too late?

[jim0987]

Can I ask a question and sorry if this is in DB but I'm still waiting fr or Amazon to deliver my copy.

One of the issues seems to be that my wife hasn't forgiven me for things that I've done wrong. I have apologised countless tines though I expect I have always cone across sounding like I'm trying to justify myself.

I'm now thinking that I should handwrite her an apology (actually a series if apologies) that clear set out what I did wrong and fully apologise for this without making any excuses or expectations. I would hope that she sees these as genuine but as much as anything it will ease my conscience.

So here's the question. Is this a good idea? Or should I write them but not give them?

[Shakspr]

I did this exercise prior to BD, after she told me she thought our marriage was over, using Chapman's "When Sorry Isn't Enough" as a template. The earlier edition "Five Languages of Apology" is available free online.

I hadn't found DB/DR, yet.

The only response I got from W was "I know that it must have been difficult for you to write those things." That was after the first letter. I got no response to the second.

She basically validated me. However, I don't think that it hurt any, and long term, it might help. YMMV.

[jim0987]

I'm not sure whether it will do any good. On the one hand I don't think she believes I understand what I've done wrong but at the same time she will probably see it as me being manipulative.

It goes round in circles of knowing what I've done wrong but then immediately whipping out the scorecard to look at how she was unfair to me before coming back to owning my mistakes because they are what I can fix.

To an extent I think that writing them might be a useful exercise for my IC which is something to ask. Whether I give them to her is a separate question.

[labug]

Can I ask a question and sorry if this is in DB but I'm still waiting fr or Amazon to deliver my copy.

One of the issues seems to be that my wife hasn't forgiven me for things that I've done wrong. I have apologised countless tines though I expect I have always cone across sounding like I'm trying to justify myself.

I'm now thinking that I should handwrite her an apology (actually a series if apologies) that clear set out what I did wrong and fully apologise for this without making any excuses or expectations. I would hope that she sees these as genuine but as much as anything it will ease my conscience.

So here's the question. Is this a good idea? Or should I write them but not give them?

Interesting question. If you've already apologized there's no need to continue that. I think what tripping you up is you have an expectation that because you apologized she is bound to forgive you. Untrue. She may forgive, she may not, completely outside your control.

Apologizing is only a part of the process, changing the actions that caused the need for an apology is the most important part. And it is a process, even if she decides to forgive, it won't happen overnight.

Anyone can say the words, not everyone can or is willing to change.

[jim0987]

I Have apologised many times but then because I was so blind sided by this and I only think I understand why she has decided to leave, I do think properly setting it out might be the right way to begin to atone.

Having said that she has said that I took what little of her self esteem she had left and then wasn't there for her. She has also said that she has been trying to forhivr me for 2 years and that now she is just a shell of her former self who could never forgive me for what I've done to her.

Just an update to the side I now know that her friend (who is having a PA and leaving her husband) is actively encouraging her to hook up with other men. Yay \o/

[labug]

I do think properly setting it out might be the right way to begin to atone.

She has also said that she has been trying to forhivr me for 2 years and that now she is just a shell of her former self who could never forgive me for what I've done to her.

Then do it because you need to do it for you, not because you want to change her mind.

So what actions are to taking to change your behavior? That's much more important.

You have no control over whether she dates. Worrying about it distracts you from your real work, becoming a better you.

[jim0987]

Went for dinner with friends this evening and it was really good to talk unrelated nonsense. the trip gave me a couple of hours in the car to think about what you said labug.

Ive decided I am going to write a letter but for my own benefit (and not send it) and the more I think about it I want to try and make it as balanced as possible so that its not just another stick to beat myself with.

In terms of changes and actions then at the moment:
- I'm trying to reconnect with friends as much as possible
- Im not putting off household chores so I'm doing them when they need doing
- getting back to cooking
- Ive cut the sarcastic humour because I realise it wasnt as humourous as I thought it was.
- going to IC to try and work through my insecurity and 'all about me' syndrome
- trying to validate my Ws feelings more though this one is tough at us goes against how I feel

I think I still need to identify a few more ways to improve myself

[sandi2]

After a point, continuing to ask for forgiveness is like begging. That is not the picture of you she needs to see. If she won't forgive you, then it means she wants to hold on to it for a reason. Some WAW'S hold to unforgivenss b/c they want to have a list of grudges against their LBH'S. The longer the list.....the more justified she feels in divorcing him. Besides, if she forgives you, it just might put a little pressure on her own faults, IDK, b/c some WAW's just don't see their own.

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I'm trying to reconnect with friends as much as possible

Very good.

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Im not putting off household chores so I'm doing them when they need doing

Who are you doing these chores for? Don't do this to score points with her. If it is for yourself......that's fine.

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getting back to cooking

Did that use to be something you loved doing?

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Ive cut the sarcastic humour because I realise it wasnt as humourous as I thought it was.

So true!!

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going to IC to try and work through my insecurity and 'all about me' syndrome

Wonderful!

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trying to validate my Ws feelings more though this one is tough at us goes against how I feel

Can you give an example?

[jim0987]

Sandi can I just say thankyou as you really give great advice and have a good perspective on things. Shame my W can't talk to you.

I know what you mean about the apology. She knows I'm sorry and she either can't or won't forgive me. I am starting TI think that my 'all about me' syndrome has made it all about me when actually thinking about my W she has always been her harshest critic with the most enormous guilt streak.

Anyways I type the letter to apologise then decided I should be more positive so retyped to described all the ways I have supported her. Then got angry and re did it to cover all the ways she has let me down. The retyped it a last time because I realised none of that actually matters and so now I have a much shorter letter that describes how I feel about her and the future. All in all a quite cathartic process for me.

The chores are a mix of things. There is a part that is because its something visible my W can see but more its that I'm trying to build good habits for being a single parent.

Cooking has always relaxed me but I let it slide because of kids and work and my W only wanting to eat salads.

I suppose the example is that she said playing with the kids is depressing and that's not something I feel comfortable validating. She then went on to say that its sad for them and all I wanted to say was 'well youre choosing this' I think I just kind of made a murmur of agreement.

[MrBond]

When the books come in, read them asap.

In terms of your 180s, can you list SPECIFICALLY what issues she had with you in terms of the M and what actions you have done to change them? The changes do take time for the WAS to "believe". That's why you need patience at this stage of the game.