still waiting

[25yearsmlc]

I am not sure how I'll feel about this next week or month, but If I were in your shoes,

and If my h asked me if I was dating...IN THIS MOMENT,

I MIGHT say one of the following...

1) "no one seriously at the moment;"

2) "I'm not in a committed R YET"...

3) "Yes"....(say not a single additional word, but move on to another topic)

4) "not one particular person"

5) "nothing serious, at this point"...

6) "well of course" (again, not a word should follow)

7) "I'd rather not say right now"/"Not ready to discuss that"/

8) "Do we have to have another R talk now?"

9) "I'm trying Not to date for now..."

10) "Yes I'm dating but it's hard to narrow down to one
(you know that feeling")

FYI I am not suggesting you use any of these^^...I'm just saying, I might...

[Maybell]

Ahoy, 25, your interactions are really helpful for me. and very nicely timed concept of dating yourself. I know I've heard that idea more than once, but I think today I'm finally starting to get it.

[Ahoy]

Had a rough night with D14. She has been acting like a typical teenager (lying about tech use and homework), but I just am not up to the task of parenting a teen some days. I get plenty of lying and disrespect from her father, thank you very much. To feel that I'm losing her (meaning the distancing thing that all teens go through) is just too much for me right now. So we had a big blow up. And then thank goodness I talked to my sister, who spoke with both of us by phone and got us to realize we were both struggling with the same thing and that we should be there for each other. D wrote me a heartbreaking note about how she loved me, and would pick me if she had to (even though I'm not asking her to pick sides and would never do so), and that she is injured by her dad's actions.

She hasn't opened up about her feelings much in the past few weeks, so I'm glad that she's letting me know how she is feeling, even though it is difficult to hear how much she is hurting. She says her dad never asks her how she's doing. She also asked if I would go with her to confront him to see why he is doing what he's doing, why he did it so quickly, and who is this woman whose picture is on his computer screen? I told her I couldn't do that because it would push H further away. But if she wants to ask him questions, that's up to her. I just can't get involved. She said she understood, though she sounded disappointed.

As for the whole photo of possible other woman -- it's not like I didn't have suspicions, but it's still disappointing. And so freaking typical. Good riddance to him!

I give up.

[Ahoy]

Maybell, I'm glad my interactions have been of help in some way to someone. I'm not doing so well right now. Feel like I blew it with my daughter yesterday a bit, although we are in a more honest place with each other now.

I am struggling the way you were a few days ago.

On the one hand, I DO NOT want to ever be with H again. EVER. I do not like the person he has become and cannot respect the choices he's making. He does deserve happiness, and he should absolutely be free to make choices that serve his happiness in his life, but the way he has gone about this is causing so much harm to me, and more importantly to our daughter, that I will never be able to see him in the same way again. And certainly never trust him. So what's the point? Why am I fighting to save a M I don't even want? Out of fear? Out of a need to "win"? Out of a desire to keep our family intact at the expense of my own need for a real loving, trustworthy partner? I need to be done with him. Really, really done.

[Jefe]

I feel for you Ahoy. My WAW just left here to take the girls to school and I'm sitting here trying to figure out who this woman that was just in my house was. I forget who called it the alien abduction, but it sure is.

I hate that you're in this place. That husband put you here. Keeping the family intact is a noble and the most worthy cause of all. Too bad he doesn't feel the same way. I have no words of wisdom. Just empathy for your current state. Just remember, YOU'RE the one who's following the correct path. You get to keep your chin up. No matter what you choose at the point, you wont be the one with blood on your hands.

Praying for you.

[raliced]

Good Morning Ahoy,

Whenever I see Ahoy, I think of Mr Burns on the Simpsons, who occasionally greets people with "Ahoy-Hoy".

First of all, I think you handled a 14 year old about as well as you can. I've wished often in the last couple of months that H would have at least waited to meltdown until my girls were older, and you just made me realize there is no "better" time for this. There's also no perfect script for this and no way for you to take away her pain. She's luck to have you,

Just a blunt question - how many of your feelings today do you think are related to your daughter's revelation about the woman on your H's computer? Suspecting is one thing, actual evidence is something completely different. And it takes a while to absorb.

You're the only one who knows if your marriage is worth standing for. You had mentioned waiting until the end of the year. Coincidentally, I have a similar timeline. I know some posters have cautioned against timelines, but I think giving yourself this minimum amont of time to really decide what you want to do is important. As you have noted, our feelings change frequently, day by day.

I hear you. Frankly, I am repulsed by my own husband right now. I can't believe the things he has done and the person who he has become. And even if he started making better decisions, I'm well aware he will never be the sweet man that I married again. You can't leave your family and have affairs without it changing you permanently. Who knows what he will look like when he comes out of the tunnel.

Everyone is different. For me, I have three reasons for trying to stick it out. I genuinely believe it would be better for my children. My rational mind remembers that we once had a joyous and loving marriage (even though I am long way from feeling that way about him now). And I truly believe he's sick, and that part was covered in the vows.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, today Ahoy - wish I could give profound advice. Hang in there. You'll have a better day soon.

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Jefe. I needed to hear that. Struggling a lot today. Praying for you as well.

[Ahoy]

raliced -- you are right -- some of the pain I'm experiencing is tied up in the idea that there is proof of OW -- and even more because he would leave it on his computer where D could see it. I've felt all along that there was an OW, but you're right that the confirmation is difficult. But it does make more sense than the other nonsense reasons he provided. On the other hand, I'm glad for the clarity because I would hate to think that my marriage could be ruined by me simply "not hosting enough parties" (one of my H's reasons why our marriage was so impossible).

Your reasons for waiting are right -- and they are the same reasons I am waiting at least until January. I know that both H and I are on emotional roller coasters (although he never shows his emotional side to any of our friends or to me or daughter), so I don't trust our decision making at this point.

However, I think, for my own sake, I need to be done with him in my heart. If things change, I'll be open to that, but for now I have to tell him goodbye -- not to his face of course. But in my heart and mind I have to say goodbye and REALLY detach. Basically, in my mind, the H I had is dead. This new person is a stranger with whom I have to figure out how to coparent. I can be friendly, but that is all.

I think maybe I should stop accepting his invitations to do things together for a while. I need some space away from him.

I really appreciate the words of support. I'm in a low spot at the moment.

[Jefe]

Everyone is different. For me, I have three reasons for trying to stick it out. I genuinely believe it would be better for my children. My rational mind remembers that we once had a joyous and loving marriage (even though I am long way from feeling that way about him now). And I truly believe he's sick, and that part was covered in the vows.

Raliced,
One of the leaders in our church, when people asked about staying together for the kids, always says: "What better reason is there?"

Ahoy, not trying to lead you. This is just one viewpoint. I can say this, however; Don't make life decisions when you're in a fog. That's exactly what the WAS does and it usually ends up with extra pain down the road.

This too shall pass.

[Ahoy]

I plan to wait until at least January, and I'll be open to waiting a few more months after that if need be, but I think by January I'll need to know if he intends to work on the relationship or not. Not promising that we'll get back together, just do the work to see what's possible. And be honest.

As for staying together for the kids, I'm not sure how I feel about that. If he returned just for my D's sake then I think that we would probably just divorce as soon as she graduates, and I would have wasted more time with him when I could be out enjoying life on my own or with someone else. If he comes back to work on our relationship, I want it to be because he wants to be with me. I'm sad that daughter might have a broken family, but that is H's choice, and she understands this. I'm not blaming him, but she knows that this separation is his doing.