Newcomer living in Hell

[Card29]

bravo, the one thing that brings me down from the "why did she not tell me anything was wrong? why did she make this decision so suddenly?" questions is the fact that SO many people have been through and are going through the same thing. That acknowledgement gives me my sanity back, kills my "terminal uniqueness" and also kills any anger I might be starting to build for WAW.

The timing of our sitches are nearly identical. I would actually say the bomb was "deployed" on 6/2/14 (I knew something was seriously wrong) but it didn't hit until 6/3/14, around 5:00 or 6:00 pm (she told me ILYBNILWY, first mention of possible S). But our sitch is a little more "settled" in S only. We are cordial and have had a few laughs, etc, but no D talk like you and also no admission of attraction to me like your WAW. As long as you don't feel like you're being played, and especially if you don't think there is OM in the picture, I would try to capitalize on every interaction with her. Eliminate your Love Busters, try to speak in her LL to the extent of your knowledge, focus on her ENs. When not with her, GAL, 180 and detach. Obviously none of those are new suggestions for you, but they are the best plan, so it should be mentioned again.

And for some additional encouragement, I've seen several vets or longer-term posters here who have "D papers filed" in their history but have then went on to "D on hold", piecing and/or full reconciliation. Papers are not the end. Even a finalized D is not the end for many people. So, in the words of MWD, "Don't give up, no matter how dark it gets!"

[bravo61]

Appreciate the encouragement Card. And for posting Wet. I am proud that I don't really have to think bout what words could I say that are uplifting to W. It's just scary because she has actually said that she will hold things in and when she's done, she's done. But I point blank stated that I had a hard time believing that she really wants a D and that she is doing it for protection. She said "part of me wants to". I made a point of not jumping on that statement. I attempt to give her words of affirmation every time we talk. Something as simple as "u look really pretty in that shirt", "have you lost weight?", "smart choice of restaurant", or "hey I'm really impressed with the job you do at work. I could never take care of /save babies like you can. I'm proud of you". Of course she downplays those comments and I say "hey don't minimize my opinion ok". I guess I want to be able to point to something, be it behavior or statement, that would improve belief that there's a chance to turn this around. I am curious of the difference in genders so far as Reconciliation numbers. Ladies speak up please. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna give up regardless. I know that she has changes she would need to make for us to be together-let my happiness be my concern, not tie her happiness to mine, speak with clarity & calmness regarding her emotional needs, don't hold onto anger, have defined expressed boundaries & hold me accountable.
It's tough for me because I've reached so many of my goals in regards to changes,it's just maintenance at this point.
I've learned so much bout myself and I'm actually very proud of the person I've become. But she's the person I want to share it with. I told her once "I'm an imperfect man, but I'm never gonna stop working to be better". I miss my wife, my lover, my friend, my partner. What we could have could be amazing if ny Sweet Girl would show me Grace. Sigh...

[bravo61]

One of my biggest struggles is to try & keep from resenting her. One of my last trips in May, I was kissing her & something felt "off". I pulled back, looked at her and asked if we were all right cause it seemed as if there was a distance there. She smiled and said, no we're good. Argh!!!!!!
You see, I've always wanted to know everything about her. I would always ask to know things like favorite food, color, song, movie, childhood memories, Disney memories, all things that made her so special to me. And to now here her say that she kept so many things & feelings from me has broken me inside.

[Ahoy]

My H was the same -- kept everything inside. I actually pity the WAS because they are incapable of communicating. I know for a fact that if I were having the same feelings that he had been having I would have at least tried to talk to him about it and work together on a solution instead of just running for the hills -- especially since a child is involved. I know that I'm able to commit to working through things if they can be worked on. And that is a skill I will take to my next relationship. Hopefully my next partner will be more worthy, and I'll have a chance to put my new-found knowledge that I've gained through this experience into use for a better relationship all around.

[bravo61]

Ahoy
These WAS are all about revisionist history. In their minds they did "everything"to tell us they were hurting. Standing in front of me screaming and making personal attacks is not the same as calmly sitting me down & saying "it really hurt me when u said ir did x, y, z. It makes me question your love for me and if it continues I don't know if I can be with you". That phrase not said in anger woul d make anybody sit up and take notice. I can't see myself dating. In some ways I feek like I had my shot. I meant it when I said it was forever. Im gonna continue to do the right thing by being their for her. Just like we can't control their actions they can't control ours. I will be able to look myself in the mirror and know I've done the right thing. Just wish I'dve done it all along:'(

[Ahoy]

bravo, you don't know what the future holds. Try not to think in blanket statements in regards to your future (i.e. dating, or being with or without your wife). The truth is that none of us knows what the future brings. Allow yourself to be surprised -- maybe even pleasantly so. If you're happy with yourself then it doesn't matter what happens anyway. You are all you ever need. BUT when you reach that point, expect that others will find that attractive in you, and you may find yourself in a new relationship. It does happen, even though it's not something to even bother focusing on right now.

BTW, I have been asking a lot of questions of friends of mine whose parents divorced. The one thing that I've heard that gave me pause is that one friend said that she really wished her mother (who was a LBS) had moved on and had a life with someone else. My friend felt a lot of responsibility for her mother's happiness as a response. Consider that, in the long run, having a new relationship (whether with spouse or someone new) might not just be good for you but also for your children.

Of course, you hear the awful step-parent stories too, so maybe it's a no-win situation.

Bottom line: make yourself happy, but keep an open mind and don't try to predict the future.

[bravo61]

Need to vent.
So W works 3 12hr shifts a week. She just took another job and will work 2 24hr shifts a month. Who do u think is gonna be suffering for her decisions, me and the kids. She loves work, it validates her as a person. I get that. But when I can't watch them baby sitters will be. And she'll be getting babysitters to watch them so she can go out with her heathen friends. She says that the kids r the most precious things in the world to her yet she is unconcerned bout what divorce will do to them. She doesn't trust her heart w/me but she will her kids. Spoke to her last night, strictly business bout the kids. I was pleasant but not pushy. I'm gonna respect her space and she mentioned that she would like me to get to know her but I'm gonna let her push that. So I'm working another 14 hr shift so I can save up comp time to watch the kids overnight (she was stressed bout this) and then going to pick up D from babysitter and have her all day until S soccer practice at which point I'll h we l.p. coach his team. She said be careful don't overextend yourself. What I wanted to say was what do you care, I'm unpaid help. What I said was being there for my family will sustain me. Oh and I get to meet w/her arty to show him how the screwed up the child support calculation. All this when per her own words "part of me wants to get divorced". And don't forget she is nervous to spend time w/ me alone but readily accepts invites. And even tells me the day after an invite was extended (I told her I was going regardless and she could let me know later) she would like to go. She's scared she's gonna change her mind bout all this and her friends are egging her on. UN f*ing believable!! I really believe her breaking point is gonna come at some point. Oh yeah, her grandad is in poor health too. Clear as mud to y'all? So in the past 48 hrs I Will have taken care of a sick kid, washed puke sheets at her apt, worked 28 hrs, coached soccer, slept for 5 hrs, and she believes I'm not there for her. It hurts but I knew it would be like this. Loving unconditionally is its own reward, besides she did it for years and my family is worth it! Even though she is kicking me out of the family.

[bravo61]

I don't know Card I'm pretty special. In the past 4 months let me review my life:
Drove cross country in two days to be w/my family;
During the drive, realize God has been speaking to m e to be a better person, husband, father;
Make decision to not tell W, gonna show her;
Kiss her sleeping head when I get there and tell her I'm never leaving her side again;
Next day she drops bomb on me;
Start new job where at any time if I fail a test I'm fired;
I know no one here & have no support system;
Start counseling;
Job itself has dangerous aspects (law enforcement);
Make numerous positive life changes(see previous posts);
Told by her I'm a perfect father and amazing person;
But that doesn't matter;
Move out;
Told by her that part of her wants a D(only part-ETC);
Reminded by her that she loves me and sex was great;
Served D papers by off duty deputy I've met.

Legendary!!! And unfortunately all true

[bravo61]

oh yeah, and in the middle of all that, i turned 40!

[bravo61]

so the W just left here from picking up D. she had orientation for her second job and i was making small talk with her bout it (this was after she mentioned she had spoken to her atty bout the revisions in the filing) and she seemed down. i asked if she liked it and would be happy there. her response "it's hard to picture myself being happy anywhere right now, but it'll get better". i smiled and told her i understand and that garnered a small sad smile from her. i told her hey it'll get better, i believe in you (validation and words of affirmation). walked them to the car and got a hug and more sad smiles. i kept it together and smiled often. on a positive note, D was ecstatic to see me this am. she said "daddy i missed you yesterday and i cried". i took this worth a grain of salt because she loves her "stories". i told W that D asked about her all day. W said that D really missed me yesterday and asked about me all day too. will see them again at soccer practice in about an hour. man this sux, she's miserable with this, i am too, and the kids are too. but she's being prideful and stubborn and clinging to the hurt to protect herself from a man that no longer exists. why the constant tests but try to rush this process through? really down, but don't worry, i'm not gonna show it.