Newcomer living in Hell

[Card29]

She is deep in her fog. She will eventually get out of it. What she does at that point is not up to you, but what she does IF she considers you with a clear(er) head you CAN impact. And you can do that with the LRT. Improve yourself and learn to be independently happy.

Keep reading through threads here and you will find others who struggled at first to GAL. Not all GAL has to be going out on the town. Could be a new hobby you've never considered (painting? Wood working? Anything). And your kids could be part of your GAL. It doesn't have to be a return to bachelorhood. Pick up hiking, family time at the gym, volunteering with them. The are no rules to GAL other than its something you can fit into your schedule and makes you happier/detached. GAL should consist of things you would do with or without her, because it is for you, not her.

Do you exercise? If you don't, I would highly recommend pursuing some type of regular (4-6 days per week) physical activity. Great if you can spend an hour at the gym a day. But even a morning walk will improve you. Still, the more intense, the better. And the biggest improvement would be mental, not physical.

To me, 5LL, etc are great when you have a fighting chance with your spouse. When they are in the process of or have already walked out, LRT is the gospel. Pursue LRT with a vengeance. It feels like giving up at first, then it feels like it doesn't do anything for you. But give it time and it will turn your life around. I went from suicidal (for the first time in my life) to being thrilled about the possibilities of the future in a matter of 2 months of LRT. My fractured R with WAW has improved somewhat, too. I am no less in love with her and am still ready to fight for our M with her if she chooses, but I'm not afraid of her leaving me, which would be the biggest mistake of her life.

[bravo61]

wow card, our timelines are very similar. sep on 8/1/14 and same day of BD (mine was at 11:23 am). what's your take on her initiating plans with me? i would love to have positive interactions to replace the negatives that run in her mind like the reel to a horror show. every time we've done it we've had a good time, smiled and laughed. i certainly don't go into those times with any expectations and no pressure. no r talk from me and try to gently redirect it when she brings it up (hey let's just have a good time). i feel as if i'm in a fog. getting those papers has really messed me up! i knew they were coming but to actually have them in my hand-man. it's like someone tells you a family member dies is one thing, but to see the body really brings it home. i guess after she threw the wedding ring into the fountain i should've been deadened to things like this. her peanut gallery of chickenheads certainly aren't helping esp since i've not met a single one of the ones up here. i just hear her saying over and over in my head like a skipping record "it's time i made a decision for me, i don't want to lose myself againg". i'm sorry but she's not gonna find someone else like me here or anywhere! i've lost 35 lbs, she finds me attractive, pretty witty (hah), smart, thoughtful, generous, loving, the perfect father (her words), an amazing person (again her words), a Godly man, patient (lost the anger that controlled me for years), selfless, and i know the worst things about her and love her regardless. oh and women love a man in uniform!

[bravo61]

so now i get to pay attys for a divorce i don't want for decisions that she made that will hurt her, the kids, and me. this is not right. i've admitted and owned every mistake i've made in the 15 years we've been together but now that i've changed for the better (starting before the drop) that doesn't warrant a time frame for her to at least think about if its real before imploding our family. for freedom that i always encouraged her to have!!! do WAW ever come to their senses or does it become a pride and stubborness deal with them? i moved into an apt across the street from them so i could be there when they need me. it costs me half of my bring home and the parenting plan requires me to pay over 800 a month in child support. that would leave me around 600 dollars to pay for groceries, gym, other bills, gas. and the kicker, she makes DOUBLE what i make. i just feel really beaten down right now. i miss my family and my wife. she still loves me she's just afraid and thinks that a divorce will solve all her problems. the sad thing is, she's smarter than that. she wants to do it all herself and not need anybody. meanwhile, she'll call me to watch the kids so she can run some errands. 1 thing she is doing by herself is imploding a marriage without any thoughts of herself. it will be a wakeup when the D goes through and she looks around and doesn't have me to blame for her unhappiness. and those single friends won't be there when she needs them. they never are as all parents know.

[bravo61]

Saw the W this am. She called to ask for help with our D who got sick during the night. Immediately went over and she started talking bout the papers. She apologized and said that she wishes that we were who we are now through our marriage. She thinks I'm special and wants me to get to know her. It seems as if she really wants to get to know & be able to trust in who I am now. She wants to share with me who's she is and all the things she was afraid to let out when we were together. I let her know I was amenable to that but it has to be on her timeline because I don't trust her enough to reach out. Several times she looked into my eyes like she used to. She gave me a big hug told me I'm special and left to go to work. Any WWW out there with insight? There was no crying, begging, pleading, or acting hurt on my part.

[bravo61]

so took the kids to S8 soccer game. W met us there from work. hugged me upon arrival. after the game she invited me to lunch as a family. small talk at game and lunch. on the way to lunch (drove separately) S told me he didn't want the D to happen and he wants his family back together. held D so W could eat in peace (D still a little under the weather and tired). was pleasant to W and helped put D in her seat and hugged W when she left. she was interested in coming to my place to watch football game as a family, but D really wanted to go to her place and lay on the couch. W also threw out the suggestion of us (alone) doing something later in the week. i told her if she came up with something i would consider it. S came to my palce to watch the game. on the way to my place, S asked me if i wanted a divorce, told him he knew the answer to that. he said that i'm as nice as she used to be and she is acting like i used to. S thinks she has been brainwashed and wants his family back. this is all BS. why would you leave when you are finally getting the spouse you always wanted?

[Shakspr]

Bravo, I see way too many parallels between your sitch and mine to be objective at the moment. You are now officially in my prayers. I'll re-read your thread and if I come up with anything actually helpful, I'll let you know.

Investigate a Pro Se attorney and a mediated divorce. If you 2 aren't in conflict, it's much cheaper and you will be showing the W that you are taking the sitch seriously. Know your state law. She shouldn't be able to take more than 25% of your net for two kids most places, and if she out-earns you, you might be eligible for spousal support yourself. LEARN. These are just examples and I am NOT an attorney.

[bravo61]

Shake,
tell me bout your sitch. my wife really likes who i am just cant get past the resentment she held in so long. she's deathly afraid of the "old me" and making herself vulnerable to that again. i get that, but to not even wait and see is the tough thing. i can't help but wonder if even this D is a test. you don't test those that you have no interest in. my C is in complete agreement. just left her apt where i was playing in a "pig pile" on the floor with my kids. my c really thinks that it will take time for her to truly believe that this is who i am now, and of course she will have to truly forgive first. problem is she has to forgive herself too. she chose to lose herself and is afraid being with me will cause her to make the same choice. the child support was a wrong number as she was guessing at my gross monthly income and was off by a lot. she wants to go with me to have her atty adjust it which will cut it down by about 250. man i love her, i wish i could hate her! as proof that my anger does not control me anymore, since all this happened i haven't raised my voice in anger to her or really anyone 1 time. i'm not even mad at her, i get it. but she's wrong and this is wrong. love is a choice and i choose to love her. i would never have done this to her and she knows it. that's why she is struggling with her guilt of hurting me.

[Shakspr]

Bravo. Getting ready for church now, but I will get back to you later. Yours is at least willing to admit that the changes in you are worth noticing. I never had the anger issues, but check my threads (click on my name at the left, look for "Posts" and choose "This is terrifying..." to follow my path.) I was belittling and resentful at the situations her past caused us. Now that I am on a much better track - something that began happening 2 years ago - she looked around, decided she didn't love me anymore, tried to reignite on her own (she says) and that failed. I got the BD as a surprise.

I also discovered an EA that was possibly a PA as well, about a week ago.

Hang in there.

[bravo61]

worked for 14 hrs yesterday and got in bed to sleep. was up in a what felt like a panic attack less than 4 hrs later. literally felt like the walls were closing in. haven't felt that hopeless since the 1st night in the apt. all i keep coming back to is why? why would this person who has been my partner for 15 yrs not tell me of her pain? why would she not give me a chance? i just feel like she is losing herself while proclaiming she's "finding herself". it's like she's rushing through this D because she doesn't want to weaken. oh yeah, her best friend back home is in law school and was giving her advice while in a relationship marked w/infidelity. her former husband was a meth addict-and she's taking advice from her because she "gets her". wtf is up with the acceptance of the hollywood notion that your spouse is supposed to "get you"? how bout the man that is willing to put in the effort and humble himself to tell you he doesn't understand but wants to. i feel so lost right now. can any WAW offer any insight? i'm feeling kinda desperate right now and alone. thanks

[Wet]

Hi bravo, I'm not a vet but I can tell you that I've been where you are, with the nightmares, can't sleep, and my thoughts fixated on my W. The "why" question is the toughest one, isn't it? Do you think that it can ever be answered satisfactorily? Do you think there is a clear enough answer that would help you? It's tough because we are guys and we want to get our head around a problem so that we can "fix" it, right?

But I will tell you what everyone else here tells me - keep the focus on you. Protect yourself. GAL, and detach. The detaching will help you so that you don't think about the "why" question as much. And hopefully help you get your mind off of W as well. Stay strong.