Forgot to mention that at the end of dinner he asked if I could keep D14 while he went out of town for a couple days for work (to the same place where I suspect he had an affair a couple months ago since he was very secretive about that trip). So perhaps the dinner was just his way of buttering me up to ask for the favor. Just like he asked me to take a walk when he wanted to ask to borrow the weed whacker. I hate to be suspicious and negative in my thinking toward him, but I'm also a realist.
I guess I should just be grateful for the free meal and leave it at that. I just wish he wouldn't string me along. And he never mentions ANYTHING about what he's feeling or thinking or doing. Nothing about the future or our relationship (which is good since I should be avoiding those topics anyway, I suppose). But STILL! It's crazy to sit through dinner and just smile and make small talk as if all is right in the world. What a weirdo!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
They are living in some sort of of parallel universe, aren't they? If it didn't cause me so much pain, I would actually find it kind of fascinating. At least your daughter got to have dinner with both of you. I'm sure she enjoyed that.
She did! Plus she got to bring her boyfriend with her and sit at her own table with him. I think she enjoyed the feigned normalcy of it. Although I'm not thrilled how obsessed she is with new boyfriend, it's a nice distraction for her amid all this other stuff. Plus, the boyfriend's parents are also separated (mother wants to pursue relationships with other women). So at least they have that in common (the separation thing, that is).
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Spoke to an old friend last night. She mentioned that she had noticed in recent years that H was unable to make real connections in conversations with others. He would pretend to listen to their story, then interrupt to talk about himself. This is consistent with what I've been seeing in him lately -- a trait that he inherited from his father. This inability to really listen and connect with others is likely why he feels that he has no close friends, and why he feels distant in our relationship -- or why he is looking for intimacy with someone else perhaps.
Bottom line: this is a person who is, for whatever reason, very self-absorbed and has difficulty connecting and caring (really caring) about others.
This is not someone I want in my life.
For me, happiness comes from connecting with others, building lasting relationships, friendships, and a sense of community. I had always provided this for H in the past, and he was perhaps dependent on me for those connections. Now he has to build them for himself, which is an important learning process for him -- one that he desperately needs. I hope he can figure this out for his own sake.
As for me, I'm grateful more than ever for my dear friends and the support of all the folks on this board. I know I'll be okay on my own without him, if that's what's to be.
Yesterday I Skyped with a friend in London whom I've known for twenty years. Later that night I spoke with a friend whom I've known for 25 years, and with another whom I've known for 37 years. Plus with my sister. And I went walking with a newer friend in the morning and had lunch with another newer friend.
I feel very fortunate. Thank you all.
Last edited by Ahoy; 10/02/1401:28 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy. Rd here. Just read your posts and i am amazed at your strength. You seem to be doing great I hope everything turns out as you wish. Take care rd500
Hi Ahoy, isn't it odd to try to make small talk with the elephant in the room? But then at the same time you don't really want to discuss the elephant at dinner anyway!
I hope asking you for a favor wasn't his reason to take you to dinner, but with these crazy WAS you just never know what they are thinking or doing. And the self-absorbed thing is also such a huge part of their crisis I think. They can only think and talk about me memememeeeeeee. Well, it has also been a problem of mine lately but at least I tell my friends and family that I am aware of how self-obsessed I have become.
It's great that you were able to remain calm and confident at dinner, that's the most important thing in this marathon.
And kudos to you for all the long term friends. It really is a lovely thing to have that.
Agree....congrats to you for maintaining those friendships. I am jealous of people who have that. I am horrible at it, which has mad my situation more challenging. While there is pain in your situation, the fact that you have so many LT friends should be proof to you that you will be not just OK, but awesome. You have great friends on whom you can lean. Do not forget that. People with LT friendships are special people. You clearly invest in people, care about people and put other's interests ahead of your own.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thank you guys for chiming in, and for the words of support! Even though I have great friends, I'm really trying not to overburden them with all my relationship talk these days! It's hard not to fixate and talk about this single topic nonstop. I have to catch myself sometimes and redirect my attention toward my friends and their lives.
Shodan, good to hear from you. I'm sorry you struggle with friendships. I don't think it's an uncommon issue for a lot of men at this stage in our lives. When I moved to this new town four years ago, it was depressing not to have friends here. It took a while -- and a lot of effort on my part -- but I now have plenty of friends here. But I had to reach out to them first in many cases, and invite them over, ask them to go on hikes, out to dinner, etc. The way the relationships became deeper and more meaningful was through the exchange of information and emotions. I expressed care for them, and vice versa. It also meant asking them a lot of questions about themselves -- which is not something that everyone feels comfortable doing. Anyway, this is the advice I wish I could give my H, but instead I'm sharing it with you in case it's of use. I've found that MeetUp groups are a good way of meeting others who are interested in making friends, too.
In other news: my father's swollen lymph node is benign! Thank goodness. I'm still glad that I booked my travel plans for the holidays in advance though. I got some slack on a different thread about dividing up the holidays and planning my travel separate from H, but I just can't take my chances with getting stranded and alone on a holiday when I could be with my family. I guess that's being defensive, but I'm being really open and accommodating about everything else, so I guess I feel I have to do this for myself.
Tonight I'm going to a music thing that D14 and I usually attend together, but H has to bring her since she's at his place. So I'll likely have to see and interact with him. Luckily, I'll be busy with the music stuff. I always have dread leading up to these encounters, and then they usually afterward I wonder what I was so worked up about. It's not like he's going to make a public proclamation or anything.
Hope you all have a fun and peaceful weekend!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Great news about your dad, Ahoy! Very pleased to hear that.
I so hear you about the dread of H encounters. I think even a couople months in, the weirdness of interacting with them on a level other than spouse is just too disconcerting. It doesn't help that I have a laundry list of DB suggestions (look great, smell great, be friendly, make eye contact)- it makes me feel like I am on a super important job interview and can't make a mistake every time I see him. I assume it must get better after awhile.
