I will not text him. I will not. No. No to the phone. No to my thumbs. No to those thoughts. Let it go. After this post, I will grab my car keys. I will get into my car and go for a drive. I will play Pandora as loud as I can and sing. There may or may not be a new pair of shoes that mysteriously show up in said car. There. Temptation has passed. That is all.
Good job! I'm a shoes girl too- can't wait to hear what you got!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I love boots:-). I admire your will power for saying no to the dress. I have a weakness for those too.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I used to wear dresses more than pants at the office. So much more comfortable and fun. .
My D13 just started paying attention to fashion....actually, boys.....which causes one to care about appearance, which brings us back to fashion..... Anyway, she got me into scarves again.
She's also letting me do her hair in the mornings, which is awesome. We did one of those buns in the shape of a bow today. .
This "time" is definitely a gift, in ways I wouldn't have imagined.
First, let me say how much I appreciate your continued support on my thread.
I wanted to read up on your sitch before I posted to you.
Secondly, I am so glad to hear that you are feeling more upbeat and grounded. That whole "I want a D" via text thing is tough. (I got mine via misspelled email, not much better.)
It's the coward's way and I believe they're well aware of that fact.
I also think the pain caused by such reading such a message really puts our DBing skills to the test. It's incredible that you didn't do much more than have a text war... I know for me there was a part that thought "To heck with it! Might as well say what I want because it's all over now." (Of course it wasn't but sometimes letting off a little steam is very understandable! It's just the shock and grief talking.)
Then it was wonderful to read how so many supported you and helped get you back on track with how great YOU are and all the things you have going for you. Your children, your spirit, your kindness as you've demonstrated here.
How BIZARRE that in one breath your H can say how he wants a divorce, and the next he's talking about how he's crazy attracted to you... WTF?
You've "ruined" him? Does he mean other women will never compare? Probably right! Clearly he's very confused and as others have suggested, he's still trying to make it all better and D is the next step. Or not. Also odd that he is talking about how picky he is about other women...but he's getting all this attention... but it's not working. And that's somehow YOUR fault?
I know I am probably missing some vital detail, but boy. I've never read that one before!
He is certainly an interesting specimen. Perhaps he'd like to join my laboratory experiment and keep GUBU company.
You'd have to come up with a catchy name for him though! (Or is he "BOB"? Or maybe that's Bring On the Bacon!!!!)
I am just impressed with how you're doing.
Shine On!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GGG, glad to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by!
Yes, H is a wackadoo in many ways. In responding to GGG, I'm going to journal some recent lalaland activity.
Let me preface this update, with the fact that I'm not focused on every little thing anymore, nor am I writing about this to vent. Just documenting the recent events.
Im feeling this week, that I'm no longer affected negatively by H thoughts and actions. I'm recognizing these things as part of his journey, and signs of the normal things he just never learned.
Texting about the D? Yep. He is a coward. Even preMLC, there were many things he was unable to face or do for himself. Funny thing, tho, at work, he is the person that even his BOSS looks to if there is someone who needs to be fired, conflict resolution, all their negotiating....so he has the business skills. But, it if there is emotion attached? He'll run.
I also think he is confused about whether he really wants a D. First, he doesn't realize what that looks like for us. We would not be friends afterward. I will eventually date. I know without one doubt that will bother him deeply.
I used to have the wishful thinking that he will just come around because I know he loves me. I still believe he truly loves me, and our friendship and bond preMLC, while short, was very supportive and connected. We really liked each other.
But, he is claiming NOW (new reason, since nothing else was proven) that the blame for problems were all due to my kids. He said a while back that he is "still resenting" the way my S18 behaved on our trip a year ago summer...there were a few moments I did have to set S18 straight about some sibling bossiness/dominance, but put into perspective, that is normal teen stuff. Compared to the issues with his kids?? That bossiness/dominance plus name calling, swearing, hitting, destroying property, drugs and alcohol....is the way his kids speak and behave on a regular basis. His version is just not even a little bit true. I'm not just being biased.
The strange thing is, I am 100% certain he is still very attracted to me. I actually think that makes him mad at times. He wants me, but he can't go back to the feeling of being out of control in his own house.
He talks about living alone, and how he will have the place spotless without all the kids leaving their messes everywhere. That was a sore spot for him. Our house was not show-room perfect, we had our small "piles" of backpacks, shoes, etc. But it was cleaner than most everyone's house with kids I had seen.
Growing up, H mom was a hoarder...H hated that. She still is, and H still hates it. I wonder if that's part of the fear of being a sloppy house.
Oddly, when kids and I moved, and his kids lived there, the house was filthy. Dishes and food, cigarette butts outside, garbage....it was nasty. It really doesn't make sense what he claims, compared to reality.
He texted several more pics this week of his apartment. I didn't write about that, because it was uneventful. Interesting, tho... His mindset. He is 'decorating' and doing things HIS way, and he wants me to see it and seeks my approval. It's not an in-your -face thing at all. He is seriously trying to impress me, in the most crazya$$ way.
He also told me about things he messed up on, small things, that he is learning the hard way.
He shopped for shampoo, and didn't read the bottle, and accidentally bought conditioner. He installed a plug-in air freshened upside-down, and the liquid leaked all over. He kept forgetting to buy a shower curtain, and took showers anyway, flooding his bathroom floor. He bought a cheap coffee maker, but didn't realize he didn't get one with a timer, so he can't make coffee before he wakes up.
This was weird....He told me he bought sprite zero for me.....since he doesn't drink it...but there is a 12 pack in his fridge in case I come over.
He texted this morning that he hates his apartment already. He is in a noisy spot, 1st floor near the loading dock (I never would have picked that spot, lol) and he can hear loud noises every weekend, moving trucks and people talking loudly. There is no signal for his phone, so he had to buy a special box. He texted that the fire alarm went off in his building last night at midnight. His power was out this morning. His parking spot is too small for his vehicle, and another car backed into him.
Today, his plan is to go to Home Depot and pick up supplies to cover his bedroom window with Sheetrock, for sound and light reasons... Ugh.
I'm going to have a glorious day with my kiddos!! Cleaning and then going out for something fun.... We're GALing today!!!
Sounds like your man/child is checking in w/"mom" and yes, down to even wanting "mom's" approval and some recognition for a what he's been doing.
He's got some issues w/his mom's problem of hoarding. He doesn't want to fall into the same situation that she's in and it's really been something that has haunted him for many years.
Keep in mind, what he thinks of as friends, may not be the same as what you think. Their definition is different than ours and many of them think that we will be one happy bunch of friends once the divorce is signed off on. Unfortunately, they are still too "young" to understand that divorce may not always be the friends ever after scenario.
Enjoy your day and have some fun w/you children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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