H's MLC #5

[2BHappy]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484597#Post2484597

Job,
I have to find it in me to really treat H like a roommate, in my heart and head. I'm saying it but not "feeling" it. I will work on this.

Test has come up now..

H called on his way to to work to tell me that he might go to his friends out of town funeral this weekend if he can get off work.

I understood this.

Then he said he might also go to a college football game instead IF he can get tickets instead of the funeral. But in same town so he would at least be able to see old friends and those friends who did attend the funeral.

So he is willing to take off work for things he wants to do (like the college football game). Did not invite me or s14.

I just told him that sounds nice and he will have a good time at the football game. I did remind him its s14 game against rivals this weekend and s14 might play up with the JV instead of freshman team. H said yeah he knows but if he can get the weekend off from work he is going to funeral and or college football game.

So I can talk to my roommate, but my heart still feels like I'm talking to my H.

I will work HARD on detaching the heart, but leaving the door open (for a while) in case H decides to really come back!

[job]

You did very well w/the recent conversation. I know it's hard to look and treat them as roommates because your heart is still trying to tell you that it's your h and hoping against hope, that he will suddenly revert back to the many you love. It takes time to detach and learn not to react to everything they say or do, but you'll get there. Don't be too hard on yourself if you snap up the bait every once in a while. We all have done it.

As you can see, his priorities are rather messed up. He'd rather go to a game and visit w/old friends, then actually go to the funeral. He can't face mortality and yes, his friend's death will remind him that life's clock is ticking.

Leave the door ajar, but continue moving forward.

[woundedfool]

First (and apologies if this is redundant/has been posted before, but the livestrong foundation has great cliff notes on detachment: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

They really helped me. I would read them until they were seared into your memory.

I did remind him its s14 game against rivals this weekend and s14 might play up with the JV instead of freshman team. H said yeah he knows but if he can get the weekend off from work he is going to funeral and or college football game.

That is the only part I would have not addressed, it may have come across as nagging, or telling him what to do. He needs to suceed or fail with S14 on his own.

I will work HARD on detaching the heart, but leaving the door open (for a while) in case H decides to really come back!

Just leave the door alone, you should not feel (or act) as if it open or shut. Dive deep into detachment, and you will find this becomes easier.

[2BHappy]

Thanks Job & Wounded.

I will read the cliff notes on detachment. Going to read them right now.

I'm also thinking I may need to avoid sex with him for a while...I think it may be making it harder for me to detach. I hate to stop, this seems to be sometimes all that is left.

And I think (mind reading) that he may use this as a test to see if I'm still available.

[woundedfool]

I'm also thinking I may need to avoid sex with him for a while...I think it may be making it harder for me to detach. I hate to stop, this seems to be sometimes all that is left

Boy that's a tough one, I really hope some vets chime in, but don't do it if you feel withholding is done as far as punishment, or changing other behaviors.

Do not do this until you get other experienced input.

[2BHappy]

I don't want to stop, it's not just for him:)

I'm just thinking this may be making it harder for me to detach?
But I do feel like since that has become more regular again, it has helped ...a little in a way. When we 1st started back having sex on a regular, I was able to have it without expectations...then the "dance" started and I relaxed....and BAM! EMOTIONS took over.

The link about detachment, WOW it's really deep.

[woundedfool]

The link about detachment, WOW it's really deep.

Yea, it is one of those things where you need to shut your brain off (the things you naturally want to do), and follow through with the steps.

[2BHappy]

OMGoodness, my room mate (H) is NOT going to make this easy

Roommate called me 8x's from his cell and the house phone, I started to worry that it was a emergency so I called him back

ME: Is everything ok I see I missed your calls
Him: Yes, I did not want anything,,just calling to talk about the upcoming election and mail voting.

He then mentioned the activites this upcoming weekend in his hometown, funeral for friend, b-day party for another friend, and football game at his old college.

I told him sounds like a full weekend and the funeral should be well attended, the friend was well known and seemed to be a really nice guy.

He then calls back to ask me to call in his meds for refill when I get home, I said ok I would.

I swear its like he has a radar attached to my heart.

AND VETS (and others with opinions) please help, what do you think about SEX with the MLC or WAS? Is this good, bad or ugly?

[woundedfool]

I swear its like he has a radar attached to my heart.

Thats on YOU!

It was apropos you started off the post with "your roommate".

If you really had a roommate and they asked you to do any of those things, or share details... How would it effect your heart? Not very much.

Keep working on the detachment!

[Shining]

2B, obvi I'm not a vet....but this is what I was told. .

The decision to continue ML is up to you. There are different schools of thought, neither way is "proven" to work over the other, it's dependent on your individual sitch.

One opinion is to continue ML, as a way to keep some type of "connection". This goes with the theory that men tend to connect physically first, and then emotionally. The drawback is that if you are not detached, it will send YOUR emotions all over because it is just sex to the MLCer. Also, if there is any question of ow, it is obviously not safe.

The other opinion is to set the boundary of no ML while there is an ow, or D filed, or whatever you decide that boundary is for you. The theory here is partly that the WAH will not care to return until he misses you, or has something to lose. Also, it keeps your sense of self respect, and doesn't allow the cake eating.

Again, this is for YOUR benefit, to keep yourself detached. Only you can decide.

If you do continue to be physical, please protect yourself. And remember, you can always change your mind if it becomes to difficult to be detached.

I hope that helped.... I did my best. .

[job]

Shining's posting is spot on. We discussed some of this "sex" business back in July on one of your threads. You might want to go back and re-read your thread about your questions on sex. If I recall, it was the thread that I encouraged you to go get checked and to practice safe sex.

Shining is correct...it is your decision as to whether you want to continue ML or not...but keep in mind, if he is still in an affair, be it EA or PA, it's cake eating and yes, it's keeping your emotions on the "hook" and you can't detach enough w/this going on unless you can figure out a way to do so w/o expectations.

Again, please protect yourself, no matter what he's told you. It's better to be safe and smart than later on have a gift that keeps on giving pop up during an exam.

[2BHappy]

@ Wounded...I'm working on this detachment process:) If a real room mate ask me the same things, I would help and it not be an issue at all, the details would just be details.

@ Shining... I think I've read the same advice someplace on here, when I felt more detached it was great. Then as he started to seem to be paying more attention to me, talking more, not as distant, then I started to want things to move faster...

I don't think there is an OW anymore, he said he ended it in Feb, basically when I caught him. There was no sex for a while, then once it started back I did get tested and told him I was and he should, he told me the A was not PA, I don't believe him, but he said he did not need to be tested.

I did and it was negative, actually I will be having the STD testing again next week.

[job]

Try to remember that his mlc is like a slow moving train trying to go up the side of a mountain. It takes a lot of time for him to get to the top and unfortunately, his clock is moving extremely slow. Yes, it's understandable you want him to proceed at a faster pace, but it's not going to work that way. Dig deeper for more patience and remember....a watched pot never boils.

[2BHappy]

@Job
I'm trying so very hard.... the longer it takes the less patience I seem to have.

And the Pot, when I look away it's like "look at me". Back and forth, back and forth.

[daring]

2b you made me laugh with the vision of the pot saying " look at me"!! It is so true.

As far as the sex part, I'm in the same boat as you ( I know you read my thread the other day about our most recent intimate link up). I'm no vet either but I do know MWD says in her book to go for it IF it's not hurting you.
I've decided to take each situation as it unfolds and decide how I feel.
I've said no at times, and I've taken " breaks" when I've told him I need space.
But in my H's case it is such an overwhelmingly strong part of his love language that I think it helps on most occasions. And for me it is a big change as I was not receptive in the ways I should have been previously- so it's an opportunity to show my 180s.
What I have done though- is not initiate touches or try to elicit affection from him. I let him start and then I decide.

Just my 2 cents- it is harder to detach- but I think in some sitchs it can be beneficial.

[2BHappy]

Hey Daring,

Sex is also my H love language, and its a 180 for me to initiate and be available when he initiates. ML/Sex was one of the things in the past when I was a WAS that was a BIG issue in our M.

We both initiate and I have not turned it down yet.

I guess us LBS just have to remember to not allow the sex/ML to take over our emotions or to make us have expectations that our H cannot deliver on at this time.

[BrightFuture]

2B, this is a very tough balance you have maintain. Treating you H as a roommate, but at the same time you are having sex… This is very confusing. I don’t blame you for having the emotions… There is a very fine line you have to walk. I don’t even know what kind of advice I can give you. You have to find that medium, you know… You need to learn how to put your feelings aside and not react on them . I can only imagine how tough it can be, but you can do it.

[2BHappy]

Weekend was great. I relaxed and s14and I had great interactions even though s14 was on punishment DB tactics helped my responses to s14.

H did go to college game but made sure to come ti s14game left at 1/2time.
He came home earlier then I expected on sunday we all watched football had dinner and watched movies.
I made sure to keep my feelings to myself...actually I did not have alot of emotions about H ..
Im avoiding sex for now..want to keep my emotions stable.

I was a lil hurt that H made time to go out of town...so made it even clearer that he does take off work for things he wants to do.
i really wanted him to have a great time.
at the same time it helped me to distant a lil more. H is on track to lose a good woman...ME

[woundedfool]

I was a lil hurt that H made time to go out of town...so made it even clearer that he does take off work for things he wants to do.
i really wanted him to have a great time.

You know... I would validate/verbalize that to H.

Something to the tune of... I hope you had a good time, I like knowing you "recharged your battries"

Think of it as he is doing some GAL's himself.

[2BHappy]

I did tell him he would have a great time, and when he got home I ask if he had a nice time, he said he did.

I told him he needed to have some FUN and enjoy himself.

[2BHappy]

A friend of mine is having a couples and single people get together at her place later this month.

I invited H

Me: Friend is having a lil gathering of friends, would you like to go.
H: pause with no response
Me: Well think about it, its later this month,,,if you decide not to go would you mind picking me up,,,I dont want to drink and drive home.
H: no response
Me: Hello,,,,will you let me know
H:Yes

WTH, this man basically has been making all kinda comments about my social calendar, I ask him if he wanted to be invited to stuff going forward,,,he kinda said yes,,so I invite him and this is the mess I got to deal with.

Say, YES OR NO or I'll think about it, not stare at me like I grew 2 heads!!!!

[woundedfool]

Me: Friend is having a lil gathering of friends, would you like to go.
H: pause with no response
Me: Well think about it, its later this month,,,if you decide not to go would you mind picking me up,,,I dont want to drink and drive home.
H: no response
Me: Hello,,,,will you let me know
H:Yes

Don't look too deep into it.... you played this perfect!

*IF* he even gets back to you, Regardless of his answer (if, yes or no) show no emotion. Just matter of fact "OK" thanks for letting me know (with a polite smile).

*** Side note, I especially like the "I don't want to drink and drive" part (while true)... it added the touch that you don't "need" him there.

If he doesn't get back to you... let it alone (no nagging, no prodding), you offered.... thats the end of it.

[2BHappy]

Wounded.
my plans exactly...if he does not go Im still going and if he does not agree to pick me up...i will have to limit my drink to 1.

Do I even follow up a couple days before to at least know if he will pick me up...I would need to let the person taking me to the party know for sure if I need ride.

Or if if he says nothing just plan on drive myself there and home?

[woundedfool]

Wounded.
my plans exactly...if he does not go Im still going and if he does not agree to pick me up...i will have to limit my drink to 1.

Screw that, even the smallest of towns have taxis. Just be conscious not to have so much you come home and get baited into an emotional fight.

Do I even follow up a couple days before to at least know if he will pick me up...I would need to let the person taking me to the party know for sure if I need ride.

I wouldn't.... in the context, maybe the night before, or morning of, just ask: "so did you decide if your going?"

[daring]

I agree- enjoy yourself and take a taxi!! I've started to add that into my plans when I want to GAL and don't have an alternate ride.

You could also text day of something like " Ive arranged my own transportation so if you go no need to drive me".

[2BHappy]

Morning of I will ask if he has said nothing.

No plans on getting drunk but did not want to be driving after a couple drinks..taxi if Ive had too much to drink I dont want to get into taxi alone...

I will have a great time with or without the drinks...

[2BHappy]

Morning of I will ask if he has said nothing.

No plans on getting drunk but did not want to be driving after a couple drinks..taxi if Ive had too much to drink I dont want to get into taxi alone...

I will have a great time with or without the drinks...

[2BHappy]

H initiated sex last night, I was not as into it as I wanted to be...part of me was into it, the other part was worried about how I would feel later would I be able to control my emotions?

Now I want to have a conversation with him, I want to tell him that I enjoy having sex with him, but then afterwards he goes right back to acting like we room mates ,this is not OK with me, that it makes me feel like he thinks we are friends with benefits...and then to ignore me as a woman as his WIFE the rest of the time makes me feel like he does not respect me as a woman as his WIFE and that it makes me feel like...a side piece, like just a piece of Ass to him.


Sex has always been very important to my H, was one of our issues in our old M.
I remeber last year a comment made by H at the time we were not really having sex after BD..we did a couple of times and H acted like it was a horrible thing to do afterwards,,his comment was something like "having sex would just make things harder" But I wanted some type any type of connection so I would hint and initate,,then as time went on H started back iniating and now its back to somewhat regular basis.

Sex is now making this detachment harder for me to continue with. Its like I want it all or nothing now.

I know I have been told about the issues of sex with H before a few times and I know the last time my emotions got all confused...

Is there another way to have this conversation to avoid tension and or H feeling pressure???

Or is it if I continue to have sex, afterwards I will need to put my big girl panties back on (literally & figuratively) and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself?


When can the LBS stop tiptoeing around conversations?

HELP I feel a blow up coming...

[woundedfool]

Now I want to have a conversation with him, I want to tell him that I enjoy having sex with him

So have the conversation, tell him just that...

"I enjoy having sex with you".

Don't make the conversation deeper then that.

Sex has always been very important to my H, was one of our issues in our old M.

So, have you ever come clean about that? Not a deep long conversation. Just maybe an apology/mea culpa thing:

"H, I realize now for a long time I never made sex a priority, or a desire for us. And for that I want you to know I am sorry"

Sex is now making this detachment harder for me to continue with. Its like I want it all or nothing now.

Good you recognize it, now do something about it.... re read those livestrong notes again.

I know I have been told about the issues of sex with H before a few times and I know the last time my emotions got all confused...

Again, good you recognize this.... but do you best to use your emotions FOR you, not against you... Burn the emotion off during the sex Leave everything on the table.

Is there another way to have this conversation to avoid tension and or H feeling pressure???

Not that I can think of.

Or is it if I continue to have sex, afterwards I will need to put my big girl panties back on (literally & figuratively) and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself?

For now.... yes, the fog is still thick around him.

When can the LBS stop tiptoeing around conversations?

February 31st.

HELP I feel a blow up coming...

Blow up here! I want your next post to be: Anger, sharp edges, vitriol, and hate: burn an orphanage, kick a puppy and wash it all down with a tall glass of stealing from a church!

But again, blow up here.... not to H.

[2BHappy]

I told him,,"I enjoy having sex with you" H has a lil devlish smile on face all the way out the door to work...LOL

I did add that he does not have to run away afterwards to the basement (he sometimes does this then comes back 30min later) I told him I would like him to stay just in case a wave of round 2 hits,,,,LOL (no idea who this person talking was,,,but I really really like her)

Yes I have apologize before BD and after a couple of times about being a WAS and not returning his affection.

The need to blow up has passed..my negative emotions dont linger as long anymore.

[woundedfool]

I did add that he does not have to run away afterwards to the basement (he sometimes does this then comes back 30min later) I told him I would like him to stay just in case a wave of round 2 hits,,,,LOL (no idea who this person talking was,,,but I really really like her)

So... much like earlier in your threads: Experiment and monitor. Instead of giving him the opportunity to leave, do something different? Maybe you bolt out first? and be down there for round 2? .... just a thought?

The need to blow up has passed..my negative emotions dont linger as long anymore.

Good! Thats progress! Celebrate the small things!

[daring]

Awesome 2B- sounds like you handled that perfectly!
I really do think for those of us who didn't give sex the attention it deserved that it's a major opportunity to 180. But those big girl panties do create some seriously annoying wedgies!!!

Wounded fool- I love your responses. Great advice paired with humor is so refreshing right now!!
Feb 31st....., where can I find that on the calendar???

[2BHappy]

@ Wounded,,,,Great idea beat him to the basement. Im sure the look on his face would be worth it alone.

@ Daring,,It's a 180 for me to be available and really present in the moment for sex. Previously I allowed other issues/things to get in the way of how I responded and I sometimes used it as a punishment,,,if H was not acting like I wanted, I would withhold sex and all affection. Forgave myself and praying that H will be able to one day...but if not it will be his lost.

I'm stronger each day, got so much of my confidence back...H MLC's has open my eyes to many issues I had that I needed and continue to work on. It has helped me in other relationships.

Its crazy that his MLC has not only open my eyes to the type of wife I was,,,but it force me to look deep inside me and that helped in me in many ways.

This MLC hurts like hell at times, but it has been a blessing in disguise. The praying, the reading, the sessions with Pastor...not sure if I would have ever really looked at myself this hard if not for this situation.



I know Im a better person all the way around, I know I've changed for the better. Thank GOD

[2BHappy]

I dont even know how to say this...

My last DR apt for my yearly GYNO exam I saw my Dr's nurse practictioner, as we discussed any concerns I ask for STD testing, I did not know but she did blood work for Herpes, well,,,all other STD's are negative, BUT herpes type2 blood test is POSITIVE. I'm scared, upset, she can notice it in my voice, nurse pract tells me I could have had this for years and since I had no symptons no one would have ever done a blood test, she only included it becuase she was ordering other blood test for STD's...

She ask me how long with my H I told her since 1996 and no other partners for me, she laughes a little (said sorry for laughing, said if I dont have outbreaks and been only with my H since 1996 we can continue to be sexual with each other and to just watch for any signs of outbreaks) and she said you probably both already have it then and no way to know who I got it from could be H or could be sex partners before my H...She checked my medical records with this Dr back to 1999 no STD's no signs of herpes on any exam,,,this is the office who deliver my s14 in 2000 and gave me my complete hysterectomy in 2007.

Nurse pract reminded me that not everyone has signs of herpes and that is another reason why its so common, so advised me to not go searching on internet, to only read CDC or AHSA website to avoid all kinds of confusing info. I read those and others and nothing helped me to feel better. I ask Nurse if I could have a false positive she said probably not and she would order retest but it would be to only calm my mind and she expected same results.

I told H yesterday, I was very worried and felt digusting, H tried to comfort me, said he would go get tested also but at this point he either has it or not, and H said he has never seen any signs of herpes sores anywhere on me, I have never seen any on H either. H said he also knows that test can be wrong,,,but no sense in getting more tests since I have never shown any signs and he has not either. H said its not a death sentence..

I know I should be happy it was not some other STD's like HIV...THANK GOD

But this herpes has no cure and now I feel horrible, I wonder if I need to call past sex partners, I now feel like if this does not work out with my H I will never be in another sexual realtionship or a serious relationship wth anyone..

How can I have sex and not pass it if I dont even have signs, condoms dont work cause it does not cover sores, which I never had anyway...

Nurse Pract said I dont need the daily meds they have cause I dont have signs of a outbreak...

What if H does not have it, Nurse Pract said then she would suggest a retest for me.

I tried to see if this is something that I could just carry and not pass on, but that does not seem to be the case..

I could barely get out of bed this morning, cried all night, head hurts.

the nurse said I've probably had for years, but she could not tell how long or anything...

I dont even know how this fits into DB

Why has this knocked the wind out of me?

H is not even pressed to get tested, but said he will as soon as he can, H does not go to the DR when he needs to so no telling how long it will be before he makes an apt and gets tested...

what if H does not have it, H already wants to leave,,,this may seal that...

I plan to call my to GYNO DR office today and ask to have my reg DR also review my results and see if he has any suggestions or thougths or anything... not that I have anything against the nurse pract,

OMGoodness I dont even know what to pray about for this, I did thank GOD that it was not something worse..

I dont know how much more I can deal with

[Shining]

2B,

That must have been such a blow, finding out such news. I'm so sorry you have learned this.

It's natural to feel all of what you feel, the shock, the fear, the anxiety of the "what it's". I won't try to minimize the impact, because I would feel the same way.

It seems your NP wasn't overly freaked out. To her, she sees this type of thing far too often. To us, we never thought we needed to be concerned about this stuff.

2B, this diagnoses does not change who you are. It does not make you a bad person. It does not make you disgusting. Please don't go down the road of stinkin' thinkin', and worry about future partners, etc. that is not the reality today. Focus on today only, and what you can control.

Feel those feelings. Identify them all. Then, let them wash over you.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It is a huge dose of reality for all of us. I'm sure you have opened many eyes today.

You are an incredible woman. It happens. It doesn't change who you are at all, unless you let it. You are more than this thing that happened. So, so much more.

((((((Hugs))))))

[woundedfool]

Yes, that is a tough pill to swallow.

I don't know what to say or tell you, other then I have said a prayer for you.

The NP is correct, in creating the image, this is not the end of the world.

Its up to you will how far you want to dig into this, other then I see little merit to informing your partners from close to 20 years ago. But if you had anything recently during your separation (not judging, your faulting you if you did), they would have the right to be informed.

I know this is easy to say, but this should have little impact on how you move forward.

[job]

I'm sorry you got this type of news and this doesn't change the person you are. You'll just have to be careful and monitor yourself if you ever have outbreaks.

Okay, let's look at the dates you've posted. You've been w/your h since 1996 and had a child later. You also indicated that you didn't have any STD's or herpes when you were tested back then...so, I may be wrong about this, but I would have to ask myself if it was possible that you contracted this from your h, if you haven't been w/anyone in the last 18-20 years. I hope I'm wrong about this and him.

From what you've indicated, your h isn't too concerned about the matter and that really does send red flags up for me. Most people would be floored to know that 1) they have this; and 2) their partners may have gotten it from me. Your h doesn't appear to be bothered one way or another. Could this be the reason he's not wanting to get tested?

You may be one of the few lucky ones that won't have an outbreak, but I would ask my Dr. about it and learn as much as you can and I would also ask if stress may affect this. Then again, your test may not be accurate. I would have it repeated again just to make sure....again, ask your Dr.

Breathe and remember, you are a good person and this shouldn't affect how you move forward; and like woundedfool stated, if you have been w/someone recently, they would need to be advised of the situation...but those 20 years ago...there is very little merit in doing so.

Again, speak to your Dr. and ask questions.

[2BHappy]

Shinning, Wounded, Job
THANKS

I just spoke to my reg GYN Dr, he said I have the antibodies in my immune system which means I was exposed to herpes2 at some point in my sex life, since I have never had an outbreak and this is my 1st blood test for it, I could have had it for years. He said again it is very common, and me not ever having outbreaks means my immune system was able to fight it.

He said my H may not have it, if he did not give it to me, since neither one of us have ever had outbreaks. He said if H test negative, then he did not give it to me, and as long as I dont have an outbreak I cannot give it to H going forward. DR said if your immume system is strong you can be exposed but not have an outbreak ever and not pass it on. If H immumes system is strong he may not get it from me, if he did not give it to me.

If H does have it, still cannot tell who gave it to who.

I would have had to had the blood work done before Sex with H to know that I did not have it at that time before sex with H.

DR said I do not need to do anything different, no need to contact past partners, he said my H know nows and if he gets tested great and if not that is up to H, it should not change my sex life with my H unless I start to get outbreaks which he would be surprised if I did now, he said the antibodies level I had indicates I had this for some time in my immune system.

DR is very straight forward and told me to that at this point , he would not worry about this unless I have an outbreak and or a new sex partner, adn even with a new partner to tell them I have the anitbodies so I have been exposed, but again if no outbreaks I cannot pass it on. He said people just recently started to get the blood test for Herpes and usually only if they continue to have outbreaks...

I told him on the internet it says you can have outbreaks that are not visible... DR replied maybe but he has not seen that before..


He also rechecked my record and said he never seen any outbreaks in my files and since 1999 I have never come in with concerns about any STD's.

Job I was tested for STD's when I got pregnant in 1999 but no Herpes blood test, DR said at that time if there was no visible outbreak there would have been no test and at that time the test would have been a culture of the outbreak not a blood test.

Dr also said these antibodies in my blood could be for 1 or 2, but most likey herpes 2. He said 90% of the population has been exposed to either Herpes 1 or 2 and if tested would have the antibodies in there immune system.

I have not had any other partners since 1996.

I can breathe a lil better, but this has shaken me! Now I was all getting tested cause I worried that my H had a PA , and it may end up Im the one with a virus., that I could have given to H.

[job]

I'm glad you spoke to your doctor. It should ease your mind a bit.

You never have anything more than the antibodies in your system and may never have an outbreak. You'll just have to be vigilant from now on and if something doesn't look right, then it will be medication time.

Please, please, do not put yourself down over this. There are so many people in the world that have the antibodies and don't realize they have it. Just be thankful the office went ahead and did the testing. Be thankful it's not HIV or some other deadly disease.

I know this news rocked your world, but you are now more informed about your body and can move forward from this day forward. Please do not allow this to define your and hopefully your h will not throw this in your face each and every time he gets angry. Again, no one knows for sure who contracted it first and when.

Sending you positive thoughts today.

[2BHappy]

JOB

Thanks again and always for your support.

I really had no one else to vent this out with then you all here on this forum.

H called this morning once I got to work to check on me, said he knows how much I worry and to try not to worry sooo much, never had any issues with it, dont start to over worry now.

DR did say that some outbreaks are brought on by stress..

Well if I did not have an outbreak last year when BD happen,,maybe I never will.

I have thanked GOD it was not HIV or another STD, I'm trying to be grateful that it's antibodies for herpes,,,I hate to even type it.

I hope H does not use this against me, I'm already beating myself to death over just knowing I have this in my body,,,I dont really care at this point who gave it to me.

I hope I have not shared too much here on the forum, hope I did not offend anyone.

[woundedfool]

I hope I have not shared too much here on the forum, hope I did not offend anyone.

Aside from: we are all adults here, dealing with adult subjects....

But that is one benefit of the anonymity we have here, you are able to speak freely, without worry of repercussion.

So no, I don't feel you are over-sharing at all.

[job]

At least you can put to rest the regular STDs and you are healthy. I don't think you've offended anyone here. Since I am an old timer, I have seen posters come here to vent, cry and hash out their situations, especially getting STDs and we did have one poster a long time ago have the HIV scare. This is real life stuff and sometimes you need a sounding board to work things out.

Your h may never hold it against you because he certainly isn't acting like someone who is climbing the walls about it.

I know it's going to be on your mind for a while, but you shouldn't allow this to swallow you up. It doesn't make the "whole" you. It's a blip on the radar screen and now that you know about it, you've educated yourself on the issue and can go on from there. Live your life, enjoy your life and if something does happen, you can deal w/it at that time.

Okay?

[2BHappy]

This board is great.
Talked to H again about convo my reg GYNO Dr had with me, H said "Dr said bascially same thing I told you" H told me I worry way too much.

I ask H, what if you dont have it knowing that I do. H said he is not worried about it and like Dr said we will avoid sex IF I ever have any outbreaks.

WOW,,,that sounded like a H I use to know? Calm and clear headed.

So between my reg DR, My H and you guys on this board,,,I was able to get my emotions under control and look clearly at the situation.

Of course I dont want this, and I will stop trying to figure out who gave it to me, DR said at this point no way to know and does it really matter...

I ask H if he would be upset if he test negative, he said NO, I know you would not have passed it onto me if you knew you had it. He said he knew we both have had unprotected sex with others before we got together.

[Mighty]

2B... your posts have stirred up a lot of emotion in me. Some that I think I have been avoiding. I'm sorry to hear of your sitch, but it seems like it is going to work out for you. That's good. Just another bump in the road. Keep on trucking, girl. It sounds like you are handling things well.

[2BHappy]

Mighty

It was HARD to share this information. I hope it helped someone, even though this may not really have anything to do with my DB situation, cause no telling when I contracted the virus,
but now Im feeling like it means something else to worry about if my M does not get better.

[job]

Don't look too far beyond today. Live in the present and allow the future to unfold in its own time. Okay?

[CaliGuy]

2BHappy

I have read and learned MORE than I ever would like to have had on this subject. W contracted H1 vaginally qith OM, her immune system is weak, during all this I rushed to get tested as OM has been a "friend for 4 years" and I was not going to trust when he and her decided to play around.

I will say, you can manage this, look into your diet as well... diet and stress will effect this, the fact you have not had an outbreak .. thats a huge positive.

You will get through this ... dont stress, ... its just another obstacle.

[2BHappy]

Job ...I agree I need to stay in the present... not worry on what if in the future.

Caliguy...Im trying to manage my stress. My diet is out of control...thank god no outbreaks.

[Mighty]

2B,

Yup, it was HARD for me too. Although it was something different, and I had no signs, it can become quite serious. I have surgery coming up next month. I hate to think about it and take off work because I do know it came from xh- my H at the time!!!

But I had the same concern as you.. how will this affect me in the future? I feel like I still have a lot of life left in me, as I am sure you do too. I am 37 and will be an empty nester in 5 years. I don't want my life to be over because of the mistakes my xh has made.

I guess that's where the work comes in. I know we will both be OK, with our physical health. It sounds like you just need to stay healthy and take precautions. Hopefully after my surgery, it will be over. But, it is a lot to overcome. It makes you feel weird, dirty, and damaged. OK, maybe that is me, and I am not trying to make you feel bad! The truth is, it is part of life, I guess. Things happen.

This is just something else we will get through and get over. Don't let it bring you down. Things will be OK. As long as we make it that way.

[2BHappy]

Mighty
Yes this is part of our lives and something we have to face head on and deal with. I dont know if you share what your surgery is for, I'm not asking for details just may have missed that post, but whatever it is I hope your surgery "solves" it for you. I dont know if its something you will have to continue to monitor or deal with afterwards..but if it is, you will get thru it.

I will have to watch for any signs (pray no outbreaks) keep myself healthly.

I dont know if you pray, if you do continue to pray daily it really really really helps.

I have said a prayer for you and your upcoming surgery.

My H again told me to stop worrying, everyone here on boards have told me to stop worrying,,DR told me to stop worrying..so I will TRY my best to take everyones advice, and STOP worrying.

It's not the end of my world!

Need to GAL this weekend,,,need some FUN

[BrightFuture]

2BHappy,you are lucky that the virus is dormant. Your doc is right, there might be a lot of people carrying it and don’t even know it. Think positive. Live like you don’t have it. Don’t give it too much thought. Watch for the symptoms, but don’t let the fear into your life.

[2BHappy]

Bright and everyone
Thanks for all your replies.

I have made possible plans for tomorrow GAL!

My sisnlaw ask where my ring was...started that emotional rollercoaster going I lied and told her it got ran over my vaccum cleaner and needed to be repaired. She saw right thru the lie and told me to just say it dont fit if someone else ask me.

I told her how about I tell the truth, I bet that would end the converstation.

[2BHappy]

ALLLLLLL in my dam feelings right now

H sleep in the basement last night, never came up to bed until I got out of bed!!!!!

So Im feeling really off about this,,,anyway...it could be becuase he said I keep it too cold in our bedroom (recently told me that when I ask him to keep fan on) or just not

So Im home today, once I dropped off s14 at bus H went up to bed, so Im in basement, heard H get up get in shower, grab keys,,I passed him in kitchen neither one of us said a word,,,WTH

He got in car and left,,,,

No idea what is up now, I guess if I dont speak 1st he dont speak,,,I did not speak cause I was hurt about him sleeping in basement...

He was really supportive a couple days ago when I really needed it, I know I should be puttin on a happy face and acting like Im the happiest person in the dam world.

I shower and was going to thru on fresh PJ's instead I made myself get dressed,,,

The things I want to say I should not, need not to.

I dont know,,,this hurts,,,this really really really hurts.
I dont want to keep feeling like this, him not sleeping in bed, not speaking should NO longer affect me like this,,,

He is comfortable ,,,no reason for him to make any real changes,,,or to even try

[woundedfool]

I dont know,,,this hurts,,,this really really really hurts.
I dont want to keep feeling like this, him not sleeping in bed, not speaking should NO longer affect me like this,,,

You seem to be really focused on the actual act of slumber together.

Can you give some thoughts on that.

This is going to come off really, really bad but.... I have been sleeping so much better solo, I don't know if it was because my exW had to have certain temperatures, fans, sheets, comforters, heating blankets, tv on in the background, memory foam this and that, a bedtime lotion, sometimes the right side, sometimes the left side.... and a laundry list of all sorts of other things

Why don't you use this as a experiment and monitor? Start peeling away some of the layers of things that you may or may not do for actual sleep.

[2BHappy]

I sleep better with him in bed. I would like to spoon (until I get hot, then back to my side of the bed)

He complains about how cold I have the room, window open, fan on, no heavy blankets just a sheet.

He probably sleeps better in bed without me.

I want a better M a better R NOW. (stopming my feet like a child)

He came to basement and came up with needing help to find something , then talking about bills and christmas, then son football,,,,
then asking me to help him find some new jeans,,,etc

[woundedfool]

Please don't take this as a "Your at Fault!" type post:

I sleep better with him in bed. I would like to spoon (until I get hot, then back to my side of the bed)

He complains about how cold I have the room, window open, fan on, no heavy blankets just a sheet.

He probably sleeps better in bed without me.

So would it be fair to say.... You "use" him to get hot, even-though you keep the room (in his view) ice cold?

I think the experiment and monitor side is really the right move here. Start making changes tonight! Watch what leads him to stay longer or leave earlier. For example, don't spoon, and have a heavier blanket for yourself. See what happens.

I want a better M a better R NOW. (stopming my feet like a child)

Who doesn't? BTW, nice touch on the foot stomping.

[2BHappy]

No I spoon for a lil then back to my side. Just like to reach out and touch him....Hate being hot while sleeping.

Tonight I will close window and keep fan off.

[2BHappy]

NON DB move...

H and I had sex,,,H slept in bed all night, stayed after sex no running away.

Here comes the NON DB move

Me: H do you love me
H: 2B, why would you ask me that, you know the answer
Me: With everything going on I want to know and you have not told me in over a year
H: Yes I love you
EXTRA NON DB
Me: I know you love me like a family member, I asking about you loving me like your wife like a man loves his woman
H: Says nothing,,,then says you should know how I feel about you
Me: I want you to love me like a man loves his woman, I appreciate your love as a friend, as your son mom, even as a family member,,,but I want more then that from you.

I then move in for a kiss and a hug, H looks a lil uncomfortable but I tell him kiss me, hug me,,,and he does.

I wanted to rock the boat a lil bit, I wanted to see what H response would be. And I wanted him to hear what I wanted from him. I dont want H to stay stuck where ever he is, I also did not want to send us back in this journey....

The time kinda felt right to step my toe into the R ocean,

My H acted like me asking this do you love me was like a slap to the head he looked at me like he was shocked I even had to ask?

His facial expression was of shock which shocked me like does he really not understand what is going on, is he aware of this past year....

Could he be that confused?
O

[job]

Okay, you've touched the hot stove and can now see where he's at. It's okay, you've been wanting to have some idea where he is at, and now you know...he's not ready to say and/or commit to saying that he loves you like a man should as his wife. Now, you need to back off and allow him to think about things for a while.

Please understand, you can't "unstick" him from his crisis. He has to be the one to do that. You can't fix his issues. Keep in mind that the more you push, the more he's going to pull the other way.

Please allow him to come to you. You need to dig for more patience. If you attempt to snatch him out of the crisis, he will go back into crisis at a later date and it will be far worse. Allow him to move at his own pace. Patience and more patience are what you need to dig for and practice.

[2BHappy]

JOB

Yes I will back off and dig down deep with prayer and meditation and LOTS of GAL to continue to "stand". I really do enjoy the "friendship" that we have now, and Im very thankful that he is not a angry acting person, not mean spirtied.

I will continue to soul search and make sure Im not just standing because H announced he was "done" and it was not my decision...cause I do remember my years as WAS where I did not care about H or his needs or wants...

I do not want to force decisions from him, I understand for a better M & R this is something H has to decide is worth it on his own...

[job]

Try to remember that your relationship began as friends and then moved on to a more romantic/serious one. It's one minute at a time to one hour at a time and so on.

Try to keep the focus on you and allow the man upstairs to continue working on your h. There can only be one chef in the kitchen for now and that is the man upstairs...so allow him to continue baste and bake your h up into a mature man who has faced his issues and resolved them.

[2BHappy]

AMEN
I totally needed that reminder, to get out of GOD's way!!!

Got to stop worrying , once you pray no need to continue to worry. GOD got it!!!!

[mleigh4]

Hi 2bhappy. I so know what you mean. To want a better M/R NOW. I miss being loved, feeling important, having someone look at me like I am amazing. Then I think about how H must have felt when I was a WAS too. It helps me with patience, but man do I want better than this! I roll my eyes every time H goes into that stupid spare room. I know what you mean, sleeping together was a way of connection for me. Hopefully the man upstairs will make some progress with our baking men soon

[woundedfool]

NON DB move...

Oh, yea it was.

Could he be that confused?

Yes, he is.

Have you ever given him the MLC speech I cited several threads back?

[2BHappy]

Wounded...

No I have not given him the MLC speech you posted?

Is it in my posts? Can you direct me to it. Not sure if I know exactly what you are referring to

[woundedfool]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHvV55IpAxk

The speech starts at the 3:28 mark.

But watch the whole video.

[2BHappy]

Oh Yes,

I have given a lil different version of the MLC speech at 3:28 to my H. Not using the exact same words but I gave the same meaning,,,and maybe not even all at same time to my H.

I notice with my H I have to be short and sweet when talking to him, it seems like he is able to take it in in small pieces.

I know I have told him I was not the perfect wife and that I wanted him to be happy with or without me, I've asked him to forgive me for the wrongs I've done in our M/R...I told him I kinda know what he is going...

Maybe I did not give the speech correctly? Or you saying I should give the speech word for word

[woundedfool]

Ok, so long at you gave the gist of it. I would not revisit it again.

Have you done anymore experimenting with the sleeping arrangement?

[2BHappy]

Wounded,,,about sleeping arrangements

I have kept the fans off for last 2nights, adjusted thermostat in house (to hope we all can be comfortable), closed bedroom window.

H came to bed around 4am this morning,,,I told him "I hate that basement couch, I like you sleeping in bed with me"

Now I have decided I'm done with the issue, H knows exactly how I feel, I made adjustments so he will not be too cold, and I will not be too hot. It's now up to him, I have no plans on bringing it up to him again about where he sleeps in the house. I will mention it here if I think it might be showing signs on H returns or not,,but not going to mention it to H and it is no longer a goal related to my M.

I'm not going to put any more energy into that issue.

I watch a few of DB videos on youtube yesterday...they were very helpful.
I'm going to work on letting my H know I desire him I love him, by speaking his love langauge of touch and compliments..going to expirement with small touches, compliments, hugs etc,,,and watch his response. I will go very slow...going to speak his love langauge for a while and watch reactions...

[woundedfool]

I made adjustments so he will not be too cold, and I will not be too hot. It's now up to him, I have no plans on bringing it up to him again about where he sleeps in the house.........

I'm not going to put any more energy into that issue.

I think you missed the point on experimenting.....

Its not an all or none proposition, that required a wholesale change and to "throw the baby out with the bath-water"

You need to SLOWLY peel back things and see the results (and watch if they are positive or negative). For example:

First close the window.... see what happens (monitor results)
A few nights later, don't spoon.... see what happens.
A few night later... have the window open, and don't spoon.... see what happens.
A few nights later, no fan, window open, don't spoon... see what happens.
Note the days of the week this happens, maybe this is on nights he likes to watch a certain sport or event, or he has early meetings the next morning.

I'm going to work on letting my H know I desire him I love him, by speaking his love langauge of touch and compliments..going to expirement with small touches, compliments, hugs etc,,,and watch his response. I will go very slow...going to speak his love langauge for a while and watch reactions...

All sounds very good, but I really hammer the go slow part, this may or may not yield any result. That's why you go slow, and monitor for any change.

Try certain touches/hugs/compliments at certain times of the day.... See what happens.

[2BHappy]

Yes I understand, I just put all the things into play at once for the sleeping in bed,,,I don't spoon often if at all, I get too hot (and not in a good way).

I will watch for patterns, I will go VERY slow, I will try to not throw out the baby with the bath water...

BUT if he chooses to sleep in basement, I will no longer allow it to affect how I feel (TRY NOT)

[2BHappy]

Emotions a lil blah about my M. It's like this weekend I did not even want to talk or interact with my H and I think he could feel something cause he called and called and when I answer he did have something important to talk about family stuff, but I just wanted off the phone. Then when s and I got home from game, I stayed in basement until H left for work, then he called on his way to work to tell me about batteries....

Today it seems like my feelings are "leaving" or probably I'm having to hold things in and deaden my feelings and its starting to feel real, like if H left today I would feel relief in some ways for me.

I wonder if our s14 is going to have lasting effects of this messed up M he sees, will he know how to love and work on R issues, will he grow up to think that H and W dont really have to talk or show affection or say nice things to each other spend time together...

I really wonder if our son anger and sadness he is starting to show is just puberty or him absorbing the sadness in the house. I try to be upbeat and happy in front of son, unless there is a true reason to be upset,,,what example are we showing him,,,,

It's hard enough to be a teenager...I dont want to make it worse

[woundedfool]

Today it seems like my feelings are "leaving" or probably I'm having to hold things in and deaden my feelings and its starting to feel real, like if H left today I would feel relief in some ways for me.

Don't hold them in! What are you using as an outlet to "vent"? (aside from here).

what example are we showing him

You are showing him you love him unconditionally.
You are showing him you enjoy his interests.
You are showing him that happiness is not dependent on how other interact with you.
You are showing him marriage is not a just a ceremony where you may or may not honor your commitment.
You are showing him that marriage can be work, and that while in the short term it could be *easier* to turn tail and run, it is important to put in the work for the long term.

[daring]

I completely understand 2B, I think as we progress towards detachment our feelings aren't at the forefront so much anymore.
I too wonder what we are teaching our children. I just try to do my best so that no matter what I can look in the mirror at myself and look in the faces of my children and say I honored my commitment and values and did all I could.
You are doing the same 2B.

[2BHappy]

Thanks I needed some encouragement......

The feelings I'm holding inside...the things I want to say....here for now is the best place to vent.

H tried to initiate sex ....I ignored it...felt like if that is all he has to give me .....maybe I don't want it.

And...the get together with my friend that I invite H to...I not sure I want him to go...because we will not be a real couple there...so I may as well go solo.I also don't want my friend to see how distant my H is.

H has not yet said he would go or not...and I don't plan to ask again. I guess I need to tell him my plans for that night that mornng, our son will b at my moms....and to avoid H calling me after he gets home from work that night...and seeing neither one of us is home...

GAL this weekend and next weekend is GAL sleep away with girlfriends

[woundedfool]

The feelings I'm holding inside...the things I want to say....here for now is the best place to vent.

You kind of glossed over my question:

Don't hold them in! What are you using as an outlet to "vent"? (aside from here).

So, I will ask again.... aside from here, what are you doing as an venting outlet?

[2BHappy]

What am I doing to vent out my feelings?

Well I consider my GAL's as an outlet

I have now started to get on my treadmill to kind of walk out my feelings

That is all really,,,I sometimes talk to my SIL, or share a lil with my BFF's.

[2BHappy]

SO...tonight is my GAL with friends which I invited H to almost a month ago.

Now S14 might have a game 2morrow which means he would not be able to go over his nana's to stay the night.

So here is convo

Me: What time will you be home 2night
H: NOt sure WHY...what time you trying to go over your friend
Me: Im only asking cause s14 wants to stay home and I dont want him here too late at night and I dont want to be rushed to come home.
H: How long you plan to stay out, give me address I may come
Me: Well,,,I was thinking I would rather you come home to be with s14, I don't want you there when you dont really want to be AND I dont want my friends to meet my H for the 1st time and see how our M really is...I said I have no idea how you will treat me or respond to my friends and I dont want to be embrassed. I dont want them to see you ignore me, not kiss or touch me, not sit with me...and I dont want you to pretend.
H: Your are tripping
Me: No I'm being honest.

I don't want my H to come there and treat me like his friend not even a good friend, and I dont want him to come there and pretend, I want to have a good time and not have to worry about how things will be, I said I'm not even sure why I invited you with the way we currently are...

H said nothing else about the party,just went on to start some chores before work and to ask me about our son possible game tomorrow.

It's just how I really felt. I want to enjoy myself and not be uptight and or worried and or pretend that I'm ok with however H is acting IF he showed up.

This will be a gathering of mostly couples but there will be at least 1 other single woman (wow I typed single woman....other single woman,,,do I consider myself a single woman,,,no I meant another woman there alone with a date.

Feedback on this interaction,,,I dont know if I care if this added to the mess our M is already in,,,but I guess I do since I ask for feedback

[job]

Well, you've stated how you feel about him attending the party and now he's got something to mull over. I'm sorry you feel the way you do and I can't blame you, but I don't think he'll attend, especially in the frame of mind he's in. If he asks again, suggest that it might be best if he were to come home and be there w/your son since you may be getting home later than usual.

[daring]

Sometimes you just have to put it out there 2B- I have done it too. As long as you're taking care of you that's most important.

Hope you have an awesome time!!!

[2BHappy]

Job & Daring ,,,thanks

Update:

H again ask for address before he left for work, I gave it to him.

We talked about everything BUT what I had said about why I did not really think he should attend...

Fast forward,,,

Got a phone call from my aunt, my father in emergency brain surgery for an anneruersym...not at all close with my father but still prayed and very worried, my aunt said I should wait until tomorrow to come to hospital,,,my father had been there since Wed no one called me until he was in surgery,,,

Same time got text from friend that her party had been cancelled!

Couple hours later:

My father is out of surgery, guess this was all due to his blood pressure that he does not take ANY meds for,,,even though he is suppose to...

I text my H about my father and that I would not be going to party.

Now I'm emtionally drained, worried even though my father has NEVER been a father to me,,,still dont want him to be sick or worse,,,now tomorrow the emotional ups and downs of going to hospital and not even sure how my father will respond,,he has been distant from me, I reach out to him at times, invited him into my sons life,,,he just not there not a father, not a grandfather,,,
but I will be there at hospital to show support and concern, he is family.

I would love my H to come home and hold me, just be there for me...

[daring]

Sending positive thoughts, strength and hugs 2B.
Hope your dad gets well soon and you are able to have a positive interaction with him.

[job]

I hope your father is resting comfortably and is on the mend.

[2BHappy]

Daring & Job

Thanks for the support

My Father is doing OK, but not sure how he will be after he heals from surgery, he is very combative and has to be tied to bed, he did not know who I was, he did recongize his siter.

My mom went with me to hospital and her and I got into an arugement, which I apologize for my part...she admitted seeing my dad like that reminded her of my stepfather who had brain cancer and passed away...she was also upset about it being her mom bday also deceased...so it was a very hard emotional day for me yesterday.

Now I keep having pains in my upper right back area, not sure if its stressed related or not.

H took son to breakfast this morning, invited me but I told him my back was hurting and he and son needed some time together with just them, H was a lil upset but I did not want to go or felt the need to go.

Before H left for work yesterday I left him a note, asking him if he had thought about what we discussed a couple weeks ago and that I needed to know what his thoughts were.... I did not really expect him to address the note and he did not, but I wanted him to know I still expected him to be thinking about what he really wants. I'm getting tired of "standing".

I know I also brought up our R with a hint earlier this week and then again with the note yesterday,,,I will now TRY to wait to see if H will address our R at all in any way any time soon...I know he may not and asking is not going to "make" him address it.

I just dont want him to be surprised IF I finally make up my mind to end this whatever this is between he and I.

I'm starting to need some comfort othen then myself I want to lean a lil on someone else to just rest for a while,,,tired of trying to hold it all together for everyone trying to keep the peace.

Praying this on/off pain in my back is nothing serious praying its not stressed related...I dont want to be making myself sick over this F UP M.

[2BHappy]

I'm stress eating my feelings WAY WAY too much, I have gained too much weight stress eating, now this weight is affecting how I feel about myself and my knees...stress might be affecting my weight and now my back.

[daring]

I understand that stress eating- I'm one of the few who didn't drop massive weight in the midst of all this drama! Luckily I started boot camp so I haven't gained either.
Maybe working out can help with some of your stress? I know it does for me.

Glad your dad is ok and hopefully the disorientation will pass as he gets better.

[2BHappy]

Spur of the moment R talk happen today based on the note I left that H did not know exactly what I wanted to talk about...

SO..I will try to recap and keep in important details,,

I started off with H we are friends and great parents correct? H agreed.

I told him if that is all we can be, that I will be ok with that and that I did not want to keep waiting or hoping for a better M.

We kinda both hit a lil on the past especially my H he talked about when I was a WAW and how long he dealt with it and that now I want to put a time table on how long I want to deal with it since the tables are reversed. I told him its been over a year he said he was not counting he has been just taking care of his business , work and family and was bascially ignoring our M and R, was not putting any thought into US.

I told him I just wanted to know either way and that I did not want him to be staying to avoid "hurting" me and that I wanted to either be working on a better M or working on moving on without it.

Told him I deserve better, and we both deserve to be happy and that we will always be friends and great parents.

He said it sounded like I was giving him an ultimatium and that he did not want to be rushed/forces into making a decision ..

I told him I did not want to force anything but he had to know I'm getting tired of the current situation and that 3x's now he has told me he would "think" about what he wanted to do, make a decision and each time he has not put any thought into it...and that I'm just tired and waiting to move on with my life,,told him it seems like he will take until I'm old and dead to decide and that I deserve to be allowed to move forward if he does not want to make a better R and M with me.

I told him neither one of us are "bad" and that we both should have what we need and to be happy...I tried to tell him that I would not ever hate him or be angry and that I have moved on from that I have worked thru those feelings but I want more and I this is NO LONGER ok or working for me.

H said he did not want to make the wrong decision and he does not know what he wants...

At that time I ended the conversation..went out to run errands came back home to watch comdey,,H comes into the room where I was to tell me I could watch TV in basement (where he was) I told him I wanted to watch this and did not want to change his show.

Before I ran errands he hinted that he needed to take his car to shop,,I did not offer,,he needs to ask me and he did not so he had his cousin take him,,,I did not even want to offer.

I"M TIRED!!!!!!

But I was not emotional, nor mean when I return,,,just in different....

H seems to be asking/needing more time,,,but I know he just told me he is not sure if he wants ME, if he wants to work on a better M a better R, and that hurt and that makes me even more ready to be done!!!

NOW WHAT???????

[mleigh4]

2BHappy. I feel your pain, I am in the exact same place. I also try to force a decision, but if they are not ready to make it, what do we do? My H says the same things as yours, but also throws in that I don't have to wait to move on, that I can do whatever I want. I just laugh. Sure, move on while I am still married and live with my H? That should go over well on a date, right? But in my heart, I just want H, and I can guess you feel the same.

I wish I had some advise, but I am just as frustrated and tired of this as you and don't know what to do. We may not have any choice but to wait it out or decide if it has been enough. The hard part is wondering if we give up and make the decision for them, will we always wonder, if only I had given it a little more time? What are we rushing to move on to? With H being confused and not sure, that just always leaves that glimmer of hope.....

[woundedfool]

NOW WHAT???????

Well... your not going to like this. But:

You are doing so many things counter to DB principles there is no real good endgame to this.

No ultimatum's, yet you gave what really does sound like an ultimatum.
Do not engage R talks, you keep engaging R talks.
Note writing, ML with expectations of where when he sleeps, him hoping for a ride... you leaving him hanging.

You have seemed to have trouble identifying GAL's that are about you.

So you ask: "now what"? I would say you really need to take some time out and start from the beginning. Take a weekend for YOU and reread DB & DR, get back to the basics of those and that can get you going in the right direction.

[2BHappy]

YES I'm off the DB track, running around in circles. The less I want to stand the less I care about the outcome. I was on the verge of asking H to move out telling him I had been thinking about filling for D, instead of that I left the note and then had the R talk to try to see where he was,,,to see if there was any hope of saving our M, to see if there was a purpose to continue to stand.

We had a nice day yesterday with S14, our weekly family movie and dinner.

no weirdness no tension between H and I, I really expected H to avoid me the rest of the day.

THEN I had a lil blow up this morning when H came back to bed, he was there then went back to basement then came back and I said "why even come to bed",,,I know I know

OK I will BACK OFF, keep my mouth SHUT, back to DBing, re reading books and posts.

Wounded
I "think" my GAL's are for me, they dont involve my H or my S14, usually just me and or my BFF's. But tell me what you mean by my GAL are not about me? I'm missing something?

I will work on getting back to my center, the peace I had worked so hard to have. Work harder on keeping the focus on me and my s14.

I did end up taking my H back to pickup car.

[2BHappy]

Yeah its like a catch 22, if the LBS makes the choice we never know if more time would have ended with a better M or ended the same.

I guess in the end we decide either way, we either end it, or the MLC/WAS returns and we accept them back.

[job]

Always remember, you are the one that will determine whether you want to reconcile or not, if the opportunity presents itself. Sure, the MLCer may wake up, resolved his/her issues, and want to reconcile, but it's not their choice...it's yours. You are the one that will determine if you want to try again or not....the ultimate decision on this will be yours.

[daring]

Hang in there 2B- I totally understand your frustration. I am feeling the same way. But because I am not sure I am ready to walk away, and more think I'm just tired and frustrated with limbo, I work very hard at not having my crazy a$$ moments and blow ups seen by H. I know it's harder when they live with you- but maybe you can take a walk or even lock yourself in the bathroom with a good book ( ummm yes- I have done both) to avoid the mini confrontations.
I know its hard- sending you hugs and strength.

And Forever Young knows where to find extra strength DB patience shovels with Kevlar hand grips if you need them

[2BHappy]

job, wounded and daring I totally appreciate your comments and your continued support I'm preparing to reread divorce remedy and divorce busters starting after I return from my weekend with my friends.

[Mighty]

Hey 2B, I am not fully aware of everything in your sitch, but I did think of something I wanted to share and I hope it helps.

If you are in the position of trying to figure out where your r is headed, if you want to stand, etc.... I say back off from it a little bit.

I am, by no means an expert, but what I mean is this:

I think you should focus on you more and less on h and r. DBing is a great practice for whatever the outcome. Doing it effectively will help you progress and deal with things better.

So, use them! They are great techniques to help you along, regardless of how the r turns out.

Detach, get the distance, gal, focus on becoming the best you that you can. You can still keep an eye out for h, but keep the focus on you!

Whatever happens, you will be better prepared. Maybe you will catch his attention, but, you will still be focused on you! This will keep you from going in circles and help you progress forward. You will find only more positive results will come from this, rather than feeling like you are going in circles. Does this mean it is a linear shot forward? Nope. There will be moments of ups and downs, and circling around, but, hopefully you will have more ups and less of the others.

I think that after you focus on yourself, get some strength and clarity, you will have a better understanding of what you want. Your h will have had time to process on his own, and you will see where things stand from a much healthier and more stable perspective. I'm not implying you weren't those things before, but bd has a way of really disrupting what was healthy and stable. Plus it is has a way of shaking up things that we wouldn't have noticed before.

You are a good egg, 2B.... keep at it. You can do this!

[2BHappy]

Thank you Mighty..

I will TRY my very best to back off. Put the focus back on myself and my son.

I still have work to do on me, working daily on being a better person.

[job]

Mighty has given you some excellent advice. It's best to keep the focus on you for now. Learn, grow and rediscover the person that you once were. Dbing is about helping you to navigate the pitfalls that come along, not just in relationships, but all walks of life.

The answers will come...but only if you sit quietly and allow the man upstairs to do his work, not only on your h, but also to help you too.

[mleigh4]

2BHappy - just be careful. The blow ups push away the MLC. In my experience, I would look back after a blow up and think, crap, what did I do? I always feel better when I talk myself down. Also one thing that helps me greatly is having that mirror in my face. It doesn't always help! But if I remember to use it, my actions change.

I hope you have fun with your friends. We all backslide, we just need to learn from it.

[woundedfool]

Part of GAL's are to keep you so occupied you have little time to dwell on H or your R. And frankly yours seem to currently be a cursory distraction.

It's good to focus on S and make him a part of a dew GAL's, but the bulk of them need to be YOU-centric.

Immerse yourself in a "selfish" GAL. Give us some ideas of what you always wanted to do.

[2BHappy]

I wanted to learn to dance salsa, now need to lose 40lbs first to take pressure off knees. Working on losing weight!

I need to find more GAL that are very inexpensive, I'm planning to start having game day parties at my house after the holidays.

GALing this whole weekend with my BFF's, s14 will be with my Mom.

I feel like I've gotten back on DB track. And I truly believe this DBing is more for the LBS then the MLC/WAS and that it may or may not save the marriage but it will save ME!!!!

Monthly GALS with BFF's are planned.

I just cannot tell you all enough times how much your feedback and support has helped me. WOW THANKS THANKS THANKS

[Ggrass]

You and I have a very simlar bd.

I go out for coffee early every day, I have my work mates convinced by changing into nice clothes after work I'm dating 3 days per week. Often it's coffee with girl friends or shopping the home. Just getting out of your work kit helps change my attitude even if I'm jus going home to my dogs.

I have done some weight loss which has stalled a bit of late. 10-20kg is a big loss, so there will be flat spots. My biggest help was roasted veg. Biggest pot cooked once per week frozen for work nights dinners. Sprinkled with feta. Yumo.

Bd was my biggest help, but I need to keep the focus and displine which I'm doing with 2 vegetarian dinners per week. Still planning and packing my meals. Back to checking portions too.