could you help him see what she is trying to say? Maybe help him develop a better way to talk with her. In my opinion its about the kids and making it easier for them.
Only if he asks. Help is help only when it's asked for no matter how well-meant, otherwise it can be seen as meddling of belittling.
In validating, say something that puts you both in the same boat. "H, I struggle with knowing how to answer D sometimes. It seems you're getting a handle on it." But only if the situation arises.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Are Maybell and I morphing into the same persona? She may not like that.
I'm so sorry, labug! LOL. I meant Labug in that. I'm pre-coffee and cannot be held responsible for my references to people, thoughts or ideas. Give me 20 and I'll be better.
I think the fact that you validated, and asked for time to process were awesome! I remember that came up for you recently... and you said you were going to work on hitting pause before you respond. I also like how you noticed yourself mind reading and chose to take his words at face value...and also that you didn't make this conversation into "so, this is why we shouldn't get divorced!"
Will convos like that always be that hard? How do you think I did?
No, it won't always be that difficult but it takes time and practice. When you feel whatever that feeling is that goes along with "I need to be right" it's always a good idea to say, "I need to take some time to think about what you've said. Let's talk again tomorrow." Don't drop it, always say when you want to revisit. That way the other person knows they're not getting the brush-off.
You did a great job with that!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
A parenting book that helped me a lot also said that when you have the "I need to be right" feeling, you should also question the value you're attached to that informs that feeling. Sometimes there are back stories to it that have nothing to do with the person you're struggling with. Understanding your underlying motivations can help with letting go of that need to be right.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sometimes there are back stories to it that have nothing to do with the person you're struggling with. Understanding your underlying motivations can help with letting go of that need to be right.
I absolutely recognized that there was a back story which is precisely why I asked for a time out.
I KNEW that I was coloring my opinion about what he told D with what I wanted him to actually think and feel so I wanted him to tell her that separation and divorce are horrible and to have hope because mom and dad will be back together soon. Sounds silly when I type it all out but that's what I wanted.
When he was logical and realistic, it shattered my fantasy and I want to tell D my fantasy because that's sure to happen, right?
I think that's why it was hard. I needed to step back and think about this NOT being about our relationship but about what D can handle hearing right before bedtime.
I'm grateful he handled it the way he did and I'm grateful I handled it the way I did.
That seriously could have been hugely ugly and so full of resentment and disdain and "you nevers" and "I always".
I'm doing it. It's slow and it's HARD but I'm doing it.
"It's not others who must change, but you." - Swami Prajnanpad
I'm hearing this or similar all over the place. The universe is SCREAMING at me to get this into my head.
H told me today that he might be out of town for a bit in very early November. I asked if it was for work (which would be rare). He said, "No, I think I'm going to go to New York and see the leaves."
Huh. Ok. On one hand I think it's great! We never get to see REAL fall color living here so what a great thing to do (though of course I wish we could go with him).
On the other hand I think, oh isn't that nice. You're going to go spend thousands of dollars to see fall color and "meditate". Awesome.
I'm jealous, I guess. Plus, isn't November 1 a little late for fall color in New York? Will there be any leaves left? Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the positive and shut the negative firmly out of my head.
Its ok about his trip ss. Grab some of your girlfriends and take a trip of your own. I recommend Key West last weekend of October. FantasyFest. Look it up. Talk about an awesome time in which you will NOT think about your H!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Just catching up Ss. I am really impressed by your text conversation - you handled yourself so well. Actually I think you both did. It's a good thing that your H can say to you "I understand…you and I disagree…at the risk of being combative here's my POV etc."
You've been critical of your communication skills in the past but this looks like a SUPER health exchange to me. You contributed to that in a BIG way.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
She may not like that.