Need help

[Shakspr]

dying...

you need to live. Not in fear, without expectations. I STINK at detaching, yet each time I let the rope slip a bit, and learn to validate without agreeing to things I don't believe in, it becomes marginally easier.

Baby steps. You don't have to tell her ANYTHING. If she pushes, tell her you expect her to make the best decision she can, and you have already stated how you feel about the situation.

Check out SUCCESS's story over on the post divorce thread. He was completely divorced for 7 months when his XW came back to him.

I'll echo Maybell. Two weeks is nothing. Read, learn, listen.

GAL

[lostluv]

Thanks for the replies. I know I cannot control her or what she does. Before reading any of this I told her that I do not feel right with a move out separation for two weeks. I told her that it is not doing either of us any favors and I need to be here for my daughter. I suggested we just do what we want when we want and coordinate watching our daughter accordingly . We can give each other space and work on things eventually over time. I will not give up and I cannot be the one to leave. If she wants out, she will have to make the decision to leave and be separated. She feels I want all or nothing.... I guess I do. We have a counseling session Tuesday and will see how that goes. I know a split will kill us financially, but that's part of life. We could each survive if we agree to, but if it gets ugly I'm screwed.

I think she feels we can split and remain good friends.....I don't see that as an option. Maybe that is wrong of me?
I have realized that true love is a choice, not a fairy tale feeling . I've made my choice, she needs to make hers.

[JCred]

I think she feels we can split and remain good friends.....I don't see that as an option.

I'm not sure I understand here. It most certainly is an option. You two could certainly decide to remain good friends. That makes it an option.

This may be one of your problems.. She says the sky is blue and you revert to, "no I don't see it that way, the sky isn't always blue, don't you know there are days when it is gray???".....

She says... "if we split, an option is that I think we can remain friends"..
you say, "no, if we split I don't see that as an option...

she wants to separate, you don't..
she feels you want all or nothing... you say, I guess I do....

Do you see how you are making this all about what YOU want and think and feel? To a WS, this only comes across as you being selfish and wanting what you want and who cares what she wants..

I believe you would be wise to choose your battles wisely.
If she says if you split and she wants to remain good friends, then why not just agree with her to work toward that? Why argue with her over something like this? Just tell her that you hope to always remain good friends. You don't have to tell her you want more and that your goal is to have her as your loving wife.

By backing off from certain issues you relieve some of the pressure she feels. As long as a WS feels pressure, they will fight and defend anything and everything. You need to take off the pressure.. So, start there.. Stop immediately taking the opposite position on everything she says.... Pick your battles wisely.

[lostluv]

This morning went "ok". My wife went to work in my vehicle because I needed to take hers to the garage after I dropped my daughter off at daycare.
My copy of DB should be here any day, but should I have gotten DR first? Or doesn't it really matter?
I feel it is going to be VERY difficult for me to detach completely since that was one of her original complaints. I feel like detaching is cold and heartless and that bothers me deeply. I am working on the GAL part for me as I am going to start back to martial arts training that I gave up years ago. I still want my black belt (only two belts away). I also plan on continuing my regular workouts and possibly get back into music. I already have Wednesday nights set aside for my daughter as I usually take her to the park to play while my wife goes to her exercise class.
I feel I need to still be loving towards my wife but need to do so without being needy or clingy. I'm hoping the DB book will help me find a balance between needy and cold, if that makes sense?. I understand it is going to take time and patience. Time can be my friend. Patience is hard....but I must do it!

I will continue to be the husband I should be and the best father I can be. I will enjoy my own time and allow my wife to do things as she wishes without watching her every move and expect her to do a 180

For the past couple months it seems as I am the only one making any effort. Any time we discuss our relationship , she constantly thrives on the past negatives.....several of which I don't even recall. I just have to realize that is where she is at and that is her way of justify wanting out and leaving. I know people on here have been waiting years and it's only been moths for me. We haven't physically separated yet so I'm hoping I still have an advantage . I know she has separated emotionally though, and that is a huge road block.

Sorry for the rambling, just trying to clear my thoughts and posting here helps me with that.

[lostluv]

I think she feels we can split and remain good friends.....I don't see that as an option.

I'm not sure I understand here. It most certainly is an option. You two could certainly decide to remain good friends. That makes it an option.

This may be one of your problems.. She says the sky is blue and you revert to, "no I don't see it that way, the sky isn't always blue, don't you know there are days when it is gray???".....

She says... "if we split, an option is that I think we can remain friends"..
you say, "no, if we split I don't see that as an option...

she wants to separate, you don't..
she feels you want all or nothing... you say, I guess I do....

Do you see how you are making this all about what YOU want and think and feel? To a WS, this only comes across as you being selfish and wanting what you want and who cares what she wants..

I believe you would be wise to choose your battles wisely.
If she says if you split and she wants to remain good friends, then why not just agree with her to work toward that? Why argue with her over something like this? Just tell her that you hope to always remain good friends. You don't have to tell her you want more and that your goal is to have her as your loving wife.

By backing off from certain issues you relieve some of the pressure she feels. As long as a WS feels pressure, they will fight and defend anything and everything. You need to take off the pressure.. So, start there.. Stop immediately taking the opposite position on everything she says.... Pick your battles wisely.

thanks for the response. I'm venting a lot on here to sort my emotions. I don't actually tell her some of these things because I know it sounds selfish. I have backed off quite a bit actually, but I realize I need to more.... It's hard but I AM working on it.

[lostluv]

Today she was surprisingly pleasant. We had a lot of small take and actually joked around. Neither of us wanted to cook dinner so we went out with our daughter. Everything went well at dinner too. I asked if we had anything going on this weekend and she said a nurse at work was having a house warming party and invited her (she didn't act too excited ). I just said cool. I then politely said that if she decided she wasn't going to attend, there is a possibility that we could get a sitter and go out together and do something. She quickly said "sure". <---- weird? I didn't say it, but figured I would get a sitter anyway and just go out by myself with a buddy or my mom.

When we got home , she played with our daughter outside while I went to the grocery store. When I got home she asked me to continue w my daughter so she could shower. I did and we had a blast.

I know it's part of the roller coaster, but I will take any good day I can get.

[lostluv]

so today i woke up with so much anxiety I felt like I was going to throw up. tonight is a counseling session and I'm paranoid. granted the past couple days have been "ok" but I feel the counseling is making my wife feel belittled and put down because she "doesn't know what she wants" and every time the session seems to push her and everything gets all emotional. last week we went in feeling pretty good and came out not talking to one another. I do not want that again. I'm going to try to keep as positive as I can this session and maybe suggest taking a week off from counseling to remove some stress from my wife and posibly some aniety from me. I need to get to a dr. and get some anti depressants. problem is that my dr retired and i'm having a hard time getting in to a new dr for a month!!!
going to start back to karate this week and focus on working on the black belt I should have tested for before I quit years ago

[lostluv]

Counseling tonight went ok. First one in a while where there were no tears. We pretty much agreed on everything (rare) good and bad. We agreed to avoid physical seperation at this time and attempt in home seperation (kind of). Just have our own nights to do what we want and coordinate with each other about watching our daughyer. We are changing counselor from weekly to biweekly to remove more pressure from my wife (my suggestion.....and she was surprised but liked it). First part of my GAL is doing martial arts classes twice a week and some weekend getaways w buddies.

[MrBond]

Can you describe EXACTLY what was discussed and what the reactions were from both you and her without the mindreading comments? It's hard to tell what direction this was going.

[lostluv]

We went over the fact that I was going to stay with a friend for a couple weeks but I wasn't comfortable putting my daughter through that unless it was completely unavoidable. I work night shift, wife works days. Only time we see each other for long is weekends and I can stay in spare room. Basically we agreed to not physically seperate and just do what we want when we want with no expectations other than coordinate with each other about my daughter. Seems counselor doesn't understand how it will benefit and wife feels seperation , even temp, would help her decide. However, she agreed that I have been doing OK the past couple weeks but her concerns are its not permanent. She is more than willing to try a "seperation" while in same house and work out exact details as we go. Counselor was confused but said if we feel that's what we want to do, then try it.