I know you keep trying to figure her out but she doesn't make sense. None of them do. You need to stop looking there for answers. Look inside yourself, stay strong for your kids and help get the 5 of you on a healthy track.
^^^^^^ TRUE DAT. ^^^^^
Remember their emotions are everywhere....she could change her mind tomorrow, or in 10 minutes.
Take one day at a time, and let her bounce like a racquetball. She'll do whatever she does.
Thanks Kat and Shining. I was in the hospital today. I had two sedated MRI's, and they took good care of me. This should be the last step before I have my neuro-surgeries on my spine to fix my neuropathy in my lower legs (lack of feeling) and the weakness in my left side.
W is giving me some homemade chicken noodle soup, a nice gesture by her. I have not told her about the upcoming surgeries. I'm sorting out my feelings of why it is that I am not telling her...
It seems to me that we all go through "good" times and "difficult" times in our lives. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? Such is life. Since we know that is the case, how you handle both of those times in your life is important.
It also seems to me that you're lacking a "finality" from your W when it comes to the relationship. The thing is, you obviously won't get that from her. If she's interviewing potential mates, while still married to you, it's not likely you'll get that closure. From her anyway.
At what point do you stand up and decide you've had enough? I'm not suggesting you should. Things could change quickly. But you will need to ask and answer that question, my friend.
I hope your MRI's come back and they find an easy solution. I'm sure you'll be fine either way. I do know it could be much worse, but hopefully it's minor work to get you healthy, physically.
As for your emotions... That's waiting on you. No pill. No magic bullet. No quick fix. Just hard work. A lot like rehab where you need to take one small step at a time to get back to health.
If you think of your life as a start and end point, this is all stuff along the way, Wet. Keep perspective. What seems good or bad may not seem that way in the bigger picture. I know it's not what you wanted, but that doesn't mean things are not going to be good or better than you imagined. Remember that.
In my case, I spent a lot of time first upset about W's behavior and how it affected her, me, the kids. After a while, I wasn't worried about me. Then not about her. I'll always be vigilant about the kids. I let her club me like a baby seal when it came to the separation etc. I helped her pack. Twice
Looking back? I could have done all kinds of things differently. I wouldn't change a thing though. Unlike a MLCr, we don't need anger to let go. We have the tools, or we are capable of making the tools, to deal with what comes and be better for it. We're able to see the reality without getting depressed, angry, etc.
The reality is your W is not the person you know and you're still catching up to that. Your human. You care.
Now how do you deal with it and everything else sliding around in your life right now? Because it won't stay this way. You already know that. Things will continue to change and evolve whether you participate or instigate or do nothing.
My suggestion? Focus on you and your health and your kids, and let the rest take care of itself. It will. You don't need to hurry anything or even think about it to make that happen, my friend. But you do need to focus on you and your health. And part of that is your healthy outlook (which is already pretty good).
Let us know how the MRI's turn out.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi Kat, yes my parents will take care of me and my father is still able to drive. I saw my best friend (and 5 other guys from my high school days) at lunch today. He offered to take a day off of work to drive me, sit with me on my day for surgery, which was nice. My brother and sister would help if I ask them, so I have a good group of support around me.
But the group at lunch all made fun of me today for still being married, but I explained why - that today I'm not ready to start the divorce, but I'm closer to being ready. That I meant it when I vowed on our wedding day even in "good times or in bad" "until death do us part". And one of my other friends emailed me after saying he respected me for that. Nice seeing the old group.
And Kat I only have a 2 bedroom apartment right now, so it is too small to take all three kids here with me. After I deal with my surgeries, I hope to go full bore on getting a new, better paying job, which may let me get a bigger place. It's not the right time for that, but all in its right time. I need to get the feeling back in my feet first. Priorities are my health right now.
Why am I so petty? I had a bickering match with W as I picked up s13 tonight. My mindset as I headed to W's place was that I was ready for battle. I thought W would bring her OM to see our children, which was against our initial rules - wait until after the divorce to expose our kids to anyone. So I went in expecting OM to be there, because I know my W isn't thinking clearly right now.
I go to her place, and sure enough there is a guy in her place. It turns out to be her landlord. I shake hands with him, but my mind is still ready for a battle. W introduces me to LL as "her ex-husband". We have to go thru this again? I correct her by saying that I am "her husband". LL says he sees where s13 gets his looks, and he says that this is a complement. "Thank you", and LL flees W's place, seeing our emerging battle. W says again "he is my ex-husband".
Is she provoking me? Is she just trying to p*ss me off? I let her get under my skin, but I quickly put my game face back on and spoke with d17 for a bit. I was all smiles after this, W complemented how nicely I was dressed (I came straight from work). But I know the day is coming where W will bring up the OM, and I don't know how I will respond.
I think she is trying to convince herself that she isn't married. Because if she isn't married, she can keep on behaving badly. She doesn't like to be reminded that she isn't a free woman.
My ex told me we weren't married just because a piece of paper in some courthouse said that we were. Go figure. My ex still hasn't come out of lala land. Still thinks the kids should love his wife since he does. He doesn't think that she was his affair partner should have anything to do with anything. They aren't thinking of anyone but themselves during this time.
It isn't easy.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Kat, thank you for sharing your story about your ex. I keep wanting to say to W "we're married in the eyes of God and the state of Minnesota." But I won't. She can't hear me, and tells herself things to help her get through her day. I think I get it.
Journaling - So I had a nice weekend with s13. We went shopping, got some food to get through the weekend, and he loves playing Madden football right now. We keep having good-natured arguments over things like who would be the best running back for his team - he likes Lesean McCoy, and I tell him to get Arian Foster, and then a good cornerback. It's fun. He made it to the division finals, which got him really revved up. I think he has more fun crafting and assembling the best team, than actually playing the game.
I made s13 stop playing Madden long enough to watch 'Ride Along' with d20 and I. It was not appropriate for a child his age, but my standard on things and what I let slide has long since passed.
I got a text this morning from W asking me to keep s13 until after dinner bc she was at a local waterfalls, which we used to go to as a family. She didn't take any of the kids, perhaps she took her new OM, or maybe a photo shoot with the beautiful scenery. I have tried to keep my mind occupied so that I do not think about it, and I don't know anything anyways. The imagination is a powerful thing, isn't it?
So as I was getting ready to take s13 back to W's place, W calls and asks me to keep him until after 8 pm. She has a flat tire, AAA is on the way, and her cell phone is dying, so she can't buzz s13 in to the building when he arrives. I call d17 who is at W's place, and she tells me she can let s13 in. I get burgers for everyone including W, in case she is hungry when she gets back to her place. I have not heard back from her since.
A quick update. W's flat tire, she finally got a tow at 8:45 pm tonight. She's texting me for some reason, and I (stupidly) ask her why she joined AAA when our insurance coverage covered this. I canceled her car from the insurance coverage back on July 10th (long story, but it was posted on the board at the time).
She was mad at me. She said our insurance agent told her last Friday that her car insurance was canceled by me, and she is driving without insurance. This was not exactly true, I transferred the insurance to my W, and she was to pay it. No, I did not explain the niceties to my W. But for the insurance agent to take 3 months to tell her is not right.
Then d20 tells me W has a ticket that is unpaid from the time W drove d20's truck (again, going back to the July 10th event.) The ticket was left in d20's glove compartment. If W hasn't paid her ticket, her license may be pulled. W may have no license, no insurance, something bad is going to happen.
She's a big girl. Time for her to grow up and deal with her problems. Not your job to save her from her mess. The only chance she has to come out of this is for her to feel her choices.
Kind of like my s19. I can't fix his situation. I can just be here and love him and know that I support him. Trainwreck is coming.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
