H is chatty today. Texted me first to chit-chat about how he found a mobil hotspot for his phone (since he had the internet shut off at the house in anticipation of my leaving) and the cable company could shove it, then asked me if I was 'really' going to pay for SD12's karate. I told him that I absolutely will, because I want the best for her; and I miss her greatly.
He said he's going to tell her to text me when she gets her iPod back (after being grounded for the incident the other day) and feels like she should know that I'm taking over the responsibility for karate because I love her. If her mom gives issues about if she finds out, he'll settle them.
We made plans to do the oil change in my motorcycle after I get out of work today, so I'll be spending at least a little time with him.
Blah. Hate this 'friendly friendly' thing; it makes me go "hey, we could be doing this AND working on an R, that's not so bad, is it?"
I won't, of course, but...yeah. Blah.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Also, when we were talking about SD12, he mentioned that "if she moves in with me at some point in the future, then it'll be my choice who she hangs out with", meaning he'd let me see her without an issue.
While that's wonderful and I'm glad, it struck an arrow to my heart about how decided he seems on us parting. Just...settled. Decided. Done. No hope for me or our R.
I know I'm not supposed to let that effect me and I'm supposed to detach to the point I don't give a damn what happens, but it made my tummy squirm and back came all the unpleasant "icky" feelings associated with not wanting this.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
You got that right, bdub. I'm betting that when I move out, it'll be easier to maintain an even keel. As of now, even with infrequent contact, it's like constant up and down because of his words and actions. Which, yes, I get is the point of detachment, but detaching is easier said than done as we all know.
In some ways, I'm very much looking forward to going dark -- but you know how it is when you love someone dearly. It kills you to even think about not talking to them; especially when I know H would be receptive to friendly texts and communication. I'm going to have to work extra hard to stop myself from reaching out.
So many conflicted feelings.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I hear you! I know W has to leave before she will ever consider R. We talked about it. Honestly I need her to leave before I can sort everything out. I am SICK of cohabitating and being in limbo. I have a list of things to do once she's out. Half a page long. It's going to hurt like hell but I am ready.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
You're initial post kinda reminded me of me so thought I'd give you another point of view.
First of all, what brought you here the first time? How was that sitch resolved?
I haven't been here in a long time because I found that some of the DBing decidedly worked against me. Keep that in mind when you read my thoughts.
I totally get that trying to do the 180s seems confusing and sometimes at odds with not pursuing. I remember the confusion and anxiety at not knowing the "right" thing to do. You understand that you contributed to the breakdown of the R and you want to fix it because you are desperate to fix things.
But it's like you've totally forgotten that he cheated on you. There is no excuse for an affair. If things were really that bad (and I do believe they could've been, BTDT) then he should have come to you then and ended things.
You deserve better than an unremorseful cheater. In the limited R talks you've had he's made it clear that he blames you for everything and you seem to buy into that. Not true!
It's great to GAL, have PMA, and do 180s that are positive changes for you. But you should not make changes to get his attention or get him back. That won't work because if you do get back together without both of you doing real work then you'll just end up here again. And again. Which seems to already be the case.
I know that you feel like you have so much time invested that you don't want to leave. I was with my BF for eight years at the time of his affair. But looking at the big picture, you're still young and you still have plenty of time left to be the best person you can be and therefore attract the best kind of person to you.
Stop all of the temperature checks. Stop the mind reading. Focus on you and how you are going to make meaningful, lasting changes. Getting your internet addiction under control is a great change for you. Working on detachment is something else that would benefit you greatly. Have you read this article?
You must let go of the rope. Your BF has declared that he is done. His actions support this. You gain nothing but pain by not believing this and acting accordingly. Stop being friendly and for heaven's sake, stop the sex! You say you have no expectations but every post you make screams the opposite.
I know this sounds harsh. I am truly trying to help you because I have been there. I was on the roller coaster. I was trying to figure out how to get things back on track. I was thinking about every move I made. And then I let it go. Why? Because I realized that I deserved better. If he wanted to throw away all those years then so be it, that was his decision. I knew that I could work on myself, learn from my mistakes, and maybe find someone who would appreciate and love me for me.
So I kicked him out. Went dark on now exBF because I wouldn't tolerate a friend treating me that badly. I made plans to move out of state. I focused on me and started to like me again. I even started to enjoy attention from other men. Lo and behold my exBF pulled his head out of his a$$ and decided he wanted me back. But by then I didn't want him back. I had a list of requirements that he had to meet just for me to consider taking him back. We spent months talking, working through things, started dating again and I still wasn't sure. Reconciliation or piecing is a long, hard road and it took over two years and another separation before I decided that I wanted to stay with him.
I don't tell you this to get your hopes up about reconciling. I have many DB friends who ended up divorcing. But they are much happier now because they also realized that they deserved better and their partners weren't willing or able to do that. I was lucky that my H did want to do the hard work.
The only reason this was possible is that he knew that I was willing to walk away. We both know that I will walk away if he pulls anything like that again and I will be OK.
Sorry for the novel, I hope you can find something in here that helps.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I appreciate the thoughts and the opinions you've taken the time to write out. I certainly see what you're trying to get across, and in some aspects, agree with what you're saying.
That said, I'm not here to give up on my relationship, I'm here to try to do what I can to save it. I had a long, drawn-out post written about this before, but it was "eaten" and disappeared after some maintenance. In that post, I mentioned that I think my view on DBing is different from many people here.
Psychology is the study of human behavior and pathology (that is, what people think, why, and how that influences their behavior and actions). MWD used her expertise to write a book to help couples figure out how to come together rather than fall apart; even if one of them is out the door and has given up all together. To me, the side benefit of this system of DBing is that, done properly, the "trying" spouse ends up in a mental place of being "okay", regardless of what ultimately occurs in the end.
Let me repeat that: the side benefit.
I believe that the first purpose of being here is the belief that any relationship and situation has the POSSIBILITY of being saved, if at least ONE of the participants cares enough to try to save it. Of course not every relationship can be saved with DBing, but MWD has given the best strategies and tools for a good, solid attempt.
If I wanted to drop the rope completely I wouldn't be on a site that supports fixing, rebuilding, and renewing. I'd be on a different forum, discussing how I can just forget the cheating bastard with as much peace as possible. Obviously that's the exact opposite of what I want.
I love him enough that if there's any hope he might change his mind and there's anything I can do to influence that, well, I'm going to be mindful of the fact that my actions don't exist in a vacuum. He will see I'm willing to take the first steps; I'm willing to be the first one to make changes to not only how we interact together (by changing my piece of the interaction), but some of my larger, bigger issues: MY issues that affected ME adversely and that trickled into our R (and those I'm not fixing myself FOR him, I'm fixing them for myself, because I had some habits that were totally dangerous to my mental health and well-being; him leaving was a wake-up call for that).
In the end, he will see changes he can take to the bank, and count on - as far as me being willing to address and change other, more in-depth issues with "us"....that things wouldn't NOT (and SHOULD not) stay the same if he were willing to give it a chance.
No, he's not blameless in our relationship. I never said he was. He's got plenty of flaws and contributed a whole lot to our problems: but I can't FIX him, I can only fix ME. When/if he ever wants to work on our R, we can work on addressing his portion of the situation, but SOMEONE has to put down the pride and start.
In the end, yeah. He may never be willing to give it a chance. I don't know what's going to happen in the end, but I do know that no matter what occurs with H, I'll be okay, because I've been getting a life and working on my mental attitude, and improving me.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
This is what frustrates me with DBing religiously without questioning.
No, you cannot fix the R on your own. It simply won't work. You can never control someone else and that includes convincing them to come back to you.
The only way that it's possible is if you drop the rope and set him free. Then you do you without any thoughts about him or your R. If he sees what his life will be without you, sees that you value yourself enough to work on you, then you may have a chance.
Think about this: why would you want someone who doesn't want you? Do you want to waste months or years of your life chasing someone? I know you don't think that's what you're doing but, trust me, you are. As long as you are giving off the vibes that you'll be waiting for him to change his mind he will not see you as someone of value.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
This is what frustrates me with DBing religiously without questioning.
No, you cannot fix the R on your own. It simply won't work. You can never control someone else and that includes convincing them to come back to you.
The only way that it's possible is if you drop the rope and set him free. Then you do you without any thoughts about him or your R. If he sees what his life will be without you, sees that you value yourself enough to work on you, then you may have a chance.
Think about this: why would you want someone who doesn't want you? Do you want to waste months or years of your life chasing someone? I know you don't think that's what you're doing but, trust me, you are. As long as you are giving off the vibes that you'll be waiting for him to change his mind he will not see you as someone of value.
