Hi. I am new here. Have been reading some posts for the last 3 months. While trying to figure things out. My wife and I have been together for 9 year. Married for 7. We have young wonderful girls that I deeply love. For the last few years out marriage has slowly deteriorating. We do not fight much but rarely talk or communicate. Part of that is due to kids, life and a my busy work schedule. Part of it may be that I have always been quiet and never liked to talk about my feelings. This spring after a holiday we went on together that did not go so well. My wife told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. I guess our relationship has always been sort of a tic for tac kind of relationship. (why to you get to go out when I don't etc) Before getting married we would have sex lots. Then after getting married we would have sex about 1-2 a year. This was very hard for me and I held a lot of resentment for it and blamed her. I have now found that the sex issue was both of our fault. I did not open up to her so she did not feel physically close to me After the ILUBNILWY talk I was hurt and frustrated. She said she was had tried to make marriage work but felt I did not. Looking back I can see she did but at the time I was immersed in my work or just to stubborn to see it. We went to MC a couple times but she felt it was not working and I guess I was still to hurt/frustrated to make it work. I always felt that I wanted control of my life so after MC did not work I set out to find another place to live (she felt it was best for the kids to stay at there house with mom). And Told her I wanted to get a new start on my life. We went to mediation to figure out best way share time with the kids. At mediation it clicked/dawned on me that I still really love my wife and family and want to do anything possible to save it. I started to read books, research on the internet. That is when I found DB. SO I read DR and am currently reading DB. I did a 180. Told the wife I loved her and did not want to separate. Started to give her word of affirmation (her LL, mine is acts of service which I always did for her...hindsite) I tried to be a good friend. Validating her. Started working out (GAL), and always tried to be upbeat happy around her. I thought it was working as she started to talk more with me and maybe enjoy being around me. (She always said that she had a heavy heart when around me and felt like there was a weight on her) Then this week happened! She felt more distant. When ever I would come home from work or come into the room she was in (we still live together) she would leave. I never had time to talk to her to see what was wrong b/c she would leave the room right away. So I left her a note saying "that I felt she was not happy and that I hope she could talk to me if there was something she wanted to say". I got this email back "Yah I guess I am getting pretty frustrated as time goes on. I hate this situation that we're in.... It's the worst. For some reason as soon as you walk through the doors I feel like I am dead inside. I hate the fact that I feel like I want to hide when you're home mostly because I feel like when I'm avoiding you I'm also avoiding the kids. I definitely don't want to be hiding from the kids. I think I hide because I can't handle putting up the fake front any more. I know you are trying and you won't say it but I can tell you still have hope for things to work out. I know you are trying to be what you think I want, but it's making me feel smothered. I think you are thinking you can fix things and change my opinion but unfortunately sometimes things just can\t be "fixed". The love is either there or it isn't. Like you said in the other email, we were just not getting what we both needed out of the marriage for so long that the damage was permanent. I think it's great that you have such a positive attitude and are wanting to compliment me, etc. but at this point I think it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable, which makes me feel bad because I know you are only trying to be nice. I give you huge props for trying and handling it the way you have been. I just don't think I can go on like this for much longer. I think it's almost time we start looking at a game plan for how we are going to move on in the future. " I am crushed, lost, don't know what to do. I think she is just confused. I pretty sure there is no OM. I love my wife and my family and would do anything to save it. I would love any for of help/support/advice Please Help!
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
W has checked out. Confirmed with her and she said she check out 6 months ago. She says she has no love for me. Wants to separate and wants ME to move out. Which I don't think is faie as she is the one that is giving up on our family. I don't know if I'm thinking clearly. But I guess the best thing to do is detatch, detatch, detach and GAL.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Just venting/thinking/pondering. W was depressed for last 4 years. I thought I tried everything to try to make her feel better and support her. Was there more I could have done? Most likely yes. About 1 year ago she started to get into meditation, reiki, talking to a life coach. She was getting happier. I was so happy for her that she felt that she was getting happy. Now I think this may be like an EA. She is on such a high that she thinks that b/c things were not really great in our marriage that she doesn't want to work on it b/c she feels it brings her down.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Welcome aboard. What other things have you noticed about your W? Has she started dressing differently, guarding her phone, being gone from the house a lot, hanging out with new friends?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
x 2. In fact, x 10. Check with a good family law attorney, but in many jurisdictions this can then be considered as "abandonment" and used by your wife against you in a legal action.
Yah a friend of mine mentioned to talk to a lawyer b/c maybe I was not thinking clearly. The l said absolutely don't move out. Talked to my DB coach the other day as well and she echo'd the same thing. Coach mentioned that if moving is not something you want to do then don't do it. Do stuff for yourself not b/c the W wants you to. I know wife will be mad as she thinks it will be easier on the kids if she stays in the house with the kids and I move out.(have had many coversations about this). She keeps trying to use the "its going to be easier on the kids" line to make me feel guilty/bad. But as coach said she is the one who wants to break up our family not me.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Plus side I have been able to keep myself very busy. I volunteered to manage D6 and D4 ice hockey team. Which is challenging but I'm starting to like it. W gave me the guilt trip on that one as well. "don't we have enough on our plate" I calmly said I doing it for me. I did not ask for any of your help. She was mad the other day as well as she keeps phoning/texting asking me questions when I'm at work on how to do stuff. The other day I said I was too busy at this moment but can help when I get time. She got mad/frustrated with me and hung up. When I got home I told her. I do not appreciate you getting angry b/c I could not help you at that time, do you still need help. She said in her angry tone. NO I DO NOT.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
