glad to hear that things are going well there on your mountain. good luck - it's interesting that it alllll is variations on a theme - all of our paralell sitchs.
my h did eventually stop being soooooo "lookin" for things wrong & picking & flying off the handle. here, i don't think it means toomuch- but at least it's alot more easy to "live with". you are so right that they need to make us "the enemy" - or else they are totally "the rat".
just had a phone chat that was perfectly pleasant & normal. h returns here tues - then a trip up to new england- look around, enjoy the leaves, etc.
like you- i will "settle" for peace & harmony. i cannot "do" open hostility and am glad it doesn't seem to be around that much any more. It all makes me anxious to just "get on with it". I squelch that also- .i know the drill - no expectations.
It's alllllll too long and slow and big a bore- this whole (apparently necessary) process. I don't say it or show it - just sayin here, to you. 3 yrs, five years - i can't even remember. long long time - oh well huh?
no expectations, no end in sight , just here holding the fort. i keep telling myself at least i'm safe and not starving and not in bad health- a heck of alot to be glad for. so, why can't "we have it all" - again?????????
At this point, it's drilled into my head that I will continue to ride the roller coaster for a long time, as long as I can stand it, anyway.
I have seen the ups and downs all along and I am fully prepared for him to cycle back around.
In fact, just this morning he sent the "I won't be there" text about tomorrow. No explanation, even though he usually gives me one. (Pushes my buttons, no doubt part of why he does it. In the past, his passive aggression has included being vague or deliberately misleading as a way of asserting some "control". Whatever. That's his problem.)
Although I briefly run the scenarios through my head: "What? Does he have a DATE? From his dating site?" "What will she be like?" "Should I be worried...?"
I stop myself from thinking along these lines.
The fact is, I have no idea. He could well have a therapy appointment, just want a night off, be doing anything or nothing.
I can't stop it---so why bother working myself up about it?
But this type of text still irritates me a bit, because it seems a flagrant "in your face" because "I'm being deliberately mysterious and vague to keep you off balance" type of move.
But then again, I'm probably reading WAY too much into it.
He's just asserting his independence from mommy and not giving me information because he just doesn't feel he needs to.
I stop myself from trying to understand why one week he'll give me detailed accounts of his whereabouts, and the next, pointedly not tell me anything, or outright lie to me. (Yes, I've caught a few of those too, about things that are so inconsequential that lying about them is silly, but whatever.)
In accordance with how I would like to be treated, I let him know where I'm going and how I can be contacted. I am a responsible adult, and since I am the primary caregiver for these animals, he does need to know if I get stuck somewhere or how to get me in an emergency.
This ^^^^ is only IF he is staying here and I am gone late or overnight.
When I am here alone, I don't tell him my whereabouts or much of anything else. I know he looks at the bank account every day, so he has a good idea of where I am based on my spending. By the same token, I could monitor his whereabouts the same way, but right now I choose not to because it constitutes snooping and just gets me worked up.
I don't tell him about every my appointment, so why should he? If it impacts the other person, I think it's common courtesy to do so, but courtesy, empathy, and manners are still pretty much MIA on his end.
But yeah, it bugs me that he just states he won't be here and doesn't give a reason since I'm the one who has to cover for him. I do believe this is deliberate on his part.
"Why?" is an answer I probably will never get.
For myself, I continue to be transparent. I have no reason not to be. ----------------------------------------------------------------
I was at a party last week where people were saying: "Don't post this or that pic on Facebook!" (It wasn't even a wild party--pretty darn tame.)
I laughed about it with a few (mature) friends and said "I don't care what pictures of me they post!" If I look ugly, I can untag myself! I am never going to get caught doing anything that I don't want people to see. My own mother can look at anything I'm doing, anywhere, with anyone, and feel proud that I'm her daughter. The same goes for my husband. I firmly believe that integrity is about how you behave even when no one is watching. And integrity is something I do have and value highly in others.
I have a great time doing lots of things, but I don't do anything I will later regret. ------------------------------------------------------------------
On the upside, H's same "I won't be there text" had a few good points.
1. He ASKED me yesterday if I'd be available tomorrow night before he made this announcement. In the past, he'd almost never check if it would be a hardship for me or not.
2. He didn't ask "how LATE EXACTLY" I'd be out Saturday night. (Good thing, because I had my speech planned about how from now on he was going to have to manage whatever discomfort he had about me not being definite about what time I'd return home, instead of me enabling him to avoid dealing with whatever the issues were that caused this discomfort. So far, that little talk is on hold.)
3. He also said he'd stay over here Saturday for sure, and maybe even Sunday. This is a big deal because he NEVER stays Sunday night. He has to be to work really early in the morning on Monday with all that entails. Usually he's ready to be away from here by Sunday afternoon, and to be honest, I'm ready to see him go too! I'm also not ready to be around him all that much. It's too hard.
But this ^^^ means that he will be here all day Saturday, Sat. night, all day Sunday and Sunday night. AND I WILL BE AROUND A LOT DURING THAT TIME.
Hmmmmmmm...... I'm not making much out of this, but it is A CHANGE. ----------------------------------------------------------------
Wonka, you asked what things I saw that led me to believe that his depression is lifting.
It's subtle things, really. He smiles more, he's been cracking a few jokes. He smiles AT ME.
He doesn't seem as anxious to get away from me, although he's hardly chasing me down to spend time with me.
He appears to like my company as long as we're busy working together and talking about the job at hand. I don't think he's ready to just hang out and shoot the breeze "socially".
I couldn't take much of that either right now.
There is a light in his eyes. He doesn't look as "gray" in the face.
He's lost that bloated belly... carries himself more upright, more upbeat in his mannerisms.
He is calming down...before he was in a constant, anxious kind of motion. It's like he seemed uncomfortable in his own skin, and couldn't get away from himself. The constant business seemed like it was keeping him distracted and prevented him from thinking about things that maybe he didn't want to think about.
Now he's told me he's working on "Chapter Two" of his "book". Yes. This man who hates to read and write, the terrible speller I married, is actually two chapters into a book on rescuing animals.
The fact that he can devote himself to, and sustain his attention on something that is SO out of his norm, and taxes abilities that are not his strong suit--well, that says something. (I don't know WHAT it says, but it is "different".)
He is less condemning about other people, and has said a few nice things about me, and others.
He has expressed ongoing concern about my mother and her degenerating condition. He asks for updates almost daily. This is more like how he used to be.
He has still not asked me about how I am doing, but he probably afraid I might upset him with my answer.
He is reaching out to people again. He has been back in touch with his college girlfriend. (He says SHE contacted HIM, but who knows. She's on the other coast.)
Prior to OW, I was NEVER threatened or jealous about former girlfriends. I still feel that way. But OW is different. That still pisses me off. -----------------------------------------------------------------
From what he says, she's a mess. (I don't think he's lying about this, I've heard from others that she has been living in a shelter, pretty much a shell of her former self.)
She's his age, and is suffering from a lifetime of drug abuse and bad living. She was a damaged person from the start, which he knew, but I think he was saddened to learn that she has basically ruined her body from drugs and is now a recluse.
That she never dealt with her demons, and this is what happened. She's alone, sick, and has wasted most of her life. He felt about her like she was a kindred spirit back in the day. This could be HIM if he doesn't turn things around.
He has been in touch with her several times from what he's said.
I used this as an opportunity to validate his caring for her after all these years, how sad I was for him to learn this, and for her. For him to let me know if this musical project she's working on comes about because I'd love to hear it. (True.)
Funny, he talked about her quite a bit. I guess she sent him pictures and he said he was shocked--that she looked like she was 100 years old.
Then he talked about some other old pics where "She was always so cute. She could have been your sister."
I have seen old pics of her and that's true. In many ways, she and I are a lot alike in personality, interests, and more.
The main difference is that she was an emotionally damaged girl from the start (a bad attraction for him).
And I am mentally/emotionally healthy and available.
However, in the big picture she was NOT like OW, except for being damaged.
She was very talented, perhaps more than he, and admired her for this. She could also do the "guy stuff"...That's another similarity she and I share.
And he WAS NOT THREATENED BY HER ABILITIES.
So perhaps he really DOESN'T want a needy, co-dependent, put-him-on-a-pedestal/stroke his ego/act like a hooker with the porn replays type like his OW was. -----------------------------------------------------------------
Instead of being concerned with him being in contact with an old flame, I am encouraged. He has shown concern, TALKED TO ME ABOUT HER, and recognizes how her life unraveled. He has drawn favorable comparisons between her (his big love) and me.
I also used this conversation as another way to inject a few "Truth Darts".
About how she did the best with what she knew, that she made mistakes, but it's good that he still cares for her and she is now doing the work to turn her life around. How lucky she is to have people who love her no matter what, and how that support helped her start to get well.
That redemption is possible. And people can still love you, even although they might not like what you do. ------------------------------------------------------------------
But he IS better. It's just baby steps, but it's definitely THERE. It's encouraging, even in small doses.
I find myself hoping that as he comes into the light he will see ME as a good thing, a desirable thing, and not use his newly found energy (and sense of self?) to find a "better replacement".
I suppose it could happen. But there's nothing I can do about it, so no use worrying about that either.
I'm just getting on with my DB/GAL/PMA/STFU/CTHD program, and it's working for me. I'm making myself happy.
Making himself happy is up to him, however that turns out. I like to think that being with me is an enjoyable thing. He's the one missing out, in my opinion.
And so unfolds another day on the mountain!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
This is a bit of a harmonious phase right now, and believe me, I am taking advantage of every minute of it!
I am finally finding my way to walk that fine line between "moving forward" and "keeping the road home paved." It's not easy, but it's getting easier.
It IS about focusing on myself 100% or close to it. Improving myself and controlling my own behavior. Letting the rest GO. -----------------------------------------------------------------
The fact is, I just don't give H ANY REASON to dislike or avoid me, or spew at me. (Not that he needs one, but it's harder to fight someone who doesn't react or engage, who meets your anger with peace. Like Ghandi.)
There is really nothing he can point to to say: "SEE? THAT is why I need to divorce her."
He's got----NADA. ZIP. ZERO to pin on me. No ammo whatsoever. He is grasping at straws to get angry with me. He still tries, but I just kill him with kindness.
But I am not a doormat and he knows this as well. I don't tolerate disrespect and my boundaries, as they exist now, are firm. I am strong and independent. Which is not to say I don't want a partner, and wouldn't appreciate help. I just don't "need" as much as I thought I did.
I'm sweeter, more compassionate; a better listener.
I give him all the space he wants, am happy doing my own thing, without needing him to make me complete.
I am upbeat and fun to be around. I am busy learning and growing, and spending lots of time with people who enjoy me and are hosting me almost every weekend. (Gee. If all these people really like me, what's up with him? That's got to sink into his GUBU brain somewhere...)
Although H is no longer on FB, his "Work Wife" and friend of ours has been commenting positively and frequently on my various Facebook adventures. She had stopped completely, being a much closer friend to him and probably hearing lots of crap about why he needed to be rid of me. Now I have no doubts she is giving him an earful at work about how much freaking FUN I'm having!!!! Knowing him, he's curious. And I am GALing like crazy. Great pics, great times. All there for him to see I'm not making this up. I am having a wonderful life.
I have learned to be caring without interfering. To allow people to be who they are. If they are unkind to me, I don't need them around.
And it's not an act. It's real, and it's me. That's WHO I AM NOW.
I have improved myself as far as being less judgmental, validating and listening more, talking less. Letting things go. Waiting and being calm.
I've learned to modulate my voice and body language when I'm upset. (And around him, that's a lot of the time.) I'm a bit softer, more "feminine" in a way... just backing down a bit and not being quite so powerful, at least in my physical expression. I am showing more vulnerability, more capability. I am playing up my sexy side, which I had been playing down because he objectified my body so much. I encourage him to find his own solutions, and stop myself from solving problems that he is struggling with on his own.
I am more clear in my communication, verbal and nonverbal.
I am more appreciate of him and what he does for me. For who he is.
And I give him the respect I feel he deserves even if he himself doesn't think he deserves to get it.
I don't condone bad behavior, but I believe in treating ALL people with respect. That definitely includes him.
And it's who I WAS as well, I'm just "DBing-Improved". Like a bionic Goat Gal!
And it is paying off with everyone, not just H.
---GGG
PS: I have learned SO much from this board, that I am one who can say that even if I can't save my marriage, I am a better person for this experience. I am so grateful to everyone for their ongoing support and encouragement. I am literally a new and improved Goat Gal.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I did tell H about it... he seemed OK with the idea.
So far, anyway. ---------------------------------------------------------------
GUBU was silent all day yesterday and didn't even tell me he was coming, He showed up unannounced, (regular time) but didn't say a word. I KNOW he does this deliberately for whatever reason, because he ALWAYS tells me when he leaves work, or if he'll be late, etc. So not doing so is a deliberate act.
This is the second day of this phase. The day before he didn't say he was on his way, but finally texted me when he was down the road. Okay then. Whatever...
But if he was hoping for a reaction (like me saying to "please not show up unannounced, common courtesy", etc.) he didn't get one.
I just ignored it. Like all bad behavior.
I told him afterwards via text that I was surprised he had been and gone. As if to say I was so busy practicing I didn't even notice how late it was and that he wasn't here yet. Because he is not IMPORTANT enough for me to actually CHECK.
Telling him that his not calling/texting he was on his way, and not caring what time, or whatever... it didn't even register with me.
So whatever he was trying to achieve by that little passive-aggressive act, he didn't pull it off. _________________________________________________________________________________________________
So here's the weird part; ANOTHER CHANGE:
I jokingly sent a text to him after he left asking: "Wow. I didn't even know you were here. I didn't see your truck and I was even out gathering firewood. Are you invisible or something? Weird..." PS: "That was a joke "
(True about getting wood. So he knows I wasn't avoiding him, just didn't see him.)
He replies: "Yes. Invisible. And Shape-Shifter. Whichever..."
(Hmmm. "Shape-Shifter"??? Means he is one thing, then another. Absolutely.)
Later on he starts these weird text volleys to me. It turns out to be the longest REAL text convo we've had in recent months. It wasn't about our R or anything.
H: Goes on and on about his "book", finally says "it's a memoir".
I ask:"A memoir? I hope this doesn't mean you're planning on kicking the bucket soon. All that "unfinished business" ya know. LOL..."
H:"First chapter is about our first rescue dog..." (OUR dog. That we got when I was in school. That we got because I loved animals....it changed our lives forever.)
ME: About our first dog: "That's a great story to remember..."
Then he CONTINUES:"Gotta write, every day... gotta write, that's the way...." (HUH? Okay....? This is WEIRD FOR HIM to say. Doubly weird for him to go on and on like this. He said "Goodnight/gotta go/later/bye" four times and yet kept on chatting with me. I had said goodbye every time. But he kept popping back on.)
I say "I'm writing every day too, no book for me though."
H: 'Book, schmook... first chapter is done... next chapter: "THE BASTARD".
("The Bastard"???? Hmmm. I didn't bite though.)
Me:"I guess I'll just have to read it sometime. Goodnight."
Gotta go, get some things ready for Farm Boy. We will have a Guinness on the porch afterwards to celebrate the absence of GUBU tonight.
I have GAL activities scheduled all weekend. We'll see how it turns out....
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
It is nice to see your spouse slowly return to "normal" with smiles, jokes, and feeling a bit more upbeat. It appears that his work with his IC is "working" and having some impact on him. All of that is good for HIM. You gain a side benefit from the IC too. And you didn't have to lift a finger in the IC's room! Sweet!
Dang...I'm really, really curious to know what GUBU meant by "The Bastard." I am sure it'd make for some riveting reading! Ohhhhh...the agony of not being able to break into his diary and taking a peek at it....ohhhh man.
By the way...how did the Farm Boy work out for you? Did you get a look at his young and lithe body?
Just a quick update---things been KWAZY up in here!
Farm Boy is a "go"! Friends have said he's "into" me. I can't see it, but then again, I'm clueless. He's 24! He's also pretty darn hot in every way. Nice, muscular, sweet, good dancer, loves animals, makes his own Kombucha, talks to me about growing herbs, chicken breeds and nutrition, music... and he plays blues harmonica. What's not to like? He also lives right down the road. In donkey-riding distance! The boy does contact me several times a week, asks to tag along... whatever. Anyhow, I'm choosing to remain oblivious at this point for obvious reasons.
FB (Farm Boy) came up last week to hang out, drink some Guiness, play some music, and talk about some projects. I tried to steer the conversation away from me living here alone. When he got here, it was apparent that things have gone to seed around the property, waist-high weeds, wood that needs splitting and stacking, just lots of things left undone. It was obvious that I'm not holding everything together, and that GUBU has pretty much bailed on me in a big way. I saw that clearly through FB's eyes. The truth stung; it was not pretty and I think he started to feel sorry for me.
I don't want anyone's pity. I am making the most of things and that's all I can do.
In any case, I have him lined up for some gardening to start and GUBU knows about this. So far, so good. No drama.
(And, noticing him noticing me... well, at least I know my sex drive isn't dead after all. And no. No funny stuff. Just stating a fact. Good for me to know!) -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As for GUBU (yes, he's back to GUBU again) I have been holding my tongue.
I did my gig with the blues band on Sunday and they liked it so much they asked me to record with them before the end of the year, maybe do a CD.
I shared this with GUBU and although he *said* (via text) he was happy for me, he quickly followed this with: "So glad you had the free time to pursue this."
That's about where I lost it.
Seriously?
I wanted to say: "Please refrain from pointing out how "lucky" I am to have found myself in this wonderful situation, how "grateful" I should be for my ability to be happy....and for all that "free time", being alone 24/7 unless I can manage to get out of the house..."
Yeah. It's all Butterfly Farts and Velvet Rose Petals in this house!
He continues to act like HE is the one who is having a hard time.
But I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I wrote the text/email more than once. Then deleted, deleted. I am still fired up.... But I had a big swig of STFU and CTHD.... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... ________________________________________________________________________________________________
But things are going quite well for me at the moment. I'm a bit stressed now because he has said AGAIN, that this Sunday he wants to "talk about the future for us."
GULP. Here we go again!
I have decided that I'm not going to tell him my plans "for the future" because: 1. I have no idea what they will be. 2. He needs to extend himself somewhat and not just ask me to put all my cards on the table. 3. I am fine with the status quo. I'm not changing a thing. I'm doing much better emotionally and I have no desire to mess with that. 4. He is the one who needs to do the work. Either he will, or he won't. 5. He knows FULL WELL what I need to even consider moving closer to a R. I don't need to repeat myself. 6. I am not giving one inch on my boundaries. I don't need to, I don't want to, and it would not be good FOR ME.
On the plus side:
He is still in therapy. He is still working on his "book". I have seen the bank/cc statements and there is nothing to indicate he is doing anything other than going to work, sometimes drinks with staff, going to therapy, and coming here for chores. Nothing hinky whatsoever. (No--NOT snooping, but I had to look to check a deposit as well as a fraud notice....and while I was there....) He is communicating more via text and in person about more "personal" topics. He is staying here longer and not avoiding me as much. He isn't asking so much about my specific schedule--but strike that--he started that up again today. He stayed here Sat and Sun last weekend without incident. That was a big thing. We have been working together side-by-side successfully on various projects. He continues to say "we" and "us" about various household concerns, and slipped on Sunday and called me "Honey." I don't think he caught it, but I did. Although he has tried to push my buttons, I have successfully avoided taking the bait. I can't say this has been easy, but I've been able to do it. He generally has been in more contact, but true-to-form, after moving closer together, he sort of backs off for a day or two. Which is fine, because I feel the same. Being around him is exhausting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The thing which seems to p*ss him off the most is me being happy and moving forward. He seems to want credit for facilitating that for me. And that gets my goat. (Get it? "Goat"??? Hahahaha! )
He seems to have forgotten that I have been singing and playing since I was little kid, and had a semi-pro music career before we met. He acts as though he has "given" me all this ability and drive.
Sure, he paid for some instruments, sure, he stays here so I can go to gigs, and I appreciate that. However, the TRUTH is that prior to meeting/marrying him, I did all those things MYSELF and I can certainly do that again. He needs a reality check on that one. I'm the one doing the work. Yeah. I have plenty of "free time". Being alone every night will do that for a gal.... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He has continued to allude to talking about the "future", granted with no action or information coming from him, so I still don't know why this is coming up, from whom, if it's something he wants or something he's feeling pressured to do.
As the wise DBers say: "In time, all things will become clear." So I'm waiting. Pretty patiently, I must say! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry I have not been around to comment on everybody else's threads. I have just been working really hard on my GAL/PMA and seeing if I can carve out a new identity as the musician I USED to be. So far, it seems to be working.
GUBU can try and take credit if he wants, but I know who is making it work, and that's ME. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's all for now! Another "talk" to come. Or not!
Y'All will be the first to know!
Your Pal,
The Goat Gal
---(G)GGG xxxxxooooo
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Hey Shining---thanks for stopping by. Glad I could make you laugh. Sounds like everybody can use one these days!
I apologize to all for just lurking on your threads lately but not posting. I am trying to limit my computer time...and also the time I spend focusing on my sitch.
I do read up on your progress most evenings...but there has been plenty of traffic so I don't feel *too* guilty. (OK. I do. But I have decided that I can only feel guilty about things I've really done wrong, and I'm trying to let some of those "shoulds" go. I have WAY too many of them.) ---------------------------------------------------------------- Anyhow--UPDATE:
Farm Boy came yesterday and was here all day. (OMG. He looked like something from a male stripper revue, you know, the costume before the costume comes off...he even had a machete...but I digress... )
We actually got a LOT of work done and it was wonderful being able to formulate a plan and carry it out with someone who was upbeat and cooperative. (I hate to contrast this with working with GUBU, but it's the truth.) He will come back again next week to finish up a few more things.
I also really enjoyed his company. After we were done we sat on the porch and just talked about all kinds of things, laughing, mostly. It is amazing to be with someone who also stops all conversation when he hears a bird call, and jumps up to see what bird it might be!
There was a priceless moment when a raptor screamed loudly overhead, and we BOTH jumped up and dashed off the porch to crane our necks to see it. We actually bumped into each other. He yells, "It's a Red Tail", I said, "Yeah, really searching for something", he said that call was the "searching for a mate" call (!!!) ..... And he was right. Weird.
He unearthed a copperhead in the overgrown vegetable patch and excitedly called me over to see it. Who calls a girl over to see a poisonous snake and thinks it's a good thing? Wow. Loved that. I didn't see it, but I think his snake identification skills are spot on and they do live around here. We spent some time trying to uncover it to get a pic, but it disappeared. Hopefully not into some crevice where I will soon put my hand...
This kind of thing rarely happens to me--to be with someone who is so similar in quirky ways. So nice to feel that. I think we will continue to be good friends.
There was more simpatico stuff, about the food I made for us, all kinds of things. He is also high fat, low carb, knows his herbs... has low blood sugar problems. So many things were said where the other one said "Wow. I KNOW! You too????"
Then we got onto religion because of this one girl who dumped him.
He is very religious...yet we were laughing about some of the issues we see in some of the young Christians in our area. I was guarded about expressing my thoughts because I didn't want to offend him, but he was all "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT! That drives ME crazy too!!!" We were rolling....
There was a lot more of this type of thing. Let's just say, it was a REALLY nice day for me. I mean, this guy was there, feeding my chickens from his plate out of his hand, and calling them by name.
Even GUBU doesn't know their names. I was impressed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When he left, he asked about my dance plans for the weekend and said maybe we'd do the same thing over the weekend, carpool, whatever. As a group. Not as a "date". I said to him more than once that I am not dating and will not get involved with anyone. So he knows. And we both expressed a pet peeve about people not being clear in their intentions. If I had a dollar for every guy who asked to "hang out" (I said no) but didn't ask me on a date. These days one party can think you're "dating' when the other one just thinks you're friends sharing common interests. I have to be very clear in my intentions and what invitations I accept.
As fun as the companionship was, in the end I am still married, and still committed to working on restoring a marriage with my H if that is possible.
Also, Farm Boy-Toy is WAY too young for me, (although GUBU's OW was 30 years younger, half his age), he wants a family, no way anything will ever happen there, but it's just nice to be appreciated. He did mention he lost his virginity to an older (divorced!) woman. (Not nearly as old as I am, but still.) Not much in keeping with his religious beliefs, and he regrets it. He thought they'd be together forever. So he does like 'em "well seasoned"! Oh yeah, he still lives with his parents! I just enjoy the attention and keep on laughing...
I also told him that I had an understanding with my H that we were not to have people of the opposite gender in the house. I don't want him, or anyone else, getting the wrong idea or it causing problems in my M. He was not here as a date, just to do some work as a friend. That needs to be clear to everyone, including my nosy neighbors.
Farm Boy-Toy was fine with using the bathroom on the lower level (GUBU's BATHROOM!) and coming and going from there. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah yes. GUBU. Have to talk about him for a moment. As predicted, he is back in full force. H has gone back into hiding. *Sigh*
I KNEW he'd be mad when he saw the work done by Farm Boy-Toy, and he was. Even though I was very upfront about needing the help, what I was going to have done, and what he would be paid.
GUBU has deliberately NOT contacted me AT ALL since his last nasty text about how "Lucky I was to have so much free time" to pursue my musical career.
He has showed up unannounced twice, has said he won't be here this day or that, no explanation, and in the same breath asking for when I was coming and going.
I just didn't bite. I KNOW he was trying to push my buttons, that he was trying to "get back' at me for SOMETHING. It didn't work, but that didn't stop him.
I did think a bit about what might have set him off THIS time. It was more than the usual "we spent some nice time together, got closer, and now have to back off a bit" cycle.
This was passive-aggressive nastiness. Very subtle, but definitely there. Meant to hurt me, get my hackles up, control me/my activities, threaten me with "HIS paying for "all my FUN".... that sort of thing.
Which shows me he is hurt/frightened/frustrated... that he is NOT getting what he wants from me, so he is resorting to his old standby of manipulation, rather then just coming right out and saying whatever it is.
(This is something which needs to stop if I am to remained married to him. I just don't want to live like that anymore.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
H and I had a really nice weekend, things were cool...
But then it hit me.
On Tuesday, we worked together with our donkey, and after the farrier had gone, I went inside for a minute and H left suddenly.
I texted him "Wow, you were fast! okay then.. bye! "
He CALLED me (rare) and said--"Hey, sorry, I didn't know you wanted to hang out."
ME: (DUH!! SLOW ON THE UPTAKE!!!) "Ummmm.... no, umm.. just wanted to ask you about (I forget what)... um, no.... that's OK... um..." (I was tired and distracted, to tell the truth. I was not firing on all cylinders.)
Him:"Oh. I *KNOW* it's "OK"...." Really snippy. And then some other testy chit.
I was wondering why he went from calling me, all upbeat, to "Oh I KNOW it's "OK"" snarky.
HIS FEELINGS WERE HURT. (He still has feelings for me. Yes he does. It's clear as day. A&&Hat!) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yup. That's right folks. He wanted me to WANT to hang out with him. Even if he was going to reject me, like when I invited him to "Woof and Wine". When he didn't even thank me for asking him to go. I decided after that rejection that I wasn't going to stick my neck out again for awhile.
After this there was more button-pushing by him about his upcoming plans to be (vaguely) "doing *other* things", while continuing to change his schedule over and over, a deliberate attempt to prevent me from making any plans for myself.
I nipped this in the bud by saying, "Hey, please do whatever you need for yourself. I'll work around it. You work very hard, you deserve some time to have fun.."
This p*ssed him off even more!
So he amped it up a bit, some nasty comments about the work FB-T and I did yesterday, fishing to see if he was here. Implying I was lazy or something, pointing out my "failures" in one way or another.
Ok then. It was all bullish*t, meant to hurt me, said everything about his insecurities and nothing about me-- so it didn't bother me. I really just laughed out loud reading this stuff! (That's a HUGE improvement for me. :)) -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What was interesting was observing him trying so hard to bring me down, thinking about how that shows how insecure, jealous, angry, and pathetic he is at the moment. Here he is, getting everything he said he "wanted" (no wife, lots of time for porn and girls, whatever) and it's just not panning out how he thought.
I am clearly TOO HAPPY and not miserable enough! It's as if he's angry that I refuse to stay under the bus where he threw me until I've been run over so many times that I'm just a pancake Goat Gal and can no longer peel myself off the pavement! Then he could just roll me into a paper tube and store me in the closet until he decides to unroll me again. Or not.
I guess my real *mistake* was not just dying after BD. Letting him collect the life insurance, and leaving him here with all his money and everything just the way he left it, only WITHOUT ME. Life would be perfect, I guess. I am throwing a monkey wrench into his wonderful plans.
That picture has been and continues to be his idea of what divorce will be like, what he thought he was getting. Too bad for him it didn't go that way and there isn't a darn thing he can do about it! And it makes him MAD that he can't control how things are unfolding.
I realized recently how much he has tried to control things over the years with his passive-aggressive behavior. And it's not working on me anymore. This also makes him MAD. He's just MAD, MAD, MAD!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyhow, back to Farm Boy-Toy. When GUBU hinted about me really "impressing" him by doing "ALL that work ALONE"... I knew he was looking for info about FB-T.
True to my values, I was honest and said yes, as we'd discussed, of course Farm Boy had been here. (Obviously, I didn't do all that ALONE. Which GUBU knew, he was just trying to get something to use against me. He's really stretching now.)
GUBU replies how he isn't"keen on paying him to do things you're perfectly capable of doing alone."
Yeah. Thanks. That was nice!
But what did I do? I AGREED with him!
Me:"I agree, we shouldn't be paying for jobs we can do ourselves." followed up by other nice stuff. And he got even madder!!! Mad because he JUST--CAN'T--GET---MY--GOAT!!! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today he screwed around with his schedule again, finally settled on not being here tonight.
To which I replied:"Cool. That works out well for me then. Thanks for letting me know."
My new tactic is going to be asking HIM for HIS schedule so I can be accommodating by working around him. Let's see how HE likes being pestered about EXACTLY WHAT TIME he will arrive and leave, WHAT DAYS he will not be here so I can plan.
Traditionally, he has always asked for my plans, and then planned around that. Hmmmm....
Sorry for the typos, I am on the fly here.
Happy Friday, all you wonderful DBers!
PEACE OUT.
---(G)-GGG
PS: Sorry for the super-long post, but I am trying to avoid locking my thread every week!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
You know how dog training goes. Yeah, you're now training GUBU not to get all passive-aggressive with you. Good job on not rising to his lame-o baits. You're fast on your feet on them.
Ya know...men can get quite competitive if there's a young buck on the scene. Like the Poe analogy...eh. I think GUBU is no different in this regard. Basic animal instincts. If they were rams, oh boooyyyy...they'd be locking horns. There's no real good old fashioned entertainment like the Green Eyed Monster.
Originally Posted By: GGG
My new tactic is going to be asking HIM for HIS schedule so I can be accommodating by working around him. Let's see how HE likes being pestered about EXACTLY WHAT TIME he will arrive and leave, WHAT DAYS he will not be here so I can plan.
A new petri dish experiement??!! My ears are perked up here.
I AM trying to "train" GUBU. Ignore the negative, reinforce the positive.
And yes, he *said* he was "fine" with FBT coming to help me, but I knew deep down that it bugged him.
I told FBT the Rooster story, about how H was so angry about the young black rooster, Poe, ousting the older one, Bart. And FBT says, "OMG. You're talking about (Giant, Muscle-bound, Great Hunk-o, Gorgeous, Guitar-Playing) Dance Guy we're all friends with!!!!"
Yup. He got THAT right! Yes, it's surely emasculating to know that you aren't taking care of your wife, animals, and property, and she has to hire someone to do what you can't, or won't, do.
So he gets angry at ME and complains about the money, about my inability to be Wonder Woman and lift giant boulders all day, then get up at the crack of dawn and do it all over again.
I actually understand this twisted way of thinking. But it shows me how lost he is that finding some external cause for what he's feeling is still his mode of operation. ----------------------------------------------------------------
The sad fact is, I am growing and learning from this and have really improved how I look at things, cope with life, and how I feel within myself.
He, on the other hand, is really struggling. Time will tell if he is ever able to be a whole, loving person. Although I see some improvement, he has a long way to go.
And at this point, I will not settle for what I got before, even long before his MLC/OW and all the rest.
Looking back, I see how poorly he has coped with many things over the years, always resorting to this passive-aggressive manipulation, blaming, running away from important issues, keeping secrets, trying to "be" something that perhaps, deep down, he wasn't.
I wanted to believe that the H that I knew was the "real" one. Now I'm starting to wonder. He is a very damaged person who managed to hold it together, more or less, for most of his life.
I'm just not sure he will EVER be what I need. I need more than just "not being" all the things I don't want. I need a partner who can be, at the least, the core things I do NEED in a R. Not perfection, just certain qualities have to be there.
I don't know if GUBU will ever be able to be that.
And that thought does help me to detach. Every time I start thinking about the future, getting dumped, what he's doing, getting divorced; I remind myself that unless he changes dramatically, he's actually done me a huge favor.
I am still relatively young, healthy, and can get a second chance. I wouldn't necessarily have that if he pulled this act in ten years.
And there is nothing to say that if we cobble things together, that he won't do exactly that.
So---I am still here, still standing, but leaning on the fence a little.
I still find I'm happier without him. He's just not very much fun, very self-centered, and, to tell the truth, I think it's pretty PATHETIC that I get all excited that he doesn't run away from me, or simply isn't nasty to me.
Really. How low can I possibly sink? He texts me "Goodnight" and I feel GOOD.
This is my HUSBAND. This is RIDICULOUS.
If I hit the lottery today, I'd call the locksmith, file for D, tell him to keep his money and good riddance. Hope he finds the endless parade of "Daddy Issue" girls to keep him company... whatever.
I'd be so far gone his head would spin. And I would never see or speak to him again.
This speaks volumes. And it's the truth. Has been for some time.
I need and deserve SO much more than this nonsense. And if I can't have it with him, then I won't be with him. And if no one else is able to fill the bill, then I'll be happier ALONE.
So sayeth the Goddess of Goats. (Maybe a bit under the influence of the toxic mists of the Oracle. Or perhaps Hard Cider.)
But I'm in for the night, bailed on my First Friday plans. Just a bit tired. Got big plans for the weekend, and since he wants to "Talk about the future for us" (Round Two! Or NOT!) I need to keep my wits about me.
Goodnight, Divorce Busters...
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
. 
