Not much progress

[PeterV2]

As for her LLs. When she's receptive, have some light conversation with her, occasionally giving her a light touch on the arm, or brushing the hair out of her eyes, IDK. But keep it casual and light. Keep a smile on your face. And look her in the eyes when listening to her.

[u-turn]

Hey Dawgy - just checking in.
I was thinking about those that have helped me and that I have read about as we go into another weekend and time keeps ticking.

I hope your are keeping up the fight!!

[dawgy]

Need some support today gys / gals . Feeling sad that things dont seem to be getting any better . My feelings seem to be changing which is very hard . I knew that if she carried on this A too long it would wear me down . Im so affraid of losing my marriage , Im so affraid of the impact on my sons . But I look at her now and I feel shame , resentment and anger towards her . Shes gone, The beautiful woman I loved a year ago has disappeared . I prayed and prayed she wouldnt carry on too long to make me not love her anymore but it feels like it is happening . How can I keep the love alive while shes putting me through this ???

[dawgy]

No support on the forums yesterday , but Im still hanging on. This morning was bad she told me it was over . Not sure why shes still under our roof .I had a major backslide on Saturday .Seen her at the supermarket loading the groceries in the car while the OM was standingtheir beside her . I had one of my sons with me . He said " Dad whos that guy there with mom ? " I pulled in and jumped out and began to assalt him , then to make matters worse my son jumped in and got a few licks in also . Shes been very distant towards me and my son now . I told my son it was a misunderstanding. I didnt tell him that he was the man his mother has be cheating with for the last 10 months . Its a mess and I feel like throwing in the towel . But Im no quitter , but my emotions have been on high for so long .. Dawgy

[CaliGuy]

Dawgy ... I get it ... I do

But everytime you assult OM, you distance yourself from your W ... and bring her and OM closer together ... she will only end up afraid of you and become more nurturing towards him. I hope you have read the books, and the forums ... you hav eto let the A play out and die its natural death .... doing these things will only prolong it.

[Tarheel]

I pulled in and jumped out and began to assalt him , then to make matters worse my son jumped in and got a few licks in also .

Whooaa, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that doesn't help your case. Get control of yourself man.

If your W continues to carry on an A, you have two choices:
1) If you're ok with living in an open M and waiting this out, you need to work on your detachment. This mean no more confronting OM. You work on yourself and display to your W that you are the better man. Are you honestly surprised that she's been distant since you assaulted OM? Do you think that earned her respect/love?

2)If you decide that you are not willing to live in an open M, you have to put your foot down. Decide what that means to you and post here first so the vets can help you separate ultimatums from boundaries. But starting down the D path is an option you'll have to strongly consider.

Trust me Dawgy, I understand the anger towards OM (and your W). I almost ran into OM at the grocery a few weeks back (he didn't see me) and I honestly couldn't tell you how I would have reacted had we made eye contact. Strongly consider the 2 options above, then post your decision here so that you can get guidance on your next steps. Like you, I tried a compromise of the 2 (I'm not ok with the A, but I don't want a D) for the longest time and it just portrayed me as weak, controlling, insecure...you name it.

[SunnyB]

Dawgy ... I get it ... I do

But everytime you assult OM, you distance yourself from your W

Dawgy, I'm glad someone understands you, because I'm sorry, I just don't. What is assaulting someone accomplishing here? Are you setting a good example for your son in how to deal with people? Are you making your W feel safe and loving towards you? If I were in your W's shoes, I'd run like the wind and take S with me. I'd be afraid one of us was next.

[dawgy]

With all do respect Rppfl , thats a crazy way to think . Im in essence trying to chase the OM away just like a male lion or buck deer when another male is trespassing in his territory . I would never hurt my family in anyway . Conversely to me I was protecting them from the predator and thats how i look at it . Now that being said i do agree that it was the wrong thing to do but my instincts took over and the male lion in me was chasing away the competition . Watch some nature programming . We humans are civilized yes but not so different from our animal friends . I know Im gonna catch a load of critisism for this but thats precisely what i need to help me . One thing my son learned was his father is no push over and he stands up and protects his family . If the wife want to nuture the OM , so be it .Its her life shes throwing away . And all do respect to DBing practices things were not working for me anyway . She was still carrying on the A and things were still spiraling downward for my family sitch . keep the feedback coming , its much appreciated . And by the way , I did what most men on here want to do to their wives OM . I finally snapped , and it felt good Dawgy

[SunnyB]

With all do respect Rppfl , thats a crazy way to think . Im in essence trying to chase the OM away just like a male lion or buck deer when another male is trespassing in his territory .

Dawgy, I'll readily admit that I may be crazy. And I do understand being angry. It's the physical assault I don't get.
With all due respect, your W has made it pretty clear she is no longer "your territory". If OM were physically attacking your wife - or anyone else- sure, go ahead and be the protector. That would be right. But loading groceries in the car?

Maybe most men do want to beat up someone in a parking lot. But they don't.

[Card29]

I'm confused. You say it was wrong yet you defend it based on what a primitive animal would do. I'm pretty sure most of the murders in our inner cities happen from this mentality- protecting turf, etc. I don't think we should get into an origins debate here, but whether one believes we were specially created, intelligently evolved or blindly evolved, almost every leader of any of those views agrees that we should be beyond out primitive instincts.

Hey, I also don't blame you for your reaction. If I caught my W with OM, i might do the exact same thing no matter how sure I was that it is wrong. Who knows how much it hurt your sitch as a one-time occurrence, but I would do everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen again. If even the threat of it continues to exist, it will hurt any chance you have with WAW, and it will teach your S to solve problems with violence and emotion.

I think you need to go completely dark until the situation is resolved- either she leaves OM or you finalize a D and then you have enough time to cope. My FIL cheated on my MIL 18 years ago. He is still with OW, has been married to her for 16 years. MIL was betrayed for no good reason and rightfully was devastated. But she never dealt with it in a healthy way. She clung to the anger because she felt she deserved it. The sustained anger has done so much more damage to her than the actual A, IMO. She is miserable most of the time, even though she almost never sees her ex-H and NEVER sees OW. Who knows how long this A will last, but right now, detachment, no contact and finding your happiness independently is the best thing for your self in the short and long term, best for our S, and best for your M's chances. You have been betrayed in one of the worst ways imaginable. Your WAW has done a terrible thing. You didn't deseve it regardless of the problems leading to it. But don't set yourself on fire to get smoke in someone else's eyes. You do not want to live a life like that

Angry outbursts in most cases will drive her further into his arms. Many women could even feel insulted, like you think it is OM's fault and she is just a dumb animal to be won by the conquering male. Who knows if your WAS has that reaction.