Nah, he has a wood burning stove out there, he never needs to come inside if he pees outside, orders pizza and keeps the fire going. Yes, in order to Speak to him I have to go out to the garage. Yesterday I only handed him his plate, ate in the garage with him in silence.and that was all the whole day. Made me angry that he didn't have one thing to say to me on his own. Oh well, I'm not really surprised . I mean he did tell me he's out there to get away from me.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
Get out there and GAL. It will help you cope with "the stranger living in your garage" and maybe even make him a little curious as to what you are up to.
eaarly on in my M I retreated to the barn. Not to the extent you are describing but I did it. My W started going out and being away more often. her pulling away pulled me back into the M and into the house. It was almost as if she was DBing me.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Ok, so I broke the rules, I came home from being gone over the weekend and went to the garage to sit, (it was h b-day). I really didn't have anything much for him but I did cook him breakfast that morning and told him "happy birthday". I sat for over an hour playing on the iPad, not saying much of anything while he ignored me and watched football.
So it really really bothers me that on top of not talking to me, not touching me, not being the least bit respectful when he is forced to speak to me, that he now has started sleeping in the garage. The last conversation I had about this new activity in my sitch he told me it was because it's too hot, it's to cold, dogs wake him up, and hates the blanket... And that he was angry at me, and he sleeps better out there with none of these things he hates. Be But that he doesn't plan on sleeping there forever.
Sure enough as if I had no control over myself I tell him those reasons can't be why, that I want the truth. That know one would sleep on a lumpy cold couch when I could turn off fans, change blankets, and basically fix the things he all of a sudden won't sleep with. So I push harder, saying "say the words". And he said , (fine! Ilybinilwy). He also said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. And he said in with pure hate in his voice. Yea, now I know, and I should of just shut my mouth. How in the world do I respond to this? I ask just enough questions after that to send him into a crazy foaming angry monster, went in the house and started sobbing.
Now what
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
You don't. You pushed it and he responded and you didn't like his answers so you pushed some more. You got the answer you wanted even though it might have been true. You WANTED that answer, then when you got it, you felt hurt.
This seems to be the same pattern the two of you have been following since the first time you were here. What have you changed in terms of your behavior? You can only control yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"4) you made me what I am, I'm done, I was done a long time ago"
I said a similar thing to W: "you made me like this". If H is like me, he blames you for his unhappiness. You don't own his happiness, he does.
I think you need to GAL, detach, and do not go in the garage and engage with H. Over time, H MIGHT realize that despite getting what H wanted, he still isn't happy and take a look at life.
You can't talk this out with H. That is his journey and no one knows where it will go.
Your part is what MrBond wrote above.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I think what I'm doing different or for the most part is not asking questions about all the why's or trying to pursue, beg, plead and implore. I mess up at least a few times a week and it is really hard for me to do this, but I get back up the next day and try again.
I have abandonment issues , they are pretty severe, which I wish I didn't. There have been times in my life it has caused low self worth and humiliation because I did or said things that no one with a drop of self esteem or morals would have done.
I also have been trying to go do things on my own, or away from h, I have each day done something to make our house cleaner, or more appealing, painting, de-cluttering
I have tried to appear happy around h especially even though I'm feel like I'm in shock I have been watching my appearance much more, focusing on my d more,
I know I need to follow Db techniques at all times, I know I am weak and needy, I have always needed to know why, and usually I never find out anyway,
Not only do I need to know why, but the reason has to make sence to me or I question it, or worse try to reason.
Now just today my sister tells me that my h on our last family trip together told her h that his first wife (not me) was the love of his life.
More hurt, one more thing to try not to ask him about, one more reason to hurt.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
"Now just today my sister tells me that my h on our last family trip together told her h that his first wife (not me) was the love of his life."
Believe not of what they say and half of what they do.
"Not only do I need to know why, but the reason has to make sence to me or I question it, or worse try to reason."
He probably doesn't even know the reason so there is no way he can possibly explain it to you.
"think what I'm doing different or for the most part is not asking questions about all the why's or trying to pursue, beg, plead and implore."
You just did this yesterday. In fact, you "lawyered" him into finally verbalizing ILYBINILWY. I fully understand the need to know. And deep down, I am sure you are glad you finally heard him say it so that you can finally start to deal with the real issue.
Start working hard on the 180s. Start working on GAL and getting out. Create that air of mystery. Get away from the house. Take D someplace new. Take her and visit friends or family. Getting away will accomplish multiple things. It will take your mind off the topic, it will allow you to start building up your esteem, It will prevent you from going to the garage and persuing him, and it will maybe make him think you are moving on and will not always be there for him. Last but not least it will allow you to see that there is more to life than your H that is residing in your garage.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
"Really?" "Love of his life? She cheated on him with a busboy at her job, she would take his paycheck and be three states away when he got home from work! She chased him for years after their d, while I was just a girlfreind and could have easily gone back to her if she was the "love of his life"
I just don't understand
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
I will give "gal" all that I have , but I'm starting to think there's no hope.
He clearly will reject anything and everything even deliberately hurting me right now. I feel he wants me to hate him, he wants me to d him, he can't and won't do one thing to reconcile with me because that would soften his hate for me , and he feels he will get sucked back into the r.
He wants to believe that his life is miserable, and his wife treats him terrible and his job treats him terrible. That way he has a reason to drink as much as he does and numb out to his supposed pain.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
I mean this is not the first time or the second that I've heard those dreaded words. This is not the first time for any of this. He seems to cycle between giving the r another chance and not wanting to try because he already knows it won't work.
The only difference this time is he's meaner and absolutely won't hold back anything , he now will be disrespectful x 10, hurtful as he can be, and tells me to leave, go away and leave him the f$ck alone at almost every interaction.
Why do I even love this person? In my mind I hold fast to happier times, when he was admirable and showed me he loved me, and I can't hardly believe that person is gone.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
