Not much progress

[SunnyB]

I seem to be at a breaking point where I feel Im willing to let go of her and get my revenge . I know revenge is not supposed to help but i feel a great desire to get it .

dawgy, you know the verse/saying " 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay' saith the Lord." That means that I don't have to plot revenge, God will do it for me. And I trust that he can do it much better than I can. If you are not a religious person, substitute the universe or think of it as karma. Same end result.

[dawgy]

Thank you rppfl . That is helpful . I just need to believe it . Not a big believer in Karma but it does seem to ring true very often. Im not religious and I would like to believe that god /universe will look after this for me . I dont want to make the sitch worse for sure Thx Dawgy

[PeterV2]

Hey Dawgy. Yeah I know it's tough. My W started her A 18 months ago, moved out of the bedroom 13 months ago and out of the house 10 months ago. I discovered the A 9 months ago, started DBing 6 months ago. The A apparently ended 4 months ago but she still has not moved back home and resists reconciliation. But I have made some progress and baby steps although I have occasional setbacks, like last Friday. But I pick myself up and get back on the program.

Don't obsess over the OM. It does you no good. I know you're in a very fragile sitch right now. You need to figure out what your role in this whole thing was. What needs of hers did you not meet? What are her LLs? How can you detach now and at the same time meet those needs and speak her LL. Don't let the A get in the way of you trying to draw her in. But realize you can only draw her in by backing off yourself. And when there is any interaction between you, you must only push her positive buttons. Try to find those buttons. Start with figuring out her LL.

You've endure much so far and I know it's a rollercoaster ride, but just strap yourself in because it's not over. You can only make this progress faster by improving yourself, learning, gaining more self-awareness and detaching from the sitch - being the best man you can be. Stop any wallowing in self-pity, stand tall, smile, put on a PMA, GAL and be the best husband and father anyone can be.

I know it really hard to do, but I believe it's the only way. Keep your chin up Dawgy. We're all here for you.

[dawgy]

Peter , im finding it difficult to fill the love bucket if im indeed detached . I agree with 15 hrs aweek to spend filling bucket but she doesnt want 15 mins let alone 15 hrs . I do find something particular about her behavior . I keep seeing glimpses of MY GIRL evry day or so . She seems to forget whats going on and then I see her then she realizes it then she turns to stone again . What is that all about ?

[PeterV2]

It could be a softening of her stance. But that's mind reading. When you see these glimpses, be quick to give positive reinforcement before she switches it back to her cold A-justifying position. Maybe just a smile from you, or a light touch to the arm - just something showing your affection. Unless you think that's to much pursuing.
Oh yeah, it's tough to fill the love bucket on 15 min a week.
Keep up your self-improvements. Maybe she's seeing that and reacting to those positive changes. Baby steps. Just don't go doing anything rash that would constitute a backslide. I know - easy to say.
You can be detached and still be filling the love bucket. What are her LLs?

[dawgy]

Her LL seems to be touch and conversation which is next to impossible to execute with the way shes behaving . I think her and OM cooled a bit but yesterday and today she seems to be at it again . He is the real problem , if he would just buzz off and leave her i know i could repair things between us .

[Maybell]

Dawgy, I thought OW was the problem too, but the truth is with the spouse. Even if he buzzed off tomorrow it would take a few months for her to get her head around coming back to you, and that's assuming you do things pretty well in the meantime. Keep up the good PMA and best of luck to you.

[u-turn]

Hey Dawgy - I still think the same thing. If he could just go away and I knew he was gone, everything could start working out again. But I know that is not necessarily the case - it will still take a lot of work, but maybe she will chose to put her mind into it then. Who knows.


Keep it up!!

[dawgy]

Alot of confusion this last few days . She was very nice friday night and even better sat night , but things were way different on Sunday . Friday and Saturday nights it was my wife . I loved seeing her . It felt soo good . I slept decent and then sunday the alien showed up again . Why lord ? why ? This is terribly torturous . Why does she do this , why cant she make up her mind ? This is not what I signed up for . Dawgy

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, chill. You know it's a rollercoaster and a marathon. Enjoy the good times and use them for positive reinforcement. When she drops away again, switch to your detachment, PMA, GAL mode. Try whistling a happy tune when she's around and alienized.
If you start thinking about the OM, stop that thought. Think of something else. The only thing you have control over is yourself and your thoughts and even that's a challenge - I know.
Review Sandi's rules. Are you keeping up with them?