He said he prefers all my kids off of he policy. "I want S18 name off my insurance". Those were the words. He had recently said that he is still very bothered by some things my S18 did in the past....like a year ago. (The same S18 who found H and took care of him during H suicide attempt).
Time to get over yourself, buddy. Grow the f-up.
So, even if I'm not to blame for H problems, he is going to blame what was a high school kid for his unhappiness. Real mature. Sure gives away a lot of his own power to a kid, huh....
Been there, done that. D20 has been scapegoated on many occasion by Smokey. I know how hard it is to watch in disbelief as they alienate the kids. When I have more energy, I will post more...It definitely puts more pressure on the parent left behind...us. Good thing we are AWESOME :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just checking on you. Seems to be a rough weekend for him, but glad you fought off your temptations to call. You sound good, even though there are moments of frustration, anger and sadness.
I don't have any advice. Keep up the positive attitude!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
H just called for details. I explained what was done, told him that our insurance was reduced by $50 after adding my S18 car back on, and removing his S21.
I then told him I will be removing both S18s from the insurance in one month. The amount then goes down approximately $200.
I added, that after S18s move, I will look into my own policy with S16, and then, H, you can be all by yourself.
H said, "well, let's just wait and see what makes the most sense at the time."
Interesting, though....as we were discussing the policy, and H D19 being off of it since August.... He didn't mention her wreck from Saturday night. Not one word. Because everything is perfect in his world, or so he would prefer to have me believe......
Ok, emotionally I'm doing alright... But the recent and drastic change in communication, barely hearing anything from H is bothering me. Like, a lot. I know it shouldn't.
I'm catching myself making up reasons for the quiet, wondering what he's doing, or if something happened, knowing it doesn't matter.
It's different, though. I'm not panicked. I'm not snoopy. No.....it's more like, I'm hoping he's not in pain. I'm hoping he's taking care of himself. I tell myself he will do what he does. Then I try to distract myself and move on to something...anything else.
Kids and I ate dinner together, which was nice. They were laughing and making up poems about potatoes...doesn't everyone?
Then they googled poems about potatoes, and lo and behold, they do exist. This turned into a full-on poetry reading. It was all silly poems I had never heard. Until S16 started reading one that sounded a bit familiar....a dramatic reading of the lyrics to the theme from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
Tomorrow D13 gets another phase of braces.... So we got pie. It made sense at the time. Don't judge.
I'm heading out for a walk to get my mind off of H. It is hard not to reach out. But I won't. I simply feel the need to complain about the struggle.....and hope for a "me too" of validation.
I'm glad you are going for a walk and I'm glad you had a poetry reading/recital at dinner. Potato poems are the best.
It's hard, isn't it? It's hard being "ON" for your kids all the time...even when you feel like your heart is being ripped out by a zombie.
In a sermon I was listening to the other day, I heard a commercial where a drug addict was discussing how...when he was using...he felt like a burned out house, like he had no soul.
I guess this is where we are grateful we still have our souls and our kids around us with their potato poems and vanity drawers they packed in the Uhaul.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow....to sit in and hear that. What an experience that must be. And to stay "detached" from your own experience?? How do you not personalize it.... I mean, I know, but still....you're human. It must be somewhat difficult to hear, both in the compassion sense and the heartbreak sense.
You know, Shining, to me knowledge is power and helping people fills me up. So, while I hurt for the people who share their stories, I am energied when I could empathize, when they get it, and when they feel heard and understood.
This really is such a heartbreaking thing to go through..on both sides.
The MLCer feels like he is sinking. He is tormented and depressed, feeling like he is swimming in mud with a weight on his back.
It's hard to remember that when they do the things they do and when they seem like they are happy in their life.
The spouse is left blindsided, having to pick of the pieces of their shattered life.
Tough, tough stuff.
Since we arent in a MLC, their words and actions really are foreign to us.
They are just trying to find something, some combination of things, to make them feel better.
One of the reasons you and I connected is because we both want to understand. We want it to make sense because it if does, then it's fixable. I get it. You know that.
The thing about this is that it just doesnt make sense...for a lot of reasons. Mostly it is personal to the person in it. Their life experiences, their ability to cope, their memories and pain. And so, no matter how we try, we arent in their skin, heart or head.
This doesnt go in a straight line. It goes round and through and round again.
Imagine feeling such pain that you destroy your family. Imagine being so lost that you become someone opposite of who you were.
Shining, you just have to trust. You have to believe in you. You have to take the chance to let him go with love.
There are no guarantees with this....except this one. If you look within, you will be forever changed.
He has to slay his demons. He has to go back and figure out where it went wrong. He has to want to get through this.
He knows you are there. He knows you love him. Trust me on that. He knows just where to find you for right now.
He is fighting with everything he has. I know it doesnt seem like it, but, he is. Whether he has the strength to get through it, only time will tell. But you want to give him the best chance. The best chance is for him to be unemcumbered and for him to not be looking over his shoulder at you. He needs all his energy for this.
It really is best for you not to try to figure out his mindset. The truth is that you dont want to know it. It really is crazy up in there.
I understand your struggle, my friend.
I love your family, by the way. Love the nerdy stuff. Love the potato poems. You are so blessed.
OK, so, the whole worrying about him suffering. I so get it. Yup. I was totally there. I felt his pain. I think I felt it even when he was ignoring it.
Let it go, Shining. You can't do this for him. It is like the connection is so deep, that he knows you feel it. I think in a way they are afraid of us and stay away because we can feel it. That is scary for him. Release. Give it to him. Give it to God.
He will find his way. He has to. No one can do it for him. I am not surprised that you worry about him. It's because you are a good wife. You are an amazing person. Take care of you, Shining. The stronger you are, the more peace you find, the best of Shining will come through.
You get it. You understand. Eventually, the feelings will come, too. You have so much on your side. The fact that you get it. I think people get it before they feel it. You get it early on... that means you are moving in the right direction. One where, whatever the outcome, you will be amazing.
Keep going, Shining. Rock your boots and go ahead with your bad self.
You know, Shining, to me knowledge is power and helping people fills me up. So, while I hurt for the people who share their stories, I am energied when I could empathize, when they get it, and when they feel heard and understood.
I soooooo get that, uR. I am the same. I wish I had the education to help people who suffer this stuff. The misunderstood mental things. The pain we all grow up with, and in turn, pass on to our most loved and cherished ones.
I am also energized by helping people. I don't always know how to guide through the tough stuff, especially since I'm there now. But I love connecting people. Whatever brings people together and brings joy....I'm all about that.
Sigh. With this new sense of disconnect, I'm feeling myself letting go.
I know our M is over. I feel it. It died. There is no going back. He is deep into his tunnel. On his journey. The one I can't go on.
I watched him run with his dog the last time I saw him. He was running away to the field across the street .... I actually said the words, "Goodbye, H. Go on your journey. I hope one day you find your way back to me."
I struggle because I feel his pain. I can't explain it. I just have a gut that screams at me. It tells me that he doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. He isn't happy. He is so confused. That things make so much sense to him one minute and not the next. That he feels like he's going crazy sometimes. That he loves me and hates me all at once.
But, as you said....I can't fix this. I so desperately want to.
I can't stop the desire to understand it,tho. I believe it helps me. It helps me have this compassion and ability to forgive. It helps me treat him gently (compared to how I would treat him if I didn't think he was sick).
He is not the same man. I am not the same woman. Everyday, this becomes more clear.
Things could be so much worse than they are for us. We'll be ok. No idea what's next....but it's going to be fun finding out.
I'm trying to let him go. I'm truly getting there. I know I am.
I was a dammmnn good wife. Not perfect. I made mistakes. But none were in malice. I always acted with the best of intentions. I don't feel shame or regret for the way I treated him.
Quote:
Keep going, Shining. Rock your boots and go ahead with your bad self.
And yeah, I WILL rock them boots!!! ....just have to decide which pair....
S, I know exactly how you feel. I really do. I have felt it deep into my soul. I ached for him. Even when he did the unthinkable. I found compassion because of the love. I found it because I believed in the man I once knew.
Even though we cannot know what it feels like to lose a child unless we have, we can still find compassion and empathy.
I do not blame you for wanting to understand. It does help fuel the positive feelings. As long as you know you cannot possibly understand it completely.
Sometimes we can get stuck in the wanting...and it gets in the way of our journey.
Your old marriage is gone. Tuck the memories safely away. But that doesnt mean a new marriage, built from weathering the toughest of storms, isnt possible. That one will be built on a new kind of strength and depth.
I hope he finds his way back to you, my friend, because you are amazing.
