Feeling stronger than ever

[job]

This is a great list. You've accomplished more than you think and as time moves along, you'll feel even better about yourself, i.e., more independent and stronger.

One last item to add to the list...be kind to myself and remember to take some time out of my busy life to pamper myself once in a while.

Enjoy your weekend.

[mleigh4]

Well I have been pretty proud of myself this last week. Between H concert Thursday night, sharks game Friday night, golf and dinner out Sunday.... I have been very easy going and go with the flow! Doing really good focusing on enjoying myself and not worrying so much about him. I just can't listen anymore to his complaining how he needs this fun guy stuff to release his stress. The guy does more stuff and has more fun than I have in a month! That is mainly because I am the caretaker for our S. I did manage to get out alone with friends on Saturday for a bit. Then S and I went out with friends on Sunday. I have not questioned, have not grilled, just letting the cards fall as the May.

So tonight H says he might be going to Lake Tahoe this weekend. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. He explained its for a friend of a friends wedding party. He isn't going to wedding but was invited to hang out with the guys there over the weekend, they all got a house to hang out at. I worry so much if he is telling the truth? Is he going with someone? Why can't I stop going back to this place of total distrust and suspicion? Would he really take someone to the place where we got married? Where we first officially got together and ML 15 years ago? Our special place we went to every year? Why did I ever have to discover he lied to me, did things behind my back? Why did he have to break my trust so I feel this way every single da** time he goes out? I hate this so much.

Now I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Don't ask stupid questions like "are you sure you aren't really taking a girl?" Like he would really tell me the truth! I have learned, and I took a deep breath and said " that sounds like fun! I don't have plans so I can take care of S". I can't believe how together I am. In all reality, there is nothing I can do. If he chooses to lie, it will eventually all come out. Or, we will finally reach a point where I can feel more trusting and not put myself through this.

Either way, I am really proud of how far I have come. The old me would have flipped out. The new me truly believes in the importance of guy/girl time away. In fact, I have a girl weekend planned myself in a few weeks! So, I pretty much saw this coming. Plus, after a year of snooping and never coming up with any proof of OW, My logical self says don't react on suspicion, only facts that I know. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

So sorry for the rambling but sometimes I feel like he does these things just to try to test me? I know it sounds paranoid. But sometimes I feel like he almost makes things look bad, total passive aggressive behavior which he very much is. I don't know. I just feel like sometimes I feel like it's almost TOO obvious to be an affair. Does that make sense? He knows that is a huge fear of mine and I have asked him a hundred times. So I know! I will stay out extra late tonight, sleep on someone's couch, go away for the weekend just to punish her! Just thoughts that go through my mind. What happened to my 42 year old mellow H who never really did much of anything??

It feels good to not react even though I feel all jumbled inside. My whole being tells me, let it be in Gods hands. Let it happen, stay out of the way and let go. It feels so right.

Oh, and H must have been happy with my non reaction because he said if he doesn't go to Tahoe, he wants to take me and S to some tarantula fest thing. Lol! I despise spiders but ok! Ya right, I won't hold my breath.

[mleigh4]

An observation I have made with my at home MLC: He sleeps in the spare room, but still uses the Master bathroom and the master closet, except for a few clothes he keeps in the spare room with him. What is that about?

[mleigh4]

I am still hanging in there, doing real good with the detaching and letting go and it feels great. I am actually and honestly looking forward to H being away this weekend and having time at home alone with S. I wanted to share with others a few messages that help me tremendously:

Let go of what was and take hold of what is

H is losing out on time with ME

Let coming to me be his choice, not mine

Stop expecting normal

Thanks everyone and I hope these can help others too:)

[Ss06]

Stop expecting normal.

That one's big for me right now.

Thank you!!!

[mleigh4]

I am feeling really good today guys! H is off for his weekend trip away. He came in early this morning while I was just waking up in bed to say goodbye. No hug or anything, but the effort was nice, wasn't expecting it.

This is the first time he has been away for more than a day since B day. I actually am happy for him, I think he needs this and deserves this. And the crazy thing? I am not feeling any bad feelings. I have little waves of anxiety here or there, but they go away pretty quickly. I feel good. Lake Tahoe has a lot of special meaning to us. I know I know, this means nothing to a MLCer. I do understand that. However, we officialy got together there, got married there and also went every year for family vacations. Maybe this will be good for him but I have no expectations.

More importantly, I am looking forward to hanging out with S this weekend having the whole house to ourselves! I have a movie to watch, a great book to read, going to the pumpkin patch and maybe a local Faire too! A good mix of relaxing and fun.

Yay for me!

[job]

Good for you! Definitely plan some fun things to do w/your son while the h is away. You need the mental break from his madness.

[mleigh4]

Happy Saturday! This is the first weekend I have looked forward to in a long time. No drama with H away. I am enjoying this a bit too much! But trying not to make too much of it. I think it's more that I am enjoying the break from the sitch, not so much H. I have not called or texted him, have no desire to.

Lots going on with me emotionally, in a good way. Since I have stopped talking about sitch with anyone, it's like it's gotten quieter in my mind. I am able to feel what I feel, I am able to listen to my own heart and my own feelings. Without all the yapping and negativity from others ( who only want me to be happy) I am better able to dig deep. Do I really love H? What made me pull away so much over the years? Can I accept H for who he is? What do I really want? Lot's going on in my head, but I am able to just go with it. It's not consuming me, I am just feeling and thinking.

H checked in with me Thursday night to let me know he arrived safe and sound. Wasn't really worried about it, but the old wife in me would have been and H acknowledged that by letting me know?

Last night, H called the house at 9:30 at night. He said he just called to talk with S, so I handed phone over. S talked for a few minutes then said daddy wanted to talk with me. I asked how his trip was going and he said good then asked about our plans today. I let him know we plan on going to a tarantula fest, which he was going to take us to if he wasn't away. He sounded happy about that. Not really sure why he called? Sounded like he was just checking in? Either way, I didn't expect to hear from him at all this weekend, so surprised about all that.

I have great plans for S and I this weekend and am so looking forward to it! Let's see. Today tarantula fest, a nap, some reading, then a movie and wine. Perfect! My girlfriend may be coming over too.

I choose to be happy today and have fun!

[CaliGuy]

Sounds like you are in a good spot right now menatlly .. thats great !

I know for me .. back in Feb, W and I were taking S somewhere and she was telling him about the area we were passing through, where she went to college ... she asked if we could drive by ... so I take the detour ... we eneded up walking the campus, we got married in the church there on campus ... was the start of the end of the R with her OM honestly ... it was like a flood of the really great memories came out that day

Not saying this will happen to your H .. but I would think somewhere in his mind thoughts are starting to form reminding him of you ... might be as you said a good thing for him to be exposed to.

[mleigh4]

Thank you for the positive thoughts Caliguy! I know being in a place that holds a ton of our history must be doing something. I figure either he is remembering good times, maybe thinking maybe things weren't THAT bad. OR maybe he is thinking, this is MUCH better without the wife and kid! I have to stay realistic, right? Not to mention one of the guys there is getting married there today. It will be interesting to see if anything effected him.

Well, no tarantula fest today. S wanted to do pumpkin patch which was lots of fun. Did train ride and hayride. S said "that was really fun!" Made my day. Then went to rockery and picked out some different sized and colored rocks to start my rock garden in the back. It is so darn hot today, we are now locked in the air conditioned house being really lazy watching tv. I love this day!