I admit that I feel like I'm running out of steam. I sort of reverse-BDed on my H on Friday. I just cannot get past the idea that he thinks my needs are optional, and I don't know how I'll have any respect for him or for myself if I allow the relationship to continue under that principle.
If the board had been working, I would have posted here and you all would have (hopefully) talked me out of it.
At any rate, I said what needed to be said. I fully expected him to tell me that he couldn't do what I was asking and that would be that, from my end. Instead, he told me that he thinks there's been a bit of a semantic misunderstanding and admitted that that's because he actively discourages me from asking clarifying questions. (Although we didn't actually clarify the misunderstanding yet -- grr.) He held my hand during the conversation and, at my request, he came over after D7 went to bed and held me for a while and said some encouraging things.
However, there's still a lot left to be desired. He met me where I was emotionally on Friday, but what I really need is some kind of verbal commitment to the idea that that's what we should be doing for each other -- even if we can't do it consistently right now (or ever).
When I first told him how I was feeling, he asked me not to make any rash decisions and to wait until our MC session this coming Friday. I agreed to that. He also said that he doesn't want me to give up but he will respect my decision if I do. What I wanted to say but didn't: No, that's the wrong thing to say -- you're supposed to fight for me, you idiot! But honestly, I think sometimes that he WANTS me to pull the plug so that he doesn't have to be the "bad guy."
Ugh, I am so torn. He didn't do what I asked, but he did do something positive. He told me that he doesn't want me to feel like I have to follow through just because I gave him an "ultimatum" -- is that a sign that he is sincere when he says he's not ready to give up?
The next day at kid exchange he just acted like business as usual. We talked on the phone later that night and clarified some things (but not The Thing).
I am so tired of this. I want my M back, but I am so tired.
I hear you, Elsa! I a going through the same thing, and it's torture. I'm afraid to ask the clarifying questions, but dying to know the answers. The trick is to shift your focus away from him, to just get on with your life for the time being and enjoy the moment (easier said than done, I know).
Even though it might be against DB principles, I hope that sharing your needs with him gave you some relief.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Sorry to hear that you've had a rough few days, Elsa. I know it's tough and it is certainly tiring.
You say you want a verbal commitment from H. Based on what you have said about your H (and the similarities with my H) I'm not sure that you are going to get that. I'm also not sure that a verbal commitment would actually count for much in any case. Don't forget that you've got actions, real actions to base things on. Your H is willing to go to MC and I remember you've had some productive discussions following MC about how to make some adjustments.
Be careful not to expect too much from H at this early stage. It sounds like he's giving what he can at the moment and he's understanding his role is some of the confusing communication. Try to be patient and accept that for what it is (a lot of positives from where I am sitting).
How's your D7 doing?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
G, I know you're right. He has told me, repeatedly, that he is giving me everything he has. I am always so frustrated when he says that, and I was going to complain some more about it here, but now that I've typed out the statement and am looking at it, perhaps I need to be more compassionate. If he is giving me everything he has, isn't that something, even if it's not enough for me right now? From his perspective, giving me everything he has probably seems huge. I can't believe I'd not thought of it that way before.
Of course, the other issue is trust, trust, trust. I don't know that I really believe him when he says that he is giving everything he has. I think that's where I get stuck. (I know, I know -- believe none of what he says and half of what he does . . . )
On a more positive note, I just remembered that he apologized again yesterday! I had to text him in the morning with a couple of question. It was a light, friendly text, but I could tell from his responses that he was frustrated. We ended up having to go back and forth on one of the issues, so I decided just to call him. H asked why I was calling and I said it was because I could tell he was frustrated and I thought it would be better to talk on the phone. H admitted that he was frustrated but said that he didn't really want to talk about it. I asked him if I had done anything unreasonable and he said no, that he was just frustrated by the interruption. I told him that I would let him be and we could talk it later. He said thank you and wished me a good day.
Later, at kid exchange, he pulled me aside and asked if I'd had an okay day. I said I had a great day and I hoped he did too. Then he said, "I'm sorry for this morning." I just said, "Thanks, I'm sorry too."
I have to remember this stuff when I'm feeling defeated.
And he just apologized AGAIN for yesterday morning when he came to pick up D7. It was so out of the blue that I momentarily forgot that anything sour had happened between us yesterday and I had to ask him what he was apologizing for!
It really wasn't that big of a deal, but I'm intrigued that he's pulling a real 180.
Interesting observation: As part of his apology today, he said, "I don't want to be a jerk." Now, I just smiled and said thank you, but in my head I'm thinking, "Well, that's nice that you want to preserve your positive self-image, but what about me and my feelings and what you're trying to tell me about our R when you apologize . . . "
And then I remembered that he equates getting along with a normal R. He has never wanted to "just" be friendly and has said that he won't give up until he's so mad that he never wants to see me again. I don't share that sentiment at all (I plan to be friendly no matter what happens -- we share a child, after all), but it means that it is good that he wants to be best self around me.
This is primarily a vent, but if anyone has any advice, please feel free to chime in.
We are going to MC tomorrow and this morning we had a brief check-in to talk about what we wanted to talk about with the MC. (Did you follow that?)
H said that he wants to discuss our "financial situation" and how the financial vulnerability he feels is keeping him from growing closer to me. I knew this was coming, because he'd brought it up a few times over the past few weeks and I'd deflected the conversation (because really, my sympathy for him on this issue only goes so far).
Let's recap, shall we?
1. He makes more than 3x as much money as I do. 2. His paycheck is now deposited into a bank account that my name isn't on. 3. We live in a high cost of living area and I cannot pay my necessary expenses without help from him. 4. The amount I am asking for is less than what my attorney said that I would be entitled to receive. 5. If he stopped giving me (enough) money, I wouldn't have the resources to pay my attorney to go to court. 6. I left a much higher paying job (and a much lower cost of living area) to move here for him 2 yrs ago. His salary has doubled since we moved. Mine has gone down by about a third. 7. He created the situation by choosing to move out.
His concern is that giving me a set amount of money each month will set a precedent for alimony in the event that we don't reconcile.
Now, in theory, we should have enough money between the two of us to pay all of our bills and then some. My suggestion was that we commingle our finances again in a joint bank account that is used for bill-paying, and then pay ourselves an allowance for spending money so that we still have privacy and control over our own discretionary expenses. I told him that our allowance could be in proportion to our individual incomes if he preferred. I mentioned this idea to him a few weeks ago and I'm assuming that since he's still hung up on the finances that he doesn't want to do it (or doesn't think that it's going to resolve the problem).
I am looking for another job but quite frankly I like the job(s) I have and a new job is incompatible with some of my goals if we do reconcile.
Elsa, sorry if you addressed this previously, but have you consulted a L? There are formulas that vary by state for child support and alimony. In my state, alimony varies by number of years you've been married -I qualify for "permanent". I've also been told by both Ls I consulted that there's no need for me to change my job to a higher income if I don't want to. If you haven't already, get some advice on this, get a good handle on your assets, expenses, income, and what a court might order. It will make you feel better, and give you an idea of how to structure things now.
Don't be afraid or ashamed that H has to pay more than you do. I personally made choices that supported my H's career, not mine, and those choices also allowed me flexibility that made our family life better for our kids. As a result, he makes 4-5 times what I do, and if it comes time to split things legally, I'll happily accept my share of his income each and every month. I earned it.
Yep, I've talked to an L and I have a (rough) idea of what I'd probably get.
I'm also an L myself (although I don't do family law) and I'm pretty sure that H is misunderstanding some of the advice he received from the L he consulted (to his detriment, in at least one significant way). However, I'm not about to correct him at this point!
