I'm so sorry. Yes, those do sting. You are wise in not engaging nor trying to figure out why he's spewing. Don't waste evergy on that. It is an epic and collossal waste of time (says woman waving her hands at having wasted precious energy on that!!!). Even now, I catch myself and think "wtf happened???" And I realize there is no *good* answer that would give me comfort or help me truly understand what happened. Just that I can't fix him and he's broken.
Please know that when I say this I do feel sad. It's strange not to have x Mr GB to read celebrity gossip to or tuck the kids in together. I hate that my children hurt and struggle. However, I can unequivocally say that a partof me has never been more at peace and dare I say happier. I loved x Mr GB very much. We *got* each other. I loved him enough to let him go and know that l will never truly *get* this. And that's okay. Who knows what the future holds?
Hang in there! I just got some swank new wedge boots. Don't be jelly:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
If it was never possible before, I have now managed to combine heartbreak tears with shoe envy:). I am imagining myself stealing swank boots and wedge-clocking Cuckoo McSpew over the head right now.
This wave will pass. I have good words from here to repeat to myself. They really do help.
Hi Shining! Did I ever tell you that I meet Dave G. many years ago when I was working in Austin? I was friends with a guy who owned a bunch of clubs on 6th St. and he was part of a group that was hanging out after the club closed. He is a really cool person and is much nicer than you would imagine! This was at least 15 years ago and he wasn't as famous as he is now but he seemed like a really down to earth person...incredibly talented (he plays with several bands in his "spare" time that you probably never heard of) but really "cool". Seems like you have good taste in even your fantasy guys!
No, I didn't know you met him! That is awesome!! Now I have shoe envy AND rock star meeting envy.
I think my overall attraction, is the combination of his ridiculous level of talent, and that he seems to be just a really cool, non-compromising guy with a dorky sense of humor. He is also crazy smart. My S18 follows him and his bands, interviews, and movie cameos he's in, etc. Yeah, I could definitely hang out with someone like that.
This is getting stressful. But I'm ok. My emotions are on high alert, but not crying or in despair.
H sent more texts that basically declare what, and how, the few things we have left are to be divided. (In his mind)
He included more spew of reasons he doesn't want to be with me. threw all kinds of old, old, petty things into the pot. People don't D over this stuff. Wow. More blame. It really hurt. He is definitely in a dark place.
He is now insulting me and bringing up my lack of job as a choice. It is a choice, actually. Temporarily. I know what I need to do for me and my S18s. I know I'll survive during this gift of time.
But my reasons and my plans are none of his business anymore, and I don't feel like explaining my plan to a crazy person who doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me. He gave up the right to knowing my business when he deemed his affairs none of mine.
I figured it was best to not feed it.
I think he is spinning and spinning about this because for the first time, I told him what D would mean for our friendship.
He has consistently said many many times, he doesn't want to fight. This is obviously very important to him. That we can still be friends. He did this again today, only now, he has drawn up papers.....online D-in-a-box. He sees only the black and white.
That's when I replied that no, our friendship will change if you D me. He flipped out.
That's when the spew got worse. He also, like a child...."resigned" his word game. Seriously. Took his ball and went home.
I think I put a stop to the spew. I finally sent:
M: I saw that you resigned from the game. If you are upset, that's ok. I'm not going to fight with you.
H: you said we can't be friends
M: Things will change if we are D. There is more to discuss but now it's not the right time.
H: I don't know what else there could be
M: You may be right. There may not be anything else. But you can at least give me the decency to go through this in person.
H: Sure. I really don't know what else there is to even discuss, Let me know when
I am off to the ortho with D13. Not responding to that.
I'm open to suggestions on what to do/where to go with this next.
I feel better already after writing this out. Things pass quicker now. (I had several inappropriate analogies that I will refrain from typing. You may laugh hysterically anyway, in their absence).
I'm sorry. I think many of us can relate -particularly to the "we can still be best friends, right ?" Nope. Xh even said, " I want everything to remain the same except I no longer desire a romantic R with you." Again, the key is to focus on you.
In regards to an online D, honestly, if dividing your *assets* is fairly easy, then it could be a good choice. Especially since you don't have kids together. I know this may not be comforting, although there isnt a need to drag something out that your h feels he * needs* to move on. And those are *his* feelings to keep pushing forward. I witnessed that too.Yes, they all bring up petty garbage that has nothing to do with anything. It's just what they do.
Can I ask you a question? What do you want to discuss with him? And I don't mean that harshly. Oh I know text isn't really the way to hammer out the division of assets:-) Do you think if you talk with him that you will *see* something or change his mind? I'm just asking because it's understandable. You are a very compassionate person and I get the impression you still think that (at least right now) you can show him you love him and will stick by him. I say that with kindness and because you seem like such a wonderful person. Your h is no longer the h you knew, though. However, you don' t have to defend your choice to have a certain type of R with him if you D. Remember , you can't rationalize or logic with crazy. His journey. Let him go. Don't engage with nutty.
Sending you a hug !
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/07/1406:34 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
hey S, I only have a few moments right now. I am sorry he is spewing but not at all surprised.
His life is not looking at all like he thought it would. It's making him spin. So now, he has to really get rid of you. Yea, thats it, that will do it....NOT! But that is his mindset.
Please do not engage...like the word game thing. Just ignore what you can. You cant fight the trajectory of this right now. He has to do this in his mind.
No need to answer all of that because nothing you say will make a difference.
I agree with G, not sure what meeting in person will accomplish except more spew.
He is trying to get you to hear him. Since to him it seems like you arent....he is yelling louder.
If he wants to divorce, let him do what he needs to do. Dont help it along, but, dont try to fight it either. That will only make him dig in deeper.
I am sorry this hurts. I am sorry he is in crisis. I know without a single doubt that you will get through this.
He is in bad shape right now. His mind is going a mile a minute. Get off the ride...
I have been working through accepting this part of the process for a while. Only recently have I truly "got it" that it is another layer he needs to destroy to get where he can even see past blame. It may not even be enough. But, yeah... He's now bent on this.
I requested the in person with no expectation of him agreeing. I have no new information for him. He knows how I feel. I don't even feel the need to reiterate.
For one, he is very confused and had made several "clerical" mistakes since before his suicide attempt. I am pretty sure there will be some level of clarification and missed assets from a document he drew from the internet. I don't feel he is out to get me on purpose, but I don't trust his accuracy. So, some of the meeting would be to save time since there will be stuff to figure out.
Another part of the request, knowing he may not agree? Was that I feel I deserve that respect. Going forward, for me, I need to be clear on what I want. And ask for what I believe I deserve. In rediscovering my own self-respect, I know I deserve the respect of discussing this in person vs. text messaging. He may choose to decline, and that's ok. But I'm still going to ask for myself. I'm worth that, as it turns out. .
Hey Shining, Yeah, I get his "D will be no big deal" crap. I got it too. How "easy" it will be, how it won't have ANY negative effect on the kids (in fact because she will automatically become "happy" once the D is final, she will be a "better" mother than she is now!), how I will find out that I will be happier without her myself, on and on. They think that just because they want it to be that way, it will be. Remember this is from someone who experienced her parents unbelievably bad D that took over 10 years because of her fathers trying to keep her mother from getting a penny ...and almost succeeded! You would think she would know better, but, like everyone says, they just don't see reality.
When my w started the D she had this vision of us being all friendly and "co-parenting", spending holidays together because she will be so happy, etc. Even when she told me that she had seen a lawyer a week after telling me she wasn't going to and she had no intention of filing for D, she actually thought I'd be "happy" that she went and that now she could answer all my questions. She was actually shocked that I was upset that she had lied to me. Part of MLC is that they just don't understand why anyone could possibly not see how "right" they are. How they just have no choice but to do what they are doing.
Shining, just keep in mind there is no possible way to have any kind of "normal" R with your H. There comes a point where you have to understand that all that it takes to set them off is for you to not just agree with whatever they say. Think about that. Could you ever be "friends" with someone who goes crazy and starts spewing at you just because you disagreed with them about anything? Of course not. In their world there is no "give and take" and if you don't just roll over and say OK about anything, you become the evil person who doesn't want them to be "happy". It's not about you, it's about him.
Who knows what set him off this time. In fact, it doesn't matter. He will find a "reason" until he gets what it is he thinks he "needs" to be happy and nothing you do will change that. You told him that you won't be his "friend" if he files for D. Well, now that makes you "bad". He just can't see or care about what you are going through. Like a child he only sees that you won't give him what he wants so he's going to take his ball and go home (like you said).
You are handling it well. Stay strong. You know what the truth is whether he see's it or not.
