Interesting last few days. I broke into my W's phone again and found a text between her and the OM. He said "I think your roommate is dictating your timeline" to which my W replied " Why do you say that ?" He responded "Just the feeling I get from when we talk." She typed back "I am scared that's all. Scared you won't be there. Which I know isn't fair" He said "I love you baby" and she said "I love you too." He then wrote back "What's scary? Admitting you may or may not have made a mistake? Or the chance that you may be a single mom and not dating?"
I did not see her response to this.
Last night I asked my W about her meeting me on Thursday to meet with a divorce mediator. She got mad and asked why I broke into her phone again, which she said was her deal breaker. I told her that I saw her type in her code (literally from 40 ft away) and decided to look. I asked her about the texts and she basically denied everything. I asked "can you explain why you said that you loved him" and she said "I don't remember saying that." I also found a bunch of photos of him on her phone plus photos of them together.
When I showed these to her and read the text to her, she said I would not understand and continued to say that I was a control freak, cyber stalker and that is why she wants to divorce me. I laughed at that comment and said that her A is the issue. I reiterated that I want to work on our M but I will not share my W with anyone else. She continued to say that there was nothing going on between them. Later she said that they were just super close and comforting each other b/c they both are in bad marriages. She continues to insist that he is married with two young kids (I am 95% sure that he is not).
Effectively, she said that she sees no hope in our M. I said that I see no hope either as long as she is in an A and that unfortunately, our only avenue is to pursue a D. It is not what I want, but I will not share my W with anyone else.
By the morning, she was much calmer (neither of us really slept) and she said she does not want to D and destroy our family. I said that I did not want that either but we need to move off of square one, which clearly is a deal breaker for both of us. I want to trust my W and do not want her having any contact with the OM and she said that I cannot dictate with whom she texts, calls, etc.
She also starting spewing all kinds of nonsense at me about our past and things that I did or did not do. I told her that I take responsibility for my past and am working on my issues. In her mind, our M was over so the A is not related.
Based on the context of her text to the OM, I believe that she told him that she wants to cool things a bit while she considers what she wants to do. Last night did not help my situation. She clearly wants both of us in her life while she makes her decision. I told her today when I left that until she fully commits to our M, I have no choice but to pursue a D.
While being divorced from my W breaks my heart, I know that I will survive. I really feel for my kids and frankly am angry at my W for not working on our M. If we worked at it and it just did not work out, I could part as friends. But simply giving up when we have two beautiful kids together is ridiculous.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Based on the context of her text to the OM, I believe that she told him that she wants to cool things a bit while she considers what she wants to do.
Yeah, I was afraid of that, Sho. I'm so sorry, but I think in your gut you knew this was probably the case, didn't you?
Time to move forward with your life. Whether or not she changes course and decides to try and join you again is out of your control, and totally her call. I pray you will still have feelings for her when that day comes, and that you'll play your cards right at that key moment.
I am going forth with pursuing the D. I would like to do mediation to keep it nice. I know that she is so hesitant because of the kids. She even said to me "do people just stay unhappy in their Ms for their kids?" I said some might but that I don't want that. I am not going to stay in a M when I am unhappy and neither should she. We can work on it and I believe that we have a great chance at a great M, but it will take a leap of faith.
Nothing I say will make her stop the A. Perhaps her love for her kids will get her there. That is my only hope. Right now, she has no love for me. She cares about me but does not love me.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I know it seems that way (that she doesn't love you) Sho, but my wife -- just 5 days before we reconciled -- was telling her OM that "no one ever did it for you the way you do," and throwing multiple ILYs at him. Five days later, she cries tearfully to me "You're my HOME!"
She's messed up. I'm not saying to make your decisions based on what we each might GUESS is in her heart, rather than by her actions/decisions . . . clearly, you need to do the latter, and I agree that you're probably at that point. I'm just saying don't totally close off your heart to her, and try to give grace as you move forward. You never know what the future may hold -- 20% of divorced couples re-marry even, with an overwhelming majority of those reporting that their new marriage is better than it ever was before.
I know somewhere deep down she loves me but her heart is closed off due to the A. I take some solace from the fact that her text clearly was not "I want to be with you forever" but more "I need to cool things here, I am super confused."
I just spoke with a mediator. She asked if MC was a possibility. I said not as long as she is in the A.
My W is hurting big time. She is mentioning things from years ago that I did not realize had hurt her. We cannot move forward until she lets go of that hurt and pain, forgives me and tries to work on our M. And I think (i know, mind reading) that the A provides her some comfort while she is hurting. And as long as she thinks our M is over, in her mind, why not continue with the A.
So yeah, I feel pretty hopeless overall. Like I said before, I really feel for my kids. They do NOT deserve this. They deserve two parents working on their M, not running away from it.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
My W is hurting big time. She is mentioning things from years ago that I did not realize had hurt her. We cannot move forward until she lets go of that hurt and pain, forgives me and tries to work on our M. And I think (i know, mind reading) that the A provides her some comfort while she is hurting.
Yes, I think many people who allow themselves to get caught up in affairs use them to "medicate" away assorted pains, resentments and emotional wounds. That's why the "introspection" part is so important -- for a wayward spouse to look inward and realize just WHY they chose this destructive route to deal with their pain, and what they might do differently in the future whether it's with their current spouse or some future relationship.
As much as the continued deceit and especially DISRESPECT eats at your heart (and I've been there -- it DOES), I believe at the end of the day it is this lack of seriousness and maturity . . . unwillingness to engage in meaningful introspection and then take actions to correct her destructive behaviors . . . . that signify that it's time for you to begin to move on.
She seems to be stuck in the mere "confusion" stage; in my opinion, she should be way beyond that by now and until she IS, I wouldn't want any part of her. Whether that "no part of" is a divorce or some sort of separated "standing for your marriage" is obviously completely up to YOU, as you (and your kids) have to live with the consequences of your decision. But your wife in her current state is toxic to your own emotional and even mental health, IMHO.
I hear you. She is in God's hands. Perhaps she wakes up in time and realizes how destructive her actions are to our family. If not, we will end up divorced. While I think about being patient and not pursue a D, I just don't have the strength to do that...
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
fwiw, I do think you've done everything you can do. You've clearly communicated your core boundaries, done "Plan A," you've done a soft "Plan B" and you've detached further and further, and she's still not responding.
Yeah, God's hands -- with a whoooole lotta of wayward wife's FREE WILL wrapped around the whole ugly thing.
when I detach, she definitely notices and tries to bring me back in. But she does not react enough to actually either admit the A or stop it. so my only option at this point is to D. If this gets the reaction that I want, great. It probably won't. She is so wrapped up in so much hurt from things in the past that she cannot see clearly. She just thinks we have no chance, we are so different, that I never wanted to be with her, etc.
What perplexes me is how she will not admit to the A with all of the glaring evidence. Text messages in which she says "I love you"to him, pictures of him on her phone, pictures of the two of them, tons of lies and secrets, etc.
Ironically, when I left today, we hugged (probably the first time in four months) and she squeezed me so hard.
Starsky, thanks for your support. you are a good man for doing this. Don't forget that.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
What perplexes me is how she will not admit to the A with all of the glaring evidence. Text messages in which she says "I love you"to him, pictures of him on her phone, pictures of the two of them, tons of lies and secrets, etc.
That's one of the reasons I think she does still love you. She compartmentalizes, in order to keep the "Shodan" room in her head firewalled from the "OM" room. It's how she allows her affair to continue despite her prior value system.
Or, she's just trying to spare you the add'l pain.
If she hated you, then she'd probably just finally cop to it (while telling you it's all your fault).
