still waiting

[Ahoy]

Argh. He just came by with D to pick up some clothes. He's wearing all new wardrobe himself (part of MLC, I know). His outfit looks good, although he's still sporting the hideous beard.

I don't get it. I'm not physically attracted to him. I'm not drawn to the kind of man who could do what he is currently doing to his family. I don't even really want to be with him. And yet, when he leaves I feel punched in the gut.

I guess it's just processing the loss. And still not knowing why and what's really going on. It's so hard to be okay with not knowing why my marriage is falling apart (even though I have my suspicions).

Sigh.

[Shakspr]

Ahoy, just checking in with the ladies tonight. Better than self-pity (too much of that, and anger, lately).

We will probably never know all of what's going on. Everyone has secrets. I look at it this way. Reconciliation is a two-person exercise. So was marriage. But time the S spends actively dismantling the marriage becomes blacked out, like a classified document in a spy movie. I may never know, I don't want to know, and I certainly will never believe my W about what was going on during those times. Even if we make it back to marriage.

So, transparency can only be requested (or demanded, depending on the sitch), when both parties are willing to work at the R. Anything that happens during the alien possession (thanks, bdub) will be lost in the mists of time.

Don't know if that helps. Just some thoughts.

[25yearsmlc]

Argh. He just came by with D to pick up some clothes. He's wearing all new wardrobe himself (part of MLC, I know). His outfit looks good, although he's still sporting the hideous beard.

I don't get it. I'm not physically attracted to him. I'm not drawn to the kind of man who could do what he is currently doing to his family. I don't even really want to be with him. And yet, when he leaves I feel punched in the gut.

Interesting, when you can step back (even if only for a minute) it IS rather amazing and odd and surprising.

So why the punched feeling? Either it's b/c your ego is wounded and you would not be alone with that, (we all have egos and we are allowed). AND OR

maybe it's that you still miss the man you thought he was, or may still be, down deep underneath all the anger and pain in his life. He may blame you for all that but maybe not.

I usually tell folks to LOSE THE ANGER, b/c for sure showing it to our spouses does NOT help us. Sometimes the anger can help you to detach,
IF IF IF ---THE ANGER DOES NOT CONSUME YOU...

b/c it sure does not hurt him. In fact, it tends to fuel his reasons for leaving and makes him more sure he's doing the 'right' thing. IF that bothers you, then re-think the anger.


I guess it's just processing the loss. And still not knowing why and what's really going on. It's so hard to be okay with not knowing why my marriage is falling apart (even though I have my suspicions).

Sigh.

I spent so much time asking WHY WHY WHY...and never got an answer that satisfied me.

So I'd ask you what answer would you find to be a "good enough" reason? B/C frankly I don't believe one answer will suffice or satisfy you. So I'd just let you know that it's a year of my life I'l never get back, spent asking a question that has no good answer.

Plus, it does not change YOUR course of action, does it? Of course you made mistakes in the marriage. OF course some of this is on you. OF course you have issues to work on.

But if the real question is whether you "Deserved this", then realize one thing.

You know the answer to that question. The answer to that question lies in you. SO dig deep and be brave and really examine what happened in your m as best you can tell.

OWN YOUR #@%& and repair the things in you that are broken. Become a woman only a fool would leave, no matter what he does. BE the best Ahoy you can be.

Once that has happened, once you make the changes you need/want to make, turn your marriage over to God (or the universe, higher power, etc) and hold your head up. Be at peace.

Til then, you have your work cut out for you and I'd ask that you focus on that.

B/c you have no control over your h, HIS answer to your question about "WHY?" may not even be true and that is if he wants to tell you.

And what he feels today won't be what he feels next week, so how can you rely n HIS perception??

IF there is OW, I'd say she's a symptom more than a cause. But that may make your detachment easier...

So, tell me if you know, what difference it makes to your course of action, if he's in a MLC or is a WAH,

and or if there is OW. I'm not saying it should not matter. Not at all.

Just asking you to prepare for an answer that 1) never comes or 2) you don't like or 3) does not "really" answer it for you.

IF I could pass one piece of advice on to you, it'd be this,

Either read my whole thread (no way, it's far too long)

or trust me when I say that I feel I wasted a YEAR of my life asking "WHY??? And never got a 'good" answer. I'd urge you to do differently.

Finally I detached for real, (b/c I GAL!) and accepted that my m was likely over but I found some peace knowing I had done my best, and I truly believed I was going to be alright no matter what h chose to do....I felt I was better off than he was as far as the kids and my conscience, and that mattered to me a lot. (Not the contest part about "beating him" but the part about my conscience being clear).

I guess that inner contentment radiated, or something showed to h, b/c all I know is sure enough once I got there, to that inner calm, within a few months my h started to have his awakening.

So, who knows if that was it?

I can only tell you MY experience and even if it did not wake my h up, I WAS HAPPIER and so were my kids. That was my answer I guess.

Good luck

[Ahoy]

Thanks for checking in with me, Shaks! And thanks for the advice 25. I'm definitely not angry anymore -- that would be a waste of my energy -- and I never once showed anger toward H throughout all of this.

I'm not dwelling too much on why, except that it would be nice to be able to explain why this is happening when daughter asks in a way that makes sense to her. All I can say is "I don't know. Your dad just needs to deal with his emotions and he needs space to figure out what he wants." She finds this nebulous and confusing (as do I), but that's all I can do.

25, I'm certainly not afraid of addressing my part in the demise of the marriage, I did everything for him -- EVERYTHING. My love language is acts of service, which is what I gave to him (when he likely needed affirmation), so he felt emasculated, now he wants to live on his own and be a "big boy" (his words). So for me the lesson is to let each person be responsible for themselves. Even though I like acts of service, it may be perceived differently on the other end. He must have felt that I thought he was incapable-- and to be honest, sometimes I did (he has ADD and is very forgetful, so I managed the money out of fear that he would damage our credit -- he was in credit card debt when we married, which I paid off for him). So that is knowledge gained that I can apply to my next relationship, whether with H or with someone else.

I don't waste time wondering why -- and I don't think it would really make much difference to know the reason. But it's hard when my daughter asks me direct questions that I'm not able to answer. And she thinks that her dad is willing to walk away for no good reason she can see.

But that is all beyond my control!
I am GALing my butt off. Saw H again last night when picking up D14 for an event, and he kind of invited me to join them at a festival tomorrow, but I suspect it's only as a buffer because one of her other friends (whose mother is a friend of mine) is also going, and he wants to spend time with them but he must suspect that they don't want to spend time with him (even though I've never given him this impression). However, my friend was left by her first husband, and she is definitely not liking my H right now. I called the friend on his behalf to see if they were going and they said maybe. So I just told H to text me if he wants me to come. I'll leave it at that. I also said I'm only available up until 6 pm because I have plans (to see a movie by myself, although he didn't ask).

I guess I shouldn't second-guess these invitations to spend dinners and outings with him and daughter, but I just wish I knew what was behind them.

[Ahoy]

PS the punched in the gut feeling is due to the disconnect between seeing someone you thought you knew and realizing he is not that person. It's not about ego, but it has a lot to do with processing the sadness that comes with the loss of illusion.

[25yearsmlc]

PS the punched in the gut feeling is due to the disconnect between seeing someone you thought you knew and realizing he is not that person.

I get it.^^^ And yes, it stinks.


It's not about ego,

maybe yes, maybe no, maybe partly. The thing is, you are allowed to have an ego. Some of it might not be "admirable" but some of it comes with self respect, and there is a fine line between the two.

I find that if you can remove the ego part of it for even a few minutes and look as realistically as you can, in the moment, at who your h appears to be now, (based on his present day actions and words), it helps to see and eventually believe, that you are not losing very much after all.

B/C the man you thought he was, is no longer there. You lost "him" awhile ago so the grief is real - but it's over something that is not a recent loss.
You just became aware of it recently.

Sort of like finding out your h died, two years ago. You're still very sad and shocked but then you realize,

"oh wait, all is not lost. I've actually been doing alright these past 2 years when I did not know he has passed away, so maybe I have not lost as much of my LIFE (and all I believed he meant to me and represented) as I thought. Maybe I'll be just fine without him..."

( I don't know if ^^^ that analogy helps, but I can hope.)

but it has a lot to do with processing the sadness that comes with the loss of illusion.

"loss of illusion..." AMEN to that. Thing is, it was an illusion sure, but it was one yo were counting on and you did not know it was an illusion when you were relying on it. So there's been a shift under your feet and it does take a major adjustment.

My therapist told me to tell the kids nothing about divorce unless they asked and even then, Not to say "yes we are divorcing" as long as there was a chance you would not. Unless I was "truly certain", that it was good to hold onto hope.

If my d's asked if we were divorcing, I'd say "I sure hope not, b/c I really loved your dad and we are working on things", or something along those lines. I also asked each daughter what their biggest concern was about the marital situation and for both of them, it was "not to move again". (We had been a military family and moving was frequent and more difficult as the kids got older. A lot more difficult). I DID reassure them that we (as in me and them) would not move until at least the older d had finished high school, which was 2 years later. That was my internal timeline and I knew that my limbo would end one way or another by then.

No, I didn't tell h that. It was for me to know and to tell myself that no matter what, this would Not go on forever...I only filed for a sep when I worried that h would mortgage our home for his "heroes" ideas for "investing" on the tundra.

So we wouldn't lose the house. About 2 years ago, (maybe 4 years after we left Alaska the 2nd time), H said he was so "glad WE did not sell our house for those guys", and I honestly don't think he recalls why HE could not sell (my name is on the house and our assets were frozen by the separation agreement. (So, oops.) But it does show how unaware he was/is about what happened and why.

I said nothing then, b/c sometimes that's the most loving thing to say.

I think you're doing well. Truly. Keep on posting, and keep on...keeping on

[Ahoy]

Thank you for all the insights, 25. It's good to hear from a vet.

I wish I could look back and realize that my marriage had been "dead" for a long time before BD, but the truth of the matter is that my H was sending me love letters just two weeks prior. LOVE LETTERS! So I was completely blindsided. I know, I know, he was probably sending them out of guilt because he had feelings for someone else, or was on the fence and trying to convince himself one way or another.

He was always a devoted and very loving and attentive person, and perhaps I did not reciprocate enough in ways that he needed (again, I'm realizing he needed LOTS of affirmation that I didn't provide).

Two years ago, the night before my brain surgery, we sat on a bench overlooking the water, and I told him that even if I died in surgery I would die happy because I had so much love in my life (meaning him). He said the same and more. In between that time and now, he had his own health scares with seizures, a lawsuit to contend with (he was being accused), and major work stress. I'm sure I played a part in everything, too. I was consumed with his health, holding down the fort, managing all the household stuff so he could focus on the other pressing issues. I think he just broke. And I can't say I blame him. He will have to choose his path, and I will have to choose mine. Right now I choose to do nothing except have fun and GAL and take care of my daughter.

Tonight I'm going to a yoga & wine tasting event; tomorrow to a girls' art night (fun!).

I did end up meeting him at the outdoor festival today. I still have no idea why he invited me, but it's easy enough to show up, see daughter, smile, enjoy the fun. I don't expect anything from it. However, I would LOVE to have mind-reading powers!

Que sera sera!

[Ahoy]

forgot to mention: so after H's new wardrobe threw me off last night, I resolved to go get myself some fall clothes this morning. So when I showed up at outdoor festival I was rocking an awesome new jacket and sweater. And I did indulge in some gray suede boots.

It's a not-so-cheap thrill, but new clothes do put me in a new frame of mind, make me feel in some small way like a new person. I'll take what I can get! I usually hate shopping, but this is one 180 that I think I can enjoy just for my own sake. Especially since I'm in great shape now due to the anxiety diet. (Hello abs -- where have you been all these years?0 I actually have to borrow my D14's pants because my own are too big right now. Hooray for silver linings!

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, you both sure did go thru a lot and yeah, sometimes it brings you closer, sometimes one or both of you, break.

But the thing about mind reading is this. I read over some of my journal entries from way back when...and I was SO angry at h. Pages and pages of my fury, most of which felt completely justified then, and a lot still feels that way.

However, I no longer feel so bad about my h, obviously. Even though I believed what I wrote back then, I did not tell h mud about it.
My point is that even if you could read your h's mind, today,

tomorrow or next week he would probably feel very different. Like getting a love letter from a man who wants out the m just a few weeks later.

So there you go. Feelings change. Theirs, ours, everyone's.

[25yearsmlc]

forgot to mention: so after H's new wardrobe threw me off last night, I resolved to go get myself some fall clothes this morning. So when I showed up at outdoor festival I was rocking an awesome new jacket and sweater. And I did indulge in some gray suede boots.

It's a not-so-cheap thrill, but new clothes do put me in a new frame of mind, make me feel in some small way like a new person. I'll take what I can get!

I so relate!

I figured "hey, If it's not breaking the bank, it's time to learn to like shopping!"


I usually hate shopping, but this is one 180 that I think I can enjoy just for my own sake. Especially since I'm in great shape now due to the anxiety diet. (Hello abs -- where have you been all these years?0 I actually have to borrow my D14's pants because my own are too big right now. Hooray for silver linings!

The grief diet is quite effective.

But I'd prefer having a died called the "Oh, did I WIN Again?" Diet , that only comes with uber Good news in life, ya know?