Since you sent that last email response to W, I'd suggest that you go pitch black dark and not have any family events with W. Make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that you will not live in an open marriage. Period.
From here and on, only have polite exchanges about the logistics regarding the kids.
Aren't you and W still living under the same roof? Just double checking here.
Thanks for checking in on me- I decided to take a self imposed break from the boards as I was becoming pretty obsessed with waiting for responses to my thread as well as reading every story on here. I found it was becoming difficult to fully detach when I was constantly on here.
So to pick up from where I left off, W and I exchanged several texts after my email that day, including 1 where she said she was 'done.' We went back in forth in a conversation that would have earned me some major 2x4's, but the end result was that she was unsure if she was going to her MC session. I left it at that and a few days later left for a friend's wedding 8 hrs away.
Had a great time catching up with friends and ended up staying a couple days with my brother and his girlfriend, who live near the wedding site. It was so nice to get my mind off things and just enjoy time away.
W stayed at the house with the kids while I was gone for the first time since March. The MC emailed me that W had cancelled her appt, but then rescheduled (she went earlier this week). Our next session is this upcoming Monday, where we'll read our homework questions to each other (What are the problems? How have each of you contributed? ...etc)
I hadn't talked to W since our text exchange. She had sent me a text the morning I left for the wedding asking if I wanted to take her car and that she'd bring it over, but I didn't respond as I was heading out the door. We text once I got back and I asked if she wanted to do anything for her bday (this Sunday). She responded that she didn't want to do anything as she was feeling overwhelmed and was even thinking of cancelling her plans with her friends. I got the old 'life svcks' text and how much she misses the kids. I'm guessing her MC session combined with 'playing house' while I was gone is probably hitting her hard now that she's back to reality.
After W dropped the kids off last night, she text me asking what we should do for her bday. She wanted to do something with the kids, but wondered if I wanted to do something just the two of us later in the night- so that's the plan for now. With MC scheduled for Mon, I'm not pushing the no-contact letter/transparency deal until then. I made it clear in my MC session that that would be required, so MC knows where I stand and possibly already addressed it in W's session.
I'm not pushing the no-contact letter/transparency deal until then. I made it clear in my MC session that that would be required, so MC knows where I stand and possibly already addressed it in W's session.
And yet you're taking her out on a date for her birthday.
Tar, your WORDS may tell your wife that youre not ok with this, but your ACTIONS clearly say something very different.
I'll start with yesterday- W's bday. As a family, we went to lunch, then a corn maze. W and I then went to dinner. Overall a positive day- I don't recall any negative interactions during the day. I felt like the roles were reversed as W spent the day asking me plenty of questions- about the wedding, the trip, what I did, etc. At one point she even asked me a few questions about fantasy football. I don't think she would have asked about that even pre S. I couldn't help wonder if that was 'homework' from her MC session.
So MC session today where we spent the hour reading our homework answers to each other. W's weren't as thorough as mine, but for the most part we seemed to agree on what led up to this point, how each of us contributed, what needs to change, etc. MC seemed to be on my 'side' most of the session, especially when I explained my reasoning behind moving back to the house and that it was my decision and W had her own to make. Felt good that MC backed me, but I could see it angered W.
Now we come to my confusion....I had told MC about the no contact letter and full transparency in my one on one session and although she wasn't aware of that approach (and DB in general), she seemed on board. However, tonight when I mentioned that I would need access to email, etc to help rebuild trust, MC was against it. She's definitely pro-marriage and wants us to work, but I was taken back by her recommendation. Basically she said that W giving me all her passwords would cause the opposite effect- more resentment. I explained the difference between privacy and secrecy in a M and that I needed to feel secure that OM contact wasn't ongoing. MC asked W if she'd be willing to close her facebook account (their method of communication), to which she said yes. She then asked me if I'd be willing to go along with W when she hangs out with the OM circle of friends. W said she'd be willing to take me along, but acknowledged it would be awkward at first. MC said it would show solidarity in our M to show up together. I told them that I wanted no part of 'hanging out' with OM.
We had to move on as time was running out, but that really threw me for a loop as it's opposite of the advice I receive here (and other places) and seemed so strange coming from a MC. I know the feedback I'm going to receive as a result of this post, but I want to sit on this 'compromise' for a few days to process. I'm really just shocked at the moment.
I could go on about what else was discussed- me doubting feelings would return when OM is still in the picture, W noticing my increased confidence in myself, MC asking W to commit to the M 1 day at a time, but this post is already long enough. Our next session begins solution based therapy.
On one hand, W and I do seem to be getting along better and she seems open to several things MC recommended or asked of her that display a willingness to work on our M, but on the other hand- is continued OM contact (and interaction) something I'm willing to live with?
After a couple days of reflecting, I can't help wonder if MC proposed this option as a result of W's one on one session. A lot of mind reading here, but I know W struggles with separating OM and this new group of friends. Her view- we've been apart for a full year and in that time she's formed new friendships and created a new life for herself. I get that. Me asking her to give up OM contact in her mind is asking to give up this circle of friends, otherwise she would always have to find out if he was going to show up (this much she told me).
I still need to think on this and it definitely needs discussed further in MC, but if I was to decide to go this route, the minimum required would be- some type of communication to OM (and friends) that no one on one contact occurs (email, text, etc) and that it's clear W and I are working on MR, all gifts/texts/emails destroyed, facebook either shut down or he's blocked, she agrees to notify me of any contact... The question is- is this enough to make me feel confident in rebuilding trust in W??
Has anyone seen a case of this being successful when OP is not removed completely? MDU's sitch is the only one I see remotely 'similar', although that's more out of necessity (work).
Sandi- W has told me in MC that they still talk occasionally, but really not that often anymore. That she's told him that her and I are working on things. If facebook remains their primary mode of communication, I believe her as I rarely see her on there anymore. I used to see her on, then off, then on again, which to me meant they were texting. haven't seen that in weeks.
