Wife having emotional affair part 3

[3kids]

Well, sort of conflicted. A while back, I mean months ago. I had told the wife that I would help out when ever she needed me to take the kids for school work or school. Well it came up tonight but she had the oldest call me and ask to watch them so she could work on a paper for school. I had to say no because I subbing on the bowling league tonight. So I feel a little guilty. BUT and a big but, she could have asked me today when we talked to watch them and no word was said. And it also odd to have the oldest call me and not her. Plus why did she have to have it done at the last minute. Plus tonight is a big night for football fans in minnesota. So I'm thinking some buddy came up with plans for the night and needed a baby sitter. But that's just a pretty good guess. I think Sandi said just be a little less available.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks you 25yrs and Sandi.

I did not react to anything. I just let off some steam and calmed down. 25yrs she is being very selfish right now with the kids. But what did you mean it could show a clue?


You are putting words in my mouth. What I said was "or MAYBE she's just being very selfish but if so, I doubt it would last that long b/c it sounds so out of character for her..." Please note the correction and keep in mind that I try hard to use words with precision. So, don't quote me inaccurately.

I don't know what you mean or whom you're addressing when you say "what did you mean it could show a clue"? Please explain.

Had a very ruff morning with d9. She couldn't find the right cloths for school and that became other problems. Had to leave her home for a second to take the boys to school. That's when the oldest let me in on something, he said dad I don't think the cloths are her only problem today. Man I'm not bright! So when I got back I talked with her and of course that was the problem.

I'm impressed that your oldest gave you the inside scoop. Good!

Very upset about the divorce and dad didn't catch it. So she stayed home with my mom until I can get off work early to spend some time with her. We already had a cry session this morning that got her calmed down a little.

Do I let the wife know or just handle it my self?

Handle it yourself BECAUSE--

1) She'll probably find out anyhow, and it will mean something to her to Not have you tell her.

2) DO not be the messenger of bad news that can reflect poorly on your w, TO HER. b/c then that's all she'll "See/hear" and

since it's coming from you, to HER it will just be more hypocrisy and criticism from you
AND

3) therefore, much Less likelihood that she'd even consider trying to reconcile.

The worse you make her feel (or try to) the more she'll want to flee your presence.
It's said that when men feel guilt, they attack. I think when women feel guilt, they leave.

Just my .02

How are your GAL activities going? Can you name 2 you are DOING this month?

And what about the 180s?

The DB program works if you work the program....Give it a real chance, Please.

[25yearsmlc]

Well, sort of conflicted. A while back, I mean months ago. I had told the wife that I would help out when ever she needed me to take the kids for school work or school. Well it came up tonight but she had the oldest call me and ask to watch them so she could work on a paper for school. I had to say no because I subbing on the bowling league tonight. So I feel a little guilty.

You may want to feel "not guilty" but that just means you detest the discomfort of knowing you may have triggered your wife's negative feelings towards you. Fact is, she did not ask you in time AND you had plans. The End.

Let go of the "guilt" if that is what it is. It's not appropriate and where the head goes, the heart will follow ---IF we let it. Most importantly, You KNOW she has no "right" to be angry w/you, so that has to be enough for you.

BUT and a big but, she could have asked me today when we talked to watch them and no word was said. And it also odd to have the oldest call me and not her. Plus why did she have to have it done at the last minute. Plus tonight is a big night for football fans in minnesota.

All ^^ the more reasons for you to be at ease with your choice. Chances are that she wanted the kids to ask instead of you, to avoid interactions with you AND b/c she assumes you'd have a harder time saying "no" to them, than to her.

AND OR she wants to avoid feeling that you have done her a "Favor" and that you'd assume she "owes" you something,

LAST MINUTE "EMERGENCIES".;...I really think waiting til the last minute to ask something of another, is usually a passive aggressive way to "have an emergency need" for them (self inflicted of course, but admitted) that takes priority over your well planned event. You "just HAVE to help her out NOW or else..."

(Wouldn't it be nice if she'd said she "dropped the ball on this one, but could use a solid from you and will pay you back with 2 days of kid time, or whatever, but to have her OWN her mistake and ADMIT she is asking you to help her out,
at which point you don't rub it in her face, you do it cheerfully (meaning next time, when you do her a favor don't make a big deal out of it or she won't ever ask you for anything , but this time it's a "no" from you b/c you have other plans...period.

Maybe she hoped a miracle would happen, and someone else would volunteer to watch the kids and she'd have to do nothing... or OR -- WHO KNOWS??

But it is Not relevant to Your plans, which you already made, and which you already told her of. SO, let go of this whole "non event" now and move forward.


So I'm thinking some buddy came up with plans for the night and needed a baby sitter. But that's just a pretty good guess. I think Sandi said just be a little less available.

We all said be less available in this situation, and so do the books.

BUT ONLY DO THAT IF YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE DOING IT...we can't be the director of your film. You must be. You must know why you are doing whatever you do and you must always keep the big picture GOAL of yours in your mind.

IF doing X gets you closer to the goal, great. If not, do not do it.

No it's not easy - but it's also Not very complicated. Make sense?

[PatientMan]

Then she started talking about how she hasn't payed bills in a couple of months(she has the money but just hasn't payed). And money is the root to all evil.

This is very commonly misquoted: The LOVE of money is the root of ALL KINDS of evil. Money, itself, is completely amoral.

Good job validating.

To piggyback off of what Sandi said, don't play games. That can certainly go under the "be an honorable man" category.

Until it all becomes habit/aka the new you, have an internal dialogue where you judge your potential actions before you make them. It's old and and very wise advice: think before you speak or act.

-PM

[3kids]

Here is a good question. You said don't play games, but I think the wife is. Every weekend I don't have the kids on Fridays she always texts me and asks if I work the weekend. Just like she just did. Some times it's to ask to do stuff with them and sometimes it's just to see what I'm up to. Now I'm not good at this whole mysterious stuff. So how do I respond?

[sandi2]

If you have plans, just say, "I've already made plans". If she has the nerve to ask who, what, when, and where.......I would just give a little soft chuckle and say, "I'd rather not say". She may start asking even more questions then. If she does, just say, "Bye wife" and end it. By then, she surely will get the message she is being nosey and trying to take advantage of you. Yes, be less available!

You don't have to make up something, or lie to her. Just don't fill her in with all the details of your life. She is having an A with another man, and IMO, that action/choice by her--limits how much information she can have about your personal and private life.

It doesn't take much to be mysterious to women. Simply not giving detailed information will spike her curiosity.

You may see it is as game playing, but Michele suggested it in her DR book. When your WAW doesn't know what all you do with any given day, it makes you more interesting to her. Whereas, giving her an account of every little thing could have the opposite effect.

[PatientMan]

Just to be sure I'm being clear on my end to 3kids, I don't consider not giving precise details to her when she has chosen the route she has chosen as "playing games". As sandi2 said:

She is having an A with another man, and IMO, that action/choice by her--limits how much information she can have about your personal and private life.

With that said first, the following isn't playing games (at least in my book):

If you have plans, just say, "I've already made plans". If she has the nerve to ask who, what, when, and where.......I would just give a little soft chuckle and say, "I'd rather not say". She may start asking even more questions then. If she does, just say, "Bye wife" and end it. By then, she surely will get the message she is being nosey and trying to take advantage of you. Yes, be less available!

You don't have to make up something, or lie to her. Just don't fill her in with all the details of your life.

Also to be clear, I'm not speaking for (or against) sandi2 at all.

Your W has chosen to not act like a W. By default, she loses privileges with that choice. You aren't playing games, you aren't punishing her, you aren't (shouldn't be) acting out of spite, you are treating her with respect to her decision-making.

Lastly, and this is just a suggestion from experience, turn your phone off or leave it in another room. You can't reply to it if you don't hear it go off.

-PM

[3kids]

Thanks you two. It is what I thought it was. I take the kids for her on Sunday nights so she doesn't have to put them in daycare. So she can go to school early early Monday mornings. Replyed in a text "why". Wife "just seeing if you can take the kids at 4:30". Then a real quick reply "so I can pick up a shift at work". Then another real quick reply "no big deal if you can't". I replyed an hour later saying "8:00 works better for me". Wife "okay".

I've learned to trust my gut on stuff. Pretty sure she had a hot date with OM and wanted to dump the kids on dad. She did this a couple of weeks ago and I figured it out and didn't say anything. God I miss my kids but a couple of hours is not going to kill me. Plus I do have to work but she doesn't have to know that. She isn't curious about me anymore just proabably looking for a way to be with OM.

PM in the place I'm renting I have a big tin shed that doesn't get service so there is a quiet place for me.

25years I haven't forgot about your questions just haven't had time.

Thanks so much you three. I really appeaciate your advise and help!

Patience and hope is all I have.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks you two. It is what I thought it was. I take the kids for her on Sunday nights so she doesn't have to put them in daycare. So she can go to school early early Monday mornings. Replyed in a text "why". Wife "just seeing if you can take the kids at 4:30". Then a real quick reply "so I can pick up a shift at work". Then another real quick reply "no big deal if you can't". I replyed an hour later saying "8:00 works better for me". Wife "okay".

I like your answer. And it was true. No game there. But as Sandi said, it doesn't take much for a woman to feel a man is "Mysterious". Merely not providing all the details is you being "mysterious". And it cannot hurt your situation.

In fact, I'm a tad embarrassed, as a "co-woman", to admit that a lot of women get intrigued by the tiniest "mystery" from their men. So, I would advise you to NOT give details but always ALWAYS give the impression that something FUN is going on in YOUR NEW LIFE.

Remember #17 on the list..."you have had an AWAKENING" and your life is changing...for the better. With, or without her. WHY?

B/c You are a gifted man with Fun friends, who do interesting things & go to cool places. (In fact, you're so busy GAL galore, you can barely finish reading THIS fascinating post!! )

I've learned to trust my gut on stuff. Pretty sure she had a hot date with OM and wanted to dump the kids on dad.

THIS is ^^^ mind reading AND it's all negative, so it's called "Stinkin' thinking' " and remember to tell yourself, YOU do NOT do this anymore....seriously. How can you stop doing that?

I'd urge you to watch a TED TALK video (youtube) by Alison Ledgerwood " Negativity & Unstuck"
or Shawn Achor on the Power of Positivity" AND OR Amy Cuddy's on "Fake til You Become it".
In each of these powerful discussions (10-20 min each) the speakers show us with empirical research that the way we think affects our lives externally. So our "insides" have a cause and effect relationship with what "happens to us outside" in our lives. We literally must think more positively and we will see positive results in OUR lives pretty fast.

We have more control over how OUR lives go, than we knew.
(And Zero control over any one else's...)


She did this a couple of weeks ago and I figured it out and didn't say anything. God I miss my kids but a couple of hours is not going to kill me. Plus I do have to work but she doesn't have to know that. She isn't curious about me anymore just proabably looking for a way to be with OM.

Stop the negative assumptions. No reason for them.

PM in the place I'm renting I have a big tin shed that doesn't get service so there is a quiet place for me.

25years I haven't forgot about your questions just haven't had time.

Thanks so much you three. I really appeaciate your advise and help!

Patience and hope is all I have.

Patience is a virtue we can all work on, and hope is not lost. In time, you may come to find that regardless of what choices your wife makes, you really will be fine. In fact, the growth that CAN come from this "ordeal" (I can't think of another word for it)

is vital to our long term happiness. It's not just a cliche to say that "it's thru failure or hardship that we learn the most." It's a fact.

Surely adversity has taught me more about myself and what's important in life, than my successes. And it is b/c of the marital challenges my h and I faced, and endured, that I am a better woman. If we had not made it thru this, I'd still have learned a lot.

I just wish there'd been another way to learn all this. (I often think, "gee God, why not let me win the lottery and test me THAT way?? I promise not to be a jerk!"

But alas, I ended up here. )

Anyhow, for now just Keep on keeping on!

[sandi2]

I just wish there'd been another way to learn all this. (I often think, "gee God, why not let me win the lottery and test me THAT way?? I promise not to be a jerk!"

Oh, you did that too?