Claire-- Is DB Worth it? Part 8

[Maybell]

I love it when my church experience (or yoga class) tackles the exact issues I'm working on. It is so validating. It wouldn't have mattered if your H had made it... He has to believe the message for it to become action.

Yup, he's a gd fool.

I wish I could say more, but I feel like lately my advice is of limited value. The release of anxiety is huge, though, and I hope you keep exploring how liberating at is.

How is your 5k training going? I started a thread for it...

[claire7]

Ugh, 5 K training is not going.
I never solved some of my post-pregnancy physical issues that interfere with running (don't mean to be TMI). But, the good news is that I am starting PT again next week. Going to also try to pick up a yoga class once a week, and maybe add in some treadmill walking or biking or weight training.

To be honest, I've struggled for the past year with my sleep habits. I fall asleep on the couch every night, and wake up somewhere between midnight and 1, and then get into bed. My alarm goes off at 5:30. My D often wakes up once/night. Sometimes I do, too. That part of my life is a bit of a mess, and I'm surprised at how well I'm functioning considering I *never* get a good full night's rest.

I am exhausted. I know I need to solve this, as sleep is the key to so many other parts of my healing.

I have such a block about it though.

Even after all.this time, I hate getting into bed. I got new sheets that I love, I have a candle that smells great. And I still hate getting into bed.

Clearly I've still got a lot of work to do.

I would also love some pointers on how to get more traffic to my thread. Maybe I don't spend enough time on other people's threads. I have to give more to receive more.

My BD anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, then my wedding the following week.

Still no more mediation meetings in the works, still in limbo.

Do I ever ask him when he plans to take the rest of his belongings out of the house? Or-- if we should begin splitting finances, especially if he is spending joint $$ on dating? Dare I say something like that to him?

I feel like the answer is always, no-- no R talks, just GAL and worry about yourself. Limbo is good.

But this unknown is scary. Maybe I need to make some moves, like get the house appraised.

Am I entitled to access to joint bank accounts or CC accounts? I can't see what he spends-- he controls access to all the accounts and pays the shared CC bill. He has another card on his own, and so do I.

Looks like I need to call Chuck and my L.
and I need to get some sleep.

[Ss06]

Claire,

The sleep thing is big for me, too. My D doesn't sleep well and neither do I. Like you, I took steps to make it a "dream space". New sheets, coverlet, plants on the night stands, turned the mattress, etc. It helped but didn't completely solve the problem. I'm contemplating rearranging the room to make it feel fresh and new. My motivation was H's comments on how he hated our house so I wanted to make it a fresh, new, comforting environment but I'm realizing the bedroom is really more about me being able to get rest and comfort.

Do you take Melatonin? It works well for me. I take it when I brush my teeth, read for about an hour and when the words start blending together, I switch off the light and fall asleep relatively quickly. For someone who has had insomnia for most of my life, I do anything that works though I don't like how prescription sleep aids make me feel.

Exercise, consistent exercise has also been helpful for me in that department. Yoga is HUGELY helpful. Inversions and yin type stretches are proven to help sleep troubles. I've actually started doing them with D in the hopes that they'll help calm her mind and help her sleep better, too.

I would talk to your L about whether it's a good idea to open a separate account so YOUR money isn't spent on dating. You can't control how he spends money he earns but you CAN control how your earned money is spent. I think after a year of all this, you're entitled to put your foot down in this area. Talk to Chuck though. I'm NOT a pro (clearly).

I, too, feel like the answer is always "no R talks, GAL and worry about yourself" but after a certain amount of time of that NOT working, aren't we supposed to do something different? Perhaps making financial changes would be a good 180 at this point. Plus, it might feel empowering to take back control of YOU. Why fund his A? How could that possibly be good DB?

I would also ask your A if he/she could put in a request for online passwords for the accounts/CCs. You are absolutely entitled to that since your money is in those accounts. In a way, this is you staking a claim on what is yours. That's sticking your neck out but in the end, if he wants a D, then this is how it works. It is one more step toward that but it's also you making it clear that you're not going to fund his extra curricular activities just because you want him back.

Him controlling access to everything puts you in the "doormat" category. Take back your power, Claire.

As far as his belongings, after a whole year, I'd throw (not nicely pack) his things in boxes, send him an email saying they are on the front porch and will be for a week, after that they are going to goodwill. Done. I wouldn't mess around there. It's not starting a fight. It's stating what you need. After a year, it could be argued that he's abandoned these things so they are yours to do with what you want. You're being KIND by packing (throwing) them in a box and giving him the opportunity to rescue them from goodwill. You are not the curator of his things while he lives his bachelor life. It's just one more way he's maintaining his plan B. Nope.

I've found that traffic to threads varies so much. A lot of it has to do with timing throughout the day and week. Hang in there.

I think of you often, Claire. You're handling things incredibly well. You are coming up on a "new year" type turn-over with the anniversary of BD and an opportunity to set some resolutions. What will they be?

[Bridge]

Claire,

Well, you're definitely getting plenty of traffic from me! I've been following your threads faithfully and I'm sorry to say I'm more of a lurker at the moment than a poster. In fact, I've been registered for several months, but I'm still on moderation b/c I've posted so little. But I definitely find reading about your situation and others extremely helpful and full of valuable advice. There is plenty of truth to DBing, particularly stopping behaviors that don't work, as I just learned this morning. Might post more details later.
Here's a link to my thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...630#Post2454630

Just wanted to let you know you have a reader. The strength you've shown through all of this is admirable and inspiring.

[Georgiabelle]

Claire,

Yes, you should have access to joint accounts. I don't know how the financials were handled prior to S, although I do know you should have access to anything joint.

In regards to his stuff, that's your call. Is it really bothering you? If so them you could put the stuff in boxes. If not, I wouldn't push on that. My xh hasn't even forwarded his mail and left his checkbook. Granted not too many checks written as everything pretty much is done online...still.

I think you are doing fine. What do you want input on? Again, I don't say that to be harsh. It feels like you are getting impatient and that's understandable. Limbo is difficult. However, right now your h doesn't want to be in a R with you and said he's dating. I'm not advocating dating-just recapping what has been stated. Please know that I don't say that to be hurtful although I do understand the pain you feel. I mean really. Who thought they would get married and their h would would be dating while M? However, this is where many people are.

What do you want to do? Your h knows you don't want a D and you want to R.

Hang in there! It sounds like you have made lots of great changes to a VIP-you!!!

[Maybell]

Claire, Georgiabelle said everything I was thinking.

But I also wanted to say... For a really long time I felt like I was sometimes hoping the vets would stop by, look at my sitch, and say, "Yes, you will reconcile with your husband, and it will be on this date and here is how it will happen." And of course that never did happen. Sometimes I wonder if that's what you're looking for? Because in my view you do get good traffic, and a ton of support from people who care about you. And when you post on other people's threads Starsky and 25 both agree with you. You know your stuff.

I wish your H would come around on your timetable, but as much as we'd like to, nobody here can be oracles. We are all pulling for you, though!

WRT the sleeping thing... can you rearrange your room, or move into a different room in the house for a little while? And failing that, I would make sending yourself to bed an intentional thing. Even if you don't like it, you've got to do it, so make it work for you, including by turning it into a discipline. And what Ss said is spot on.

Wish I could say more that was helpful, but I am rooting for you!!!

[claire7]

Just to clarify-- I have access to joint accounts, but I do not have access to his individual accounts which may or may not have co-mingled $$. I don't know.

And I definitely don't know how he's managing his brokerage accounts which are legally partly mine since he comingled the $$.

We haven't really discussed finances since BD-- all expenses have stayed status quo. In fact, he pays my cable/home phone bill-- I don't have access to that account! I will ask about that one.

He makes way more than me so financially it is probably in my best interest to keep things as is. He is paying most of the bills. I think he'd jump at the chance to move forward with separation if I drove it. But I suspect (mind reading) that he a) feels overwhelmed at work;; b) guilty and c) still a bit ambivalent -- afraid to move forward but afraid to move towards me.

But now that nearly a year has passed, you're right-- I have to face some realities. There have been some significant (small, but significant) positives lately...but is that enough? Dunno.

25years, wonka, labug--what do you think?

[KGirl]

Just wanted to chime in that I read your posts, almost all if not all of them But I usually don't have anything to say or give advice on. I have some of the same frustrations/questions re: limbo, when does it end, etc., that if I can't answer for myself I don't feel like I'd be a good resource for anyone else. Re: R talk, I've interpreted that to mean that conversations about financials and logistics are OK and necessary. Just not things that are solely about the R - "Where are you at with regard to us?" "Are you still thinking about D?" etc. Granted some of the logistical things are based on or imply something about the R so I'm careful to ask myself "Do I really need to ask about X or am I using it as a way to see where he's at with regard to us?" Re: the finances, maybe it starts with a question about whether or not there is any comingled money vs. solely his money. And even if it is solely his, wouldn't you be entitled to support or maintenance of some type given the big difference in income, so having some knowledge of it (mostly making sure it's not completely disappearing) is still appropriate? This is where an L's advice would come in handy, because if you were worried it was all being frivaled away, you could take steps to freeze it or disclose it. Not saying your H would do that but you hear stories about people who delay D so they can spend or hide assets. If what you are concerned about is "I don't want any of my money spent on his dating" maybe starting with simply asking if there is any joint money you don't have access to view is enough to start with, and go from there.

[Maybell]

Claire, I got this for Ahoy but when I saw it again I thought of you so I thought I'd share it. It comes from one of Labug's old threads. I originally posted it for T0324 but it resonates a lot for me today, for Ahoy, you, AND me:

If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"

If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.

Hope this helps...

[Wonka]

Claire,

Been away from the Boards for a while...sorry about that.

I want to comment about the bank thing:

If you are uncomfortable with H having access to joint accounts and controlling them, one suggestion is to open a bank account in your own name and have your checks DD'd into them. Then you'll have some control over how your money is managed because there's only ONE person on them. Something you might want to think about.

But now that nearly a year has passed, you're right-- I have to face some realities. There have been some significant (small, but significant) positives lately...but is that enough? Dunno.

25years, wonka, labug--what do you think?

I see a lot of the problems here is that many posters have this illusive "timetable" then when it comes and goes, they all become disillusioned with the process. This is why I strongly emphasize the importance to try and embrace the limbo by GALing for it takes your mind off of the sitch.

Make sense?

Back to your question. Is it enough for you? Are you looking at this as a zero sum game?

What do you think, Claire?