still waiting

[raliced]

Hi Ahoy-

Just to be clear - I'm not advocating staying in a sham marriage for the sake of the kids - I'm just saying I'm more motiviated to want to work on the marriage (I'm not going bck to that old marriage) because of the kids.

[South74]

Ahoy
I would like to give you a virtual cuddle after reading your last few posts .

My daughter is 12 so I'm not really looking forward to her turning a teenager and having to try and deal with it on my own . But will give it my best shot .

South

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy, I wish all of us on this site could meet once or twice a week because the support and caring goes beyond belief.. I find it amazing that the people on here have all these issues with thier R's. I understand that sometimes we (ME) realise to late after BD but I after reading some of your posts and the caring that clear in the your H must be in a fog !!! Whatever you decide, please take your time. My own twopence worth is that alot of these WAS seem to be in a MLC and once its reached it seems hard to get them back. I am far from an expert but form my own sitch , they seem to focus on ANY future without you. Stay strong and take care. RD500

[Ahoy]

Thank you all . . . it's so good to have the support. I will take my time. I know I am just hurting a lot right now and that makes me want to jump off the emotional roller coaster (by being done with him) but I will be patient, for my daughter's sake, for H's sake, for my sake. But I am losing hope. I feel like he is having a great time, enjoying his new life, and is just waiting until January so we can file the papers and be done so he can carry on his merry way without the guilt.

Honestly, it makes me want to go out and have a meaningless relationship with someone RIGHT NOW. But I'm not in my 20s anymore, and I'm not an idiot, and I know that wouldn't solve anything. And I know it would really be just to get revenge on crazy H, to have a secret of my own. It would destroy everything. But right now everything already feels so destroyed. I know there are rare examples of folks recovering from this, but they are so rare. I am just having a hard time thinking about feeling this way in limbo for the next three months (or longer). And for what?

[SunnyB]

Ahoy, there are two things that keep me going, even when I feel like I'm done. One is my kids. Two is the thought that even though I don't understand it, in all likelihood my H didn't just up and walk away, he was unhappy for a long time. Maybe he didn't deal with that unhappiness in a productive way, but it was there. If that's true, then how is it I'm ready to walk away so soon. That keeps me standing for now.

And boy do I know about teen and tween girls. I'm blessed with one of each at home at the moment.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy, my feelings exactly. I think thats what DR and DB boil down to, don't stay in limbo, move on with you. Your H will do whatever he will do. I have huge respect for you and understand your dilema. In my humble opinion, carry on with your GAL and all that entails, if the worst comes to the worst then know if and when you are ready for your next R, you will be a real catch and your H was a fool to lose you. Take care RD500

[Ahoy]

Thanks, rppfl. I know we're all in the same stinking boat right now. It helps to know I'm not alone, even though I'm sorry we're all having to go through this.

I need to do something to turn the corner today...

[raliced]

I feel like he is having a great time, enjoying his new life,

I doubt it. I'm sure he will have his happy moments - but no way is it always a great time. I notice that quite a few of the WAH threads that are going on currently describe a husband who is still gone - but who are conflicted and confess to not being particularly happy.

I know there are rare examples of folks recovering from this, but they are so rare. I am just having a hard time thinking about feeling this way in limbo for the next three months (or longer). And for what?

Is it really that rare? I deal in data and analysis all day long - and I confess it drives me crazy that there are no reliable statistics about any of this (I can't help it - its how I'm made). I saw one the other day that said 70% of all separated couple get divorced, which I found to be depressing. Then I got to thinking- what does that really mean? Does that include all the situations where a spouse moved out, and the other one immediately filed for divorce in anger? My guess is that there is some difference between WAWs and WAHs, but that doesn't get split out, how many of those people do nothing constructive to help the situation? I guess my long winded point is - there's no apples to apples comparison to what we as individuals are going through - so who know how rare it really is?

[Ahoy]

True! Thank you for those insights, raliced. I do need to think about the situation more objectively (and less emotionally). I saw that same percentage about separated couples getting divorced, and also found it depressing. I am doing EVERYTHING I possibly can to help get us in the 30%. I'm am DBing my butt off. All of my interactions with H since I started DBing (two weeks after BD) have been almost exactly what is recommended. Right now I am failing in my detachment, obviously, since I'm so emotional right now. But I'm not sharing these emotions with H, and am continuing with him "as if."

But I know it might all be for naught. And it drives me crazy that I can't just tell him exactly how I'm feeling, and how daughter is feeling. Because I know if would drive him further away. There is no honesty in the relationship. He won't be honest with me, and I can't be honest with him right now (because he doesn't want to hear it, and I'm not supposed to talk about R). So I just smile and act like life is grand when I feel like I'm dying inside, and I just don't know how long I can keep that up, truly. But I'm trying.

[Ahoy]

Also, thanks rd for the kind words. I know this journey is supposed to be about me -- even more than about restoring the M. Must. Remember. That.