Sooo, I didn't take anyone's advice including my own. Couldn't just stfu. Sent an email, in response to confirming parenting-and car-sharing plan for our upcoming holiday weekend...
"Sure. That plan sounds fine.
"H, I'm so sorry for my role in bringing us to this place-- where you've lost hope for our marriage and feel like this is how our lives have to be. And I do wish you peace and happiness in this new year." Already knocked myself in the head with a 2x4. So be gentle on my bruised noggin.
Sigh.
Claire girl, you need some padding for the helmet you SHOULD be wearing!...
Yes I'll post more later but I promise I will be gentle. OTOH, maybe you should take some aspirin, you know, just in case?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The refrain I've been hearing from vets lately is that the LBS always gets to choose in the end, and if you haven't chosen yet, then it's not the end.
Your H is hopeless, you say. Which means, he can not see HIS responsibilities in the relationship. Ergo, he can not yet be trusted to pull his weight.
This isn't about you not being worth the risk to him. This is about him not being ready to take a risk on himself. Don't let the narrative be about your personal shortcomings. There are two of you.
And I don't want to be divorced either.
Maybell ^^^ this is amazing wisdom! Amazing.
It is hard to wait for them to freaking be ready to take a risk on themselves though, man! I want to *SMACK* my H into being ready. Not really but figuratively. Think that'll work?
So... no response to my apology email (as expected), but a text this morning telling me he left the car here and shared a cute story about our D from last night.
Do I respond? ?
If my criteria is "what would draw him closer or push him away?", I feel like ignoring those messages where he reaches out in a human way (not just about logistics), would push him away...
Not that your H is in the mental capacity mine was but I experimented with my response to H. He was pretty far gone but at times he did share things about the boys or himself with me. I was completely dark and pretty much ignored all his texts unless it necessitated a response only in regards to the kids or house matters. It pushed him away. He stopped sending things and got his head further out of joint if that's the nicest way to say it. when I responded he would go back with a conversation (albeit short) via text. I'm not saying this is what is right for your situation by just my .02
You don't have to pursue to respond. A simple 'how cute! Thanks :)' or something along those lines would be sufficient. You can try it and see what happens. If it pushes H further away or his behavior becomes distant then you know that doesn't work. My H said he felt like I was being cold when I flat out ignored to pictures or texts he would send. I wasn't in a place to respond or even try to be nice at the time. Sorry I'm rambling.
Thanks. That's what my gut was telling me. He doesn't reach out like that too often. I don't assign much meaning to it, other than I'm just one of the only people (besides his mom) who would really appreciate those kinds of stories. .. but still.
you're right-- I hadn't seen that message. I want to thank you first of all for stopping by with your incredible feedback, and for checking in here as well.
And you are also right that it seems like I'm pushing for a temperature check. My stamina in this marathon is waning this week. And the combination of not sleeping well, plus the holiday, plus seeing my in-laws who, regardless of how they actually feel, act towards me like everything is totally normal and honky-dory. 'Hey, Claire! Happy New Year! Here's the leftovers from our family holiday meal that you weren't invited to because you are no longer part of our family! See you!'
And the back and forth of figuring out the complicated parenting schedule, while he asks me, yet again, to be flexible. It's been a stressful week and I feel shredded.
So, I had a moment of weakness and tried to check the temperature... looking for some small glimmer of SOMETHING that will make this feel worthwhile.
I know I have to stay strong. I just don't feel strong right now.
My BD anniversary is coming up in a few weeks... and right after that my wedding anniversary. I think I'm feeling pretty anxious about that.
Intellectually, I know I will be ok. I just don't feel ok right now. Thank you so much, everyone, for the hugs and advice. It means the world.
What do you mean your stamina is waning? What would be different tomorrow if 1) H came back or 2) you were divorced?
I used to run this little exercise when my victim tried to check in for a stay. What I usually found was there wouldn't be a many differences. One was, I would have ready (maybe) partner to do things with.(excuse the grammar) That's when I realized that I could still do those things, just had to invite people to do them with or I could do them myself.
The rest was inside my head.
Get out and GAL! Create the life you want, That's the key to moving through this. Take the focus off him and put it on you.
Challenge yourself to get through a week without thinking of yourself as married (I don't mean dating, that's looking for validation from others and we really need to be able to validate ourselves). Go out have fun, try a new hobby, learn to do something new, walk everyday.
You've given him all the power in your life. Take it back!
If your changes are true and lasting, he'll see that even from afar. He may be interested, he may not. You have no control of that and his interest really says noting about you. So the best thing you can do for you is create a life that makes you happy.
You don't know what he's seeing or what he's feeling. This is where I see you're not living your life, cause you're looking to him for signals that you're doing the right thing. Sort of living in a box created by him. Step outside that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks. That's what my gut was telling me. He doesn't reach out like that too often. I don't assign much meaning to it, other than I'm just one of the only people (besides his mom) who would really appreciate those kinds of stories. .. but still.
That sounds a tad bit resentful and keeping score right there. Sharing stuff about the kids is a great way to bond and promotes positive responses. In turn, these positive thoughts have a bomerang effect. Think about it, Claire.
Came home tonight to find a card from H: "The past year has surely been anything but peaceful and I can acknowledge my role in that, and on this holiday, say I'm sorry.
As you said, I hope we can both find some additional peace and happiness in the coming year. Perhaps you can find some sweetness in the beginning of the year [at this new restaurant that he knows I've wanted to try, and is very hard to get a reservation. It's a GC and he booked a reservation.] "I will take D that night, and hope you have an enjoyable evening."
I'm speechless. Help. It's a big, expensive, super thoughtful gesture. But he's obviously not asking me on a date (he specifically said he will take our D that night). Thoughts??
