Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

It's Sunday and I am dreading H coming home today. What a wonderful break this has been. I have the house to myself, my S to myself, no awkwardness.... Is that bad? Am I mean? If H's presence causes me to feel awkward and uncomfortable, does this mean I need to detach even more? I have just become so aware of how I feel and act with H around vs him not being around. I know I should just be myself, I will need to work on that. His being away for 4 days has been an eye opener for me. Different then when I was living in apt. I liked the space but missed my dog and home. This way now feels right.

I had to go into "his" room to grab some Halloween decorations and also did the other night to make sure the window was locked up good. I resent feeling like I shouldn't go in there. He goes in and out of MB. I never go in there unless I need to get something out of the closet, but it always feels weird. A slap of reality maybe? However, I barely looked around. No desire, absolutely NO DESIRE to snoop. That is so big for me. I have come a long way there.

Hoping to get out and have some more fun with S today. Another hot one!

[daring]

Glad you're having a low key weekend. Those drama free ( read H free) times are really necessary to regroup and recharge.
Hope the PMA lifts your spirits long after he's back from his trip.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Daring. I try to keep up the PMA.

H got home about 6:00 last night. I was reading, S was watching SpongeBob. S had absolutely no reaction to H walking in the door. I agree, it's really sad, but I can only do so much. So H comes over all dramatic saying HELLO!!?? to S looking for some kind of reaction. S got up and gave him a mediocre hug. Meanwhile I was still reading, but I at least said hi and asked how his trip was. So H turns away and says "Ugh. It's so great to be home", in a very sarcastic way. Hhhmmmmmm ok I didn't react, not a peep. But that really pissed me off. Why?

Well, first off, H didn't even tell S about his trip until the night before at bedtime when he told him he wouldn't see him the next day because he was going to Tahoe. That was it, all he said. S looked a little shell shocked but was ok about it. Overall, like you know, the weekend was WONDERFUL for S and I without the juvenile H drama. But I just can't let that comment go. Then once H got home, he immediately went and sat on the couch and watched Nascar.

So, maybe against the DB rules, but I just sent H a text. Just says in response to his comment last night, that S and I want nothing more than to be a family that plays together. (we do NOTHING together, just sit at home. Every weekend H goes out with the guys, S is never a part of any outing with H. H will spend one on one time with S about once or twice a month. H complains that S doesn't want to do anything with him) I told him that he excludes S from just about everything he does and that I believe S may have been hurt about H going to Tahoe (my S loves Tahoe) with no warning or explanation. I asked him did he expect us to be jumping up and down when he got home? I said that he has put us at the bottom of his priority list and that if he really wants a better relationship with S, that he should treat him like he is important, not just somebody he has time for when it's convenient for him. I told H that I know he loves S very much, but that I'm not so sure S knows that, to show him.

Whew. I would not have said anything but that comment ticked me off, I can't let it go. I haven't told him off in a while, but I really tried to make this one about him and S, not me. That really is a huge concern for me. The 2 of them have such a crappy relationship. I truly believe my H doesn't know how to really connect. He is this way with me, and now S. My S needs his dad. I try to help them along, but H needs to stop expecting relationships to just be good without any effort!

[mleigh4]

LOL. So I get a text back from H. He says I have given him some good info from websites on S and father relationships, so he was sending me a few for me. Two articles on coddling. Sigh. This has been an accusation of his (and his mother's) for a while. In all honesty, I don't think his mother gave H ENOUGH love and attention. Anyhoo, I responded by saying thank you, I will read them and am open to his feedback. I also asked for a specific situation recently that made him feel I was coddling? I'm interest to see if there is one, or if this is just his vicitimized and defensive comeback. How would he even know how I treat S?.... he's never around.

So yes, once again, I see my venting to him does no help or good. The man is completely in his own victimized selfish world.

[mleigh4]

So lots of back and forth texting today between H and I. I don't know how, but he turned his lack of a relationship with S into being my fault. Silly me, I forgot all about how he has been blaming this on me for years! i just finished by saying I am concerned about the 2 of them but I will stop caring or trying to help. He wrapped it up with a great and final punch of why would S want him when I let him play minecraft and bring him food and drinks all day. Seriously, so juvenile. I feel like I am trying to reason with a 10 year old.

So LESSON LEARNED for today! What a waste of time and energy! DETACH DETACH DETACH

Seriously guys. I really dislike this guy. I don't know how much longer I can stand.

[tuff]

mleigh4 - I feel for you. It is all so frustrating. I have similar feelings. I just can't think about living this way for years. I just keep taking it day by day. I am trying to release my fear so that I can just handle whatever comes. Prayers to you!!! I don't think I could do it if he still lived at home -I am just not that strong. I think I was half crazy while he was here.

[Shining]

mleigh, I know how that is...the blaming. It is so juvenile, I agree.

I'm glad you recognized what you needed to, and stopped the texting insanity!

Good for you. I hope your night gets better .

Tomorrow is a new day.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Tuff and Shinig. It's been a REALLY bad day. H decided to work late tonight, after not seeing S for 4 days and giving him all of 5 minutes of attention last night. Of course, I love H not around. I just worry about S. But in all honesty, he really doesn't seem to care. So maybe I should stop worrying and let it be?

H knows how to push my buttons by attacking my parenting. Funny, if he thinks I am such a horrible mother, why does he leave it all up to me? Doesn't make sense to me, but does any of it??? Let's see I get S up, get breakfast, pack his lunch, get him to school. I pick him up, dinner, bath, homework, chores and bedtime. All on me. What does H do? Good question. Cake eat and critique. Once in a while he will play with S or back me up on discipline, but not much more these days. H is way into his own world for much more.

I had my cry fest. I let it out. Something keeps telling me this is all happening for a reason. There is some purpose to this. I am a great mother. My S is my world and loves me so much. I am an amazing and loving person. I will not let H change that. I will stay true to myself. H is in more pain than me. Practice compassion and patience. I can do this. It will be ok. No matter what happens, I will be ok.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh4

Reading the boards .. and your sitch .. seems lately we are all struggling with the R between our WAS and our children. I at times have been in the same boat ... but what can we do really ... there is no forcing the crazed MLCrs into being sane around the children, I have just accepted I can not control the R between my S and my W. And you are right .. any judgement/advice we give is typically wrapped up and hand delivered back to us in a spiteful .. "Its actually your fault" type response ... (I have even been given its her own mothers fault as well)

So ... what can we do ... exactly what we are doing .. be that beacon, lighthouse, rock .. whatever it is ... what my S does not get from the WAW I pray he will get from me, see the way I handle and conduct myself and hope he mirrors me and does not ever think its right what his MLC does ... I also do not want him resenting her.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Caliguy. I have noticed our timelines and children situations are similiar and was going to ask you how you deal with your W? I guess I just keep forgetting that I am not dealing with a rational adult right now. It amazes me and frustrates me to no end how my H manages to twist things around on me. Again, I need to stop expecting normal!! Your advise is good, just need to be the good example and hope for the best. What else can we do??

I am emotionally drained today. Still having a hard time stopping myself from crying, having a good pity fest these 2 days. But I know I will pick myself right back up again and keep marching on. I have 2 choices. I can keep my chin up and stick this out to see what may happen, or until H takes his next step. Or, I can file for divorce. Both choices make me unhappy and are hard, but for today, I choose choice 1. It's best for all of us and something in me tells me it's the right choice.

For the vets - I have a question. I don't see much changing or getting better unless H looks at himself and stops the blame game. In MLC, does this eventually happen? Because knowing my H for over 14 years, he has always been the victim and always thinks he is right. Very very stubborn. I know every situation is different, but in MLC, is part of the awakening looking at themselves and wanting to make changes to be a better husband and better father?