Newcomer living in Hell

[bravo61]

so i was told by the W that the papers will be delivered today between 3-5p. i feel as if i'm tying the knot on my own noose! what happened to committment? oh yeah, and while this is going on, she is gonna pay a babysitter so she can go out with one of her single friends to dinner (which will of course involve drinking). she even mentioned that all her new friends drink a good bit and she needs to "get better" at knowing the line for herself. and she's suddenly decided to put a large add on to her small tattoo. at some point she's gonna have a moment of reflection. yet i feel compelled to be there for her and the kids as when she dropped the bomb the first words she said was that i wasn't there for her and the kids. i'm in hell!!!!!!

[bravo61]

mr. bond, sandy 2, 25 years, other vets, i would desperately love some guidance. and yes, i've ordered DR and it should be here early monday.

[Card29]

Hey bravo, you are totally normal for feeling like you're in hell. It is the worst thing I've ever been through, hands down. I'm no vet, but I have learned a lot so far. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? They're posted at the top of this message board. I would read them everyday.

In DR you will eventually read about the last resort technique (referred to here as LRT). This applies to people like you and me whose spouses have left, want a divorce, or anything else that is similar. Basically, they don't want to work on things right now. It consists of 180's, detach, GAL (get a life) and working in YOU since you cannot control or change her. The 180 is about doing to opposite of what comes natural when this hits. It is similar to Sandi's 37, but has some additional info:

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

Detach/GAL goes along with 180. It stops your downward spiral of constantly obsessing about your WAW, shows you that YOU will be okay with or without them. If you come off as needy or desperate, you will be even less attractive than you already are to them. It also allows you to start focusing on things you can change about you, and it frees up your energy to start working in those changes.

You also need to learn about Love Languages and Emotional Needs. So I'd also get the books 5 Languages of Love and something like His Needs, Her Needs.

[bravo61]

thanks card.
i have read 5LL and If He Only Knew, Tough Love, I Love But, and a host of others. i've learned alot about the ways i let her down and the ways i could've made her feel loved. it just feels like its too late. i just got the papers. i feel broken. she said that she's very sorry she just lost herself and when she needed me to be there, she felt that i didn't care and she's moving on.
she did reiterate that she carries her own guilt for her part in the loss of our marriage but she's done.
i'm familiar with the LRT but its hard because of the kids and that was part of my problem, i would withdraw from her and wasn't there for her and the kids.
i told her i felt bad for her as she won't find anyone like me. she said she already found someone-herself-and she had no interest in any of that right now. just struggling to cope with this right now. my friends and family are 2500 miles away, and i work nights so i haven't really had an opportunity to GAL, and every waking moment i'm with my kids as i have to be the father i should have been and by doing that it shows her i'm becoming a better me. it just feels so final even though she cries at the thought of hurting me. she did say that she was so sorry she couldn't be what i wanted right now. feel like my hopes and dreams are now a steaming pile of ashes

[LoveMyW]

What Card has said is right Bravo.. The GAL, 180's, Sandi's rules and detaching are the way to go.. Things do get better, so stay strong!!..

[bravo61]

thanks for the encouragement LMW. i feel as if i've been in a bad dream since i've been here with no apparent end in sight. i just don't get what the rush is for-and no-there is no OM. just resentment for things she felt she missed out on because she was 18 when we got together. her C even said that she has PTSD from our relationship-WTF. all i can tell her is that i didn't know how bad our arguments affected her and that i'm so sorry. i do know that D4 prays every night for her mommy and daddy to stay togethe and love. yeah that doesn't break my heart

[bravo61]

so to review:
i gave my w PTSD
she wants a divorce
has been planning it since Feb
she still loves me
hears the things i said to hurt her when she sees me
but still wants to do things alone with me(not sexual)
hangs out with a bunch of single bar hoppers at times
says i'm an amazing person now and perfect dad
doesn't want to give me another chance
suggested and planned a family vacay in mid-Oct
cries at the thought of hurting me
said "part of her" really wants a divorce

confused as me yet?
it's like she wants to blow up the marriage and see what happens next-as if she wants to see if i'll maintain who i am now. talk about a mind F***. she has always had a problem with reflecting those around her and she is not getting wise and Godly counsel from anyone in her circle. but what can i expect-this is the Rose City

any WAW out there that can offer any insight?

[bravo61]

oh yeah,
and she's still very attracted to me
and all of a sudden she wants to get larger addition to her small tattoo

[bravo61]

conflicted about spending time alone with her but if she initiates it shouldn't i do it?
i would like the opportunity to get to know the parts of her that she kept from me and she said that she would like for us to get to know each other. she said that she kept those parts from me cause she was afraid of my reaction or i wouldn't care so that would show her that i'm not necessarily who she assumed i was.

[fpw1998]

Bravo61
I can totally relate. H paid the retainer fee for an attorney today. I figure by the end of the month he will get his way. I want nothing more for the light to go on and he realizes what he is walking away from. I have had no contact with H. BD through text messages. Now I feel like what's the point. H lives in another state and he is desperately searching for my replacement. This is so beyond messed up...