.

[CaliGuy]

25 .... wise words .. and ones I too needed to hear/read.

Ahoy ... I hope you hang in there, we are all in the corner of a M that ends up working out ... and by still rooting for yours in a way makes me still root for my own. But I can relate with so much of what you said .. was happy to see 25's response ... making me rethink my current stance at the moment ... I guess when in doubt go dark and let things start to sort themselves out.

[Maybell]

Every single person I follow on these boards has had a dark night of the soul where they really want to just walk away. Every single one. Somehow, many of us have found ourselves hanging in there.

That reminds me of a quote from one of Labug's old threads that I wanted to hang on to. I'll go looking for it, it's REALLY good for this place you're in. If you wanted to look for it before I get back to you, I quoted it in one of my threads, maybe around 7th or 8th???

Hugs to you, Ahoy, you've been amazingly helpful and supportive. You'll be awesome no matter what happens.

[25yearsmlc]

Amen...

and one thing to echo what Maybell has just said.

On my "dark night(s)", eventually I came to feel at peace with the future I saw, without my h.

I even felt sorry for him, b/c I KNEW I'd be okay but could not honestly see how he could be, vis a vis our children. That's not competitive of me, though it may sound that way. I just felt bad for him, but mostly good for me/my future. (Based on what you've written here, I believe You will get there too.)

I also knew in my heart that no other woman could or would have gotten thru all the advanced & professional (DEMANDING) schooling, AND life under the poverty level for our youth and for so many years, --

--with so much laughter and joy and my love for him. I knew I loved him very well for most of our marriage.

No other woman would appreciate the comparatively glorious wealth we now enjoy, b/c no other woman would have eaten what we ate when we were first married.

We ate what H got hunting, (And goat meat he recovered from a "control group" that was euthanized under FDA/PETA rules) though they were still healthy and safe to eat.

Suffice to say we had roughed it, a lot. Yet I never ever complained, as I wasn't even aware of how poor we were. I was madly in love.

No lawyer/doctor/gorgeous woman that h could hope to meet, would ever know what HE and I had learned...

So I was at peace. I began to hold my head up a little higher. I believed there was going to be someone very good, whom I'd share my life with again, married or not. I would not be "lonely" again, even if I were alone.

And there are worse things than being alone...

---like wishing you were.

((( )))

[Maybell]

Here it is... From my 4th thread. Yikes.

If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"

If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.

[topgunmb]

Some days, it's hard to come to the forums. It's hard to read through all the pain that we're all experiencing sometimes. Today was one of those days, but as I sit here with tears in my eyes after having read some of the responses to Ahoy, I'm glad I did.