A New Day

[Matt165]

Hi LT,
Glad to hear that your W is starting to respond to meds and IC. Sorry that today is the final day of your M. I'm very close now myself and am NOT looking forward to it. Not sure how your W can blame your parents but I know how hard they look for "reasons" other than their own issues. My W also has a very bad attitude about our home and "hates" it, only she is no longer willing to walk away from it and is trying to get as much money as possible out of me. Money has always been a big trigger in her depression and while she is doing well financially, she acts as if she has no money and is constantly worried. Just yesterday she refused to help out D15 with something for school saying she didn't have $125 she needed. It broke my heart that I couldn't help her.

We are in much the same position you and I. I have a call set up today and will find out when I will get started at my new job. I really need to get that part of my life settled so I can begin to move on.

Good luck in court today. Just know that you have done and are doing everything possible to save your M. I have learned that while your S is fixated on D being the "answer", there really isn't anything you can do that will slow them down, let alone stop them. You did all you could.

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks Job and Matt,

Well that part is now done. 2 hours waiting and 15 minutes before the judge. I was there first followed by my wife. When she arrived, my wife came up and started to talk to me and then suggested we could get a seat while waiting on lawyer arrival. We actually had a good conversation. First in a long time. She has greatly improved on this medication. Time will tell.

Today at least will remove the fixation on divorce. She has walked away from a lot today including a great husband. I have to just keep moving forward and onto next phase of dbing. I can now get on with things without the courts hanging over everything. Now I can finish the house without any interference while planning my future.

I will say I was sad and did get a bit choked up today.

Matt, I believe today was the same as pulling off a bandaid quickly exposing the scab. The scab is now exposed. We will have to wait and see if it heals. If you can hammer out an agreement, Matt, the court part is really a small thing. It will relieve you of a lot and maybe allow you to focus on the future and leave the past in the past.

[Vapo]

LT, hang in there buddy... We know how it is, not a lot of people do...

[123Gwen]

Nothing to add except I am sorry LT. Truly sorry---

[uRworthy]

I am sorry, LT. I know that isnt what you wanted.

But yes, it is a part of the process they some of them need to go through.

You are doing great.

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I believe it is uR. I also know I still have much to work on. Today is my worst day since Thursday court event. I got mail from bank that has our second mortgage. Apparently the account it was drawing from has changed by adding a $16.95 month charge. Wife got notice of change and did not inform me. Not only did they charge $5 per day for almost a month because the $16.95 was not in the account, but when I put the money in to cover the mortgage like I have for almost 2 years the drew the charges from it first leaving almost no money to cover the mortgage. So now I have a $30 late fee on that as well. So I am a bit upset and have to see what the bank will do now that we are divorced. Worst case is I will close the account and let them come after me to get the mortgage payment.

So even now she has hurt me by her refusal at times to communicate unless it is about her needs. I wish it were not so cold today or I would go for a walk.

So, yes I still have work on myself to not allow her to affect me by her actions.

[Vapo]

My dear LT, you are hurting, I see you, I feel your pain... We could be brothers, you and me, similar ages, our respective Ws similar age, our children similar ages, I have a D(5) and a S(3). My BD was 2 months earlier than yours.

DETACH, GAL, 180 and be the best dad in the world for your kids. Don't think about your W, she currently does not give a rat's derrier about you. She is not the same person you knew, this person now you do not know, and trust me, you do not want to know!

It will get better, I promise you, just focus on you and your kids, try to live like she is a neighbor. Be civil, but nothing more. Always have your game face on, let her wonder why you are happy (even if you are not). Do not show feelings around her, if you are overwhelmed, cry in private, tears do wash and clean your soul. Stay busy and keep your mind off her. She is not worth your brain power. I am sure you have a ton of stuff you always wanted to do. Guess what, now you have the time. Go do stuff. Being single in a refreshing change after 15yrs. It will feel weird at first, but I am loving it now. Movies for 1? Why not? Having a beer too many with friends from time to time? Why not? The battle axe is not around to give you a hard time... Liberate your soul, the hurting does no one any good. She will not just snap out of it, she will not come running to your arms tomorrow. Now that you have time, analyze your shortcomings in the M and own your $hit as well. I know you were not the perfect H. Admit it to yourself, own your $hit, forgive yourself and improve yourself. Become the guy only an idiot would leave.

And to wrap it up, go to joelosteen.com, go under messages and have a look at the video release control. 30 minutes you will not regret. Go now, do, BE!

[daring]

LT- I'm sorry to hear the D has gone through. I'm not far behind you.
The money issues are so frustrating! I'm dealing with the same thing right now and its crazy how oblivious they are.
Hope you are able to GAL and hang with your kids to keep focused on the positives. That scab will heal in time.

[TSquared2]

Hey LT,

I'm right behind you on the D thing, most likely end of month it'll be final. My sitch parallels this:

Today at least will remove the fixation on divorce. She has walked away from a lot today including a great husband. I have to just keep moving forward and onto next phase of dbing. I can now get on with things without the courts hanging over everything. Now I can finish the house without any interference while planning my future.

I will say I was sad and did get a bit choked up today.

Matt, I believe today was the same as pulling off a bandaid quickly exposing the scab. The scab is now exposed. We will have to wait and see if it heals. If you can hammer out an agreement, Matt, the court part is really a small thing. It will relieve you of a lot and maybe allow you to focus on the future and leave the past in the past.

It is a bittersweet thing, but in the end, there's no other way if they are so fixated on divorce as their key to finding...whatever it is they are looking for...

Like you, I get the house, the kids almost all the time, and the debt ...but I should be able to dig out of that within a couple years now that I have only my spending to deal with and control, lol.

Hang in there!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi T2,

Its funny how a bunch of us are coming to this point about the same time. I can say today at a week out that it has been anti climatic. The best thing is that now the courts and lawyers our out of my life and nothing in regards to the D is unresolved. So it is a great weight off the shoulders. I did find that it is easier to manage expenses without her being involved and spending money before bills are paid on non essentials.

I also believe it is a fresh start. The old marriage is over. The spouse can either find something else to fixate on as the cause of the unhappiness or get over it at this point. Time will tell. It also seems to bring more clarity to continue my own changes as well as what she would have to do before I would ever consider a new marriage with her. So, it was not the results I initially wanted, but I believe there is a silver lining in it.